Having experienced a couple major depressive episodes, I have no desire to ever go back, and I've built myself a sort of mental fortress to hopefully withstand

Having experienced a couple major depressive episodes, I have no desire to ever go back, and I've built myself a sort of mental fortress to hopefully withstand whatever shocks I'll experience as I keep on living. I'm fortunate in that in both of my cases, I was able to emerge and put the depression behind me. I can't imagine chronically feeling the way I did. Imagine being so emotionally hurt that it feels like physical pain, long after you were able to mentally process what initially upset you. Like a pain so chronic and awful that you're willing to do just about anything to make it stop. Imagine how frustrating it is to want to be over something and to think you are mentally past it, but the emotional side of your brain (i.e. most of it) just won't budge. And then on top of it, you feel guilty for being such a drag on people around you. And you also feel paranoid that even when you're not dumping on them, you're alienating them in some way. So you mostly just suffer in silence. It's terribly debilitating. A friend of mine who undoubtedly would be reading HN today if he were still around evidently felt this way pretty much his entire life. I don't think I would have been able to take it either.