5 ms·

From the very moment they could communicate, I worked hard to teach my children common courtesy. It was the best gift I could give them. They didn't go to fancy

From the very moment they could communicate, I worked hard to teach my children common courtesy. It was the best gift I could give them. They didn't go to fancy schools, they never took "enrichment" classes, but they know how to be nice to people and make friends. I think it paid off, because they are all doing pretty well. Courtesy makes you likable and smooths human relationships in everything you do. It gives you a huge edge. I don't understand why people don't do it. Maybe they grew up in an environment where courtesy is taken as weakness. Or maybe they are so convinced of their own merit that they feel there is no need to be nice to the "little people." Either way, they are seriously handicapping their future happiness. Courtesy offers so much gain for so little effort. From smiling and holding the door open for someone at the supermarket to giving a considerate reply to someone who went to the trouble to come in for an interview, courtesy makes life better for everyone. The return smile and sincere thank you from the person at the supermarket brightens your whole day. The rejected candidate who received your thoughtful message might be the exact fit for a later job. Similar to the quote in the original article, I believe you can learn a lot about a person by how they treat the hired help, whether it be at work or in a restaurant or hotel. If someone has no power of retribution, even if you are a selfish jerk, and you still treat them kindly, it's a pretty good sign you aren't a selfish jerk. On the other hand, if you are considering a future spouse or employer, and they treat servers and underlings like trash, someday they will treat you like trash too. Courtesy is karma. You give to others, it always comes back to you.

hjay 14y ago
I grew up with a mother who heavily emphasized respect and courtesy. Thank you for doing the same with your children, it often feels like this world is very lacking nowadays.
Mz 14y ago
I wish I could agree with you whole-heartedly but I cannot. I place a high value on treating others with respect, helping without expecting anything in return, etc. For some things, yes, I see clear evidence of "good karma" coming back to me. For other things, I feel like my life is a case of "no good deed goes unpunished." I am pretty angry and bitter about it. I feel like I must be doing something wrong somewhere, like I am stupidly casting pearls before swine or something. I can't figure out why I keep getting used and walked on. I can't figure out how to get taken seriously and turn all this supposed good karma to financial benefit in a business way. I strongly suspect part of it is that I am female and a lot of people seem to see me as motherly and seem to think "motherly" means I should cut my own throat for their benefit. At this point, articles of this sort just kind of piss me off. If going around being nice and helpful really paid, I should be a rich woman by now. But somehow that just does not happen for me. I wonder if women need some opposite message, if this message benefits those who already know all about extracting value from others. I don't know the answer. I just know that reading stuff like this feels like salt in very raw wounds for me.
- toki5 14y ago
  Being successful and being nice shouldn't be the same effort -- they are two efforts, unrelated, that sometimes incidentally intertwine, hopefully for the better. You should be courteous and respectful of human beings -- if you feel that this very concept is somehow detracting from your life in a meaningful way, I suspect that you're misattributing your lack of success. But it's hard to speak on it without any real specific examples.
  - Mz 14y ago
    I probably can't give you specific examples that would make sense to you without seriously shooting myself in the foot. Suffice it to say that getting condescending pats on the head on hn is a personal frustration for me and that folks here who like to see themselves as helpful and often do help others have a track record of crapping on me personally. And it would be really stupid to name names and give links to actual examples. Edit: And I really feel pretty disrespected by the ugly assumptions you are obviously making about me. I am nice because I believe in it as an ethic, not merely a manipulative thing to do.
    - toki5 14y ago
      I grok frustration, anger -- nobody is perfect. Nobody is nice all the time. But reading something like this (from your blog): >Just when I was about ready to go on a real tear and swear off niceness forever, the guy in line ahead of me at lunch behaved like just enough of an overprivileged dick that my relatively better mannered behavior resulted in the girl loading up my plate. I had trouble finishing it. So I think I will continue to be polite to folks who handle my food. ... rubs me the wrong way. >I am nice because I believe in it as an ethic, not merely a manipulative thing to do.
      - Mz 14y ago
        My blog is intended as a safe place to express my personal frustrations with a very difficult life. It seems to be socially Verboten to speak of it anywhere else. I am not trying to make a good impression with it. I find it ironic and rather ugly that the whole point other people are making is that being courteous pays off in a business way but when I state I am not seeing that I get attacked as not being genuinely polite for the right reasons (i.e. I am failing to genuinely expect nothing in return when these articles and discussions of them focus on the business benefits of so called common courtesy). I suspect part of the problem is that I do genuinely expect nothing in return and that often seems to be exactly what I get.

hjay 14y ago

I grew up with a mother who heavily emphasized respect and courtesy. Thank you for doing the same with your children, it often feels like this world is very lacking nowadays.

Mz 14y ago

I wish I could agree with you whole-heartedly but I cannot. I place a high value on treating others with respect, helping without expecting anything in return, etc. For some things, yes, I see clear evidence of "good karma" coming back to me. For other things, I feel like my life is a case of "no good deed goes unpunished." I am pretty angry and bitter about it. I feel like I must be doing something wrong somewhere, like I am stupidly casting pearls before swine or something. I can't figure out why I keep getting used and walked on. I can't figure out how to get taken seriously and turn all this supposed good karma to financial benefit in a business way. I strongly suspect part of it is that I am female and a lot of people seem to see me as motherly and seem to think "motherly" means I should cut my own throat for their benefit. At this point, articles of this sort just kind of piss me off. If going around being nice and helpful really paid, I should be a rich woman by now. But somehow that just does not happen for me. I wonder if women need some opposite message, if this message benefits those who already know all about extracting value from others. I don't know the answer. I just know that reading stuff like this feels like salt in very raw wounds for me.

toki5 14y ago
Being successful and being nice shouldn't be the same effort -- they are two efforts, unrelated, that sometimes incidentally intertwine, hopefully for the better. You should be courteous and respectful of human beings -- if you feel that this very concept is somehow detracting from your life in a meaningful way, I suspect that you're misattributing your lack of success. But it's hard to speak on it without any real specific examples.
- Mz 14y ago
  I probably can't give you specific examples that would make sense to you without seriously shooting myself in the foot. Suffice it to say that getting condescending pats on the head on hn is a personal frustration for me and that folks here who like to see themselves as helpful and often do help others have a track record of crapping on me personally. And it would be really stupid to name names and give links to actual examples. Edit: And I really feel pretty disrespected by the ugly assumptions you are obviously making about me. I am nice because I believe in it as an ethic, not merely a manipulative thing to do.
  - toki5 14y ago
    I grok frustration, anger -- nobody is perfect. Nobody is nice all the time. But reading something like this (from your blog): >Just when I was about ready to go on a real tear and swear off niceness forever, the guy in line ahead of me at lunch behaved like just enough of an overprivileged dick that my relatively better mannered behavior resulted in the girl loading up my plate. I had trouble finishing it. So I think I will continue to be polite to folks who handle my food. ... rubs me the wrong way. >I am nice because I believe in it as an ethic, not merely a manipulative thing to do.
    - Mz 14y ago
      My blog is intended as a safe place to express my personal frustrations with a very difficult life. It seems to be socially Verboten to speak of it anywhere else. I am not trying to make a good impression with it. I find it ironic and rather ugly that the whole point other people are making is that being courteous pays off in a business way but when I state I am not seeing that I get attacked as not being genuinely polite for the right reasons (i.e. I am failing to genuinely expect nothing in return when these articles and discussions of them focus on the business benefits of so called common courtesy). I suspect part of the problem is that I do genuinely expect nothing in return and that often seems to be exactly what I get.