4 ms·
I have attempted suicide 13 times, and decided I would not go for a 14th time. This article is not accurate. When you are suicidal it is very hard to explain.
by orionblastar 14y ago
I have attempted suicide 13 times, and decided I would not go for a 14th time.
This article is not accurate. When you are suicidal it is very hard to explain. You are miserable and in a lot of pain, you have negative racing thoughts about how terrible you are and what a horrible person you are etc and that the world would be better off without you, and you never really fit in, people just took advantage of you and abused and bullied you so you don't feel like you are connected to this world anymore, that the only way to end your suffering is to kill yourself. Logic, reason, and anything else no longer works for you, you can't think straight anymore and any thought just hurts you like a hot knife slicing into your brain. Every bad moment in your life plays out in your head, and each one just kills you inside a bit. You cannot even remember the good moments, you cannot recall that you have friends and family members who love you. You feel like nobody cares about you and everyone hates you and wants you to die.
I really don't know how I got out of it, except my attempts failed because I didn't do massive things like gunshot to the head or whatever, I did things that could be undone like overdose, etc. It was the only control I had at the time to survive, pick my way to die, and pick one that others can undo when they find me.
I got so sick working, that I developed schizoaffective disorder from the stress, and workplace bullies who abused me daily. I was a top-notch programmer, but now I am on disability trying to get my act together. Not being surrounded by sociopaths is helping me to heal up.
- DigitalTurk 14y agoOrion Blaster! I don't want to reveal my K5 nick but I'm happy you're still around. :)
- orionblastar 14y agoThanks you must be one of the few K5 users who like me alive. Most told me to "kill yourself" when I posted a diary. I think it started a K5 trend to post "kill yourself" after a Blastar-like diary. I am learning how to program all over again. I started with ANSI C and GCC and worked up to C++ with G++ in Unbuntu. Just small programs I'll move on to bigger stuff later. Just hope I don't end up like MDC, I hear he's been 5150'ed again in California.
- smosher 14y agoSmall world. I remember quitting K5 after it filled up with people I couldn't call friends. Take care.
- orionblastar 14y agoThanks friend, good to hear from you again. I hope Mike Crawford gets out of jail, he did some 911 phone calls and bragged about it on K5 and then crashed Hacker Dojo and other startup events. Here is a musical mix of his 911 tape: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7RglDs2DkA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7RglDs2DkA It has the Crawford Cats in it as well. Crawford sees himself as a hacktivist and has been suicidal in the past. Here are some of the things that got him in trouble: http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2012/04/startup_weekend_entrepreneuria.html http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2012/04/startup... http://startupweekend.org/2012/04/30/not-even-bmob-threats-could-deter-portlands-entrepreneurs-at-startup-weekend/ http://startupweekend.org/2012/04/30/not-even-bmob-threats-c... https://twitter.com/dhawalc/status/209088242094571520/photo/1 https://twitter.com/dhawalc/status/209088242094571520/photo/... http://www.reddit.com/r/michaeldavidcrawford/comments/ur825/mike_crawford_on_his_hackerdojo_campaign_posted/ http://www.reddit.com/r/michaeldavidcrawford/comments/ur825/...
- smosher 14y agoI remember a lot of mental illness and suicidal folks. Many were people I had good conversations with. A lot of the time it felt like family.
- orionblastar 14y agoYes but the trolls chased us/them all away from K5.