7 ms·

What it's like having a kid

33 points by adam 14y ago

andymoe 14y ago
Just experienced this a month ago as the man as well. "Intense" is the only reasonable word I could possibly use to describe the experience. I can't even imagine going through it from the other side as a woman and, oh man, the things we leave out when educating people about giving birth. Fatherhood is pretty cool so far though!
- spydum 14y ago
  congrats, I can only get say it gets better for the next few years!
  - andymoe 14y ago
    Thank you!
orangethirty 14y ago
Congratulations. Nothing you have ever done will prepare you for what follows. Protip: Babies that have issues with sleeping sometimes benefit from loud background noises being played. This due to them being used to all of the noises being produced by their mother's internal organs. You can try putting a radio off a station (for the whitenoise) and raising it to 11. Or maybe a vacuum cleaner. With my child, the radio worked like a charm. Good luck. Being a father changes you.
- scoot 14y ago
  Why is it that nearly everyone who has children feels the need to impart birthing advice on expectant parents, and child-rearing advice to new parents? The only advice I give now is to ignore all the advice everyone else gives.
  - jessedhillon 14y ago
    So you're also giving advice to new parents then? :P
  - gnu8 14y ago
    Probably because they feel they've succeeded at something really difficult (which is true) and want to show off to the newbies. Coders will do the same thing, but it's not as grating in that context because coding is not something that everyone is capable of doing.
  - biesnecker 14y ago
    Because being a father is the only thing I've ever done that is pretty close to being mystical, and I'm proud of it?
    - btilly 14y ago
      You may think you're a great father, but I don't know you. You're a stranger to me. I don't have any reason to believe you're any better than the last 20 people who tried to offer me contradictory unsolicited advice on how I should raise my children. There is at this point no faster way to get in my bad books than to put your nose in my affairs and tell me how to raise my children when I didn't ask you to.
      - biesnecker 14y ago
        Maybe I misinterpreted your question. My answer was to a question more along the lines of "why do parents talk about parenting all the time?" If the person offering advice is being a dick about it (be it about parenting or anything else), then sure, it's inappropriate. But at the same time I remember when my first was born, I was pretty darn receptive to advice because _I had no idea what I was doing_. I'm less receptive now because half a decade in I think I have a decent handle on things, but I'm still not hostile about it -- I generally smile and nod and ignore (which, come to think of it, is what I do whenever anyone offers me advice I don't need).
  - MJR 14y ago
dariusmonsef 14y ago
I'm very happy you and your wife have a healthy baby addition to your family. Not to spark a home/hospital birth debate, but to simply provide a different experience... Mine: http://hellobubs.com/post/23494489962/homebirth-midwives-becoming-the-ultimate-dudela http://hellobubs.com/post/23494489962/homebirth-midwives-bec...
diego 14y ago
As someone who spent six years trying to conceive and failed, reading this post makes me feel really bad. I'd point out that it's not Hacker News, but I'd have to do that for 50% of the posts on the front page at any given time.
- orangethirty 14y ago
  I'm sorry that you have gone through this.
- yarou 14y ago
  Have you thought about fertility and genetic counseling? (apologies if you already have, I realize this is a very personal and sensitive subject). For what it's worth, my parents conceived twice before I was born, both miscarriages, yet I turned out alright.
  - diego 14y ago
    I've done everything you can think of and more. We actually conceived once, it was a miscarriage. Edit: if you really want to know, we fertilized a total of 19 embryos in 4 attempts over the years. Only two of those were deemed implantable by the PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis) and both failed to implant. Each time it was a two-week wait between implantation and learning about the failure, knowing that there was a 50/50 chance. Imagine flipping a coin that will be up in the air for two weeks. It cost you $20k, dozens of injections, tests, trips to the clinic, and general anguish to earn that coin toss.
    - johnnyn 14y ago
      Sorry to hear about all of your troubles Diego. Wishing you the best and hope it works out at some point. I've had quite a few friends go through the very same thing (fertility treatments, miscarriages) -- such difficult experiences.
- Tyrant505 14y ago
  Does trying and failing to conceive create a job-like mentality to sex life? I know it's personal.. but for an aside sex as a task happens to a lot of relationships, without these troubles. Sorry for your troubles.
brudgers 14y ago
What it's like to have a child is indescribably wonderful and it gets better from there. Congratulations.
codex 14y ago
The birth is the easy part.
kunai 14y ago
Well, that was graphic. Anyway. Good job on the kid. I'm 14, so I don't think I'm fit to give any sort of parenting advice or the like of it. Just enjoy the beauty of youth (and also try to endure much of the ugliness that tends to come with it).
tinok 14y ago
So let me get this: - baby's heart rate was of concern to your doctor - no progress for several hours - baby pooped - your wife had fever during labor - baby and mother now have an infection - c-section - big commotion, no communication with the wife And people still think epidural is a normal part of child birthing? On top of that - this couple will go on to tell other parents how lucky they were that they gave birth at the hospital! Yet this whole thing happened BECAUSE they thought child birth is a medical event. It's not. They inject chemicals into a mother about to give birth and then say - well, baby doesn't want to come out, must do c-section (read: doctor wants to go home, doesn't want to rub olive oil around the vagina, let's cut her up). I feel sorry for mothers who give birth at hospitals. Stories such as these make me so mad. People have no clue.
- yarou 14y ago
  Yes, laypeople have no clue...except those who have been trained for years, both theoretically and practically, in medicine. Child birthing is a natural event, but so is dying from cancer. Does that mean one should eschew chemotherapy and radiation treatment?
  - tinok 14y ago
    Hospitals are not where mothers are supposed to give birth. They are constantly rushed to get the baby out, doctors are terrible at patient management and very quick to suggest chemical interventions, are very happy to use suctions to get the baby out and go home early, etc. 100,000 people die every year in the US from infections contracted during hospital visits, completely unrelated to the original reason for the visit. Why would you want your infant child in that sick environment? As for cancer, ignoring the fact that you compare it to child birth, it's completely natural. We all have cancer cells in our bodies at various times. Weak, unhealthy bodies do not know how to fight it, hence the so-called cancer breaks out so to speak. And you're correct that there are many other treatments to consider before traditional methods, but I'll get downvoted for speaking, so why bother.
    - derleth 14y ago
GilbertErik 14y ago
The title of the post should be, "My experiences with the delivery of my baby." The whole 'having a kid' part is the next, oh... 10 to 15 years.
seriocomic 14y ago
Wow, so much to resonate with. I'm reading this to pass the time while my fiance is measuring her contractions. We're due today. We were lucky to have four 2-hour educational sessions that went through all the various scenarios and what the options (and consequences were) - hopefully everything goes smoothly. It's probably not the actual birth experience that resonated so much - it was the way the disconnected expectation and sense of intangibility about the lead-up to the birth that was well written. It is/was hard for me to explain to others why I wasn't overtly excited (I am, but in an internal way). Good to hear that others feel this way too.
pavel_lishin 14y ago
> it’s not a “natural birth” if you get an epidural I never really understood this. It wasn't natural for me to have surgery less than a month after I was born, either, but without it I'd be dead now.
- kaybe 14y ago
  > We had debated the decision of receiving an epidural a great deal because some believe it’s not a “natural birth” if you get an epidural and I’d put us at a midrange granola level with our lives in general, but we decided that for us, for her, it was the right thing to do. I'm also confused. Is this a decision that is made as a couple?
  - johnnyn 14y ago
    Of course. It is not necessary unless you want it for the pain. A doctor might suggest it but it is ultimately a decision made by the couple.
    - Luc 14y ago
      > [...] a decision made by the couple. Haha, I've never heard such a notion, that pain relief should be co-decided by the woman's partner. I certainly never presumed to have any input in that.
- btilly 14y ago
  A number of things happen with an epidural that are kind of a big deal. 1. The baby is affected by the epidural, which can result in several days of grogginess, increased difficulty in establishing breast feeding, etc. 2. There is a natural amnesia for the pain of childbirth. If you get an epidural that effect gets dropped. So there may be less pain, but the woman tends to remember it more clearly. 3. An epidural greatly limits the mother's range of possible positions and activities. For example squatting in a shower can be great for progress, but you can't do it if your legs don't work properly. 4. One intervention leads to another. An epidural slows the birthing process, and massively increases your likelihood of further interventions. In the linked article, the woman wound up with a C-section. The odds of that happening would have been considerably less if there had not been an epidural. (Even so, if there is no fetal distress, why the hurry to have a C-section if that had not been discussed? Before the childbirth they should have had a birthing plan, and the doula should have known the mother's wishes and defended them. That's what she's there for...) That said, natural childbirth is incredibly difficult and not always possible. If a woman wants and is capable of having a natural childbirth, my hat is off to her. But women shouldn't be pushed to do that if they don't want to.
krie 14y ago
Don't have kids. They will have far shittier lives, not to mention shorter, than yours, thanks to the end of cheap fossil fuels. They're also a hundred thousand dollar expense. Do not want! I suppose most of you are so prone to optimist thinking and nurturing your biological urges you won't heed my call. Ah well. Oh, and by the way, the current worldwide depression will never end. http://physics.ucsd.edu/do-the-math/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/peak-ff-oil.png http://physics.ucsd.edu/do-the-math/wp-content/uploads/2011/...
- gnosis 14y ago
  Having children is usually a selfish and/or conformist choice. Many people have kids because that's what's expected of them, and because that's what all their friends and family are doing. They also usually hope to be less lonely with kids, have their kids support or take care of them when they're older, be able to mold their kids to be like them or further their goals, and have a sort of existence after their deaths through their kids, or even fix up their marriage by having kids -- all selfish reasons to have kids. But the kids never asked to be born. As parents, you are essentially forcing life upon another being. According to Silenus, "the best thing for a man is not to be born, and if already born, to die as soon as possible."[1] This is not to mention the plague of overpopulation and all the resulting problems that unrestrained breeding has led to. [1] - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silenus https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silenus
  - quasque 14y ago
    "But the kids never asked to be born. As parents, you are essentially forcing life upon another being." This is illogical. They can't ask to be born because they are not born yet. In your argument, the arrow of time is pointing in the wrong direction. And the parents are not forcing life upon a being like some sort of genitals-based Dr Frankenstein rigmarole - they are creating the being.
    - gnosis 14y ago
      "They can't ask to be born because they are not born yet." That's the point. They don't have a choice in the matter. The choice is entirely the parents' (assuming it's not an accident or rape).
benth 14y ago
Congratulations, and thank you for sharing your experience.
johnnyn 14y ago
Awesome account of the birth and experience. Thanks for sharing and going into detail about such intimate moments. We had both of our kids at home via midwife, but the experience obviously has similarities to the hospital. Our second was breech and also did not make a sound at first. They warned us about that with breech babies but it was still very unsettling until she started crying -- as it was for you. The last paragraph is perfect, couldn't have said it better myself.

33 points by adam 14y ago

Just experienced this a month ago as the man as well. "Intense" is the only reasonable word I could possibly use to describe the experience. I can't even imagine going through it from the other side as a woman and, oh man, the things we leave out when educating people about giving birth. Fatherhood is pretty cool so far though!

spydum 14y ago
congrats, I can only get say it gets better for the next few years!
- andymoe 14y ago
  Thank you!

orangethirty 14y ago

Congratulations. Nothing you have ever done will prepare you for what follows. Protip: Babies that have issues with sleeping sometimes benefit from loud background noises being played. This due to them being used to all of the noises being produced by their mother's internal organs. You can try putting a radio off a station (for the whitenoise) and raising it to 11. Or maybe a vacuum cleaner. With my child, the radio worked like a charm. Good luck. Being a father changes you.

scoot 14y ago
Why is it that nearly everyone who has children feels the need to impart birthing advice on expectant parents, and child-rearing advice to new parents? The only advice I give now is to ignore all the advice everyone else gives.
- jessedhillon 14y ago
  So you're also giving advice to new parents then? :P
- gnu8 14y ago
  Probably because they feel they've succeeded at something really difficult (which is true) and want to show off to the newbies. Coders will do the same thing, but it's not as grating in that context because coding is not something that everyone is capable of doing.
- biesnecker 14y ago
  Because being a father is the only thing I've ever done that is pretty close to being mystical, and I'm proud of it?
  - btilly 14y ago
    You may think you're a great father, but I don't know you. You're a stranger to me. I don't have any reason to believe you're any better than the last 20 people who tried to offer me contradictory unsolicited advice on how I should raise my children. There is at this point no faster way to get in my bad books than to put your nose in my affairs and tell me how to raise my children when I didn't ask you to.
    - biesnecker 14y ago
      Maybe I misinterpreted your question. My answer was to a question more along the lines of "why do parents talk about parenting all the time?" If the person offering advice is being a dick about it (be it about parenting or anything else), then sure, it's inappropriate. But at the same time I remember when my first was born, I was pretty darn receptive to advice because _I had no idea what I was doing_. I'm less receptive now because half a decade in I think I have a decent handle on things, but I'm still not hostile about it -- I generally smile and nod and ignore (which, come to think of it, is what I do whenever anyone offers me advice I don't need).
- MJR 14y ago

dariusmonsef 14y ago

I'm very happy you and your wife have a healthy baby addition to your family. Not to spark a home/hospital birth debate, but to simply provide a different experience... Mine: http://hellobubs.com/post/23494489962/homebirth-midwives-becoming-the-ultimate-dudela http://hellobubs.com/post/23494489962/homebirth-midwives-bec...

diego 14y ago

As someone who spent six years trying to conceive and failed, reading this post makes me feel really bad. I'd point out that it's not Hacker News, but I'd have to do that for 50% of the posts on the front page at any given time.

orangethirty 14y ago
I'm sorry that you have gone through this.
yarou 14y ago
Have you thought about fertility and genetic counseling? (apologies if you already have, I realize this is a very personal and sensitive subject). For what it's worth, my parents conceived twice before I was born, both miscarriages, yet I turned out alright.
- diego 14y ago
  I've done everything you can think of and more. We actually conceived once, it was a miscarriage. Edit: if you really want to know, we fertilized a total of 19 embryos in 4 attempts over the years. Only two of those were deemed implantable by the PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis) and both failed to implant. Each time it was a two-week wait between implantation and learning about the failure, knowing that there was a 50/50 chance. Imagine flipping a coin that will be up in the air for two weeks. It cost you $20k, dozens of injections, tests, trips to the clinic, and general anguish to earn that coin toss.
  - johnnyn 14y ago
    Sorry to hear about all of your troubles Diego. Wishing you the best and hope it works out at some point. I've had quite a few friends go through the very same thing (fertility treatments, miscarriages) -- such difficult experiences.
Tyrant505 14y ago
Does trying and failing to conceive create a job-like mentality to sex life? I know it's personal.. but for an aside sex as a task happens to a lot of relationships, without these troubles. Sorry for your troubles.

brudgers 14y ago

What it's like to have a child is indescribably wonderful and it gets better from there. Congratulations.

codex 14y ago

The birth is the easy part.

kunai 14y ago

Well, that was graphic. Anyway. Good job on the kid. I'm 14, so I don't think I'm fit to give any sort of parenting advice or the like of it. Just enjoy the beauty of youth (and also try to endure much of the ugliness that tends to come with it).

tinok 14y ago

So let me get this: - baby's heart rate was of concern to your doctor - no progress for several hours - baby pooped - your wife had fever during labor - baby and mother now have an infection - c-section - big commotion, no communication with the wife And people still think epidural is a normal part of child birthing? On top of that - this couple will go on to tell other parents how lucky they were that they gave birth at the hospital! Yet this whole thing happened BECAUSE they thought child birth is a medical event. It's not. They inject chemicals into a mother about to give birth and then say - well, baby doesn't want to come out, must do c-section (read: doctor wants to go home, doesn't want to rub olive oil around the vagina, let's cut her up). I feel sorry for mothers who give birth at hospitals. Stories such as these make me so mad. People have no clue.

yarou 14y ago
Yes, laypeople have no clue...except those who have been trained for years, both theoretically and practically, in medicine. Child birthing is a natural event, but so is dying from cancer. Does that mean one should eschew chemotherapy and radiation treatment?
- tinok 14y ago
  Hospitals are not where mothers are supposed to give birth. They are constantly rushed to get the baby out, doctors are terrible at patient management and very quick to suggest chemical interventions, are very happy to use suctions to get the baby out and go home early, etc. 100,000 people die every year in the US from infections contracted during hospital visits, completely unrelated to the original reason for the visit. Why would you want your infant child in that sick environment? As for cancer, ignoring the fact that you compare it to child birth, it's completely natural. We all have cancer cells in our bodies at various times. Weak, unhealthy bodies do not know how to fight it, hence the so-called cancer breaks out so to speak. And you're correct that there are many other treatments to consider before traditional methods, but I'll get downvoted for speaking, so why bother.
  - derleth 14y ago

GilbertErik 14y ago

The title of the post should be, "My experiences with the delivery of my baby." The whole 'having a kid' part is the next, oh... 10 to 15 years.

seriocomic 14y ago

Wow, so much to resonate with. I'm reading this to pass the time while my fiance is measuring her contractions. We're due today. We were lucky to have four 2-hour educational sessions that went through all the various scenarios and what the options (and consequences were) - hopefully everything goes smoothly. It's probably not the actual birth experience that resonated so much - it was the way the disconnected expectation and sense of intangibility about the lead-up to the birth that was well written. It is/was hard for me to explain to others why I wasn't overtly excited (I am, but in an internal way). Good to hear that others feel this way too.

pavel_lishin 14y ago

> it’s not a “natural birth” if you get an epidural I never really understood this. It wasn't natural for me to have surgery less than a month after I was born, either, but without it I'd be dead now.

kaybe 14y ago
> We had debated the decision of receiving an epidural a great deal because some believe it’s not a “natural birth” if you get an epidural and I’d put us at a midrange granola level with our lives in general, but we decided that for us, for her, it was the right thing to do. I'm also confused. Is this a decision that is made as a couple?
- johnnyn 14y ago
  Of course. It is not necessary unless you want it for the pain. A doctor might suggest it but it is ultimately a decision made by the couple.
  - Luc 14y ago
    > [...] a decision made by the couple. Haha, I've never heard such a notion, that pain relief should be co-decided by the woman's partner. I certainly never presumed to have any input in that.
btilly 14y ago
A number of things happen with an epidural that are kind of a big deal. 1. The baby is affected by the epidural, which can result in several days of grogginess, increased difficulty in establishing breast feeding, etc. 2. There is a natural amnesia for the pain of childbirth. If you get an epidural that effect gets dropped. So there may be less pain, but the woman tends to remember it more clearly. 3. An epidural greatly limits the mother's range of possible positions and activities. For example squatting in a shower can be great for progress, but you can't do it if your legs don't work properly. 4. One intervention leads to another. An epidural slows the birthing process, and massively increases your likelihood of further interventions. In the linked article, the woman wound up with a C-section. The odds of that happening would have been considerably less if there had not been an epidural. (Even so, if there is no fetal distress, why the hurry to have a C-section if that had not been discussed? Before the childbirth they should have had a birthing plan, and the doula should have known the mother's wishes and defended them. That's what she's there for...) That said, natural childbirth is incredibly difficult and not always possible. If a woman wants and is capable of having a natural childbirth, my hat is off to her. But women shouldn't be pushed to do that if they don't want to.

krie 14y ago

Don't have kids. They will have far shittier lives, not to mention shorter, than yours, thanks to the end of cheap fossil fuels. They're also a hundred thousand dollar expense. Do not want! I suppose most of you are so prone to optimist thinking and nurturing your biological urges you won't heed my call. Ah well. Oh, and by the way, the current worldwide depression will never end. http://physics.ucsd.edu/do-the-math/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/peak-ff-oil.png http://physics.ucsd.edu/do-the-math/wp-content/uploads/2011/...

gnosis 14y ago
Having children is usually a selfish and/or conformist choice. Many people have kids because that's what's expected of them, and because that's what all their friends and family are doing. They also usually hope to be less lonely with kids, have their kids support or take care of them when they're older, be able to mold their kids to be like them or further their goals, and have a sort of existence after their deaths through their kids, or even fix up their marriage by having kids -- all selfish reasons to have kids. But the kids never asked to be born. As parents, you are essentially forcing life upon another being. According to Silenus, "the best thing for a man is not to be born, and if already born, to die as soon as possible."[1] This is not to mention the plague of overpopulation and all the resulting problems that unrestrained breeding has led to. [1] - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silenus https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silenus
- quasque 14y ago
  "But the kids never asked to be born. As parents, you are essentially forcing life upon another being." This is illogical. They can't ask to be born because they are not born yet. In your argument, the arrow of time is pointing in the wrong direction. And the parents are not forcing life upon a being like some sort of genitals-based Dr Frankenstein rigmarole - they are creating the being.
  - gnosis 14y ago
    "They can't ask to be born because they are not born yet." That's the point. They don't have a choice in the matter. The choice is entirely the parents' (assuming it's not an accident or rape).

benth 14y ago

Congratulations, and thank you for sharing your experience.

johnnyn 14y ago

Awesome account of the birth and experience. Thanks for sharing and going into detail about such intimate moments. We had both of our kids at home via midwife, but the experience obviously has similarities to the hospital. Our second was breech and also did not make a sound at first. They warned us about that with breech babies but it was still very unsettling until she started crying -- as it was for you. The last paragraph is perfect, couldn't have said it better myself.