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In the UK (or at least among people I know, both personally and in work circles), asking if you can hug someone would be just about the most awkward thing you c

by corin_ 13y ago

In the UK (or at least among people I know, both personally and in work circles), asking if you can hug someone would be just about the most awkward thing you can do. I don't really have any advice on a better answer, for me it just... feels natural. For both work and personal, both men and women, there are some who I'd hug, some a kiss on the cheek (women only for this one - except a few people in France/Belgium I work with), others whose hand I'd shake every time I see them and others who I'd just greet verbally. Same with female. Never stopped to think about it, or discussed it, just happens.

peterwwillis 13y ago
It may feel awkward at first, but asking is a form of showing respect. The worst that can happen is they say no. Maybe the best reason to do this is to practice consent culture in our everyday lives. As it relates to HN readership, consent culture would go a long way in improving the work [and convention] environment for women in technology. I wish more awkward nerds would read up on this. http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/01/consent-culture.html http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/01/consent-culture.html (this blog might be NSFW)
- corin_ 13y ago
  I think our circles may have different social norms. Being asked wouldn't feel like respect, it would feel even more awkward than asking someone else. And the idea that this needs a shift towards "consent culture" is just... weird. Maybe some people can't read, or don't feel comfortable trying to read, the signs as to what will work socially, and if they want to set rules that's fine. I don't have any problem with someone who will only shake hands, or who won't have any physical contact at all - hell, if they want to follow your rule of always asking, I'd feel awkward, but if that's what you prefer then whatever, I'm fine with that. But don't assume everyone needs to follow your rule. For the record I've never asked anyone if they want to have sex, that hasn't lead to me raping anyone.
  - peterwwillis 13y ago
    I acknowledge that you would not like to be asked for a hug. Different people like to be treated differently. But my rule accounts for one thing: there is more potential for harm by not asking. Better safe than sorry, as it were. You are welcome to ignore my suggestion :-) (Also, the article doesn't suggest you ask everyone before you have sex with them; it's more about being mindful of "is this person really into it, or could I be pressuring them?" If you believe it is impossible for this to happen, think again, as all perception is skewed by personal bias)
    - corin_ 13y ago
      Re: your parentheses. I didn't read the article, but your point of "ask everyone if they want a hug", if it's important enough for that, surely you should definitely ask everyone when it comes to sex! The "ask yourself if they are OK with it" approach is exactly what most people do with handshakes/hugs/etc.

by corin_ 13y ago

peterwwillis 13y ago

It may feel awkward at first, but asking is a form of showing respect. The worst that can happen is they say no. Maybe the best reason to do this is to practice consent culture in our everyday lives. As it relates to HN readership, consent culture would go a long way in improving the work [and convention] environment for women in technology. I wish more awkward nerds would read up on this. http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/01/consent-culture.html http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/01/consent-culture.html (this blog might be NSFW)

corin_ 13y ago
I think our circles may have different social norms. Being asked wouldn't feel like respect, it would feel even more awkward than asking someone else. And the idea that this needs a shift towards "consent culture" is just... weird. Maybe some people can't read, or don't feel comfortable trying to read, the signs as to what will work socially, and if they want to set rules that's fine. I don't have any problem with someone who will only shake hands, or who won't have any physical contact at all - hell, if they want to follow your rule of always asking, I'd feel awkward, but if that's what you prefer then whatever, I'm fine with that. But don't assume everyone needs to follow your rule. For the record I've never asked anyone if they want to have sex, that hasn't lead to me raping anyone.
- peterwwillis 13y ago
  I acknowledge that you would not like to be asked for a hug. Different people like to be treated differently. But my rule accounts for one thing: there is more potential for harm by not asking. Better safe than sorry, as it were. You are welcome to ignore my suggestion :-) (Also, the article doesn't suggest you ask everyone before you have sex with them; it's more about being mindful of "is this person really into it, or could I be pressuring them?" If you believe it is impossible for this to happen, think again, as all perception is skewed by personal bias)
  - corin_ 13y ago
    Re: your parentheses. I didn't read the article, but your point of "ask everyone if they want a hug", if it's important enough for that, surely you should definitely ask everyone when it comes to sex! The "ask yourself if they are OK with it" approach is exactly what most people do with handshakes/hugs/etc.