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There was a time when talking to others in a crowded room filled me with fear to the extend that words flowed out of my mouth in ways that does not make any sen

There was a time when talking to others in a crowded room filled me with fear to the extend that words flowed out of my mouth in ways that does not make any sense even to myself. I spoke gibberish and if you had the misfortune of talking to me, you would probably find an excuse to get away. I hated the idea of going to social events. At every event, I felt that I was the stupidest person in the room and that nobody would want to talk to me. Meeting people seemed like a waste of time. One day, something snapped. I figured that instead of wasting time at social events, I might as well learn something. I reflected on my social experiences and realized that because of my inherent fear of being looked down upon, I had the habit of pretending to understand things that in reality I had no clue. So I made it a point to speak a little as possible and instead focus on listening and always ask questions if I did not understand something. I always made it a point to be asking questions and most importantly, never pretending to understand something I don't. Conversations usually flows like this: What do you do? What exactly does that mean? Big data? How big? How is big data different from normal data? ... Gradually, I started to understand what people are actually saying. I started to feel the wide spectrum of work that people do. I started to internalize differing opinions within similar industries and then voicing these opinions to others in similar fields. I started to take sides and participate in debates. Conversations became more intelligent and social events transformed into a heaven for intellectual stimulation. Like reading Hacker News in the middle of the night, socializing can become addicting. There is so much knowledge out there and every time I go out I learn something new. If there was one lesson I learned throughout my transformation, it would be to focus on listening and understanding others.

driverdan 13y ago
I usually try to be the one asking questions. People tend to feel a better connection and more engaged when you encourage them to talk. Sometimes, when the other person is asking the questions, I walk away from a conversation and feel disappointed I didn't get to learn more about them. If you're answering questions you often don't realize it until the conversation is over.
kassner 13y ago
I have this fear either. I'll try your tips.
prawks 13y ago
This is a fantastic way to approach it, especially if: - You are naturally curious - The person you are meeting has a passion Ask them a basic question about what they're passionate about, and just hold on for the ride. You'll learn a lot, and they'll love talking to you if you're an active listener.
mcdougle 13y ago
It seems you discovered for yourself what every book on communication emphasizes -- ask questions! People would rather talk about themselves than listen to you talking about yourself, so if you just get them talking and then listen to what they have to say (you barely have to even speak most of the time!) not only will you learn quite a bit, the other person will usually come away feeling like it was a very good conversation, that you were a very good conversationalist, and will appreciate the connection with you.
- kassner 13y ago
  Now that you said I'm connecting the dots with Dale Carnegie's book. I've read it, but I'm still not confident enough to start doing. This two-people tip is very more approachable, in my vision, because will limit the awkward silence when you don't get along with one person.
- reirob 13y ago
  I agree, just want to change to "ask open questions" with emphasis on "open".
- VladRussian2 13y ago
  >ask questions! it would be nice. Unfortunately asking questions i feel like i'm interrogating or intruding onto somebody's else private property.
  - reirob 13y ago
    It is actually not only asking questions. It is about asking open questions, i.e. questions that cannot be answered by yes, no, but require the person to tell a story. At the beginning it it is even more frightening, but once you force yourself to do this as an exercise it might change your life.
frogpelt 13y ago
Your approach is very similar to Dale Carnegie's advice in "How To Win Friends and Influence People".[1] By showing interest in what other people are doing instead of only telling them about yourself or espousing your opinions they are more likely to want to be around you. 1: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influenc...
- napoleond 13y ago
  pg has said that he considers How to Win Friends and Influence People to be the most inspiring book on leadership[0]. I think it's especially helpful for hackers, because it basically lays out instructions for how to meet (and then exceed) people's social expectations. A lot of non-hackers seem to have learned those skills in middle school, while many of us were busy learning other skills. Learning to "play along" and meet expectations is enormously valuable, in business and in life. I had a bit of an aversion to the premise of the book at first, because it seemed manipulative to me somehow ("winning" and "influencing" people, ie. thinking of them as systems and trying to "hack" them) but I eventually came to see how narcissistic that was--I am not superhuman and cannot exert mind control, so any social "hacking" is really just using the system the way it is designed to be used. At the end of the day, most of Carnegie's advice boils down to being a nice person and putting yourself in other people's shoes often, but with examples of how that sort of behavior can be beneficial to you. 0. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=6636086 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=6636086
  - bradleysmith 13y ago
    >how narcissistic that was--I am not superhuman and cannot exert mind control, so any social "hacking" is really just using the system the way it is designed to be used. Spot on. Reminds me of the the quote by Cisco founder Sandy Lerner: "The first rule of any game is to know you're in one."
    - d0m 13y ago
      "The first rule of any game is to know you're in one." So true. I would add that the second rule to any game is to know the game is broader than what it seems. Poker is really not just about cards. Startups aren't about building a product. Passing an exam isn't about knowing the answers. Thinking about the broader game opens so much more opportunity than being stuck in what people believe is the game's limit.
akinity 13y ago
Meh. Sorry you ever felt awkward at parties?

driverdan 13y ago

I usually try to be the one asking questions. People tend to feel a better connection and more engaged when you encourage them to talk. Sometimes, when the other person is asking the questions, I walk away from a conversation and feel disappointed I didn't get to learn more about them. If you're answering questions you often don't realize it until the conversation is over.

kassner 13y ago

I have this fear either. I'll try your tips.

prawks 13y ago

This is a fantastic way to approach it, especially if: - You are naturally curious - The person you are meeting has a passion Ask them a basic question about what they're passionate about, and just hold on for the ride. You'll learn a lot, and they'll love talking to you if you're an active listener.

mcdougle 13y ago

It seems you discovered for yourself what every book on communication emphasizes -- ask questions! People would rather talk about themselves than listen to you talking about yourself, so if you just get them talking and then listen to what they have to say (you barely have to even speak most of the time!) not only will you learn quite a bit, the other person will usually come away feeling like it was a very good conversation, that you were a very good conversationalist, and will appreciate the connection with you.

kassner 13y ago
Now that you said I'm connecting the dots with Dale Carnegie's book. I've read it, but I'm still not confident enough to start doing. This two-people tip is very more approachable, in my vision, because will limit the awkward silence when you don't get along with one person.
reirob 13y ago
I agree, just want to change to "ask open questions" with emphasis on "open".
VladRussian2 13y ago
>ask questions! it would be nice. Unfortunately asking questions i feel like i'm interrogating or intruding onto somebody's else private property.
- reirob 13y ago
  It is actually not only asking questions. It is about asking open questions, i.e. questions that cannot be answered by yes, no, but require the person to tell a story. At the beginning it it is even more frightening, but once you force yourself to do this as an exercise it might change your life.

frogpelt 13y ago

Your approach is very similar to Dale Carnegie's advice in "How To Win Friends and Influence People".[1] By showing interest in what other people are doing instead of only telling them about yourself or espousing your opinions they are more likely to want to be around you. 1: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influenc...

napoleond 13y ago
pg has said that he considers How to Win Friends and Influence People to be the most inspiring book on leadership[0]. I think it's especially helpful for hackers, because it basically lays out instructions for how to meet (and then exceed) people's social expectations. A lot of non-hackers seem to have learned those skills in middle school, while many of us were busy learning other skills. Learning to "play along" and meet expectations is enormously valuable, in business and in life. I had a bit of an aversion to the premise of the book at first, because it seemed manipulative to me somehow ("winning" and "influencing" people, ie. thinking of them as systems and trying to "hack" them) but I eventually came to see how narcissistic that was--I am not superhuman and cannot exert mind control, so any social "hacking" is really just using the system the way it is designed to be used. At the end of the day, most of Carnegie's advice boils down to being a nice person and putting yourself in other people's shoes often, but with examples of how that sort of behavior can be beneficial to you. 0. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=6636086 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=6636086
- bradleysmith 13y ago
  >how narcissistic that was--I am not superhuman and cannot exert mind control, so any social "hacking" is really just using the system the way it is designed to be used. Spot on. Reminds me of the the quote by Cisco founder Sandy Lerner: "The first rule of any game is to know you're in one."
  - d0m 13y ago
    "The first rule of any game is to know you're in one." So true. I would add that the second rule to any game is to know the game is broader than what it seems. Poker is really not just about cards. Startups aren't about building a product. Passing an exam isn't about knowing the answers. Thinking about the broader game opens so much more opportunity than being stuck in what people believe is the game's limit.

akinity 13y ago

Meh. Sorry you ever felt awkward at parties?