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> I don’t want to be alone, but I want to be left alone. I have always suffered from this as well. Perhaps it is just a touch of introversion? I have a happy

> I don’t want to be alone, but I want to be left alone. I have always suffered from this as well. Perhaps it is just a touch of introversion? I have a happy marriage and family but I often need time all to myself or I just get overwhelmed by the constant stimulus of...other people. I don't even necessarily do anything different than I would with my family, though I generally try to work on my own projects or study something interesting.

minikites 13y ago
That's understandable. I read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153 http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/d... and I felt a lot less guilty after more thoroughly understanding myself and what introversion is (not necessarily the same as misanthropy or social anxiety)
- hjay 13y ago
  I saw the picture of Susan Cain (the author) on that page and I thought she was awfully familiar. It was then that I realized she was the lady who gave this talk http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.... a while back. Enjoyed the talk, I will be looking to buy this book once I'm done with my current reading schedule.
  - dwc 13y ago
    That was a great talk. The book is also great, and definitely worthwhile.
PavlovsCat 13y ago
Isn't that the (pop?) definition of extrovert and introvert, i.e. some recharge when with others, others when alone? For me that seems to constantly change, that is, when I spent a lot of time alone, people are exciting and refreshing to me, but if I spend many intensive hours with many people, I sometimes actually physically shiver in relief the second that is over: the moment I walk out the door, close the door behind visitors, or put down the phone, I tremble a bit and feel a wave of relaxation wash over me. I like to think that's a sign that my body and mind were looking forward to some alone time, to process things maybe, instead of me being antisocial or socially inept.. but I'm not sure, could be a bit of both.
- jenius 13y ago
  Wow this is super weird, I was just thinking this exact same thing about myself, spacing out and mulling it over in front of my computer screen, then I refocused my eyes and this was the next comment and I read it. Crazy. I'd love to know what the answer is though, for real - what would we be classified as? I experience things exactly as you said - for me it's about a balance. Sometimes I have been out too long doing whatever with people, hanging out, drinking etc and I want some time to take a break, get a glass of water, and get some work done. And sometimes I have been getting work done for too long and I need to be out and see people. It's a very strong urge on both sides, and the ideal spot is right in the middle.
  - Swizec 13y ago
    I'm exactly like that as well. I believe it's called "being normal". As quaint as somebody admitting to being perfectly normal might sound on the internet.
    - jkaykin 13y ago
      You are right, it is called being normal. If you look at the Ayurvedic lifestyle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ayurveda http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ayurveda), then you will understand that our body is always looking for equilibrium. So when something is out of balance (hanging out too long, drinking, partying), you need to bring it back in to balance (going home, resting, having personal time). It's quite a fascinating ideology.
ncphillips 13y ago
I can relate to this at times. Although I would be perfectly capable of doing working at home, I don't. Instead I sit in public places so that I am not alone. But, I would note, those places are not social. In the library of my university is a large open room, which often has several people in it; however, is a designated quiet area so talking is kept to a minimum. This way I am not alone, but I am left alone. It is the presence of other's I enjoy, not necessarily their attention.
- mindcrime 13y ago
  Yeah, same here. I'm sitting at a Barnes & Noble cafe right now, actually. I prefer to be here over being at home, because if I'm alone in my apartment too much in one go, the "lonely" thing really kicks in big-time. But, by the same token, even though I like having people around right now, I very, very much do not want to talk to any of these people, or interact with them in pretty much anyway. Well, OK, other than the two hot baristas serving coffee, especially the redhead, but I digress... Anyway, the "lonely but want to be left alone" thing really resonates with me. I definitely am a lonely person, as I find it harder and harder to "connect" with people on a deep level as I get older, and I don't have many truly close friends even though most people think of me as highly social, and I have tons and tons of acquaintances. So I know lots of people, am social enough to interact with strangers when I want to, have no problems networking and talking to people at events, etc... but I still mostly don't enjoy being around people, except for a very selective set of people that I deem interesting. Most people bore me very quickly, which is, I suppose, part of my problem. Very few people just seem to be interested in anything genuinely interesting. Outside of hanging out at SplatSpace (local hackerspace), most people strike me as fairly boring. It also doesn't help that I have strongly held opinions and positions that make me a minority in one sense of another in most social groups (I'm a Libertarian and I'm atheist) so the set of people I'm likely to feel good about deeply engaging in is already pretty small. sigh
asie 13y ago
As somebody who has cancer, mentioned in the article and mentioned right next to diabetes (cringe), I look at the people complaining about how human interaction is complicated and life is difficult and I am left speechless. Fuck people, make an effort. Do it for the dying ones.
- eshvk 13y ago
  Life is difficult. People feel their problems are insurmountable; "make an effort" feels like an American cheerleading thing. Sometimes, it is not really about the effort; if it was, you could get rid of therapists and SSRIs and tell people to run around the block a few times. Also, everyone is dying. Your illness has made you more aware of it; how people accept death is the question.
- paranoiacblack 13y ago
  You're just missing the point entirely. Fry isn't setting up Cancer and Diabetes and Depression or suicidal thoughts as equals, but rather as equally likely ailments. "Make an effort" is blaming the victim for something usually out of their control which is similar to blaming you for getting cancer. Imagine if you were telling someone with skin cancer or lung cancer that they should "make an effort" to stay out of the sun or quit cigarettes. You're trivializing the disease that's already there. And you're not the only one. This is a common attitude people have. It's as if people who really feel detached from this life and want to end it do not have that right. Instead, millions of people would rather sit down and debate whether it's ethical for someone to kill themselves or have a physician-assisted suicide. Maybe we all want to believe that everything is a Hollywood-esque setting where you just need to find the right people and love of your life to get everything back together. In reality, mental illness (cyclothymia, in this case) is just as real as every other illness and you can't just "make an effort" to get rid of it. I'm sorry about your illness, but try to not to trivialize other's, it isn't a competition.
  - asie 13y ago
    I very well understand what you mean. My post came out sounding worse than I intended to and I see everybody jumped the gun and assumed I intended depression=whiny people. This is an answer to everybody. I didn't. And of course I did not mean "snap out of it", which is bullshit and we all know that. Nor I intended to say that a disease is worse that the other (being un-PC, it might be, but how do you judge that? by which standards? and isn't it a futile exercise?). Every human being deserves respect, and that includes respecting their illness.
nostrademons 13y ago
I think there's a difference between what Fry's describing and normal introversion. Normal introversion is "I just want to be left alone for a few hours", or at most, "I just want to be left alone this weekend". Introverts have normal need for community, they like being around people - they just can't stand to be around people too much, because it's energy draining for them. Fry seems to talk in terms of "I just want to be left alone this lifetime." There're a lot of personality traits that are perfectly normal over the short term that become pathological over the long term. Sadness, for example - he describes how before medication he would consider suicide daily, while now he can still feel sad, but it doesn't feel like this all-consuming ever-present companion. Anger too: it's normal to get angry, it's not normal to be angry. And loneliness, and drive, and even things like hope or rationality. I remember describing to my therapist that I have this tendency to get super-obsessed with whatever I'm working on and block out everything for a couple days so that I can concentrate on it. Her first question was, "Do you return to your normal life at the end of those few days, or do you feel like it consumes you until you finish it?" When I said I usually return to normal after a bit, she was like, "Maybe that's just a personality trait of yourself that you have to learn to accept." It's (generally) not pathological if it's temporary, if you feel you have a "self" outside of the trait.
- thaumaturgy 13y ago
  > Fry seems to talk in terms of "I just want to be left alone this lifetime." There is a struggle -- not speaking for him but for myself -- between wanting companionship and wanting to be alone. I think my default state is, "I just want to be left alone", but every so once in a while all of the alone-ness (not loneliness per se, but all of the quiet and solitude and introspection and stillness that accompanies prolonged periods of being alone) kind of piles up and becomes too much to bear, and then I need to connect in some way with someone for a little while. But, only a little while. And, if I don't get to make that connection, then loneliness sets in: the feeling that I am no longer alone by choice, but rather that there is something wrong with me, something that is off-putting to other people. Then, I begin to feel unable to connect to others. It is a damnable thing. I have tried all manner of approaches to "managing" it, to make it less pathological, but in the end I simply loathe the company of other people right up until I suddenly am desperate for it -- where it's too late and too difficult to get it because I don't maintain friendships and relationships the way that other people do.
mwfunk 13y ago
I've always been like this as well. I have all sorts of solitary things that I enjoy doing, and that time spent alone recharges me for the other parts of my life. But, when I'm alone too much, I get lonely and that makes me unhappy. But, when I'm trying to maintain a social life I don't get my alone time as much and that makes me unhappy. Fortunately my wife is very similar, so it's a good fit on that level. It can just be really hard finding a balance while still being a good friend to my friends.
- suppressingfire 13y ago
  Naw, don't worry about it. You're a great friend :-)
lcedp 13y ago
I believe it's just how the human mind works. If you spend a lot of time with somebody(even with the loved ones), you start to want to enjoy some time alone. But after an hour(or a day) without them you want the opposite.
callmeed 13y ago
Yes, most definitely. I never really realized it until I got married. Going from only child to being married to a big, loud, Italian family was hard. On Thanksgiving and Christmas, usually by 1pm I'm down the street going for a walk.
RexRollman 13y ago
I've been diagnosed with cyclothymia as well and I had always assumed that this feeling was part of it. I want to be alone but, as the same time, I don't want to be lonely. It's a weird thing and something of a paradox.

minikites 13y ago

That's understandable. I read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153 http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/d... and I felt a lot less guilty after more thoroughly understanding myself and what introversion is (not necessarily the same as misanthropy or social anxiety)

hjay 13y ago
I saw the picture of Susan Cain (the author) on that page and I thought she was awfully familiar. It was then that I realized she was the lady who gave this talk http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.... a while back. Enjoyed the talk, I will be looking to buy this book once I'm done with my current reading schedule.
- dwc 13y ago
  That was a great talk. The book is also great, and definitely worthwhile.

PavlovsCat 13y ago

Isn't that the (pop?) definition of extrovert and introvert, i.e. some recharge when with others, others when alone? For me that seems to constantly change, that is, when I spent a lot of time alone, people are exciting and refreshing to me, but if I spend many intensive hours with many people, I sometimes actually physically shiver in relief the second that is over: the moment I walk out the door, close the door behind visitors, or put down the phone, I tremble a bit and feel a wave of relaxation wash over me. I like to think that's a sign that my body and mind were looking forward to some alone time, to process things maybe, instead of me being antisocial or socially inept.. but I'm not sure, could be a bit of both.

jenius 13y ago
Wow this is super weird, I was just thinking this exact same thing about myself, spacing out and mulling it over in front of my computer screen, then I refocused my eyes and this was the next comment and I read it. Crazy. I'd love to know what the answer is though, for real - what would we be classified as? I experience things exactly as you said - for me it's about a balance. Sometimes I have been out too long doing whatever with people, hanging out, drinking etc and I want some time to take a break, get a glass of water, and get some work done. And sometimes I have been getting work done for too long and I need to be out and see people. It's a very strong urge on both sides, and the ideal spot is right in the middle.
- Swizec 13y ago
  I'm exactly like that as well. I believe it's called "being normal". As quaint as somebody admitting to being perfectly normal might sound on the internet.
  - jkaykin 13y ago
    You are right, it is called being normal. If you look at the Ayurvedic lifestyle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ayurveda http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ayurveda), then you will understand that our body is always looking for equilibrium. So when something is out of balance (hanging out too long, drinking, partying), you need to bring it back in to balance (going home, resting, having personal time). It's quite a fascinating ideology.

ncphillips 13y ago

I can relate to this at times. Although I would be perfectly capable of doing working at home, I don't. Instead I sit in public places so that I am not alone. But, I would note, those places are not social. In the library of my university is a large open room, which often has several people in it; however, is a designated quiet area so talking is kept to a minimum. This way I am not alone, but I am left alone. It is the presence of other's I enjoy, not necessarily their attention.

mindcrime 13y ago
Yeah, same here. I'm sitting at a Barnes & Noble cafe right now, actually. I prefer to be here over being at home, because if I'm alone in my apartment too much in one go, the "lonely" thing really kicks in big-time. But, by the same token, even though I like having people around right now, I very, very much do not want to talk to any of these people, or interact with them in pretty much anyway. Well, OK, other than the two hot baristas serving coffee, especially the redhead, but I digress... Anyway, the "lonely but want to be left alone" thing really resonates with me. I definitely am a lonely person, as I find it harder and harder to "connect" with people on a deep level as I get older, and I don't have many truly close friends even though most people think of me as highly social, and I have tons and tons of acquaintances. So I know lots of people, am social enough to interact with strangers when I want to, have no problems networking and talking to people at events, etc... but I still mostly don't enjoy being around people, except for a very selective set of people that I deem interesting. Most people bore me very quickly, which is, I suppose, part of my problem. Very few people just seem to be interested in anything genuinely interesting. Outside of hanging out at SplatSpace (local hackerspace), most people strike me as fairly boring. It also doesn't help that I have strongly held opinions and positions that make me a minority in one sense of another in most social groups (I'm a Libertarian and I'm atheist) so the set of people I'm likely to feel good about deeply engaging in is already pretty small. sigh

asie 13y ago

As somebody who has cancer, mentioned in the article and mentioned right next to diabetes (cringe), I look at the people complaining about how human interaction is complicated and life is difficult and I am left speechless. Fuck people, make an effort. Do it for the dying ones.

eshvk 13y ago
Life is difficult. People feel their problems are insurmountable; "make an effort" feels like an American cheerleading thing. Sometimes, it is not really about the effort; if it was, you could get rid of therapists and SSRIs and tell people to run around the block a few times. Also, everyone is dying. Your illness has made you more aware of it; how people accept death is the question.
paranoiacblack 13y ago
You're just missing the point entirely. Fry isn't setting up Cancer and Diabetes and Depression or suicidal thoughts as equals, but rather as equally likely ailments. "Make an effort" is blaming the victim for something usually out of their control which is similar to blaming you for getting cancer. Imagine if you were telling someone with skin cancer or lung cancer that they should "make an effort" to stay out of the sun or quit cigarettes. You're trivializing the disease that's already there. And you're not the only one. This is a common attitude people have. It's as if people who really feel detached from this life and want to end it do not have that right. Instead, millions of people would rather sit down and debate whether it's ethical for someone to kill themselves or have a physician-assisted suicide. Maybe we all want to believe that everything is a Hollywood-esque setting where you just need to find the right people and love of your life to get everything back together. In reality, mental illness (cyclothymia, in this case) is just as real as every other illness and you can't just "make an effort" to get rid of it. I'm sorry about your illness, but try to not to trivialize other's, it isn't a competition.
- asie 13y ago
  I very well understand what you mean. My post came out sounding worse than I intended to and I see everybody jumped the gun and assumed I intended depression=whiny people. This is an answer to everybody. I didn't. And of course I did not mean "snap out of it", which is bullshit and we all know that. Nor I intended to say that a disease is worse that the other (being un-PC, it might be, but how do you judge that? by which standards? and isn't it a futile exercise?). Every human being deserves respect, and that includes respecting their illness.

nostrademons 13y ago

I think there's a difference between what Fry's describing and normal introversion. Normal introversion is "I just want to be left alone for a few hours", or at most, "I just want to be left alone this weekend". Introverts have normal need for community, they like being around people - they just can't stand to be around people too much, because it's energy draining for them. Fry seems to talk in terms of "I just want to be left alone this lifetime." There're a lot of personality traits that are perfectly normal over the short term that become pathological over the long term. Sadness, for example - he describes how before medication he would consider suicide daily, while now he can still feel sad, but it doesn't feel like this all-consuming ever-present companion. Anger too: it's normal to get angry, it's not normal to be angry. And loneliness, and drive, and even things like hope or rationality. I remember describing to my therapist that I have this tendency to get super-obsessed with whatever I'm working on and block out everything for a couple days so that I can concentrate on it. Her first question was, "Do you return to your normal life at the end of those few days, or do you feel like it consumes you until you finish it?" When I said I usually return to normal after a bit, she was like, "Maybe that's just a personality trait of yourself that you have to learn to accept." It's (generally) not pathological if it's temporary, if you feel you have a "self" outside of the trait.

thaumaturgy 13y ago
> Fry seems to talk in terms of "I just want to be left alone this lifetime." There is a struggle -- not speaking for him but for myself -- between wanting companionship and wanting to be alone. I think my default state is, "I just want to be left alone", but every so once in a while all of the alone-ness (not loneliness per se, but all of the quiet and solitude and introspection and stillness that accompanies prolonged periods of being alone) kind of piles up and becomes too much to bear, and then I need to connect in some way with someone for a little while. But, only a little while. And, if I don't get to make that connection, then loneliness sets in: the feeling that I am no longer alone by choice, but rather that there is something wrong with me, something that is off-putting to other people. Then, I begin to feel unable to connect to others. It is a damnable thing. I have tried all manner of approaches to "managing" it, to make it less pathological, but in the end I simply loathe the company of other people right up until I suddenly am desperate for it -- where it's too late and too difficult to get it because I don't maintain friendships and relationships the way that other people do.

mwfunk 13y ago

I've always been like this as well. I have all sorts of solitary things that I enjoy doing, and that time spent alone recharges me for the other parts of my life. But, when I'm alone too much, I get lonely and that makes me unhappy. But, when I'm trying to maintain a social life I don't get my alone time as much and that makes me unhappy. Fortunately my wife is very similar, so it's a good fit on that level. It can just be really hard finding a balance while still being a good friend to my friends.

suppressingfire 13y ago
Naw, don't worry about it. You're a great friend :-)

lcedp 13y ago

I believe it's just how the human mind works. If you spend a lot of time with somebody(even with the loved ones), you start to want to enjoy some time alone. But after an hour(or a day) without them you want the opposite.

callmeed 13y ago

Yes, most definitely. I never really realized it until I got married. Going from only child to being married to a big, loud, Italian family was hard. On Thanksgiving and Christmas, usually by 1pm I'm down the street going for a walk.

RexRollman 13y ago

I've been diagnosed with cyclothymia as well and I had always assumed that this feeling was part of it. I want to be alone but, as the same time, I don't want to be lonely. It's a weird thing and something of a paradox.