3 ms·

I can relate with the author's experience of moving to a new city, knowing no one. A year ago I moved from England to Sydney. Like the author, I also went heavi

I can relate with the author's experience of moving to a new city, knowing no one. A year ago I moved from England to Sydney. Like the author, I also went heavily out of my way to take part in social activities that would help me meet like-minded people. What she says is true: it is so hard to build up a social circle from scratch that way, while also working a full-time job. Seeing the same people once every couple of weeks is not enough. There were a number nights where I felt very lonely. It really made me realise how easy it is making friends through school/work/housemates/mutual friends. I lived in share houses as a means to meeting people, but it is complete potluck who you end up with. The first house I lived in was with people who were very different to me, so after a few months I left. I finally found a house with a decent set of people dropping by, however I always felt like I was on the fringe of the group -- they had all been friends for years. I believe another problem is the fact that even between countries like Britain and Australia (and even cities within those countries) there are subtle differences between the types of people in each place. These small differences from what I was used to also contributed to my feelings of isolation. For these reasons, countries like India -- where people tend to live in much closer proximity -- really appeal to me. In most Western countries we have a very isolationist culture, i.e. big fences, not knowing your neighbours etc. and I think this makes loneliness more of a problem on quite a deep level in society. Having said that, the initial language barrier would make things hard in countries such as India. Having said all that, I don't think that these feelings of loneliness were particularly serious in my case. I am a melancholic person, but pretty far from being depressed. I tend to think of these experiences as "character building" -- this puts it in quite a positive light for me. If I really am unhappy with a situation, then I will work towards doing something about it, which makes me feel more positive as I look towards the future. So I have my ways of dealing with this, but I can sympathise with anyone who has these issues, and understand how it can very easily become a serious problem -- given the right ingredients.

mercer 13y ago
I think a big problem lies in the individualist approach combined with a reserved attitude toward others. When you start a 'new life' in a new place where you cannot rely on massive amounts of free time, or structured 'community' (university, high school, church), you have to find shortcuts to making 'significant' connections. I've done okay on that front, having moved to a completely new place very often in my life. I find that one of the secrets is being extra honest, and extra open, instead of waiting for 'organic' moments of connection. These moments happen if you have loads of time to spend with people. If you don't have the time, too much can happen to get in the way of making such a connection before it is too late. I rather like this quote in the context. Can't remember who wrote it: "We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are when beneath every attitude is the want to be loved, and beneath every anger is a wound to be healed and beneath every sadness is the fear that there will not be enough time. When we hesitate in being direct, we unknowingly slip something on, some added layer of protection that keeps us from feeling the world, and often that thin covering is the beginning of a loneliness which, if not put down, diminishes our chances of joy. It’s like wearing gloves every time we touch something, and then, forgetting we chose to put them on, we complain that nothing feels quite real. Our challenge each day is not to get dressed to face the world but to unglove ourselves so that the doorknob feels cold and the car handle feels wet and the kiss goodbye feels like the lips of another being, soft and unrepeatable."

mercer 13y ago

I think a big problem lies in the individualist approach combined with a reserved attitude toward others. When you start a 'new life' in a new place where you cannot rely on massive amounts of free time, or structured 'community' (university, high school, church), you have to find shortcuts to making 'significant' connections. I've done okay on that front, having moved to a completely new place very often in my life. I find that one of the secrets is being extra honest, and extra open, instead of waiting for 'organic' moments of connection. These moments happen if you have loads of time to spend with people. If you don't have the time, too much can happen to get in the way of making such a connection before it is too late. I rather like this quote in the context. Can't remember who wrote it: "We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are when beneath every attitude is the want to be loved, and beneath every anger is a wound to be healed and beneath every sadness is the fear that there will not be enough time. When we hesitate in being direct, we unknowingly slip something on, some added layer of protection that keeps us from feeling the world, and often that thin covering is the beginning of a loneliness which, if not put down, diminishes our chances of joy. It’s like wearing gloves every time we touch something, and then, forgetting we chose to put them on, we complain that nothing feels quite real. Our challenge each day is not to get dressed to face the world but to unglove ourselves so that the doorknob feels cold and the car handle feels wet and the kiss goodbye feels like the lips of another being, soft and unrepeatable."