3 ms·
I'm an English teacher, so I'll bite. That sentence is bursting at the seams. There are too many words between "Poor people have clutter" and "they have it to
by Pitarou 14y ago
I'm an English teacher, so I'll bite.
That sentence is bursting at the seams. There are too many words between "Poor people have clutter" and "they have it to reduce risk", so the reader loses track of the context.
Maybe a really good writer could make that sentence work. But the rest of us can do just as well by breaking it down into smaller chunks:
> Poor people aren't dumb. They understand the virtue of living simply. But they also know the regret of discarding something, only to find they could have used it. They know the fear of repeating that costly mistake.
(In a later edit you can discard the chunks you don't need, condense the rest and, with any luck, you'll have a much pithier sentence.)
- bobwaycott 14y agoYour suggestion has a nice staccato rhythm, somewhat building pith as it goes. I like the way it flows. I'd write something like: > As with carrying, so with owning in general. Poor people aren't too dumb to see the virtue of living with less; they own more to reduce risk. Keep it focused on ownership (not clutter), with a slight nod back to the original article to which the author is responding. From my vantage point, 'have clutter' unnecessarily problematizes communicating the core idea--poor people aren't too dumb to appreciate the value of living with fewer possessions. I suggest eschewing 'clutter' altogether, because it implies messiness in addition to more things, increasing the negative tone. This is the only place 'clutter' shows up in the text--a conspicuous word choice in the midst of an article discussing quantity of possessions as a signal of one's wealth (as opposed to the organization and tidiness of one's possessions). A poor person with cleaning compulsions might own more to mitigate risks, but have it neatly tucked away and unobservable, thus making the messy, rich person with fewer possessions look like the one with clutter. Note: Getting sidetracked by comments on sentence structure may be the signal that I've successfully procrastinated other work long enough.
- Pitarou 14y ago> Note: Getting sidetracked by comments on sentence structure may be the signal that I've successfully procrastinated other work long enough. Tell me about it. Anyway, how's this: > The rich have savings accounts and insurance; the poor stockpile junk.
- acchow 14y agoNicely done. I wonder how much longer this will hold true. Irrespective of my financial situation, for quite some time now I've found a rapidly decreasing need to consume stuff. It feels like the internet is all I need now... I moved almost a year ago and have yet to unpack. I actually don't even remember what I own anymore.
- bobwaycott 14y agoNice. Very pithy.