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I am facing this situation right now. How do you deal with a manager like that? Do you confront them directly and tell them how you feel? Do you "report" them?

I am facing this situation right now. How do you deal with a manager like that? Do you confront them directly and tell them how you feel? Do you "report" them? Do you realize life is too short and likely they won't change and just quit? Any other suggestion?

bitL 14y ago
Quit. I don't believe any manager behaving like that is doing it without his/her full consent and awareness of the situation, and its effect on the lives of his team. Do you really want to make such person successful by sacrificing your health and happiness?
damncabbage 14y ago
In that situation I either try to switch teams (if possible), or move on and just provide feedback during the exit interview. If the manager's even a little bit politically-minded, you're gonna have a bad time if you try to fix the situation while he's still your boss. (Sorry, the cynical codger in me is talking.)
tgrass 14y ago
Apply for other jobs.
hkmurakami 14y ago
I have done all of the following at various points in the past: 1. Report to HR. 2. Switch teams (new manager). 3. Quit. IMHO (1) doesn't accomplish anything. Human nature is such that even the most empathetic, self-aware, fair people have a tough time changing their day to day habits and standards. The likelihood of a tyrannical manager somehow finding the light because some underling told them how they felt is infinitesimally unlikely. Switch teams or quit, imo. (switching teams is kind of like quitting anyways) And start looking asap, since job searches tend to take a while. Also, 4. Tell them how you feel. My former coworker did this. Did not accomplish anything. However, when another team member left for a very prominent company which at this point had developed a track record of recruiting from our company, he did get a decent raise. (this doesn't help the root cause of the frustration at all, but letting your boss know that you're unhappy does make him realize that you might quit at any moment) edit: I'm happy to be a sounding board in private if you think that'd help. Ping me on twitter and we can exchange contact details. (same ID as my HN ID)
- mtrimpe 14y ago
  These managers are essentially adult versions of bullies and you should deal with them accordingly. Within a company there are two options: 1) This is considered unacceptable behaviour but it has gone undetected so far. 2) This is considered acceptable or even desirable behaviour. In the first case, standing up for yourself and exposing the behaviour will be the right thing to do and you'll find that your company will back you up. In the second case, standing up for yourself will get you (and possibly anyone who supports you) fired. Either way standing up for yourself will be an educational experience, but statistically speaking if this is happening to you it's most likely because it's normal within the company.
- reinhardt 14y ago
  How about: 5. Do nothing and adopt a "it will be done when it's done" attitude bordering on passive aggressiveness, leave work at 5:01pm every day, etc. while preparing (mentally and/or practically) for switching team or company. At least that's my natural tendency.
  - praptak 14y ago
    This would make me unhappy and I believe it is also true for most people. This positions oneself as helpless and feeling helpless is feeling unhappy. If you choose aggressiveness then at least make it active (advice to be taken with a grain of salt :-) )
    - quanticle 14y ago
      Not necessarily. I did that for a while at a job I hated. It was the only thing that kept me sane. Lots of hackers (like me) hate confrontation. Even small amounts of interpersonal conflict cause intense discomfort. So, when under a toxic boss, I think adopting a clockwatcher attitude is an entirely valid strategy. I analogize it to the strict shift rotations employed by nuclear reactor workers, chemical plant workers, and others who have to deal with dangerous and toxic materials in their day-to-day jobs. You set hard limits on exposure and stick to them. The act of setting and sticking to those boundaries can give you a modicum of control over a situation where you feel like you have no control at all. It can make a huge difference. And, of course, as a side benefit, setting hard limits on the hours you work also allows you to have time to conduct a search for a less terrible job. :)
euphoria83 14y ago
Give him a fair share of your mind, wait. Then give his superior a fair share of your mind, wait. If things don't change, quit. PS: Don't threaten in any way though, that will make you sound like a loser.
nichols 14y ago
Next time he asks you to do something, drop trou and moon him. I guarantee that your relationship with the company will never be the same.
krmmalik 14y ago
Be a "yes man" while you bide your time and look for something else. People like that rarely change. By confronting them, you'll only force them to worsen their behaviour in defence at which point they might condemn or criticise you unfairly, leaving you with a lower opinion of yourself undeservedly. You also run the risk of having your reputation harmed. So for your own happiness, no matter how tempting, generally it's better to avoid confrontation with the ones that don't have the willingness or capacity to change.
- VexXtreme 14y ago
  I totally agree with this. I had to deal with a situation like this at one point in time, where my manager was dictatorial, unreasonable and extremely defensive and saw every suggestion as an attack on his authority and would immediately run upstairs to the upper management and write people up. When I saw that normal dialogue was not possible with this kind of person, I decided to start agreeing with him on everything and made sure he wouldn't perceive me as a threat anymore. It completely killed any chance for positive feedback on my part but it also protected me from his outbursts because I wasn't giving him a reason to see me as a threat to his authority anymore. Going to their bosses does nothing and more likely than not, you will be perceived as a moaner and troublemaker and may get yourself into even more trouble. They are holding those positions because the management TRUSTS THEM. They are also in charge of keeping their people in check.　Also, if the organization was any good, they wouldn't be putting people into these kinds of situations in the first place. Bide your time, look for work elsewhere (or wait until your project is over and get reassigned to a different team) and absolutely do not confront anybody unless you're prepared to walk right then and there if things go south (and they probably will). Shitty people/organizations don't change. Moving on is usually the correct course of action.
- mtrimpe 14y ago
  I guess it also depends on what kind of person you are. I experienced something like this recently and I did stand up for myself. It did cost several people I cared about their jobs, it didn't cause the company to change much and the personal cost was very high, but in the end I'm still glad we stood up for our principles.

bitL 14y ago

Quit. I don't believe any manager behaving like that is doing it without his/her full consent and awareness of the situation, and its effect on the lives of his team. Do you really want to make such person successful by sacrificing your health and happiness?

damncabbage 14y ago

In that situation I either try to switch teams (if possible), or move on and just provide feedback during the exit interview. If the manager's even a little bit politically-minded, you're gonna have a bad time if you try to fix the situation while he's still your boss. (Sorry, the cynical codger in me is talking.)

tgrass 14y ago

Apply for other jobs.

hkmurakami 14y ago

I have done all of the following at various points in the past: 1. Report to HR. 2. Switch teams (new manager). 3. Quit. IMHO (1) doesn't accomplish anything. Human nature is such that even the most empathetic, self-aware, fair people have a tough time changing their day to day habits and standards. The likelihood of a tyrannical manager somehow finding the light because some underling told them how they felt is infinitesimally unlikely. Switch teams or quit, imo. (switching teams is kind of like quitting anyways) And start looking asap, since job searches tend to take a while. Also, 4. Tell them how you feel. My former coworker did this. Did not accomplish anything. However, when another team member left for a very prominent company which at this point had developed a track record of recruiting from our company, he did get a decent raise. (this doesn't help the root cause of the frustration at all, but letting your boss know that you're unhappy does make him realize that you might quit at any moment) edit: I'm happy to be a sounding board in private if you think that'd help. Ping me on twitter and we can exchange contact details. (same ID as my HN ID)

mtrimpe 14y ago
These managers are essentially adult versions of bullies and you should deal with them accordingly. Within a company there are two options: 1) This is considered unacceptable behaviour but it has gone undetected so far. 2) This is considered acceptable or even desirable behaviour. In the first case, standing up for yourself and exposing the behaviour will be the right thing to do and you'll find that your company will back you up. In the second case, standing up for yourself will get you (and possibly anyone who supports you) fired. Either way standing up for yourself will be an educational experience, but statistically speaking if this is happening to you it's most likely because it's normal within the company.
reinhardt 14y ago
How about: 5. Do nothing and adopt a "it will be done when it's done" attitude bordering on passive aggressiveness, leave work at 5:01pm every day, etc. while preparing (mentally and/or practically) for switching team or company. At least that's my natural tendency.
- praptak 14y ago
  This would make me unhappy and I believe it is also true for most people. This positions oneself as helpless and feeling helpless is feeling unhappy. If you choose aggressiveness then at least make it active (advice to be taken with a grain of salt :-) )
  - quanticle 14y ago
    Not necessarily. I did that for a while at a job I hated. It was the only thing that kept me sane. Lots of hackers (like me) hate confrontation. Even small amounts of interpersonal conflict cause intense discomfort. So, when under a toxic boss, I think adopting a clockwatcher attitude is an entirely valid strategy. I analogize it to the strict shift rotations employed by nuclear reactor workers, chemical plant workers, and others who have to deal with dangerous and toxic materials in their day-to-day jobs. You set hard limits on exposure and stick to them. The act of setting and sticking to those boundaries can give you a modicum of control over a situation where you feel like you have no control at all. It can make a huge difference. And, of course, as a side benefit, setting hard limits on the hours you work also allows you to have time to conduct a search for a less terrible job. :)

euphoria83 14y ago

Give him a fair share of your mind, wait. Then give his superior a fair share of your mind, wait. If things don't change, quit. PS: Don't threaten in any way though, that will make you sound like a loser.

nichols 14y ago

Next time he asks you to do something, drop trou and moon him. I guarantee that your relationship with the company will never be the same.

krmmalik 14y ago

Be a "yes man" while you bide your time and look for something else. People like that rarely change. By confronting them, you'll only force them to worsen their behaviour in defence at which point they might condemn or criticise you unfairly, leaving you with a lower opinion of yourself undeservedly. You also run the risk of having your reputation harmed. So for your own happiness, no matter how tempting, generally it's better to avoid confrontation with the ones that don't have the willingness or capacity to change.

VexXtreme 14y ago
I totally agree with this. I had to deal with a situation like this at one point in time, where my manager was dictatorial, unreasonable and extremely defensive and saw every suggestion as an attack on his authority and would immediately run upstairs to the upper management and write people up. When I saw that normal dialogue was not possible with this kind of person, I decided to start agreeing with him on everything and made sure he wouldn't perceive me as a threat anymore. It completely killed any chance for positive feedback on my part but it also protected me from his outbursts because I wasn't giving him a reason to see me as a threat to his authority anymore. Going to their bosses does nothing and more likely than not, you will be perceived as a moaner and troublemaker and may get yourself into even more trouble. They are holding those positions because the management TRUSTS THEM. They are also in charge of keeping their people in check.　Also, if the organization was any good, they wouldn't be putting people into these kinds of situations in the first place. Bide your time, look for work elsewhere (or wait until your project is over and get reassigned to a different team) and absolutely do not confront anybody unless you're prepared to walk right then and there if things go south (and they probably will). Shitty people/organizations don't change. Moving on is usually the correct course of action.
mtrimpe 14y ago
I guess it also depends on what kind of person you are. I experienced something like this recently and I did stand up for myself. It did cost several people I cared about their jobs, it didn't cause the company to change much and the personal cost was very high, but in the end I'm still glad we stood up for our principles.