4 ms·

I've suffered from MDD and tried to kill myself several times, the last attempt was very serious and I almost did die. Now, almost a decade later and I think I

I've suffered from MDD and tried to kill myself several times, the last attempt was very serious and I almost did die. Now, almost a decade later and I think I can say I have "beaten" depression. The cure? Time, therapy, loving intimate relationships and judicious use of psychedelics.

bpatrianakos 14y ago
I can't say you haven't beaten depression because I just don't know you but for me believing that I've beaten it is dangerous. It's the same kind of logic behind why addicts say they're recovering and not recovered. The disease is still there and can show itself at any time but for now it's in "remission" I suppose you could say. A lot of people feel like admitting they can't beat depression is a sign of weakness and that if you "beat" it or become "cured" of it that that's somehow a badge of honor. I don't feel that way. I think admitting you can't truly beat this and knowing your limits is the smartest and bravest thing a person can do. I know that if something were to happen and I fell into my old depression again I'd certainly feel even worse after having thought I'd beaten it. Even if I were to say I beat it today while I'm feeling good, that would be a lie. I haven't beaten it. It's still there. I feel it. It wants to consume me all the time but I don't allow it to right now. It hangs on to me every single day, even on days like today when I'm feeling good. The only difference between depressed me and "cured" me is how I deal with it. I'm sure this would be impossible to understand for someone who's never experience depression but even though I struggle with depression every day of my life, I'm not depressed. And that has everything to do with how I've learned to deal with it - I just kind of work around it and don't feed it. Like I said, I can't and I'm not saying you haven't beaten it. I just can't understand how anyone can really beat it at least not with my understanding of the word "beat" I suppose.
- ZenoArrow 14y ago
  "but for me believing that I've beaten it is dangerous". Is it really that dangerous? Does 'beating' it mean you forget how to cope? I don't know your situation, but I would strongly advise contemplating the truth that lies behind self-fulfilling prophecies. As Confucius put it “He who who says he can and he who says he can’t are both usually right”. I'm not trying to condense the issue into a soundbite, but rather illustrate that being open to the possibility that you can beat it might mean you can actually beat it. I truly wish you well.
  - davidtanner 14y ago
    I second this comment.
  - adeaver 14y ago
    Short answer: yes. Long answer, think of it like an addict. They always called themselves 'recovering' because they know it only takes a single slip to set you back. Same with Depression. You can be fine for years, become lax in your coping mechanisms and handlers and something small happens that sets off a chain reaction where you are reaching for things you wouldn't normally reach for. One innocent comments or look or phrase that slips past your carefully built safeguards is all it can take sometimes.
    - ZenoArrow 14y ago
      Thank you for your feedback adeaver. I do understand the addict analogy, but in both cases I'd say the solution was the same... perhaps the issue is ongoing because the root cause of the problem is still there? The triggers that set people off into addiction/depression are what separate those that are susceptible to those behaviours to those that are resilient to them. What are those triggers? What links them? What actions can be taken to reduce or remove their potency (taking the time to remember you always have choices to delay a reaction may help here)? These might be questions to explore with assistance from others. Of course it's fantastic to have greater control over the symptoms of addiction or depression, and I in no way wish to diminish that achievement, I've worked on breaking a few (admittedly mild) addictions before and so do have a little understanding of the processes that addicts go through. So I hope you appreciate that I see 'recovering' as a great achievement. Perhaps the 'beat' word sounds too absolute, too final... I personally would not say 'beating depression' means you have reached a perfect state of happiness, but rather that the triggers that held your recovery back no longer hold you back, so you are free to get better. Perfect is the enemy of the good, be happy that you are doing good. :-)
      - Evbn 14y ago
        Yes. I had high cholesterol. I made lifestyle changes. I have low cholesterol now. Did I beat it? Sort of. But I can very easily get high cholesterol again, if I let my guard down. Contrast that to, say, chicken pox, which I beat. And t almost certainly will not recur, even with no effort in my part-- even of I tried, I probably couldn't get chicken pox again.
drumdance 14y ago
I'm curious about the psychedelics, can you share more? What drugs? How often?
- deleted 14y ago
  [deleted]
- davidtanner 14y ago
  If you explore my previous comments and submissions you'll find some information about these matters. In summary, there are a great deal of published resources about psychedelics, but they tend to be inaccessible to those without a good deal of psychedelic experience coupled with a penchant for reading academic or esoteric literature. Thus, for largely sociological reasons, most 'typical' modern users of psychedelics are not at all schooled in academic knowledge about them. On the other hand, the vast majority of systematizing, intelligent, intellectual types do not have sufficient experience with these compounds to really understand or effectively critique the literature about them. So I'll mention a few quality sources that, if you study them, will almost assuredly arouse your curiosity: * The Psychedelic Explorer's Guide (published book) * The Antipodes of the Mind (published book) * The Journal of Psychoactive Drugs (not just about psychedelics) * Tryptamines I Have Known and Loved (published book, of particular edification and interest are the essays that precede the synthesis portion of the text) * The research done by the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) LSD has proven itself to be quiet beneficial in social situations many times in my life. For example, while 'up' on a moderate dose of high quality LSD, I watched a very attractive guy play guitar and sing at a house show. This led to me having an amazing fantasy experience days later where I finally started to deeply connect to my sexual desire for other men. This precipitated my decision to affirm my bisexual inclinations and pursue them, thus overthrowing years of internalized shame and confusion regarding this issue. DMT and other very potent tryptamines have also proven to be potentially valuable in my experience. For example, while under the influence of a powerful dose of an orally administered research chemical tryptamine, I literally was able to relive my previous suicide attempt and forgive myself for such self destructive violence in a very deep and healing way. Words literally can't describe the true magnitude of the experience and the positive after effects are still in my life and personality years later. Not very often but not infrequently either.
squidsoup 14y ago
> judicious use of psychedelics. I'm really please to hear that this worked for you. However, I would caution anyone suffering from depression to consider that this form of self medication could potentially make your symptoms worse. Entheogens/psychedelics have a tendency to amplify our inner state of mind, and if you're unprepared for this or in a bad place, this experience can have an extremely detrimental affect. I'm certain in that in the right context, with the right individuals, drugs like psilocybin and mescaline can be used therapeutically and can assist in making positive transformative changes. They need to be approached with a great deal of caution and respect however, and for most individuals conventional approaches may be safer.
- davidtanner 14y ago
  I agree that if you're currently suffering from MDD, psychedelic use is very likely contraindicated. I wasn't speaking of use while actually depressed.
ramblerman 14y ago
How do you fail to kill yourself, multiple times? I know that sounds unbelievably crude, but I'm really curious. My brother recently tried and I wonder (hope) that perhaps sometimes these attempts are more a call for help, rather than a genuine attempt.

bpatrianakos 14y ago

I can't say you haven't beaten depression because I just don't know you but for me believing that I've beaten it is dangerous. It's the same kind of logic behind why addicts say they're recovering and not recovered. The disease is still there and can show itself at any time but for now it's in "remission" I suppose you could say. A lot of people feel like admitting they can't beat depression is a sign of weakness and that if you "beat" it or become "cured" of it that that's somehow a badge of honor. I don't feel that way. I think admitting you can't truly beat this and knowing your limits is the smartest and bravest thing a person can do. I know that if something were to happen and I fell into my old depression again I'd certainly feel even worse after having thought I'd beaten it. Even if I were to say I beat it today while I'm feeling good, that would be a lie. I haven't beaten it. It's still there. I feel it. It wants to consume me all the time but I don't allow it to right now. It hangs on to me every single day, even on days like today when I'm feeling good. The only difference between depressed me and "cured" me is how I deal with it. I'm sure this would be impossible to understand for someone who's never experience depression but even though I struggle with depression every day of my life, I'm not depressed. And that has everything to do with how I've learned to deal with it - I just kind of work around it and don't feed it. Like I said, I can't and I'm not saying you haven't beaten it. I just can't understand how anyone can really beat it at least not with my understanding of the word "beat" I suppose.

ZenoArrow 14y ago
"but for me believing that I've beaten it is dangerous". Is it really that dangerous? Does 'beating' it mean you forget how to cope? I don't know your situation, but I would strongly advise contemplating the truth that lies behind self-fulfilling prophecies. As Confucius put it “He who who says he can and he who says he can’t are both usually right”. I'm not trying to condense the issue into a soundbite, but rather illustrate that being open to the possibility that you can beat it might mean you can actually beat it. I truly wish you well.
- davidtanner 14y ago
  I second this comment.
- adeaver 14y ago
  Short answer: yes. Long answer, think of it like an addict. They always called themselves 'recovering' because they know it only takes a single slip to set you back. Same with Depression. You can be fine for years, become lax in your coping mechanisms and handlers and something small happens that sets off a chain reaction where you are reaching for things you wouldn't normally reach for. One innocent comments or look or phrase that slips past your carefully built safeguards is all it can take sometimes.
  - ZenoArrow 14y ago
    Thank you for your feedback adeaver. I do understand the addict analogy, but in both cases I'd say the solution was the same... perhaps the issue is ongoing because the root cause of the problem is still there? The triggers that set people off into addiction/depression are what separate those that are susceptible to those behaviours to those that are resilient to them. What are those triggers? What links them? What actions can be taken to reduce or remove their potency (taking the time to remember you always have choices to delay a reaction may help here)? These might be questions to explore with assistance from others. Of course it's fantastic to have greater control over the symptoms of addiction or depression, and I in no way wish to diminish that achievement, I've worked on breaking a few (admittedly mild) addictions before and so do have a little understanding of the processes that addicts go through. So I hope you appreciate that I see 'recovering' as a great achievement. Perhaps the 'beat' word sounds too absolute, too final... I personally would not say 'beating depression' means you have reached a perfect state of happiness, but rather that the triggers that held your recovery back no longer hold you back, so you are free to get better. Perfect is the enemy of the good, be happy that you are doing good. :-)
    - Evbn 14y ago
      Yes. I had high cholesterol. I made lifestyle changes. I have low cholesterol now. Did I beat it? Sort of. But I can very easily get high cholesterol again, if I let my guard down. Contrast that to, say, chicken pox, which I beat. And t almost certainly will not recur, even with no effort in my part-- even of I tried, I probably couldn't get chicken pox again.

drumdance 14y ago

I'm curious about the psychedelics, can you share more? What drugs? How often?

deleted 14y ago
[deleted]
davidtanner 14y ago
If you explore my previous comments and submissions you'll find some information about these matters. In summary, there are a great deal of published resources about psychedelics, but they tend to be inaccessible to those without a good deal of psychedelic experience coupled with a penchant for reading academic or esoteric literature. Thus, for largely sociological reasons, most 'typical' modern users of psychedelics are not at all schooled in academic knowledge about them. On the other hand, the vast majority of systematizing, intelligent, intellectual types do not have sufficient experience with these compounds to really understand or effectively critique the literature about them. So I'll mention a few quality sources that, if you study them, will almost assuredly arouse your curiosity: * The Psychedelic Explorer's Guide (published book) * The Antipodes of the Mind (published book) * The Journal of Psychoactive Drugs (not just about psychedelics) * Tryptamines I Have Known and Loved (published book, of particular edification and interest are the essays that precede the synthesis portion of the text) * The research done by the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) LSD has proven itself to be quiet beneficial in social situations many times in my life. For example, while 'up' on a moderate dose of high quality LSD, I watched a very attractive guy play guitar and sing at a house show. This led to me having an amazing fantasy experience days later where I finally started to deeply connect to my sexual desire for other men. This precipitated my decision to affirm my bisexual inclinations and pursue them, thus overthrowing years of internalized shame and confusion regarding this issue. DMT and other very potent tryptamines have also proven to be potentially valuable in my experience. For example, while under the influence of a powerful dose of an orally administered research chemical tryptamine, I literally was able to relive my previous suicide attempt and forgive myself for such self destructive violence in a very deep and healing way. Words literally can't describe the true magnitude of the experience and the positive after effects are still in my life and personality years later. Not very often but not infrequently either.

squidsoup 14y ago

> judicious use of psychedelics. I'm really please to hear that this worked for you. However, I would caution anyone suffering from depression to consider that this form of self medication could potentially make your symptoms worse. Entheogens/psychedelics have a tendency to amplify our inner state of mind, and if you're unprepared for this or in a bad place, this experience can have an extremely detrimental affect. I'm certain in that in the right context, with the right individuals, drugs like psilocybin and mescaline can be used therapeutically and can assist in making positive transformative changes. They need to be approached with a great deal of caution and respect however, and for most individuals conventional approaches may be safer.

davidtanner 14y ago
I agree that if you're currently suffering from MDD, psychedelic use is very likely contraindicated. I wasn't speaking of use while actually depressed.

ramblerman 14y ago

How do you fail to kill yourself, multiple times? I know that sounds unbelievably crude, but I'm really curious. My brother recently tried and I wonder (hope) that perhaps sometimes these attempts are more a call for help, rather than a genuine attempt.