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The most effective apology is often not as complicated as this. The crucial part is asking for forgiveness. "I apologize for ______. Please forgive me." I lea

The most effective apology is often not as complicated as this. The crucial part is asking for forgiveness. "I apologize for ______. Please forgive me." I learned this a long time ago from a CareerTrack seminar on communication and it has served me well in getting out of many a bind - allowing me to move forward and past mistakes, some very big. It is especially effective in written communication like emails to collaborators.

Spearchucker 13y ago
Unless from family and friends I have no faith in apologies, no matter how they're worded or sugar-coated. They're materially worthless. An act in line with the intent of an apology carries much more weight with me.
rmrfrmrf 13y ago
From what I remember about Crucial Conversations, the kind of apology you're suggesting works best in certain circumstances (usually one-time offenses). That type of apology loses meaning, though, when your behavior is the problem rather than a specific action. For example, if you're late to work for the 10th time in a row, apologizing and asking for forgiveness is probably going to be more irritating than helpful. The intention to change is what becomes more important.
- wallflower 13y ago
  Very good point. This is definitely not for repeat offenses. Without going into details, at a job once, once I was threatened to be put on a PIP [1], I dramatically changed my behavior. At that point, as you mentioned, you are way past apologies and into the realm of 'oh sh_t, I may get fired" and very, very unambiguous communication (from your boss). Only someone is really, really stupid would ask for forgiveness at the point - because the tone is very measured and corporate and grim reaper serious. [1] http://www.tlnt.com/2012/06/01/weekly-wrap-the-dirty-little-secret-of-performance-improvement-plans/ http://www.tlnt.com/2012/06/01/weekly-wrap-the-dirty-little-...
eshvk 13y ago
> The most effective apology is often not as complicated as this. The crucial part is asking for forgiveness. I don't think I agree. The words, even when they come from someone you know, are just ultimately words. Those words need to be followed up by actions on the part of the person asking for forgiveness: making restitution, showing how this will never happen again. What I am saying is that 'I am sorry' is just code for hurry the fuck up and get over it. If you want to move ahead of mistakes, the blog's detailed way of looking at it is much better, IMO.
SilasX 13y ago
It's possible to emit "Please forgive me" regardless of any intent to make things better or prevent the incident from happening again. I don't understand the focus on the choice of words.

Spearchucker 13y ago

Unless from family and friends I have no faith in apologies, no matter how they're worded or sugar-coated. They're materially worthless. An act in line with the intent of an apology carries much more weight with me.

rmrfrmrf 13y ago

From what I remember about Crucial Conversations, the kind of apology you're suggesting works best in certain circumstances (usually one-time offenses). That type of apology loses meaning, though, when your behavior is the problem rather than a specific action. For example, if you're late to work for the 10th time in a row, apologizing and asking for forgiveness is probably going to be more irritating than helpful. The intention to change is what becomes more important.

wallflower 13y ago
Very good point. This is definitely not for repeat offenses. Without going into details, at a job once, once I was threatened to be put on a PIP [1], I dramatically changed my behavior. At that point, as you mentioned, you are way past apologies and into the realm of 'oh sh_t, I may get fired" and very, very unambiguous communication (from your boss). Only someone is really, really stupid would ask for forgiveness at the point - because the tone is very measured and corporate and grim reaper serious. [1] http://www.tlnt.com/2012/06/01/weekly-wrap-the-dirty-little-secret-of-performance-improvement-plans/ http://www.tlnt.com/2012/06/01/weekly-wrap-the-dirty-little-...

eshvk 13y ago

> The most effective apology is often not as complicated as this. The crucial part is asking for forgiveness. I don't think I agree. The words, even when they come from someone you know, are just ultimately words. Those words need to be followed up by actions on the part of the person asking for forgiveness: making restitution, showing how this will never happen again. What I am saying is that 'I am sorry' is just code for hurry the fuck up and get over it. If you want to move ahead of mistakes, the blog's detailed way of looking at it is much better, IMO.

SilasX 13y ago

It's possible to emit "Please forgive me" regardless of any intent to make things better or prevent the incident from happening again. I don't understand the focus on the choice of words.