4 ms·

I'm honestly really surprised to hear that anybody thinks there is still stigma attached to online dating. I don't know what it's like for straight people, but

by seldo 14y ago

I'm honestly really surprised to hear that anybody thinks there is still stigma attached to online dating. I don't know what it's like for straight people, but online dating definitely has zero stigma for gay folks. I mean, compared to Grindr -- where all criteria for meeting somebody have been reduced to "I don't want to have to walk more than a couple of blocks" -- online dating like OKCupid is staid and respectable.

gcb0 14y ago
well, the stigma is that it outright tells me you don't have friends. i never had to go out alone to find a significant other. Sure a few days i had to stay home because none of my friends wanted to go out. but that's life. ... you will probably not meet, and be happy with, someone you meet in a dive bar, or online dating. it's just common sense, or you may call it stigma.
- Macsenour 14y ago
  "you will probably not meet, and be happy with, someone you meet in a dive bar, or online dating. it's just common sense" Huh? Since OkCupid, and many others, work and are very popular, how can it be common sense that you won't meet someone you'll be happy with? Can you explain that?
- rayiner 14y ago
  That's a very "Hollywood" way to think. If you're looking for a compatible someone, why not increase your chances by searching among a group of people who are also looking for a compatible someone, instead of hoping you randomly happen upon people while out with your friends.
  - derefr 14y ago
    For an actual, sound reason: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Market_for_Lemons https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Market_for_Lemons Just as with employers looking for employees, some of the people who are looking just haven't found the right fit yet. The rest are people nobody wants. The former churn (or dwindle if the market isn't being replenished), while the latter remain constant. The game-theoretic optimum in a market for lemons--whatever you might think of it--is to avoid "dating" to begin with, and instead just find someone desirable and seduce them away from whoever they're currently with. In employment, this is called "headhunting." :)
    - rayiner 14y ago
      I don't think that's a particularly apt analogy, for the simple reason that people break up for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with one or the other person being a "lemon." Relationships are based on idiosyncratic compatibility, unlike cars where "lemon" is a well-defined, universal concept. E.g. it's rare that one person's lemon will be another person's dream car, but that's often the case for relationships. A more apt economic analogy is that dating is a market where deals are hard to match up, transaction costs are high, and the repetition rate of testing compatibility to lead to a possible deal is low. Online dating reduces transaction costs, in the same way EBay does.
      - derefr 14y ago
        People break up with their cars for many idiosyncratic reasons as well. That just means there are good deals churning into the market; not that it's not a market for lemons. The requirement of a market for lemons is simply that it's very hard to discern the quality of a product, and that the people offering low-quality products are incentivized to hide the defects, so defective products "pile up" in the market, rather than being "flushed out" by some sort of spam-filtering process. Also, > a market where deals are hard to match up, transaction costs are high, and the repetition rate of testing compatibility to lead to a possible deal is low This describes the housing market perfectly. It's also a market for lemons, or rather, it would be--homeowners are incentivized to hide defects in their homes--but we have house inspectors to remove this property from the system. There are no date inspectors.
- anigbrowl 14y ago
  That doesn't make any sense whatsoever. You're arguing that the only valid way to meet people is as part of a group.
- swombat 14y ago
  > ... you will probably not meet, and be happy with, someone you meet in a dive bar, or online dating. it's just common sense, or you may call it stigma. One of my best friends got married with a girl he met online dating. Another one met his wife on an online forum we both frequented. I met my last girlfriend (3 years) and my fiancée (getting married this summer) in bars/clubs.
- aaronbrethorst 14y ago
  I picked my girlfriend[1] of four years up at a bar. After a few dates, she broke it off with a guy she'd been dating casually who she met through Match.com. [1] Ivy-educated, Ph.D.-holding, tenured professor girlfriend.
  - jonnybu 14y ago
    Do you not count that as her cheating on you?
    - gimeq 14y ago
      She became a girlfriend after she broke it off with the guy from Match.
    - aaronbrethorst 14y ago
      No, why would I? He and I both knew that she was going on dates with more than one person. There's no scandal. In fact, I'd be a bit worried about immediate overcommitment otherwise.
      - EvanKelly 14y ago
        I wouldn't worry about those comments (I'm sure you aren't). A lot of people don't seem to make a firm distinction between dating and relationships. The whole reason "becoming exclusive" is a thing/phrase, is because it's acceptable and expected to "date" multiple people.
  - hnriot 14y ago
    Ivy educated and a two timer. How will you feel when she dates the next guy and after a few dates dumps you? I don't see the need to brag about her education? Was that in some way relevant? It sounds like you might be feeling like you need to compensate for her to timing behavior.
    - aaronbrethorst 14y ago
      > Ivy educated and a two timer. Seriously? That's uncalled for. I hope you were just having a really shitty day, or something, and didn't actually mean to insult both me and my girlfriend. Obviously, what I wrote wasn't clear enough. Read the other responses.
- dasil003 14y ago
  You sound like you're 19. I'll take my downvotes just to point that out.
- pjscott 14y ago
  About 40% of single people in the US have tried online dating. I would be very surprised if a majority of those people didn't have friends.
- bmm6o 14y ago
  > well, the stigma is that it outright tells me you don't have friends. That doesn't even make sense. Want to try again?
henrikschroder 14y ago
Grindr fixed the problem in the article about requiring lengthy descriptions, and it fixed the keywords/attributes/searching problem, by reducing profiles to an image and a geolocation. When I worked with online dating over a decade ago, we figured out that matchmaking is essentially worthless, and what you need to do is to throw profiles at people until they see something they like and can start messaging each other. But what Grindr does, is it creates a virtual space of people around you, which makes it a lot more like real life bar dating, where you just have faces, and yet the straight version of it - I forgot what it's called - is not as respected as OKCupid, so there's still some way to go.
teuobk 14y ago
Not only does online dating have zero stigma for gay folks, it's one of the few viable routes for finding other gay people who don't appear flamboyant or effeminate. What I really wish existed was a way to find other nearby gay guys without the hookup overtones associated with Grindr.
transitionality 14y ago
Glory holes had zero stigma for gay folks. Gay folks aren't exactly picky when it comes to getting tail.

by seldo 14y ago

gcb0 14y ago

well, the stigma is that it outright tells me you don't have friends. i never had to go out alone to find a significant other. Sure a few days i had to stay home because none of my friends wanted to go out. but that's life. ... you will probably not meet, and be happy with, someone you meet in a dive bar, or online dating. it's just common sense, or you may call it stigma.

Macsenour 14y ago
"you will probably not meet, and be happy with, someone you meet in a dive bar, or online dating. it's just common sense" Huh? Since OkCupid, and many others, work and are very popular, how can it be common sense that you won't meet someone you'll be happy with? Can you explain that?
rayiner 14y ago
That's a very "Hollywood" way to think. If you're looking for a compatible someone, why not increase your chances by searching among a group of people who are also looking for a compatible someone, instead of hoping you randomly happen upon people while out with your friends.
- derefr 14y ago
  For an actual, sound reason: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Market_for_Lemons https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Market_for_Lemons Just as with employers looking for employees, some of the people who are looking just haven't found the right fit yet. The rest are people nobody wants. The former churn (or dwindle if the market isn't being replenished), while the latter remain constant. The game-theoretic optimum in a market for lemons--whatever you might think of it--is to avoid "dating" to begin with, and instead just find someone desirable and seduce them away from whoever they're currently with. In employment, this is called "headhunting." :)
  - rayiner 14y ago
    I don't think that's a particularly apt analogy, for the simple reason that people break up for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with one or the other person being a "lemon." Relationships are based on idiosyncratic compatibility, unlike cars where "lemon" is a well-defined, universal concept. E.g. it's rare that one person's lemon will be another person's dream car, but that's often the case for relationships. A more apt economic analogy is that dating is a market where deals are hard to match up, transaction costs are high, and the repetition rate of testing compatibility to lead to a possible deal is low. Online dating reduces transaction costs, in the same way EBay does.
    - derefr 14y ago
      People break up with their cars for many idiosyncratic reasons as well. That just means there are good deals churning into the market; not that it's not a market for lemons. The requirement of a market for lemons is simply that it's very hard to discern the quality of a product, and that the people offering low-quality products are incentivized to hide the defects, so defective products "pile up" in the market, rather than being "flushed out" by some sort of spam-filtering process. Also, > a market where deals are hard to match up, transaction costs are high, and the repetition rate of testing compatibility to lead to a possible deal is low This describes the housing market perfectly. It's also a market for lemons, or rather, it would be--homeowners are incentivized to hide defects in their homes--but we have house inspectors to remove this property from the system. There are no date inspectors.
anigbrowl 14y ago
That doesn't make any sense whatsoever. You're arguing that the only valid way to meet people is as part of a group.
swombat 14y ago
> ... you will probably not meet, and be happy with, someone you meet in a dive bar, or online dating. it's just common sense, or you may call it stigma. One of my best friends got married with a girl he met online dating. Another one met his wife on an online forum we both frequented. I met my last girlfriend (3 years) and my fiancée (getting married this summer) in bars/clubs.
aaronbrethorst 14y ago
I picked my girlfriend[1] of four years up at a bar. After a few dates, she broke it off with a guy she'd been dating casually who she met through Match.com. [1] Ivy-educated, Ph.D.-holding, tenured professor girlfriend.
- jonnybu 14y ago
  Do you not count that as her cheating on you?
  - gimeq 14y ago
    She became a girlfriend after she broke it off with the guy from Match.
  - aaronbrethorst 14y ago
    No, why would I? He and I both knew that she was going on dates with more than one person. There's no scandal. In fact, I'd be a bit worried about immediate overcommitment otherwise.
    - EvanKelly 14y ago
      I wouldn't worry about those comments (I'm sure you aren't). A lot of people don't seem to make a firm distinction between dating and relationships. The whole reason "becoming exclusive" is a thing/phrase, is because it's acceptable and expected to "date" multiple people.
- hnriot 14y ago
  Ivy educated and a two timer. How will you feel when she dates the next guy and after a few dates dumps you? I don't see the need to brag about her education? Was that in some way relevant? It sounds like you might be feeling like you need to compensate for her to timing behavior.
  - aaronbrethorst 14y ago
    > Ivy educated and a two timer. Seriously? That's uncalled for. I hope you were just having a really shitty day, or something, and didn't actually mean to insult both me and my girlfriend. Obviously, what I wrote wasn't clear enough. Read the other responses.
dasil003 14y ago
You sound like you're 19. I'll take my downvotes just to point that out.
pjscott 14y ago
About 40% of single people in the US have tried online dating. I would be very surprised if a majority of those people didn't have friends.
bmm6o 14y ago
> well, the stigma is that it outright tells me you don't have friends. That doesn't even make sense. Want to try again?

henrikschroder 14y ago

Grindr fixed the problem in the article about requiring lengthy descriptions, and it fixed the keywords/attributes/searching problem, by reducing profiles to an image and a geolocation. When I worked with online dating over a decade ago, we figured out that matchmaking is essentially worthless, and what you need to do is to throw profiles at people until they see something they like and can start messaging each other. But what Grindr does, is it creates a virtual space of people around you, which makes it a lot more like real life bar dating, where you just have faces, and yet the straight version of it - I forgot what it's called - is not as respected as OKCupid, so there's still some way to go.

teuobk 14y ago

Not only does online dating have zero stigma for gay folks, it's one of the few viable routes for finding other gay people who don't appear flamboyant or effeminate. What I really wish existed was a way to find other nearby gay guys without the hookup overtones associated with Grindr.

transitionality 14y ago

Glory holes had zero stigma for gay folks. Gay folks aren't exactly picky when it comes to getting tail.