You're using very emotionally loaded words and have made repeated decisions in the short term that have led to very negative results. This is the time to get he

You're using very emotionally loaded words and have made repeated decisions in the short term that have led to very negative results. This is the time to get help from an external party that can maintain sufficient objectivity, privacy and perspective to help you steer a clear course until the extraneous factors that are distorting your option-evaluation-algorithm subside. To that end, I suggest food, sun, sex, sleep and whatever else you deny yourself when it's crunch time. If you are good enough, the opportunity is coming and this is waiting for the cusp to ensure right action. If not, then it is time to make peace with mediocrity.