5 ms·

I understand the faking all too well. Awhile back I was this fat, neckbearded kid in my mothers basement coding and gaming. Realized I'm trash at interacting o

by rfnslyr 13y ago

I understand the faking all too well. Awhile back I was this fat, neckbearded kid in my mothers basement coding and gaming. Realized I'm trash at interacting on the most basic levels with people. Lost all the weight, got strong, got decently good looking, but inside I'm always still that shy nerd that doesn't really want to go out ever and keep to himself. Every outing I need to mentally and physically prepare for, I can't just "go out" and be with people. I have to pay active attention to how my face feels, what position I'm sitting in, how I'm walking, the spacing between my steps, my pacing, every little detail is calculated and it makes going out extremely difficult. Every single day is a mission to fake it, and though I'm good at it now and it's nearly natural, I still microanalyze every person, gesture, blink, speech, walk, turn, movement of everyone and I incorporate these attributes into my own outward image to project confidence, courage, and ambition. I never had friends growing up when I was young, not sure what kind of impact that truly had but as an outsider, I've been observing relentlessly, almost obsessively, and taking bits and pieces from others until I formed someone decent (me), how normal people act in normal situations. I still feel extremely anxious every day to the point of having to pep talk myself before meeting someone, that has never changed for a second, the only thing that has changed is my ability to mask it but I'm as scared as ever. It makes me wonder if everyone is in the same shoes. I'm a person that can't do anything unless a process, or number, is attached to it. Essays in highschool? Barely ever passed, I lock down, don't know where to start. Math? Design? Computers? Not the slightest problem, which is why human interaction is so difficult, there is no "set way" to interact. I don't really know who I truly am because all my mannerisms are borrowed from various people, movies, figures, friends. No movement or expression is my own and it's difficult to cope with. Through my observation, the only thing that honestly matters, is just being nice and treating others as equals and it all falls into place. I don't know if it's mental illness or what it is, but I can tell you right now the happiest I'd ever be is 100% alone left to my own mind somewhere deep in nature. I remember having a heart to heart with roommates I was "close" with. We started talking about all our passive aggressiveness because it was starting to get to all of us and ruin our living situation. It got way to real, and then it got to me. I explained to them how I see the world, how I deal with things, and they honestly looked kinda terrified and thought I was crazy, and it hasn't really been the same since then since they don't really know who I am now, I don't even know who I am.

mikevm 13y ago
When you sit in class, or say, on the bus, do you usually go for the back seat, behind everyone, where no one can see you? Maybe you have social anxiety (or anxiety in general) which what makes it painful going out and interacting with other people. Regarding the inability to write essays, I also have that problem where I feel like nothing is coming to me and I don't really know how to start. I have recently been tested and it appears that I have a learning disability (something memory related).
- rfnslyr 13y ago
  Yes I sit in the back all the time. It's weird, if you met me, I'm the most confident/nice/happy person to hang out with, but it's all absolutely fake and orchestrated, and borrowed, and I can even tell you which features are from who! Ideally I'd throw on my default face all day but nobody likes that, I just look super pissed off. How do you get tested/evaluated? Yeah I have social anxiety for sure.
  - lgieron 13y ago
    Two points: 1. If your "default face" is being super pissed off all the time, it means you're probably having larger problems on top of social anxiety. Apart from genetics (some people are just less/more cheerful than others), there must be factors in your life which make you like that - try to identify them. 2. There are people who prefer interacting with others' "natural face", even if it is to some extent not attractive (not everything needs to be TV-show attractive! quirkiness can make you interesting to others), to interacting with a "happy drone". Talking to "happy drones" feel like watching a commercial.
  - mikevm 13y ago
    > How do you get tested/evaluated? You need to look for a decent psychiatrist. By the way, there is no magic fix for anxiety. The non-medication route might use CBT (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy) and the meds that are usually prescribed are anti-depressants. I also have social anxiety (a mild form of it), that makes me a little awkward around people, and makes my heart rate go through the roof when I need to speak publicly (for example, asking a question in a large class). I was offered to take anti-depressants, but I chose not to because I feel that I can deal with it without any meds.

by rfnslyr 13y ago

mikevm 13y ago

When you sit in class, or say, on the bus, do you usually go for the back seat, behind everyone, where no one can see you? Maybe you have social anxiety (or anxiety in general) which what makes it painful going out and interacting with other people. Regarding the inability to write essays, I also have that problem where I feel like nothing is coming to me and I don't really know how to start. I have recently been tested and it appears that I have a learning disability (something memory related).

rfnslyr 13y ago
Yes I sit in the back all the time. It's weird, if you met me, I'm the most confident/nice/happy person to hang out with, but it's all absolutely fake and orchestrated, and borrowed, and I can even tell you which features are from who! Ideally I'd throw on my default face all day but nobody likes that, I just look super pissed off. How do you get tested/evaluated? Yeah I have social anxiety for sure.
- lgieron 13y ago
  Two points: 1. If your "default face" is being super pissed off all the time, it means you're probably having larger problems on top of social anxiety. Apart from genetics (some people are just less/more cheerful than others), there must be factors in your life which make you like that - try to identify them. 2. There are people who prefer interacting with others' "natural face", even if it is to some extent not attractive (not everything needs to be TV-show attractive! quirkiness can make you interesting to others), to interacting with a "happy drone". Talking to "happy drones" feel like watching a commercial.
- mikevm 13y ago
  > How do you get tested/evaluated? You need to look for a decent psychiatrist. By the way, there is no magic fix for anxiety. The non-medication route might use CBT (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy) and the meds that are usually prescribed are anti-depressants. I also have social anxiety (a mild form of it), that makes me a little awkward around people, and makes my heart rate go through the roof when I need to speak publicly (for example, asking a question in a large class). I was offered to take anti-depressants, but I chose not to because I feel that I can deal with it without any meds.