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This is a great article. Not good, great. It's a simple and objective look at a very difficult truth: It's so very easy (and, in the author's assessment -- whic
by obviouslygreen 13y ago
This is a great article. Not good, great. It's a simple and objective look at a very difficult truth: It's so very easy (and, in the author's assessment -- which I agree with -- so very normal) to look at yourself as the exception, and to ignore or simply be ignorant of your own flaws, while eagerly pointing out those of others.
I keep learning more about myself (not the pleasant things, of course) because of this sort of introspection. I had absolutely none of it as a kid. I think few people do, but the more you manage -- and the later in life you manage it -- the harder it is to look back at yourself and not wince.
I'd say, and I think the author makes this point as well, at least in passing, one of the hardest things is forgiving yourself when you step back and realize how you've behaved (particularly after condemning others for the same actions). It's a lot easier to take someone else's actions and say "well, he/she didn't mean it" or "OK, that's just how people are" than to look at yourself, know that yes, you did mean it or intend to do it, and no, you don't really find it acceptable.
- criswell 13y agoWe judge others by their actions, ourselves by our intentions.
- bobwaycott 13y agoIndeed. Fundamental attribution error.
- earbitscom 13y agoI tend not to do this, which is why I find myself at age 35 with practically no grudges held and very few people who I cannot tolerate or even appreciate. It also makes it easier to recognize whether something is reconcilable in business, with employees, etc. Accidents happen, people make mistakes. I often find that unless I truly believe something was done out of malice, I have very little problem getting over it quickly.
- dasil003 13y agoI'm also 35 and feel exactly the same way. This often gets me in trouble with my wife when she exclaims "how could x have done y!" and I proceed to stick my foot in mouth by saying "maybe they were thinking z".
- yankeehue 13y agoI've had the same exchange with my wife many times, and it always results in an argument. I guess there are some mistakes I make more than once. Coincidentally, I am 35 and feel the same way :) Most of us are just working hard to get through the day and we're all going to screw up sometimes. I always try to offer understanding for others' mistakes, and hopefully I'll receive the same.
- dasil003 13y agoWell, if you've held your tongue at least once, then that's what I call progress. Being forgiving of others' mistakes is not something that will ever steer you wrong (except in the case of the NSA surveillance, but I digress), and that extends doubly to excusing your wife for her unforgiveness. And "shh!", don't tell her I said that, and mine neither.
- bostonvaulter2 13y agoHmmmm, it sounds like she may want empathy and the ability to vent rather than any sort of solution or analysis. That's something that I've struggled with in the past but I think I'm getting better at.
- tunesmith 13y agoWell, he is empathizing... just not with his wife. :-)
- theorique 13y agoWomen (especially significant others) tend to want you to agree with them, not with the person they're complaining about. Don't give an objective analysis of the situation with an account of the other person's point of view, especially if your wife or girlfriend is in the midst of emotionally venting. It won't be appreciated. Once she's cooled off and feels listened to and heard, then you can start to reintroduce logical analysis and 'what was the other party thinking and why did they do what they did'. But not right away.
- davorak 13y agoPerceived intentions and perceived actions often seem to fit the bill better then actual actions.
- dasil003 13y agoI especially loved the closing paragraph about the audio staircase revealing all gossip about you in order of ascending quality. That is terrible and fascinating idea.
- davorak 13y agoOnce you get to the bottom you are surround by the highest praise any has ever given you. Given that what percentage of the population would get stuck at the bottom?
- mateo411 13y agoTim Kreider is an excellent writer and enjoyable to read. He is adept at weaving philosophy, humor, and personal anecdotes together into a great essay. If you like this, keep reading his work.
- syncsynchalt 13y agoAgreed, I read one of his books on a trip to Chicago a week ago (We Learn Nothing), well worth the read.
- nollidge 13y agoI'm slowly realizing that being judgemental and expressing those judgements to sympathetic interlocutors often feels good in the moment, but it's toxic in the long run. This is because those judgements you pass on others are almost always externalizations of judgements you pass on yourself, and usually unfair ones to boot. Realizing you're a hypocrite is painful in the immediate term, but leads to pretty sustained gratification when you notice the gap between the person you could've passively become and the person you actively chose to evolve into.