I always thought that uncontrollable emotions are weakness, so I was constantly putting a layer of rationale over my emotions from the very young age. Now I am

I always thought that uncontrollable emotions are weakness, so I was constantly putting a layer of rationale over my emotions from the very young age. Now I am not sure if I can't feel strong emotions any more, or nothing emotional ever happens to me. I am a little afraid of the first one because I was not very sad even after my grandfather died (closest of the family members I have lost so far).