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When my girlfriend died I could not bring myself to remove her from my friends list. She is still there. Her beautiful smile looks at me nearly every day. Some

When my girlfriend died I could not bring myself to remove her from my friends list. She is still there. Her beautiful smile looks at me nearly every day. Some days I am glad to see that little profile picture of hers and others it is painful. Her family could have the account closed I guess but I think they feel the same as me and closing it is like deleting a little part of what we have left of her :(

S_A_P 13y ago
This is probably one of the most profoundly sad things I've read in a while. I don't know you or your girlfriend but I truly feel sorry for your loss. I am fortunate to (so far) have not experienced the deaths of many loved ones. I could only imagine the range of emotions I would feel, especially with their virtual presence persisting after they pass.
- InTheSwiss 13y ago
  It has been almost 3 years now (December) so I have had time to "move on"[0]. I have a wonderful new girlfriend and life is good. I still miss Sima almost every day but people are right when they say time helps mend. It never takes away the feeling of loss but it does ease the pain (emotional pain is far greater than any physical pain I have ever experienced). Facebook still reminds me when it is her birthday (although I never forget anyway) and in a way I find it quite comforting to have an external reminder of her. It makes me feel while she has gone she is still here in some strange little ways. Nobody truly dies on the internet. I would also like to say thank you to all those who have said such kind things in your replies. [0] I hate that expression but it seems to be the only way to phrase it
conanbatt 13y ago
I got the birthday notification one my most beloved teacher, and he passed away more than a year ago. It is a bitter sweet moment indeed. Im kind of glad i got the notification really.
- silencio 13y ago
  I eventually had to fish up an obit for a friend that passed away after Facebook and Linkedin both suggested to me that I should "reconnect" with him after a couple of years. Birthday notifications were sad, but the reconnect business drove me up a wall. I would pay anything if I could to reconnect with him now, but they don't know that.
- turshija 13y ago
  Even worse is this with "Sponsored" links/likes on Facebook ... When it pops up on your wall that your dead friend liked a page or something like that ... Creeps me out.
  - kamjam 13y ago
    Even worse than that when they use the pictures in advertising! http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/facebook-ads-showing-dead-girl-article-1.1459542 http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/facebook-ads-showin...
shocks 13y ago
Hey man, hope you're doing okay. I know it's hard, but keep smiling. She'd want it that way. :) Sorry for your loss.
- tychof 13y ago
  Please understand that something you think is helpful may not be. You should assume it isn't unless you have specific knowledge of the person involved. In general, the bereaved don't need platitudes which cheapen their loss or try to fast-forward them through the grieving process. Don't presume to know what the deceased _or_ the bereaved feel or _should_ feel, and don't assume they share/d your beliefs. Instead of 'comfort and a kind word', try 'comfort' until you are asked for more. Be present for those who are grieving. Offer to help in any way you can if you can, and help when called upon. Just listening is profoundly useful. Often, they're not really listening to you anyway.
  - dboat 13y ago
    Half agree with your post, but I can see why you are downvoted. To me, in grief, platitudes and comforting words seem like a useless distraction and annoyance, but I wouldn't then go on to suggest your way of being around the grieving is what everybody needs to be doing. He was being nice and wasn't hurting anybody doing it, and there isn't such a dearth of those posts that we need to attack them.
    - aestra 13y ago
      Disagree. While I was processing the pain of the sudden death of a family friend, someone who acted like a father to me my entire life someone else said something that she thought was being nice. In that moment it upset me so much I probably could have stabbed her. I still can't forgive her for it. She did hurt someone by doing it. Keep it to yourself. By the way, her words were something along to lines of "He's with God now, and that's the best thing in the world."
  - msutherl 13y ago
    I upvoted you here. Platitudes are generally unnecessary and shocks' tone was a bit prescriptive. It's just not good manners.
8_hours_ago 13y ago
I still have the last email that my Grandmother sent me in my Inbox. I never got around to replying to it when she was still alive. It's a very good motivator to reply to emails from my other relatives that would otherwise go unanswered as well.
matznerd 13y ago
I feel you. A girl I dated passed away and her family deleted all of her social media accounts. I was already still coping with losing her in the real world and then she instantly vanished from the online world too. There were pictures of her and me that I no longer have access to, and our conversations now show up with a blank face (Facebook chat was the last way we communicated). The only remnant I could find of her online was an Etsy account. She had a wishlist on there with a few items on it and so I bought something she had picked and it is hanging on my wall right now.
- brandoncapecci 13y ago
  Christ... reading that made me feel instantly depressed. Sorry that happened to you man.
  - matznerd 13y ago
    Thank you, I appreciate it. It was not my intent to depress you...but if there is anything to take away, it's just don't leave anything unsaid with someone, because you never know when they could be gone...
- dalek_cannes 13y ago
  Perhaps this is a good thing? (Forgive me if it's not and I'm being insensitive) Before human beings developed external memories (photographs and now digital records of everything we do), trauma and negative memories were supposed to slowly fade away, and they did. Only mildly emotional residues remained. Our psychological itch to keep experiencing sights and sounds associated with a thing or person lost could not be scratched no matter how tempted we were. Now we can. Not only that, we consider it some sort of obligation to carry the burden. We scratch the wound just as it starts to heal and it's like experiencing the loss over and over again. or may be that's just my experience. I used to be in a permanent state of melancholy because I always reminisced about past losses, even when the present was good. I don't do that anymore. I've a rule, in fact: never replay a negative experience more than once unless you have new data to re-evaluate it in a different light.
abraham_s 13y ago
I don't want to be disrespectful, just sharing my opinion. My dad passed away few months ago and we decided to delete his facebook account. It was too hard for us to see his pictures and suddenly feel the pain all over again. Especially on FB the profile picture shows up in unexpected places.(mutuals friends etc...). For us deleting the account seemed to the right thing to do for the healing process.
- InTheSwiss 13y ago
  It is not disrespectful at all. Everybody heals in different ways. You do what you have to do to help yourself heal. I wish you and your family all the best and hope you find today easier than yesterday.

S_A_P 13y ago

This is probably one of the most profoundly sad things I've read in a while. I don't know you or your girlfriend but I truly feel sorry for your loss. I am fortunate to (so far) have not experienced the deaths of many loved ones. I could only imagine the range of emotions I would feel, especially with their virtual presence persisting after they pass.

InTheSwiss 13y ago
It has been almost 3 years now (December) so I have had time to "move on"[0]. I have a wonderful new girlfriend and life is good. I still miss Sima almost every day but people are right when they say time helps mend. It never takes away the feeling of loss but it does ease the pain (emotional pain is far greater than any physical pain I have ever experienced). Facebook still reminds me when it is her birthday (although I never forget anyway) and in a way I find it quite comforting to have an external reminder of her. It makes me feel while she has gone she is still here in some strange little ways. Nobody truly dies on the internet. I would also like to say thank you to all those who have said such kind things in your replies. [0] I hate that expression but it seems to be the only way to phrase it

conanbatt 13y ago

I got the birthday notification one my most beloved teacher, and he passed away more than a year ago. It is a bitter sweet moment indeed. Im kind of glad i got the notification really.

silencio 13y ago
I eventually had to fish up an obit for a friend that passed away after Facebook and Linkedin both suggested to me that I should "reconnect" with him after a couple of years. Birthday notifications were sad, but the reconnect business drove me up a wall. I would pay anything if I could to reconnect with him now, but they don't know that.
turshija 13y ago
Even worse is this with "Sponsored" links/likes on Facebook ... When it pops up on your wall that your dead friend liked a page or something like that ... Creeps me out.
- kamjam 13y ago
  Even worse than that when they use the pictures in advertising! http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/facebook-ads-showing-dead-girl-article-1.1459542 http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/facebook-ads-showin...

shocks 13y ago

Hey man, hope you're doing okay. I know it's hard, but keep smiling. She'd want it that way. :) Sorry for your loss.

tychof 13y ago
Please understand that something you think is helpful may not be. You should assume it isn't unless you have specific knowledge of the person involved. In general, the bereaved don't need platitudes which cheapen their loss or try to fast-forward them through the grieving process. Don't presume to know what the deceased _or_ the bereaved feel or _should_ feel, and don't assume they share/d your beliefs. Instead of 'comfort and a kind word', try 'comfort' until you are asked for more. Be present for those who are grieving. Offer to help in any way you can if you can, and help when called upon. Just listening is profoundly useful. Often, they're not really listening to you anyway.
- dboat 13y ago
  Half agree with your post, but I can see why you are downvoted. To me, in grief, platitudes and comforting words seem like a useless distraction and annoyance, but I wouldn't then go on to suggest your way of being around the grieving is what everybody needs to be doing. He was being nice and wasn't hurting anybody doing it, and there isn't such a dearth of those posts that we need to attack them.
  - aestra 13y ago
    Disagree. While I was processing the pain of the sudden death of a family friend, someone who acted like a father to me my entire life someone else said something that she thought was being nice. In that moment it upset me so much I probably could have stabbed her. I still can't forgive her for it. She did hurt someone by doing it. Keep it to yourself. By the way, her words were something along to lines of "He's with God now, and that's the best thing in the world."
- msutherl 13y ago
  I upvoted you here. Platitudes are generally unnecessary and shocks' tone was a bit prescriptive. It's just not good manners.

8_hours_ago 13y ago

I still have the last email that my Grandmother sent me in my Inbox. I never got around to replying to it when she was still alive. It's a very good motivator to reply to emails from my other relatives that would otherwise go unanswered as well.

matznerd 13y ago

I feel you. A girl I dated passed away and her family deleted all of her social media accounts. I was already still coping with losing her in the real world and then she instantly vanished from the online world too. There were pictures of her and me that I no longer have access to, and our conversations now show up with a blank face (Facebook chat was the last way we communicated). The only remnant I could find of her online was an Etsy account. She had a wishlist on there with a few items on it and so I bought something she had picked and it is hanging on my wall right now.

brandoncapecci 13y ago
Christ... reading that made me feel instantly depressed. Sorry that happened to you man.
- matznerd 13y ago
  Thank you, I appreciate it. It was not my intent to depress you...but if there is anything to take away, it's just don't leave anything unsaid with someone, because you never know when they could be gone...
dalek_cannes 13y ago
Perhaps this is a good thing? (Forgive me if it's not and I'm being insensitive) Before human beings developed external memories (photographs and now digital records of everything we do), trauma and negative memories were supposed to slowly fade away, and they did. Only mildly emotional residues remained. Our psychological itch to keep experiencing sights and sounds associated with a thing or person lost could not be scratched no matter how tempted we were. Now we can. Not only that, we consider it some sort of obligation to carry the burden. We scratch the wound just as it starts to heal and it's like experiencing the loss over and over again. or may be that's just my experience. I used to be in a permanent state of melancholy because I always reminisced about past losses, even when the present was good. I don't do that anymore. I've a rule, in fact: never replay a negative experience more than once unless you have new data to re-evaluate it in a different light.

abraham_s 13y ago

I don't want to be disrespectful, just sharing my opinion. My dad passed away few months ago and we decided to delete his facebook account. It was too hard for us to see his pictures and suddenly feel the pain all over again. Especially on FB the profile picture shows up in unexpected places.(mutuals friends etc...). For us deleting the account seemed to the right thing to do for the healing process.

InTheSwiss 13y ago
It is not disrespectful at all. Everybody heals in different ways. You do what you have to do to help yourself heal. I wish you and your family all the best and hope you find today easier than yesterday.