You described exactly how I feel a hell of a lot of the time. Depression is a drug. It causes a change in mental state, resulting in thought processes not cons

You described exactly how I feel a hell of a lot of the time. Depression is a drug. It causes a change in mental state, resulting in thought processes not consciously thought of during normalcy. Whenever I'm in this state, falling deeper down into a deep abyss of existential thought and blank, bleak unawareness, I feel... enlightened. Vehemently, I obsess over the meaning of things, waiting for an answer but never getting it. In a perverse way, I enjoy it. I think about death. I think about what regrets I would have if I ceased to exist. I explore my subconscious and bring it to the forefront of my thoughts. While this depressive state is a state of emotion, I feel like emotion fades away and allows me to focus on logic and the purity of feeling itself. I improvise a chord voicing or an accompaniment in a way I wouldn't have thought of before. I find my right hand playing a melody I never knew I had the capability of doing so. Pragmatic code flows from my fingertips without thought. I feel disconnected. Disengaged. I feel individual, which is perhaps why I enjoy it so much. As if being fourteen years old wasn't tough enough.