5 ms·

I'm more concerned about the strength of handshakes. I have a bias against anyone who actively squeezes my hand with anything beyond a simple, firm grasp. It co

I'm more concerned about the strength of handshakes. I have a bias against anyone who actively squeezes my hand with anything beyond a simple, firm grasp. It comes across as macho, like you've got something to prove, and therefore untrustworthy. I'd like to point out here that I'm admitting a bias rather than expressing an opinion. EDIT: at least now I'm approaching something resembling adulthood I don't have the problem of trying to negotiate on the fly which of the various intricate hiphop style handshakes we're executing. Those were the days...

robotmay 13y ago
I actually don't know how hard I'm shaking hands. I never go in strong, and I've never felt like a big guy, but I always find it really difficult to tell if I'm applying more strength than I think I am. Any time someone tries to crush my hand I instantly feel apprehensive of them, as you describe. But perhaps some of them don't actually realise how hard they're squeezing.
- hannesfostie 13y ago
  I know exactly what you mean. I bet you also feel awkward when you do try to apply enough strength, but the other person has a stronger than average handshake, which makes you wonder if your two hands would implode if you apply the same or more strength as the other person does.
  - robotmay 13y ago
    Hah, that's exactly it. Whenever anyone applies more pressure than needed I normally just try to tense my hand, i.e. immovable object meeting the unstoppable force. I think that might prompt them to squeeze harder, though.
melvinmt 13y ago
Weird, I have the complete opposite: I have a slight feeling of distrust when somebody gives me a weak hand.
- looki 13y ago
  I know this guy who won't even attempt to participate in the procedure. He just gives you his hand. It's like he just inserts his flat hand into yours and removes it once you let go. No shake either.
- bcgraham 13y ago
  Ditto. And I squeeze the hell out of their hand to relate reliability and engagement. If I shake someone's hand and they give me a weak handshake, I see it as, above all, not being engaged. I feel like it leaves emotional distance.
- CognitiveLens 13y ago
  I've always wondered what happens when two people meet who literally don't flex any muscle in their hand while shaking... must be some kind of strange hand mashing. I grip with what I hope is a sincere level of firmness - as in, "I'm really pleased to be shaking your hand, thank you" - and I'm flummoxed when it feels as though the other person has simply dangled their appendage for me to interact with.
  - jedberg 13y ago
    > and I'm flummoxed when it feels as though the other person has simply dangled their appendage for me to interact with. This was a wonderful turn of phrase. It should be in some sales manual or something.
    - mst 13y ago
      That or a list of unintentional double entendres.
- jrmoreau 13y ago
  Same here, mushy handshakes make me feel uneasy. I never, ever initiate hugs at work either. If someone else wants to, I'll go in, but I just don't.
- DanBC 13y ago
tenfingers 13y ago
I wouldn't consider strength of the grasp of any importance. In some places a good grasp is more of an indication of attentive communication (as in "I'm listening/ready") than "macho-ism" of any form. I've rarely seen strong grasps as an indicator of "macho" except in early adulthood/teens, where it's mostly a form of play. On the contrary, a very flimsy grasp gives you exactly the opposite: the handshake becomes an afterthought.
cjg 13y ago
I try to adjust the strength of my handshake, depending on a few factors, but mostly related to how hard the other persons will shake my hand. I'm not trying to match the strength of their shake, just adjust my own. The objective is to make the other person feel more comfortable. I start with a strength based on some stereotypes (for example, slim women generally have weaker handshakes than big men), but adjust the strength during the shake if I feel my initial strength wasn't right. Whether this makes the other person actually feel more comfortable is difficult to know, but it makes me feel happy that I've tried. However, it does mean that I feel a bit sorry for people who have a crushing handshake - what do they think they are doing?
graeme 13y ago
Be careful with this. As another commenter pointed out, there are some of us who mistrust any handshake that's not firm. I generally try to match my handshake to the person I'm shaking, but I feel a shiver of disgust when given a limp hand. I feel the most trust towards someone with a firm, strong grip. The only handshake I dislike is the one that literally crushes your hand. But those are pretty rare, and distinct from a firm grip. I don't actually know which handshake style tends to be most popular.
JDGM 13y ago
I think I'm basically with you on this, though when I receive a particularly brutal handshake a certain scene from Hot Shots[1] involuntarily leaps to mind and I tend to chuckle rather than read too much into the psyche of the shaker. What is your opinion on the opposite? For me that's far more unsettling. I've initiated handshakes with people whose age and home country meant they didn't really have much experience of the Western "firm handshake", always the limp wrist. I don't know whether to shake it, or draw the hand to my lips as courting a princess. Which, I assume, was not one in your repertoire of "intricate hiphop style handshakes". Jokes aside, more than one family member had felt it important to instruct me in the art of a good handshake as a matter of gentlemanly conduct from a young age, even long after I'd obviously "got it", and I distinctly recall one of my friends suddenly in his mid-20s going from a pathetic one to a really decent powergrip apparently because his boss had told him after a promotion that he ought to work on his handshake. I say this in defense of the one who "actively squeezes", as it may not be macho-signaling so much as over-correction for their past dead fish. [1] http://youtu.be/HQmBJONo5_E?t=16m47s http://youtu.be/HQmBJONo5_E?t=16m47s
- JonnieCache 13y ago
  >What is your opinion on the opposite? I've only ever experienced this with peers who I know well, and I actually find there's a pleasant intimacy to it. It would definitely be weird if it happened in a formal context though.
  - JDGM 13y ago
    By "opposite"[1] I mean the muscle-relaxed version. How does such a thing even work as a hand "shake"? Btw I loved your original comment in both style and content, hence my riffing. One of those if-I-could-upvote-twice circumstances. [1] When someone says "opposite" draw a reasonable hyperplane and reflect.
mikestew 13y ago
at least now I'm approaching something resembling adulthood I don't have the problem of trying to negotiate on the fly which of the various intricate hiphop style handshakes we're executing. Don't be so sure. I'm in my 40s and run into this from time to time with informal settings, with full-grown adult males.
LargeWu 13y ago
One trick I've learned to avoid getting your hand crushed: instead of keeping your index finger connected to your middle finger, extend it along the other person's wrist. It gives your hand a stronger shape, and it's harder for the other person to grab your fingers.
enraged_camel 13y ago
Well, it's called a "handshake" for a reason. As opposed to "handmassage" or "handtouch." The terminology itself sets the expectation that you need to hold the other person's hand firmly, and shake it.
deleted 13y ago
[deleted]

robotmay 13y ago

I actually don't know how hard I'm shaking hands. I never go in strong, and I've never felt like a big guy, but I always find it really difficult to tell if I'm applying more strength than I think I am. Any time someone tries to crush my hand I instantly feel apprehensive of them, as you describe. But perhaps some of them don't actually realise how hard they're squeezing.

hannesfostie 13y ago
I know exactly what you mean. I bet you also feel awkward when you do try to apply enough strength, but the other person has a stronger than average handshake, which makes you wonder if your two hands would implode if you apply the same or more strength as the other person does.
- robotmay 13y ago
  Hah, that's exactly it. Whenever anyone applies more pressure than needed I normally just try to tense my hand, i.e. immovable object meeting the unstoppable force. I think that might prompt them to squeeze harder, though.

melvinmt 13y ago

Weird, I have the complete opposite: I have a slight feeling of distrust when somebody gives me a weak hand.

looki 13y ago
I know this guy who won't even attempt to participate in the procedure. He just gives you his hand. It's like he just inserts his flat hand into yours and removes it once you let go. No shake either.
bcgraham 13y ago
Ditto. And I squeeze the hell out of their hand to relate reliability and engagement. If I shake someone's hand and they give me a weak handshake, I see it as, above all, not being engaged. I feel like it leaves emotional distance.
CognitiveLens 13y ago
I've always wondered what happens when two people meet who literally don't flex any muscle in their hand while shaking... must be some kind of strange hand mashing. I grip with what I hope is a sincere level of firmness - as in, "I'm really pleased to be shaking your hand, thank you" - and I'm flummoxed when it feels as though the other person has simply dangled their appendage for me to interact with.
- jedberg 13y ago
  > and I'm flummoxed when it feels as though the other person has simply dangled their appendage for me to interact with. This was a wonderful turn of phrase. It should be in some sales manual or something.
  - mst 13y ago
    That or a list of unintentional double entendres.
jrmoreau 13y ago
Same here, mushy handshakes make me feel uneasy. I never, ever initiate hugs at work either. If someone else wants to, I'll go in, but I just don't.
DanBC 13y ago

tenfingers 13y ago

I wouldn't consider strength of the grasp of any importance. In some places a good grasp is more of an indication of attentive communication (as in "I'm listening/ready") than "macho-ism" of any form. I've rarely seen strong grasps as an indicator of "macho" except in early adulthood/teens, where it's mostly a form of play. On the contrary, a very flimsy grasp gives you exactly the opposite: the handshake becomes an afterthought.

cjg 13y ago

I try to adjust the strength of my handshake, depending on a few factors, but mostly related to how hard the other persons will shake my hand. I'm not trying to match the strength of their shake, just adjust my own. The objective is to make the other person feel more comfortable. I start with a strength based on some stereotypes (for example, slim women generally have weaker handshakes than big men), but adjust the strength during the shake if I feel my initial strength wasn't right. Whether this makes the other person actually feel more comfortable is difficult to know, but it makes me feel happy that I've tried. However, it does mean that I feel a bit sorry for people who have a crushing handshake - what do they think they are doing?

graeme 13y ago

Be careful with this. As another commenter pointed out, there are some of us who mistrust any handshake that's not firm. I generally try to match my handshake to the person I'm shaking, but I feel a shiver of disgust when given a limp hand. I feel the most trust towards someone with a firm, strong grip. The only handshake I dislike is the one that literally crushes your hand. But those are pretty rare, and distinct from a firm grip. I don't actually know which handshake style tends to be most popular.

JDGM 13y ago

I think I'm basically with you on this, though when I receive a particularly brutal handshake a certain scene from Hot Shots[1] involuntarily leaps to mind and I tend to chuckle rather than read too much into the psyche of the shaker. What is your opinion on the opposite? For me that's far more unsettling. I've initiated handshakes with people whose age and home country meant they didn't really have much experience of the Western "firm handshake", always the limp wrist. I don't know whether to shake it, or draw the hand to my lips as courting a princess. Which, I assume, was not one in your repertoire of "intricate hiphop style handshakes". Jokes aside, more than one family member had felt it important to instruct me in the art of a good handshake as a matter of gentlemanly conduct from a young age, even long after I'd obviously "got it", and I distinctly recall one of my friends suddenly in his mid-20s going from a pathetic one to a really decent powergrip apparently because his boss had told him after a promotion that he ought to work on his handshake. I say this in defense of the one who "actively squeezes", as it may not be macho-signaling so much as over-correction for their past dead fish. [1] http://youtu.be/HQmBJONo5_E?t=16m47s http://youtu.be/HQmBJONo5_E?t=16m47s

JonnieCache 13y ago
>What is your opinion on the opposite? I've only ever experienced this with peers who I know well, and I actually find there's a pleasant intimacy to it. It would definitely be weird if it happened in a formal context though.
- JDGM 13y ago
  By "opposite"[1] I mean the muscle-relaxed version. How does such a thing even work as a hand "shake"? Btw I loved your original comment in both style and content, hence my riffing. One of those if-I-could-upvote-twice circumstances. [1] When someone says "opposite" draw a reasonable hyperplane and reflect.

mikestew 13y ago

at least now I'm approaching something resembling adulthood I don't have the problem of trying to negotiate on the fly which of the various intricate hiphop style handshakes we're executing. Don't be so sure. I'm in my 40s and run into this from time to time with informal settings, with full-grown adult males.

LargeWu 13y ago

One trick I've learned to avoid getting your hand crushed: instead of keeping your index finger connected to your middle finger, extend it along the other person's wrist. It gives your hand a stronger shape, and it's harder for the other person to grab your fingers.

enraged_camel 13y ago

Well, it's called a "handshake" for a reason. As opposed to "handmassage" or "handtouch." The terminology itself sets the expectation that you need to hold the other person's hand firmly, and shake it.

deleted 13y ago

[deleted]