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Well, there is something to this. If I were single, I'd want to be pretty cautious myself. That said, I think not wanting to make a mistake, and not wanting to

Well, there is something to this. If I were single, I'd want to be pretty cautious myself. That said, I think not wanting to make a mistake, and not wanting to make a decision, are two different things. If you're with someone who wants to get married, there comes a point where you should make up your mind one way or the other.

ownagefool 14y ago
I've just recently had a 4 year relationship end on me here (28, male, UK). She wanted marriage and kids but I did not. There were three key reasons for this in my mind. * I was always fairly sure it was love but I was never sure I could put up with her in the long term (whether thats her fault or mine isn't really the point). * I had a lot more to lose than her by entering into a marriage and even being in a relationship and separating was a fairly large financial burden on my part. * I don't really feel I'm ready for either thing, though maybe I'd consider marriage if I felt the relationship was right. You're attitude appears to be that because I worked at my relationship, but didn't commit the rest of my life to it, that I am not a catch. Maybe its true but its not how I feel about the situation. Its fair to say that it could have ended sooner, but just because you think your relationship isn't going to work, doesn't mean you stop loving that person and want to give up.
- mattchew 14y ago
  What you say is understandable. Your first bullet point made me chuckle. I'm not out to bash you personally. If you or your girlfriend had entered the relationship with the intention of either committing or moving on, and (let's suppose) ended the relationship after one or two years instead of four, do you think that would have been a better outcome for either of you?
  - ownagefool 14y ago
    It depends. If you feel its all about the destination then splitting after 2 years would be less of a waste of time than 4. If its the journey then that doesn't matter and much of the time we spent together was well spend, both because they were good times and because we both learned about ourselves. Also whilst I understand that my first point plays into what you said, it's only that way if you look at it from an extreme bias. It could be that I am at fault but equally my concerns about my partner could actually be legitimate. Something in the middle perhaps? You just don't know. Its hard enough for friends and family to get the full picture never mind a random person on the Internet. What I will say is relationships from my experience are heavily bias towards woman. Apparently men are supposed to shower them with gifts, ensure their quality of life (so that the woman can do anything she desires) and essentially jump whenever told. In exchange they will give you sex... sometimes... when they feel like it, which amounts to less than once a month usually. Don't forget though, I woman can do anything that a man can do, so they're not your servants, make your own bloody sandwich and make her one too. Now I'm not trying to say the typical gender roles are what a relationship is all above, far from it. But its a lot easier to illustrate how it can often be all take and little give from one side on the basis of her not performaing her typical gender role while expecting you to do so.. I'm not going to sit here and say all woman are like that either. I'm sure theres some fantastic woman our there and I hope to one day meet one, but blaming either men or woman exclusively isn't something I buy into. Finally despite my break up being a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, I still think the likely situation would have been being a divorcee with a bunch of kids I can't see, again, unless I learns to jump on command. Maybe if I was a good little soldier it wouldn't have got that far, but then I'm sure sure I'd have enjoyed life anymore. Either way at this point I don't care whos fault it was. We all have blank spots we'll unlikely ever be able to see anyway.
    - mattchew 14y ago
      This thread is pretty stale and you may never see this, but I wanted to remark on the bitterness evident in your last post anyway. If this is how you feel after your last relationship, then your last relationship sucked. Be glad you got out of it, and yes, I would think it would have ended in divorce had you tied the knot. You should up your standards on what a relationship ought to look like. Someone who treats you nicely, who gives as well as takes, who enjoys spending time with you and actively wants to spend time with you, who still wants an active sex life even after several months together--this should not be some fantastic ideal that you might one day win the lottery with. This is what an ordinary healthy LTR looks like. If you're not getting something like this, you need to move on. (Obviously, you need to hold up your end of the deal in all those ways too.) Dating is hard. I speculate, merely from you being a male who posts to HN, that it is especially hard for you. But it's better to cut your losses and try again than to stay in an LTR that doesn't actually make you happy. Good luck.
      - ownagefool 14y ago
        I'm not that bitter; just using a negative experience to counter the original point. Yeah, you'll probably never hear me say a positive thing about my ex, but at the end of the day people don't stick together for 4 years if its all bad. Also that last point is largely a myth in my opinion. Finding the (a) right person is hard for everyone. Some of us are significantly more awkward about it than others, but I don't really believe posting in niche tech sites alone is in any way representative of that.

ownagefool 14y ago

I've just recently had a 4 year relationship end on me here (28, male, UK). She wanted marriage and kids but I did not. There were three key reasons for this in my mind. * I was always fairly sure it was love but I was never sure I could put up with her in the long term (whether thats her fault or mine isn't really the point). * I had a lot more to lose than her by entering into a marriage and even being in a relationship and separating was a fairly large financial burden on my part. * I don't really feel I'm ready for either thing, though maybe I'd consider marriage if I felt the relationship was right. You're attitude appears to be that because I worked at my relationship, but didn't commit the rest of my life to it, that I am not a catch. Maybe its true but its not how I feel about the situation. Its fair to say that it could have ended sooner, but just because you think your relationship isn't going to work, doesn't mean you stop loving that person and want to give up.

mattchew 14y ago
What you say is understandable. Your first bullet point made me chuckle. I'm not out to bash you personally. If you or your girlfriend had entered the relationship with the intention of either committing or moving on, and (let's suppose) ended the relationship after one or two years instead of four, do you think that would have been a better outcome for either of you?
- ownagefool 14y ago
  It depends. If you feel its all about the destination then splitting after 2 years would be less of a waste of time than 4. If its the journey then that doesn't matter and much of the time we spent together was well spend, both because they were good times and because we both learned about ourselves. Also whilst I understand that my first point plays into what you said, it's only that way if you look at it from an extreme bias. It could be that I am at fault but equally my concerns about my partner could actually be legitimate. Something in the middle perhaps? You just don't know. Its hard enough for friends and family to get the full picture never mind a random person on the Internet. What I will say is relationships from my experience are heavily bias towards woman. Apparently men are supposed to shower them with gifts, ensure their quality of life (so that the woman can do anything she desires) and essentially jump whenever told. In exchange they will give you sex... sometimes... when they feel like it, which amounts to less than once a month usually. Don't forget though, I woman can do anything that a man can do, so they're not your servants, make your own bloody sandwich and make her one too. Now I'm not trying to say the typical gender roles are what a relationship is all above, far from it. But its a lot easier to illustrate how it can often be all take and little give from one side on the basis of her not performaing her typical gender role while expecting you to do so.. I'm not going to sit here and say all woman are like that either. I'm sure theres some fantastic woman our there and I hope to one day meet one, but blaming either men or woman exclusively isn't something I buy into. Finally despite my break up being a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, I still think the likely situation would have been being a divorcee with a bunch of kids I can't see, again, unless I learns to jump on command. Maybe if I was a good little soldier it wouldn't have got that far, but then I'm sure sure I'd have enjoyed life anymore. Either way at this point I don't care whos fault it was. We all have blank spots we'll unlikely ever be able to see anyway.
  - mattchew 14y ago
    This thread is pretty stale and you may never see this, but I wanted to remark on the bitterness evident in your last post anyway. If this is how you feel after your last relationship, then your last relationship sucked. Be glad you got out of it, and yes, I would think it would have ended in divorce had you tied the knot. You should up your standards on what a relationship ought to look like. Someone who treats you nicely, who gives as well as takes, who enjoys spending time with you and actively wants to spend time with you, who still wants an active sex life even after several months together--this should not be some fantastic ideal that you might one day win the lottery with. This is what an ordinary healthy LTR looks like. If you're not getting something like this, you need to move on. (Obviously, you need to hold up your end of the deal in all those ways too.) Dating is hard. I speculate, merely from you being a male who posts to HN, that it is especially hard for you. But it's better to cut your losses and try again than to stay in an LTR that doesn't actually make you happy. Good luck.
    - ownagefool 14y ago
      I'm not that bitter; just using a negative experience to counter the original point. Yeah, you'll probably never hear me say a positive thing about my ex, but at the end of the day people don't stick together for 4 years if its all bad. Also that last point is largely a myth in my opinion. Finding the (a) right person is hard for everyone. Some of us are significantly more awkward about it than others, but I don't really believe posting in niche tech sites alone is in any way representative of that.