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I'm just trying to play the devil's advocate here, because honestly the behavior annoys the ever-loving crap outta me. But I think the conversation is interest

I'm just trying to play the devil's advocate here, because honestly the behavior annoys the ever-loving crap outta me. But I think the conversation is interesting... Why are you having lunch together? To kill time? To work on a deal? To coordinate the secret drop location? Do you honestly need their full attention during lunch? What does the pause (while the other guys replies to a text/tweet) detract from lunch? Maybe context matters more than it used to.

smokinn 17y ago
Personally, it doesn't bother me (I'm 25) when people do this to me (though I don't usually do it myself mostly due to not owning an iphone or ipod or any portable gadgets other than a basic cell phone) but I'm really interested in why it bothers some people. Do you know why it annoys you? Is it because you find it's a lack of respect? Is it just because you yourself have nothing better to do while your conversation partner engages with something remote?
- saturdayplace 17y ago
  >Do you know why it annoys you? My first instinct when this happens is to say, "Pay attention to me, I'm right here." which feels narcissistic. That feeling caused me to think again about why I get annoyed. Do I really deserve their attention? The counter to the narcissism argument is that I feel like I ought to be preferred because I was there first. Sort of like how you feel when you've been waiting in line at a checkout only to have the cashier turn and answer the phone when you reach the counter. Also, I feel like physical proximity seems like it should count higher in the 'urgency' scheme.
- frossie 17y ago
  Because it brings an imbalance in the relationship - I am giving them my full attention, and they are not. Now there are situations in which this is okay - for example in a close relationship where these things are understood, so maybe I have brought along a newspaper to read while waiting for the food to arrive, and my lunch date is checking their email. Contrary to the comment below, the narcissistic person is the one who is texting, not the one who is waiting - because the person who is texting is almost certainly overrating the importance of him sending an immediate reply to his correspondents.
- briancooley 17y ago
  >Do you know why it annoys you? Have you ever tried to get someone's attention when they are electronically engaged? Because the electronic interaction is passive, the engaged party mistakenly believes that they can divide their attention between you and the device. They often can't. Since it's difficult to gauge how fully engaged they are, you are often left wondering whether they are actually listening to you. Trying to interact with an electronically engaged person is extremely frustrating, and I feel sorry for my wife who has tried to have many a conversation with me while I stared at a computer screen. It's fine to be together and do independent activities side-by-side, as long as that's the agreement. My wife often watches TV in the same room where I am using my laptop just for the proximity, but we never consider it quality time. In fact, I'd say those sessions often leave us feeling more urgent about spending time together. A by-product of physical proximity is evaluation of interaction. If I meet a friend for a meal or a drink, I want to interact, not gather up the leftover crumbs of attention. And, to head off an argument I've heard before, I'll say that it's not the same as if a third party dropped by during our visit. That at least has the possibility of a conversation among the three of us. I might think it rude if my friend did not introduce me, and I would certainly think it rude if my friend spent most of our time together talking to this third person without introducing me.

smokinn 17y ago

Personally, it doesn't bother me (I'm 25) when people do this to me (though I don't usually do it myself mostly due to not owning an iphone or ipod or any portable gadgets other than a basic cell phone) but I'm really interested in why it bothers some people. Do you know why it annoys you? Is it because you find it's a lack of respect? Is it just because you yourself have nothing better to do while your conversation partner engages with something remote?

saturdayplace 17y ago
>Do you know why it annoys you? My first instinct when this happens is to say, "Pay attention to me, I'm right here." which feels narcissistic. That feeling caused me to think again about why I get annoyed. Do I really deserve their attention? The counter to the narcissism argument is that I feel like I ought to be preferred because I was there first. Sort of like how you feel when you've been waiting in line at a checkout only to have the cashier turn and answer the phone when you reach the counter. Also, I feel like physical proximity seems like it should count higher in the 'urgency' scheme.
frossie 17y ago
Because it brings an imbalance in the relationship - I am giving them my full attention, and they are not. Now there are situations in which this is okay - for example in a close relationship where these things are understood, so maybe I have brought along a newspaper to read while waiting for the food to arrive, and my lunch date is checking their email. Contrary to the comment below, the narcissistic person is the one who is texting, not the one who is waiting - because the person who is texting is almost certainly overrating the importance of him sending an immediate reply to his correspondents.
briancooley 17y ago
>Do you know why it annoys you? Have you ever tried to get someone's attention when they are electronically engaged? Because the electronic interaction is passive, the engaged party mistakenly believes that they can divide their attention between you and the device. They often can't. Since it's difficult to gauge how fully engaged they are, you are often left wondering whether they are actually listening to you. Trying to interact with an electronically engaged person is extremely frustrating, and I feel sorry for my wife who has tried to have many a conversation with me while I stared at a computer screen. It's fine to be together and do independent activities side-by-side, as long as that's the agreement. My wife often watches TV in the same room where I am using my laptop just for the proximity, but we never consider it quality time. In fact, I'd say those sessions often leave us feeling more urgent about spending time together. A by-product of physical proximity is evaluation of interaction. If I meet a friend for a meal or a drink, I want to interact, not gather up the leftover crumbs of attention. And, to head off an argument I've heard before, I'll say that it's not the same as if a third party dropped by during our visit. That at least has the possibility of a conversation among the three of us. I might think it rude if my friend did not introduce me, and I would certainly think it rude if my friend spent most of our time together talking to this third person without introducing me.