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Although I agree that exposure to computers is great for kids, how young is too young? I've got a toddler (3yo) who plays games on my phone. He's actually pret

Although I agree that exposure to computers is great for kids, how young is too young? I've got a toddler (3yo) who plays games on my phone. He's actually pretty good at some of the platform games on it (astonishingly good considering his age), but we're questioning his maturity with phone use. He asks my wife all day long "when is daddy coming home", only to hear "can I play with your phone" when I walk through the door. I'll let him play with it for about half an hour just before dinner, but telling him to pack it away to eat dinner is like a declaration of war. We've gotten to the point that we've banned him outright using my phone because of the anger/temper that it's caused. I know the links of bad behaviour and sugar consumption, but we're thinking that phone use is worse. Anybody else seen this behaviour, or is it just bad parenting?

ChuckMcM 13y ago
Welcome to being a parent. Throughout their lives they will find things that they desire above all else. Your goal should be to figure out how to use that to teach them moderation, and 3 is about the right place to start in my experience. The primary goal for me at that stage was to help them understand delayed gratification, or specifically that working on something not as fun can lead to something fun. The secondary goal turned out to be to find other things that are just as fun. This latter goal was abetted by reading stories like "Bread and Jam for Frances" in which our heroine learns that while Bread and Jam is tasty, it isn't all there is in the world. I did not realize it at the time but the secondary goal of finding things equally fun becomes really useful as they get older. To know from experience that no matter how fun this thing you are doing is, there are other things that are fun out there waiting to be discovered, helped mitigate some obsessing on the one fun thing. Reading/books are great for that since they come in many shapes and topics and you can learn a ton from them.
- alfiejohn_ 13y ago
  Thanks for the comment. You're right. I think the lessons of moderation and delayed gratification should be a goal and not a blanket ban. Finding things equally as fun is hard. He knows what he wants... what works is distracting him from what's in front of him to something else not equally as fun. We'll work on that. As for reading, he really enjoys books but just not nearly enough as gaming. He's favorite is "The little yellow digger" and he's even memorised it. Highly recommend it.
  - ChuckMcM 13y ago
    Well, I'm not going to say parenting is easy, it's not. If it helps there is something more fun out beyond his current experience, you will know it when you find it, and you'll be on to the next thing. As for books, the thing with reading is to get past reading into thinking and once you get there games won't be nearly as entertaining because they are always the same. Something we've done over the years is reading and talking about them. Even simple books like The Animorphs series have things to talk about, or the Boxcar Kids, or any of a zillion books. Good starters are "how would you have told this story?" or "can you create a similar one?" "What do you think character X was thinking?" "Do you think we could build a fire with just a rock and a piece of steel? Lets try it." As long as you stay engaged, your kids will keep coming back. At this stage they are genetically programmed to seek out your approval (too bad for them, but a critical survival tool in the parental arsenal) Expect more, stay engaged, and if you have the experience I have had you will both enjoy the trip.
    - alfiejohn_ 13y ago
      So far, reading has been passive. I'm liking the idea of prompting for the character's thoughts. That sounds really interesting and positive. Thanks for the suggestions. And you're damn right. Parenting is not easy!
- drblast 13y ago
  Now that my kids are a bit older I really want them to be obsessive about something. Minecraft is one of those things that they obsess over, and I'm torn between "It's too much," and "this is so awesome that they're passionate about something creative." For a while I'd introduce them to a new thing and they'd get bored with it in a day or hour. That was starting to worry me.
  - alfiejohn_ 13y ago
    Yeah, I'm totally cool with them being obsessed about something possibly constructive... but I don't think that's possible at 3?
mturmon 13y ago
I'm sure all kids are different. We had a run-in with a portable DVD player for a while that was obsessive like you describe. We had to put it away. The power struggle around enforcing moderate usage turned out to be more negative than just extinguishing the behavior all together. The DVD player only comes out for plane trips now.
- alfiejohn_ 13y ago
  We didn't want a blanket ban because of the aggression, but we've now got a couple more avenues to try now. Hopefully something will work.
  - mturmon 13y ago
    Yep, recognizing the problem and addressing it can be more important than the particular form of the first step you take. Every kid is different.
lotharbot 13y ago
That's right around the age when children should start to be able to handle sequenced events (mine is 3.5 years old and definitely working through it.) Say something like "first, we'll read a book. Next, you can play a game on the phone. Then, it's time to have dinner." Whenever you transition, remind the kid of the sequence. He'll start to get comfortable with the routine of doing something for a while and then moving on to a different task. Some kids respond really well to a "visual schedule", where you have pictures for each event with velcro or magnets on the back, and a board to connect them to. It can and will be a battle, simply because it's hard for a little brain to develop things like impulse control, delayed gratification, and patience. But it's important for your son to learn it, and this is a great age to work on it.
- alfiejohn_ 13y ago
  Will definitely be drawing pictures tonight. Since he still can't read, a visual schedule seems like a good idea.
luke_s 13y ago
Actually we had the same thing happening with my son - when he was about 3 he would run up to my brother as soon as he saw him, borrow his iphone, play games for as long as he could and ignore everything else around him. When he had to return the iPhone he would not be happy... So for his 3rd birthday we bought him an iPod touch! It sounds kind of crazy doesn't it - electronic devices prompting bad behaviour, so we go out and buy him one of his own! However we thought really long and hard about what to do. We felt that throughout his life he will be presented with an endless parade of addictive electronic amusements. An important life skill would be is ignore them and learn to focus on other activities that are less immediately engaging but have a bigger long term reward. We figured that since it was already becoming an issue the time to start teaching this was now. We also felt that with his own device we could better control the programs installed on it and when he can play it. It turned out to be a great purchase! We worked hard to teach my son to play only for limited times and to have balance in the activities he pursues - some playing outside, some time on the iPod touch, some time with legos. We were also able to install some great educational programs. The final kicker was when age 3 and a half he started to learn how to spell and type, so he could search for "lego", "cars" and "aeroplanes" on youtube! All up buying him a device of his own (and putting in some rules and parenting time around it) was a great decision.
- alfiejohn_ 13y ago
  His birthday was last week, and we considered it but put it off because of the temper tantrums. The reason why we're still undecided is like you say there are definitely some positives there. Word recognition at 3.5 is great! What we tried last night was to explain the sequence. Physical playing, dinner, then the phone. We also put a timer on which went off when he had to pack away the phone. It's funny, 5 minutes before the alarm went off he announced that he was finished and to pack it away. Hopefully it wasn't a once off but we're going to be persistent.

ChuckMcM 13y ago

Welcome to being a parent. Throughout their lives they will find things that they desire above all else. Your goal should be to figure out how to use that to teach them moderation, and 3 is about the right place to start in my experience. The primary goal for me at that stage was to help them understand delayed gratification, or specifically that working on something not as fun can lead to something fun. The secondary goal turned out to be to find other things that are just as fun. This latter goal was abetted by reading stories like "Bread and Jam for Frances" in which our heroine learns that while Bread and Jam is tasty, it isn't all there is in the world. I did not realize it at the time but the secondary goal of finding things equally fun becomes really useful as they get older. To know from experience that no matter how fun this thing you are doing is, there are other things that are fun out there waiting to be discovered, helped mitigate some obsessing on the one fun thing. Reading/books are great for that since they come in many shapes and topics and you can learn a ton from them.

alfiejohn_ 13y ago
Thanks for the comment. You're right. I think the lessons of moderation and delayed gratification should be a goal and not a blanket ban. Finding things equally as fun is hard. He knows what he wants... what works is distracting him from what's in front of him to something else not equally as fun. We'll work on that. As for reading, he really enjoys books but just not nearly enough as gaming. He's favorite is "The little yellow digger" and he's even memorised it. Highly recommend it.
- ChuckMcM 13y ago
  Well, I'm not going to say parenting is easy, it's not. If it helps there is something more fun out beyond his current experience, you will know it when you find it, and you'll be on to the next thing. As for books, the thing with reading is to get past reading into thinking and once you get there games won't be nearly as entertaining because they are always the same. Something we've done over the years is reading and talking about them. Even simple books like The Animorphs series have things to talk about, or the Boxcar Kids, or any of a zillion books. Good starters are "how would you have told this story?" or "can you create a similar one?" "What do you think character X was thinking?" "Do you think we could build a fire with just a rock and a piece of steel? Lets try it." As long as you stay engaged, your kids will keep coming back. At this stage they are genetically programmed to seek out your approval (too bad for them, but a critical survival tool in the parental arsenal) Expect more, stay engaged, and if you have the experience I have had you will both enjoy the trip.
  - alfiejohn_ 13y ago
    So far, reading has been passive. I'm liking the idea of prompting for the character's thoughts. That sounds really interesting and positive. Thanks for the suggestions. And you're damn right. Parenting is not easy!
drblast 13y ago
Now that my kids are a bit older I really want them to be obsessive about something. Minecraft is one of those things that they obsess over, and I'm torn between "It's too much," and "this is so awesome that they're passionate about something creative." For a while I'd introduce them to a new thing and they'd get bored with it in a day or hour. That was starting to worry me.
- alfiejohn_ 13y ago
  Yeah, I'm totally cool with them being obsessed about something possibly constructive... but I don't think that's possible at 3?

mturmon 13y ago

I'm sure all kids are different. We had a run-in with a portable DVD player for a while that was obsessive like you describe. We had to put it away. The power struggle around enforcing moderate usage turned out to be more negative than just extinguishing the behavior all together. The DVD player only comes out for plane trips now.

alfiejohn_ 13y ago
We didn't want a blanket ban because of the aggression, but we've now got a couple more avenues to try now. Hopefully something will work.
- mturmon 13y ago
  Yep, recognizing the problem and addressing it can be more important than the particular form of the first step you take. Every kid is different.

lotharbot 13y ago

That's right around the age when children should start to be able to handle sequenced events (mine is 3.5 years old and definitely working through it.) Say something like "first, we'll read a book. Next, you can play a game on the phone. Then, it's time to have dinner." Whenever you transition, remind the kid of the sequence. He'll start to get comfortable with the routine of doing something for a while and then moving on to a different task. Some kids respond really well to a "visual schedule", where you have pictures for each event with velcro or magnets on the back, and a board to connect them to. It can and will be a battle, simply because it's hard for a little brain to develop things like impulse control, delayed gratification, and patience. But it's important for your son to learn it, and this is a great age to work on it.

alfiejohn_ 13y ago
Will definitely be drawing pictures tonight. Since he still can't read, a visual schedule seems like a good idea.

luke_s 13y ago

Actually we had the same thing happening with my son - when he was about 3 he would run up to my brother as soon as he saw him, borrow his iphone, play games for as long as he could and ignore everything else around him. When he had to return the iPhone he would not be happy... So for his 3rd birthday we bought him an iPod touch! It sounds kind of crazy doesn't it - electronic devices prompting bad behaviour, so we go out and buy him one of his own! However we thought really long and hard about what to do. We felt that throughout his life he will be presented with an endless parade of addictive electronic amusements. An important life skill would be is ignore them and learn to focus on other activities that are less immediately engaging but have a bigger long term reward. We figured that since it was already becoming an issue the time to start teaching this was now. We also felt that with his own device we could better control the programs installed on it and when he can play it. It turned out to be a great purchase! We worked hard to teach my son to play only for limited times and to have balance in the activities he pursues - some playing outside, some time on the iPod touch, some time with legos. We were also able to install some great educational programs. The final kicker was when age 3 and a half he started to learn how to spell and type, so he could search for "lego", "cars" and "aeroplanes" on youtube! All up buying him a device of his own (and putting in some rules and parenting time around it) was a great decision.

alfiejohn_ 13y ago
His birthday was last week, and we considered it but put it off because of the temper tantrums. The reason why we're still undecided is like you say there are definitely some positives there. Word recognition at 3.5 is great! What we tried last night was to explain the sequence. Physical playing, dinner, then the phone. We also put a timer on which went off when he had to pack away the phone. It's funny, 5 minutes before the alarm went off he announced that he was finished and to pack it away. Hopefully it wasn't a once off but we're going to be persistent.