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Things I Wish I Had Known Before We Got Married

18 points by jkuria 14y ago

jacques_chester 14y ago
The main problem -- finding it difficult to live with a person -- is largely ameliorated amongst couples for whom Scripture-with-a-capital-S and references to Christian biologists (why does their faith matter?) is not part of the ordinary discussion. Because they shack up before getting married.
- ars 14y ago
  What's the difference between "shacking up" and getting married? Other than a piece of paper. But I agree that getting married as young as possible is a good idea. (And I don't care if you call it marriage, or living together - it's effectively the same thing.) And Scripture recommends getting married young BTW, so your distinction doesn't exist. People who get married later in life have a hard time adjusting to having someone else in their life who needs to be their number one priority.
  - jacques_chester 14y ago
    > What's the difference between "shacking up" and getting married? Other than a piece of paper. There are legal and, for people who care, religious differences.
  - ahoyhere 14y ago
    Having both lived with people and married one, and being absolutely atheistic, and someone who previously thought "it's just a piece of paper"... it's not, and I was wrong. Being married is different. There's also some reasons to believe that cohabitating before marriage (to the same person) leads to higher rates of divorce: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downside-of-cohabiting-before-marriage.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downsid... What's different about it? I'm not 100% sure. But none of the guys I lived with (for years) caused me the kind of angst that my husband did at first, when I moved in with him and immediately got married a few weeks after. (Prior, we didn't really live together before marriage except for weeks/months at a time at the others' apartment, living in different countries.) I'd never had a terrible "adjustment period" before, but did this time… and believe me, on paper, previous boyfriends were way more annoying than my husband was, even in those first few months. We got through it, obviously. I'm grateful for him every day. I'd always been a committed and faithful girlfriend to the others but it just isn't the same as being married. Which surprised me as much as anyone. Intellectual types underrate the importance of ceremony. I now believe that's a mistake.
    - jacques_chester 14y ago
      > There's also some reasons to believe that cohabitating before marriage (to the same person) leads to higher rates of divorce The problem with seeing this as a causal relationship from cohabitation to divorce is that there's no control for religious belief. The same religious beliefs and social structures that deter pre-marriage cohabitation also create pressure not to divorce.
      - ahoyhere 14y ago
        And I quote: "...however, studies have shown that the effect is not entirely explained by individual characteristics like religion, education or politics. Research suggests that at least some of the risks may lie in cohabitation itself."
        jacques_chester 14y ago
        TIL.
pistacchioso 14y ago
If you put your feelings on a spreadsheet and make charts out of it, you're gonna be a bad husband.
- EliRivers 14y ago
  The vast majority of my experience suggests that analysing important factors significantly improves decision making and radically improves the odds of a far superior outcome. Do you have any evidence that thinking carefully about how you feel makes one a bad husband? I would have thought just the opposite.
- geon 14y ago
  Your emotional life will not be somehow better or mere genuine by just letting it roam free without any guidance. Introspection and self criticism is useful to self improvments. I don't see how doing it systematically would be harmful.
michaelwww 14y ago
How is a Christian biologist different from a biologist? Is "Christian biologist" code for something?
- deleted 14y ago
  [deleted]
- sac2171 14y ago
  There is a large false dichotomy between science and religion, that 'Christian' biologist does give a large degree of more information.
  - michaelwww 14y ago
    False dichotomy? Science is based on verifiable facts and religion is based on belief and faith. This is the place for a debate and I won't engage in one, but I couldn't let that one go. Adding 'Christian' in front of biologist doesn't extend the science in the least.

18 points by jkuria 14y ago

The main problem -- finding it difficult to live with a person -- is largely ameliorated amongst couples for whom Scripture-with-a-capital-S and references to Christian biologists (why does their faith matter?) is not part of the ordinary discussion. Because they shack up before getting married.

ars 14y ago
What's the difference between "shacking up" and getting married? Other than a piece of paper. But I agree that getting married as young as possible is a good idea. (And I don't care if you call it marriage, or living together - it's effectively the same thing.) And Scripture recommends getting married young BTW, so your distinction doesn't exist. People who get married later in life have a hard time adjusting to having someone else in their life who needs to be their number one priority.
- jacques_chester 14y ago
  > What's the difference between "shacking up" and getting married? Other than a piece of paper. There are legal and, for people who care, religious differences.
- ahoyhere 14y ago
  Having both lived with people and married one, and being absolutely atheistic, and someone who previously thought "it's just a piece of paper"... it's not, and I was wrong. Being married is different. There's also some reasons to believe that cohabitating before marriage (to the same person) leads to higher rates of divorce: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downside-of-cohabiting-before-marriage.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downsid... What's different about it? I'm not 100% sure. But none of the guys I lived with (for years) caused me the kind of angst that my husband did at first, when I moved in with him and immediately got married a few weeks after. (Prior, we didn't really live together before marriage except for weeks/months at a time at the others' apartment, living in different countries.) I'd never had a terrible "adjustment period" before, but did this time… and believe me, on paper, previous boyfriends were way more annoying than my husband was, even in those first few months. We got through it, obviously. I'm grateful for him every day. I'd always been a committed and faithful girlfriend to the others but it just isn't the same as being married. Which surprised me as much as anyone. Intellectual types underrate the importance of ceremony. I now believe that's a mistake.
  - jacques_chester 14y ago
    > There's also some reasons to believe that cohabitating before marriage (to the same person) leads to higher rates of divorce The problem with seeing this as a causal relationship from cohabitation to divorce is that there's no control for religious belief. The same religious beliefs and social structures that deter pre-marriage cohabitation also create pressure not to divorce.
    - ahoyhere 14y ago
      And I quote: "...however, studies have shown that the effect is not entirely explained by individual characteristics like religion, education or politics. Research suggests that at least some of the risks may lie in cohabitation itself."
      - jacques_chester 14y ago
        TIL.

pistacchioso 14y ago

If you put your feelings on a spreadsheet and make charts out of it, you're gonna be a bad husband.

EliRivers 14y ago
The vast majority of my experience suggests that analysing important factors significantly improves decision making and radically improves the odds of a far superior outcome. Do you have any evidence that thinking carefully about how you feel makes one a bad husband? I would have thought just the opposite.
geon 14y ago
Your emotional life will not be somehow better or mere genuine by just letting it roam free without any guidance. Introspection and self criticism is useful to self improvments. I don't see how doing it systematically would be harmful.

michaelwww 14y ago

How is a Christian biologist different from a biologist? Is "Christian biologist" code for something?

deleted 14y ago
[deleted]
sac2171 14y ago
There is a large false dichotomy between science and religion, that 'Christian' biologist does give a large degree of more information.
- michaelwww 14y ago
  False dichotomy? Science is based on verifiable facts and religion is based on belief and faith. This is the place for a debate and I won't engage in one, but I couldn't let that one go. Adding 'Christian' in front of biologist doesn't extend the science in the least.