4 ms·

While good-natured, this article is suspiciously generic and I question its applicability to what I would consider the "hacker" stereotype, unless what you are

by sho 18y ago

While good-natured, this article is suspiciously generic and I question its applicability to what I would consider the "hacker" stereotype, unless what you are wishing to "hack" are social barriers. Let me run through the list: 1. Smile This sounds like something very easy to get wrong. Some people smile a lot; some don't. Some people smile too much. One should not be afraid of smiling, but smile only according to how much is natural or merited. I would question any conscious attempt to modify or fake this outward emotional indicator. 2. Be easily impressed, entertained, and interested. How easily? I've made the mistake before of pretending to be interested in whatever random stream of crap is currently amusing $whoever. I am inevitably rewarded by being forwarded plenty of lolcats, dumb videos, or 3rd-hand "memes", and on and on. I usually have to end up blocking such people. Look, intelligent people are not easily amused. If you want to fool the receptionist into thinking you're "fun" then go right ahead and pretend she's interesting but you'll regret it. 3. Have a friendly, open, engaged demeanor. Again I am not sure if I am reading a friend-making manual or a salesperson's guide. I have never made a friend because they leant towards me, nodded, and said "uh-huh". What kind of ego-stroking nonsense is this? I'll stop there; this list is ridiculous. Who here has ever made a real friend based upon any of these principles, or even evaluated someone highly because of them? Hell, some of my best friends are complete pricks. But at least they're interesting. Play Mr Light-and-breezy all you want if you want to engage shallow people in profoundly boring and meaningless conversations. But if you hate all that crap, why invite it? At a previous job it seemed the whole company talked about Rugby all the time. Seriously, 50% or more of all conversations were about, or started from, Rugby. "Do you follow the rugby?" "I'm obsessed!" etc etc et fucking cetera. People would ask me if I'd seen the weekend game or followed a team or X, Y or Z and I'd just say "I'm not interested in Rugby". That shut them up good and quick. But you know what? I didn't care, because I am not interested in Rugby. The same principle could apply to this whole list. Who are you trying to fool? And why do you want people to like you, anyway? If you're smart, other smart people will recognise it, and you'll accrete friends. As long as you meet some people, and there is some worthwhile thing about you, you can hardly avoid striking up friendships. And they will be real friendships, based on merit and natural kinship. Interesting people seek out and find other interesting people. Forget all this "smile and look into each others' eyes" crap, just be interesting! Sure you might not win the adoration of the celebrity gossip brigade but trust me, you don't want to talk to them anyway. This article is titled wrong: it should be "How to be superficially likable". It's missing the accompanying articles of "Why would you want to be superficially likable" and "The cost-benefit analysis of making boring people think you are interested in them". You might well have some benefits in mind (those receptionists can be quite cute, after all) but it's hardly a foregone conclusion that "the more inane chitchat you make, the happier you are".

philh 18y ago
Why do I want to be superficially likable? Because I meet many people for only brief periods of time; not enough for them to learn how deep and interesting I may be. At the same time, I don't want them to think that I'm boring, or that I didn't like them. Maybe we'll meet again in future. Being superficially likable is social lubricant. I agree you can't forge deep friendships on the basis of anything other than mutual compatibility, and trying to fake that is doomed to failure. But casual friendships are open to hacking, and that's what the advice in this article is about. Casual friendships can also be the starting point for deeper ones, so messing them up is probably inadvisable.
dkarl 18y ago
The recommendations are misconceived, but they are useful if interpreted properly. All of those things happen naturally if you feel a certain way about the person and the situation. If I am not getting along with someone the way I want, I ask myself, "How am I acting with this person, and why? How do I feel about this person and situation that makes me act this way?" Whether the feeling is boredom, distaste, fear, or inferiority, once it is identified, the next question is whether the feeling is appropriate and whether my desire to get along with the person is appropriate and realistic. If my desires are inappropriate (such as when trying to get a phone number from a woman I dislike) or my feelings are inappropriate (such as when I feel anxious in a situation that isn't dangerous) then I concentrate on dealing with the inappropriate desires or feelings. If both the feeling and the desire are appropriate, then that's a different situation that requires acting. This is rarely strictly necessary when socializing, though it might be an optimization. In general, most social difficulties in social situations are best dealt with honestly. Your post seems to say that there's no point in trying to be friendly with people when it doesn't come naturally. I don't think that's always true. Everyone has some leftover knee-jerk reactions that aren't consistent with what they have learned rationally. I often find myself behaving rudely or distantly toward people I want to be friends with, because the way I learned in adolescence to intuitively categorize people as "potential friend" or "probable enemy" or "waste of time" don't work reliably now (in a different environment and a different time in life.) Paying attention to how "likable" my behavior is helps me realize when my adolescent gut has categorized someone as an enemy when my rational mind knows he is a smart and decent person.

by sho 18y ago

philh 18y ago

Why do I want to be superficially likable? Because I meet many people for only brief periods of time; not enough for them to learn how deep and interesting I may be. At the same time, I don't want them to think that I'm boring, or that I didn't like them. Maybe we'll meet again in future. Being superficially likable is social lubricant. I agree you can't forge deep friendships on the basis of anything other than mutual compatibility, and trying to fake that is doomed to failure. But casual friendships are open to hacking, and that's what the advice in this article is about. Casual friendships can also be the starting point for deeper ones, so messing them up is probably inadvisable.

dkarl 18y ago

The recommendations are misconceived, but they are useful if interpreted properly. All of those things happen naturally if you feel a certain way about the person and the situation. If I am not getting along with someone the way I want, I ask myself, "How am I acting with this person, and why? How do I feel about this person and situation that makes me act this way?" Whether the feeling is boredom, distaste, fear, or inferiority, once it is identified, the next question is whether the feeling is appropriate and whether my desire to get along with the person is appropriate and realistic. If my desires are inappropriate (such as when trying to get a phone number from a woman I dislike) or my feelings are inappropriate (such as when I feel anxious in a situation that isn't dangerous) then I concentrate on dealing with the inappropriate desires or feelings. If both the feeling and the desire are appropriate, then that's a different situation that requires acting. This is rarely strictly necessary when socializing, though it might be an optimization. In general, most social difficulties in social situations are best dealt with honestly. Your post seems to say that there's no point in trying to be friendly with people when it doesn't come naturally. I don't think that's always true. Everyone has some leftover knee-jerk reactions that aren't consistent with what they have learned rationally. I often find myself behaving rudely or distantly toward people I want to be friends with, because the way I learned in adolescence to intuitively categorize people as "potential friend" or "probable enemy" or "waste of time" don't work reliably now (in a different environment and a different time in life.) Paying attention to how "likable" my behavior is helps me realize when my adolescent gut has categorized someone as an enemy when my rational mind knows he is a smart and decent person.