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Thank you for writing openly about these issues, Bubs. You really hit the nail on the head about not being able to have honest conversations with people, especi

Thank you for writing openly about these issues, Bubs. You really hit the nail on the head about not being able to have honest conversations with people, especially in SF. Since I moved here, I have met hundreds of people and interact closely with dozens... but I only count one person as a true friend in whom I can confide my personal struggles. Having to maintain a never-ending facade of success and happiness really is draining. Sometimes I wonder for what gain am I paying this price?

coffeemug 14y ago
Having to maintain a never-ending facade of success and happiness really is draining. Learning to be able to confidently say "I'm very concerned our company might die if we don't do X by Y because of Z" was one of the hardest and the most rewarding things I learned how to do. I found that skillfully expressing my real feelings leads to much better results than not expressing them at all. If you pay careful attention to how politicians speak, they often utter phrases like "I'm very concerned about..." It sounds odd at first, almost fake, but when done genuinely it can be a source of great strength. You don't need to fake things in a time of crisis. You can share your darkest fears with people while maintaining a confident demeanor, and it does wonders for how people perceive you. Of course this is harder to do than to say. I'm still learning, but a while ago I resolved not to hide my feelings from people anymore.
- PebblesRox 14y ago
  I've had a mentor point out the difference between processing the hard stuff that's going on and sharing it. She was saying that it's important to have peers that you can process things with, and once you start to have it figured out, you'll be able to share it more broadly with people you're leading and so on. You'll still be honest with them, but you're not falling apart or dropping this big thing on them that they can't handle. And I suppose you can process things on your own, but it's much better to have people you can trust to help you with that.
mindcrime 14y ago
but I only count one person as a true friend in whom I can confide my personal struggles. For me, I wouldn't even share my struggles with my best friend. It's hard to explain exactly why that is, but I don't think I could do it. Some things it would be easier to tell a random stranger at a bar... maybe because they don't have any expectations of you, and you don't have to worry about a feeling of letting them down, or disappointing them or whatever. Having to maintain a never-ending facade of success and happiness really is draining. No doubt.
- DenisM 14y ago
  Psychological breakdown lies down that road. You can only kick the can down the road, but you can't make it go away by ignoring it. Your choices are 1) talk things through with someone now 2) struggle for a while and talk to someone later 3) burn out. The first two choices are the same, except that in one of them you get to struggle before arriving at the same end.
  - mindcrime 14y ago
    Good point. :-)
  - DivisibleByZero 14y ago
    Wholeheartedly agree. Showing weakness to someone who you respect and someone who respects you is incredibly difficult, but incredibly rewarding.

coffeemug 14y ago

Having to maintain a never-ending facade of success and happiness really is draining. Learning to be able to confidently say "I'm very concerned our company might die if we don't do X by Y because of Z" was one of the hardest and the most rewarding things I learned how to do. I found that skillfully expressing my real feelings leads to much better results than not expressing them at all. If you pay careful attention to how politicians speak, they often utter phrases like "I'm very concerned about..." It sounds odd at first, almost fake, but when done genuinely it can be a source of great strength. You don't need to fake things in a time of crisis. You can share your darkest fears with people while maintaining a confident demeanor, and it does wonders for how people perceive you. Of course this is harder to do than to say. I'm still learning, but a while ago I resolved not to hide my feelings from people anymore.

PebblesRox 14y ago
I've had a mentor point out the difference between processing the hard stuff that's going on and sharing it. She was saying that it's important to have peers that you can process things with, and once you start to have it figured out, you'll be able to share it more broadly with people you're leading and so on. You'll still be honest with them, but you're not falling apart or dropping this big thing on them that they can't handle. And I suppose you can process things on your own, but it's much better to have people you can trust to help you with that.

mindcrime 14y ago

but I only count one person as a true friend in whom I can confide my personal struggles. For me, I wouldn't even share my struggles with my best friend. It's hard to explain exactly why that is, but I don't think I could do it. Some things it would be easier to tell a random stranger at a bar... maybe because they don't have any expectations of you, and you don't have to worry about a feeling of letting them down, or disappointing them or whatever. Having to maintain a never-ending facade of success and happiness really is draining. No doubt.

DenisM 14y ago
Psychological breakdown lies down that road. You can only kick the can down the road, but you can't make it go away by ignoring it. Your choices are 1) talk things through with someone now 2) struggle for a while and talk to someone later 3) burn out. The first two choices are the same, except that in one of them you get to struggle before arriving at the same end.
- mindcrime 14y ago
  Good point. :-)
- DivisibleByZero 14y ago
  Wholeheartedly agree. Showing weakness to someone who you respect and someone who respects you is incredibly difficult, but incredibly rewarding.