You wrote " I think all those failures killed me and now I'm lost". Which sounds like you need a good vacation in another culture to me. Go camping if you are o

You wrote " I think all those failures killed me and now I'm lost". Which sounds like you need a good vacation in another culture to me. Go camping if you are on a tight budget. Leave the screen behind for a while and see the world around you. After the rest, I would suggest that you work on a problem of personal interest to you. Not a problem that you think someone else might have a need for, but a problem that YOU are the person who has a need for it. There are still an uncountable number of problems in the world to solve.