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I've been in a friends-with-benefits situation for the better part of a year. I wasn't the one who suggested it, and I was initially reluctant, but it's been pr

I've been in a friends-with-benefits situation for the better part of a year. I wasn't the one who suggested it, and I was initially reluctant, but it's been pretty awesome. This is very different from unattached casual sex, mind you. We're very good friends, we care about each other and so forth. But we've been able to keep this up long term with no romantic attachment at all. Technically we're both free to see other people, but since we're both busy and pretty satisfied with the arrangement that hasn't happened I guess. I agree with another commenter that a relationship would increase your productivity, but it's a little more subtle than that. When you start dating someone, initially it's going to be a huge time sink, but once you get over that hump and you're in a stable relationship it's probably going to leave you better off than being single. But you have to accept that a significant initial effort is needed into building the relationship and also accept the risk of breaking up and having to deal with getting over them, and so on. Nevertheless, I'd rather be in a committed relationship; but if work productivity is the only criterion, my current situation works great. So here's my "solution": find someone who's as busy with work as you are, and find a way to be in a low-key, long-term relationship. Long-term is important; trying to find someone to sleep with every once in a while is probably the most time-wasting strategy of all. (Never tried it.)

edb 18y ago
but since we're both busy and pretty satisfied with the arrangement that hasn't happened I guess. I hate to break it to you, but you're in a relationship. Try sleeping with someone else, you'll see what I mean. :)
- randomwalker 18y ago
  Well, that already happened. Kind of. Also, she's been on other dates, but didn't end up getting involved. We're both perfectly cool with it. Like I said, there is no emotional/romantic attachment. Why is this hard to believe? [edit] At any rate, the main point I was making was to keep the relationship low-key, if you don't want it to affect your work productivity.
  - shard 18y ago
    edb is skeptical (as am I) because people are good at deceiving themselves, e.g. I'm not racist/sexist, I can quit drinking/smoking/snorting anytime I want, all my relationships fail because the other person is a jerk/bitch/slut, my code contains no bugs. Until the test coverage is high, your confidence at how correct your code/assumptions are should be low.
    - michaelkeenan 18y ago
      Some skepticism is fair, but notice that - because non-monogamous relationships are somewhat socially unacceptable - we'll perceive them to be less common than they are, because people don't talk about them. So randomwalker's situation might be more common than you might think.

edb 18y ago

but since we're both busy and pretty satisfied with the arrangement that hasn't happened I guess. I hate to break it to you, but you're in a relationship. Try sleeping with someone else, you'll see what I mean. :)

randomwalker 18y ago
Well, that already happened. Kind of. Also, she's been on other dates, but didn't end up getting involved. We're both perfectly cool with it. Like I said, there is no emotional/romantic attachment. Why is this hard to believe? [edit] At any rate, the main point I was making was to keep the relationship low-key, if you don't want it to affect your work productivity.
- shard 18y ago
  edb is skeptical (as am I) because people are good at deceiving themselves, e.g. I'm not racist/sexist, I can quit drinking/smoking/snorting anytime I want, all my relationships fail because the other person is a jerk/bitch/slut, my code contains no bugs. Until the test coverage is high, your confidence at how correct your code/assumptions are should be low.
  - michaelkeenan 18y ago
    Some skepticism is fair, but notice that - because non-monogamous relationships are somewhat socially unacceptable - we'll perceive them to be less common than they are, because people don't talk about them. So randomwalker's situation might be more common than you might think.