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All My Life I’ve Been Told I Was Special. It Was A Lie.

139 points by mtoddh 14y ago

kiba 14y ago
I look at most games as the evil. They provide the illusion of power or change in your life, but nothing really change outside of your game. Nothing improve other than your stats. So instead of just playing game, I also make them. With making video games, I learn all sort of thing applicable to programming and real life. The game I am working on will enlighten players with a simulation of infantry combat. (suppressive fire, maneuvering, covers, spacing, etc)
- EvilLook 14y ago
  None of that is unique to games. Replace "games" with "books", "movies", "opera", "stage plays", or "pop music" and you have the exact same argument.
  - philwelch 14y ago
    No, not at all. A game is an environment in which you actually do things and generate some sort of result, however artificial. Everything you listed is inherently passive--you just observe it happen in front of you, no action from you is really necessary.
    - rmk2 14y ago
      At least for books, some people vehemently disagree with you: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reader_response https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reader_response And for (well known and respected) people also extending above theory to art, music, history and cinema: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reader_response#Extensions https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reader_response#Extensions
      - philwelch 14y ago
        If you want to abstract and equivocate enough, you can say anything. I'm just speaking plainly.
- oinksoft 14y ago
  Surprisingly, not everybody seeks change and accomplishment with every moment. An escape can be nice. Also, "Nothing improve other than your stats" ... maybe you are thinking only of WoW-type games that reward time spent playing more than anything else.
- Evbn 14y ago
  Your solution to the games being not very productive, is to glorify and promote destruction? OK....
- angersock 14y ago
  This is a field already well-served by ARMA and whatnot--why not try pushing the envelope in other ways?
tesmar2 14y ago
> Except in video games. In video games greatness is inevitable. The underlying assumption here is incorrect, that is, that greatness involves saving the world in some epic way. I, however, see greatness in one who sacrifices himself for another, no matter how small the task. From the stay-at-home mom who spends most of her time caring for a small child to Captain Kirk's father who sacrificed himself for the whole ship (newest ST movie), there is greatness to be found in all of them, and one is not necessarily greater than the other, for they both involve elevating the other's interests above your own.
- danso 14y ago
  Why is his assumption incorrect because you have a different worldview?
  - tesmar2 14y ago
    His assumption is that the only greatness worth achieving is in the video game world, the kind where some hero goes off to save the world. My assertion is that the best kind of greatness is the one where a man sacrifices in some way for another, leading to the other's betterment/rescue/etc. So, in this sense, one could save the world very selfishly and that would be a diminished greatness compared to a son who takes a leave of absence from work to care for his dying father.
    - Androsynth 14y ago
      no, he is saying that video games give him the simple pleasure of watching stats go up as he performs repetitive tasks. He derives pleasure from simple, yet ultimately hollow achievements because that is the type of praise he was raised on.
      - danso 14y ago
        Yes this is what I'm alluding to. No offense meant at the parent comment, whose worldview I respect...I'm just saying that what you disagree with the OP on is not a mistaken assumption, but a different frame of reference...
speeder 14y ago
We live in a honorless world. There can be no honor, when there is no shame. We live in a world, where children are told that "E" stands for Effort.
- darkchasma 14y ago
  Good. Honor is a social construct used to enforce control on the weak, and shame those who choose not to conform.
GuiA 14y ago
We lived in the US for a couple years when I was in grade school. My parents always laughed and mocked the stickers that my teacher would put on our assignments: "Great Job!", "You're the best!", "#1". (almost 20 years later, it is still a recurring joke in my family). An English professor of mine in college loved to dissect differences between the French and English language, and how they highlighted the differences in how anglo-saxon cultures and French culture approach education. French schools mark out of 20 (0 being worst, 20 being best); but no one ever gets 20. In middle and high school, getting 17 or 18 is already stupendous; in college, top students rarely ever go above 15, and some professors skew their grading to rarely give out marks above 10 in order to toughen up students. On the other hand, getting an A or a 100% in a US college class is not all that hard. In French, we also often use the verb "to perfect" ("se parfaire") to mean "improve"; for instance, "I'm taking classes to perfect my English". I don't believe I've ever encountered that construction in English (if it is grammatically correct, then it is infinitely rarer) My professor's main point being that in French culture, perfection is something we strive towards, but never achieve; whereas in anglo-saxon culture, it is something fully within reach. I was never a straight A student; in middle and high school, my grades would rarely go above 14/20; in college, they were more around 12/20. I did finish my undergrad in a British institution, where my marks immediately skyrocketed and I graduated with the highest honors (ha). In grad school (US), I got a B or two, but they always were from some tough foreign professors. By contrast, I dated an American girl for a while who had always been a straight A student in middle/high school (graduated valedictorian) and college (graduated on the dean's roll etc. etc.). Her blaring success stopped right as she graduated college though; she quickly fell in deep depression at that point due to the stark contrast with what she experienced and the professional world. Addendum: Differences between the French (and European to some extent) and American culture have fascinated me for the past few years, as I grew up in a pluricultural environment in the later years, but very French in my early years (and as I slowly become a functioning adult, understanding what shaped my youth and education is interesting to me). To anyone interested in that question, I recommend the book "Bringing Up Bébé" by Pamela Druckerman, which is about a British/American couple discovering French parenting and contrasting it with their own. It is pop-cultury and light on actual research, but does contain interesting insights. Any recommendations on that same topic are very welcome :)
- 14y ago
shubhamjain 14y ago
Cant agree more! I have always hated video games but this game called Braid caught my attention. Being highly addicted to this puzzler, i finished it in a week and i remember what i felt. I felt like a genius, like i did which no one could, but my brother, he finished before me. Video games can make you feel like someone but as soon as you get beaten in your game, the dirty old feeling will be back.
evdawg 14y ago
I think this is another case of "Failures were justified and assigned an appropriate cause". In reality, the author didn't have the discipline to balance work and entertainment. This sounds like tantamount lazyness to me; who doesn't want to be having "fun" all the time instead of work or school? I have difficulty putting it into words but this sounds like one big excuse blaming society/parents/school for his failures rather than himself, which is where they lie.
- PaperclipTaken 14y ago
  It's hard to expect him (looking at the child growing up, and the kid in college less than the adult) to know how to balance work and entertainment when he was never taught these things. Discipline isn't something that you are born with, and if nobody is there to teach it to you then you have to teach it to yourself. It sounds to me like the author is beginning to learn his lessons, but that doesn't change the failures of his childhood parents/mentors who clearly did not adequately prepare him for college. One of the reasons that I like college as an institution though is that it is a 'safe' place for you to learn the gaps in your childhood education. It's more or less a safe haven for you to finally be on your own but with still lessened consequences. When you always have a group of people supporting you (like your parents), it's difficult to realize that you lack discipline, and it's difficult to realize the full consequences of your laziness.
  - rmrfrmrf 14y ago
    I reject the notion that a child needs to have great parents in order to recognize basic cause and effect. In my opinion, we need to stop perpetuating this idea that children are some kind of tabula rasa that must be filled with knowledge from their parents, as if to say that children are incapable of figuring things out for themselves. This thought process is what the excuse makers in life thrive on.
- anonymous 14y ago
  In more juvenile terms, I'd put it as "Oh, I'm sorry, let me call the WAAAAAAAAHmbulance". So far I have met very, very few people who didn't have some sort of mental breakdown during their 20s. Attributing it to "youthful idealism", or what have you, sounds rather disingenuous. Also, there are definite problems with the reverse idea of "you're not special, you're just a cog in a machine" -- namely that once you think that way about yourself, you also start thinking that way about other people and then you're thinking of people as things. Besides, you are special. You're just not more special than the guy next to you.
PaperclipTaken 14y ago
I used to struggle with the same thing. Always being told that I was special. Graduating at the top 2% of my high school, slated for MIT, "you'll go far kid." But here I am, feeling normal and useless. I lead a moderate sized club at RPI, but I don't even feel accomplished for it. I haven't seen any of the job offers that I felt were promised to me when I enrolled at the school, I haven't gotten any major internships. As a kid I used to hit the video games pretty hard, but at some point I started to realize how fake the achievements felt. I literally can't stomach playing video games anymore. It feels like taking some sort of numbing drug. I have good memories, and I don't even regret most of the weekends I devoted entirely to video games (and the costs associated). But I feel ill equipped for criticism. Not only am I ill equipped to hear criticism, but my peers are ill equipped to give criticism. Did my speech go well? What could I improve? Even when I can tell that my peers did not like what they saw, it's hard to figure out why, I don't think that some of them even know how to criticize someone within their own mind. I worked a job last summer teaching kids. I still visit from time to time, and the trend of positive reinforcement and lack of criticism seems to be gaining momentum in our youth. My boss would not let me criticize my own students. And this worries me. What happens when everybody hits the real world, ill equipped for the failure that most adults will tell you happens regularly? And what can we do to address the issue without swinging the pendulum in the exact opposite direction, to the fabled 'tiger' parenting that seems to carry it's own hefty share of negative consequences?
- Evbn 14y ago
  Dude, the economy collapsed. Jobs are a bit tighter at the moment. And mild depression is common in college aged people.
- deleted 14y ago
  [deleted]
- MordinSolus 14y ago
  > But here I am, feeling normal and useless. I lead a moderate sized club at RPI, but I don't even feel accomplished for it. I haven't seen any of the job offers that I felt were promised to me when I enrolled at the school, I haven't gotten any major internships. I struggled with this as well. A big turning point for me was dropping entirely the notion of being entitled to anything. In reality, no one owes me anything just because I think I'm smart or because I think I work hard. On the feeling unaccomplished part, maybe try reading a book like http://www.amazon.com/Mastery-Keys-Success-Long-Term-Fulfillment/dp/0452267560 http://www.amazon.com/Mastery-Keys-Success-Long-Term-Fulfill.... It's sort of a "the goal is the journey" book with some practical advice thrown in. > As a kid I used to hit the video games pretty hard, but at some point I started to realize how fake the achievements felt. I literally can't stomach playing video games anymore. It feels like taking some sort of numbing drug. I have good memories, and I don't even regret most of the weekends I devoted entirely to video games (and the costs associated). Me too! It sucks sometimes because I want to enjoy playing a game but don't. I've found that I can't play games, like Skyrim, that are just time-based grinds. Instead, I play games for the nostalgia, the story, for creativity elements, or for the competition/skill factor. Sometimes even then I feel uneasy playing games because I feel like I should be doing something more productive.. that's a tough feeling to get over. > I worked a job last summer teaching kids. I still visit from time to time, and the trend of positive reinforcement and lack of criticism seems to be gaining momentum in our youth. My boss would not let me criticize my own students. I don't think these things are mutually exclusive. You can certainly criticize and be positive (or at least not negative) about it.
DanBC 14y ago
A good, fee-paying, school for girls in the UK runs "failure week" to let girls know that risk is good; failure will happen; and that you need to be able to work through it. (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-16879336 http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-16879336) Praise effort and work, not just good outcomes, is something that has been mentioned on HN a few times before. What I think would be good (although I welcome correction from anyone with better knowledge of education) is letting bright students help teach slower students. This isn't just for the less able students. Teaching other people strengthens your own skills. You don't have bright bored students causing trouble. You have a teacher more able to help students that need it. Maybe it already happens? I dunno. I went to a school that had pretty heavy streaming.
zimbatm 14y ago
Relatedly, praise hard work, not intelligence. http://www.parentingscience.com/praise-and-intelligence.html http://www.parentingscience.com/praise-and-intelligence.html https://www.stanford.edu/dept/psychology/cgi-bin/drupalm/system/files/Intelligence%20Praise%20Can%20Undermine%20Motivation%20and%20Performance.pdf https://www.stanford.edu/dept/psychology/cgi-bin/drupalm/sys...
guard-of-terra 14y ago
That's because "education" as we know it is bullshit. Instead of finding a talent and teaching you to do something useful it teaches you to do nothing useful for ten years. More so, it benchmarks your ability to do nothing useful and (in some systems) tries to decide whether to let you to finally learn to do something useful or not. I suggest sidestep this and go straight into programming (writing, drawing, whatevering). Call this Minimal Viable Education.
- EvilLook 14y ago
  The problem is that most people today don't understand what an education is supposed to accomplish. The vast majority of Americans believe that an education should ultimately end with a marketable skill, and as a result students are dissuaded from paths of study that do not end with a directly marketable skill (art school, liberal arts, music school). In a minimally viable education the pressure to not study these things goes away however there is no incentive to produce a student with marketable job skills. I think this is okay because school should have never been about job training. An education should prepare you for job training and job training should teach you a marketable skill. This is not a new concept; guilds, apprenticeships, and trade schools have existed for centuries. What is necessary is to de-stigmatize these paths in the modern age and divorce the concept of education from that of job training.
  - guard-of-terra 14y ago
    Why study for 16 years to be "prepared for job training"? I think that most people of reason will significantly reduce or outright drop this part of "education", if not pushed hard towards it by the old and inefficient system.
  - anonymous 14y ago
    The problem is too many people who think they know what "the problem" is. But I do agree with you on the second and third paragraphs. Like when somebody asks you "but what will I do with quadratic equations later in life?". No, you semi-evolved simian, you don't need to solve quadratic equations later in life, you need a brain that has jumped the hurdle of learning quadratic equations later in life.
gadders 14y ago
Oh boohoo. I'm sorry he lost his Mum, but I think he needs to read this: http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/ http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-yo... EG: #3. You Hate Yourself Because You Don't Do Anything #2. What You Are Inside Only Matters Because of What It Makes You Do
aneth4 14y ago
This is how America ruins it's best children. I know the story so well, I only had to read the title, though I did skim the article to be sure. Children need to be given goals and challenged, not constantly told they are good enough. Children need to be shown a path to improvement, not reassurance on their accomplishments. There's a reason Americans fascinated by movies about hard loving teachers who are proud but never satisfied with their students, like in the Karate Kid or Dead Poets' Society (dating myself there.) Unfortunately we can't bring ourselves to actually challenge our children and sacrifice their short term glee for long term fulfillment.
piqufoh 14y ago
Take home story? For me it's don't tell people (children) they're special when they're not. Love and cherish sure, praise hard work (as mentioned here) definitely, but random "you're great!!" nope. Oh, and maybe work harder and don't play computer games ;)
jballanc 14y ago
I used to think, like the author, that the "everyone gets a trophy" epidemic in America was a major problem. Lately, I've come to realize that this is but half of the problem. The other half is America's growing culture of Celebrity Worship. You see it all over: in the way America's youth treats Facebook and Twitter, in the exponential growth of "reality" shows and "talent" competitions, in the rise of celebrities who are "famous for being famous". With the way that America treats celebrity, not just as something to be desired but something to be expected, it's hard to blame parents for having that "everyone gets a trophy" mentality. The reality is that someone needs to sweep the floors. Someone needs to build the buildings, dig the ditches, and work the assembly line. The fact that America seems to have forgotten how to do those jobs and still maintain a sense of accomplishment, a sense of self-worth, is directly reflected by the employment crisis the country currently finds itself in. When everyone is trying to be a celebrity, you end up with a country full of celebrities and drop-outs, of highly-paid, highly-skilled workers, and McDonalds' cashiers.
- Evbn 14y ago
  Someone has to flip the burgers. What are you saying, that floor sweepers are too good for that?
- javert 14y ago
  You treat "America" as some culturally monolithic thing, when it's not. Basically, I always considered the whole "celebrity worship" thing to be for more "lower class" people, and I think there's some truth there.
  - evincarofautumn 14y ago
    ‘You treat “America” as some culturally monolithic thing, when it’s not.’ I second this. The United States alone are basically a loose collection of countries held together by the dollar and a certain amount of federal guidance. I use the term “countries” in the broader sense of “land”; they don’t necessarily correspond to state boundaries. And this is to say nothing of the rest of America.
pixl97 14y ago
While in jr. high and high school I helped my father with his business. I saw all the same 'U R SPESHUL' crap dumped on kids and laughed it off. In the working world you have to 'pass' or you may not have cash for dinner. Failures are very common in the real world. You may not make the big sale you were expecting. The company you work for may go out of business. All kinds of things go wrong, raising your children to be resilient is more important then shooting for success. This also means you have to allow your kids to suffer the consequences of their failures too. You don't want them to get hurt, but if you save them from themselves every time, you've taught them that mommy/daddy will bail them out whenever they need it.
edw519 14y ago
I grew up in a house where abundant praise was given for completion of the most mundane of tasks. Failures were justified and assigned an appropriate cause that absolved me of any wrongdoing. Exactly the opposite of my experience. My father never praised us. Ever. My mother rarely did. We were routinely punished for anything less than perfection: homework, grades, even washing the dishes (Do them again! Not clean enough!) And yet they must have been doing something else so subtly that none of us ever noticed. Everything about the way they treated us led each of us to believe that we could accomplish anything, as long as we worked hard enough and didn't expect anything given to us. We were special but not entitled. I sometimes felt angry about how we were treated until one day I realized that they made a great parental sacrifice, exchanging their own popularity for our potential. There both gone now and I think about them every day. Even more so after posts like this one. Thank you, OP.
- marknutter 14y ago
  I remember hearing recently (I think it was from the book Outliers) that children whose parents tell them their achievements are due to natural ability fair far worse in life than children whose parents tell them their achievements are the result of hard work.
  - gcheong 14y ago
    Carol Dweck developed the theory called mindset that shows that how children are praised (for effort, or intelligence) can determine how they approach problems, how long they persist at trying to solve problems, and even whether they will tend to choose to solve new, harder problems or choose to re-solve ones they already know. http://mindsetonline.com/ http://mindsetonline.com/
  - ryanmolden 14y ago
    This was probably taken from the work of Carol Dweck[0]. I recently read a book she wrote (Mindset[1]) that was recommended on a thread here. The book title sounds like some corny self-help book, and honestly some of the stories in it seemed a bit sappy to me, but I think the underlying idea is solid and I definitely see it myself a lot in my day to day life (full disclosure: recovering fixed mindset person :)). The basic premise is there are two types of mindsets, a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. Those with the fixed mindset are those that believe that intelligence, ability, etc.. is basically fixed. You have some certain amount and that's that. The growth mindset believes the general range of these things may be strongly influenced ('fixed') by things like genetics, life circumstances, etc... but improvement within this range is definitely possible and the key to that is hard work and honest assessment of where you are relative to where you want to be. This relates to the achievement vs. hard work thing because she claims children who are praised for 'being smart' or 'being good at X' tend to gravitate towards the fixed mindset (i.e. 'I get praised because I am smart, I am smart because I can do X well/X comes easily to me, if something doesn't come easily to me it must mean I am not smart/talented'). This causes them to not put in effort when the going gets tough and in fact to avoid challenges because if they fail they view it as a judgement on their core self/competency (not simply an indication of an area for growth). The growth mindset folks (children praised for doing well because they worked hard at it as opposed to some natural talent or 'smarts') tend to seek challenges as they view them as the engine of growth/improvement. Using these frameworks as a lens on which to view human behavior can be interesting. I have definitely seen both mindsets in action (in myself and others). I definitely , consciously, try to stay in a growth mindset now, but I think our culture heavily pushes a fixed mindset where someone either has 'it' or they don't, they are smart or they are not, they are talented or they are not. We prefer the 'instant success due to massive talent/smarts' story over the 'worked their ass off for years to build amazing talent and then succeeded due to that hard work'. The book Talent Is Overrated[2] also touches on this and points out most people that we generally consider 'naturals' at things, if you interview them/study them/look at their past, all have something in common, a tremendous amount of effort in learning/training, above and beyond what most people put in. This also veers towards the 10,000 hour theory of Anders Ericsson[3] EDIT: Fixed a bunch typos/misspelling I saw in re-reading. Originally typed in IE with no spell check. Area for improvement: spelling. [0] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carol_Dweck http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carol_Dweck [1] http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1357405796&sr=8-1&keywords=mindset+the+new+psychology+of+success http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/... [2] http://www.amazon.com/Talent-Overrated-World-Class-Performers-EverybodyElse/dp/1591842948/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1357406433&sr=1-1&keywords=talent+is+overrated http://www.amazon.com/Talent-Overrated-World-Class-Performer... [3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K._Anders_Ericsson http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K._Anders_Ericsson
danenania 14y ago
The problem with many Americans, and wealthy people more generally, is that they're spoiled rotten to the extent that they are brainwashed into believing that how much monopoly money they take home and how much respect a bunch of other spoiled rotten people give them indicate success or failure in life. Meanwhile people are starving and dying in wars all over the world. There's no such thing as success or failure in a wealthy country. It's all meaningless. There are just a bunch of people who are well taken care of and given an addictive, stressful game to play so they don't rock the boat.
- guard-of-terra 14y ago
  You can still change the world in various ways.
- walshemj 14y ago
  there's no such thing as " failure in a wealthy country." sorry what planet are you on - there are plenty of people who fall though the gaps in the USA and the UK. Unless you think the homeless guy I see sleeping behind the pret a manger in holbourn is some kind of success story
OldSchool 14y ago
I believe this culture arose in 90's as a reaction to the 70's where in the US, the education system mainstreamed almost everyone and praise was nonexistent. Today's 40-50 y/o so-called rocket scientist sat through exactly the same coursework, at the same pace, as the lowest passable student. Some schools even placed everyone in the same large room regardless of age. To make things worse, grading was heavily weighted on rote assignments being completed; boredom could turn a 99th percentile tester into a C student and nothing was done. Somehow though college admission was surprisingly objective. You could get into a respected public engineering school with any GPA if your SAT score was high enough. The opposite is true now, where GPA is who you are "intellectually," and "honors" courses that allow you to get a 5.0 on a 4.0 scale almost ensure that the valedictorian will have more than a 4.0/4.0 GPA. Compliant, hard workers can grow up thinking they're also PhD material. There is some validation in real life for the old system however. "Success" in real life is mostly just showing up consistently and having social skills to keep your customers (or bosses) happy. Like ideas, raw intellectual horsepower doesn't go far without execution.
- rdl 14y ago
  Heh, I remember the "honors 5.0" thing being really hilarious in high school -- it actually penalized people for taking an extra language class (for which honors wasn't offered), so the valedictorian basically was the person who took all honors (there were a fair number) and took the absolute minimum of electives. I'm glad I dropped out :)
ruswick 14y ago
I think that his problem is that he has always sought external validation. He wanted the world to affirm his greatness. This isn't likely to happen. The occupational world is interested only in treating one as a fungible resource. The world doesn't really care about many individuals, and they probably won't make an effort to validate them unless they do something remarkable. Instead of trying to asses his merit through artificial criteria or measurements, he should strive for internal validation. He should find what makes him feel good, and pursue it. This is distinct from what brings him pleasure. Pursuing only pleasure had, in his case, turned out poorly. Moreover, I think that strict hedonism isn't congruous with the human condition: everyone needs aspirations and accomplishments. On the education system: yeah, it's a mess. The chief problem is its inefficiency. I recall statistic stating that 70% of knowledge learned in school is lost throughout one's lifetime, and that only 3% is actively applied in one's day-to-day life or occupation. I'm not sure about the veracity of this, but I think that, regardless of the actual numbers, it's a fairly intuitive conclusion that the education system is a travesty. This is derived from the increasing specificity as one ascends our various educational institutions. The foundational information: basic arithmetic, introductory english skills, ect. are applicable to almost all careers and lifestyles. Then, as science and history are thrown in and math becomes more complex, the content begins to lose its applicability. Then, at the secondary level, the information becomes so esoteric as to practically useless to everyone. Calculus is used in an incredibly small number of occupations, and could safely be relegated to the collegiate level. And yet, it is arguable the centerpiece of the education system. The same could be said about lab science. English, on the other hand, is a pivotal educational domain that is pertinent to one's success throughout school, but focuses on the wrong things. The various structures and constructs of english are emphasized, while the application is marginalized. If anything, the former belies the true nature of language: to communicate effectively. And yet, so little actual communication is done throughout schools as to be laughable. I recall never being given more than 1-2 essays per semester throughout middle and early high school. It's illogical to impress the specifics of the english language on students without compelling them to use those specifics. This is why I love my current english course: it focuses almost exclusively on argumentative analysis and writing. The issue is not that these academic domains are unto themselves valueless or that they should not be taught. On the contrary, I find most of my courses to be incredibly edifying, and that even superfluous information has innate value. However, the function of the education system is not to instill knowledge for knowledge's sake, but to produce capable individuals prepared for the real world.
CKKim 14y ago
I believe the problem is in the way we make "special", or "intelligent", or any one of countless others, an actual part of a person's identity. I'd like to get away from describing the individual and instead concentrate on their specific achievements. It may not make us feel very good about ourselves, but it's a great deal more precise, and it focuses on reality rather than cherry-picked descriptors to encapsulate a "character". Every time I read an 'about' section of a personal site and see something along the lines of "I'm a blogger, a technology geek, a cyclist, a photographer, and a serial dabbler" I wrinkle my nose a little because it seems like they're writing the person they want to be, rather than focusing on what they have to show for it.
Delmania 14y ago
One of a key tenants of the parenting style my wife and I use (positive discipline) is that you encourage and do not praise. The difference is subtle, but it focuses on the action and not the person. For example, when one of our kids do well in school, we don't say "you're so smart!". Rather, we say "you worked hard for that, good job! keep it up!". When a child fails, we say "I understand you feel bad. What do you think you could have done better?"
- helentoomik 14y ago
  tenant: occupant (of an apartment, for example) tenet: principle, guideline
ovatsug25 14y ago
There is a difference between feeling "special" and being loved and I think that most Americanized (mine are not American but are def Americanized) is that they think they making us feel special equates to having us feel love. This is not true. You can have your cake and eat it too. You can demand effort and at the same time make the other person feel loved at the same time. This does not mean that they will always feel that way...or that you will be really good at doing that from day one, but I am pretty certain that you can do it. It is very expensive however, as in it will take a lot of time and effort. My previous gf definitely felt loved by her parents and she was there in the architecture until 5 am night after night working like a dog, striving for perfection. If she did not achieve, she would look forward to improving herself. My parents on the other hand, specifically my dad, tried to tell us we were the most handsome, smartest, funniest of the bunch. This was of course not true, and even though I was the smartest for a long time throughout my childhood, it came to bite me in the ass because I never learned anything that didn't come easily to me (thankfully a whole bunch of things did come easily, but still I missed out on so much more.) My mom is not as Americanized, but she had this tendency to tell us that we had to be the best, but didn't know how to communicate and tell us about all the hard work and how it is imperative that you be the worst before you become the best. You need to fail to get going. 1 year of Wellbutrin later, mediocre grades in high school and college, and now in my introduction to the workforce it is still hard to overcome a lot of the habits that this conditioning had on me. I know I have to stick with it, I know I have to suck, I know I have to keep going, but it is hard to do so no matter how aware of the problem I am. Fortunately, I am pretty happy with my life right now, which used to not be the case, and I am way more accepting of the fact that yes, I will suck. I'm a little worried as to how I will feel a few years from now, but really I don't care all that much. I no longer want to be a Zuckerberg, or a Steve Jobs, rather I just want to be happy and make people feel loved while making enough at the point where happiness becomes asymptotic. I also want to be really good at something, but I think I've overcome my needs to be the best, or more precisely, the most recognized. This is doable. My work still sucks. It's going to be a lot of work to be excellent, but fortunately, forgetting about the recognition is great. I wish myself luck. I forgive myself for having been so stupid when I was young. I forgive my parents for having been bad coaches and I try to correct them when they still tell me I'm special and the best (which is becoming a lot harder for them to do...haha). And that's it. The slate is clean! Let's get moving!
xdev 14y ago
OK, I love the tide of unbridled machismo -- here's a little secret: No one is special, but one of the precious gifts we get from our parents or guardians is unconditional love. And given the harsh reality of our situation: that we live in a world which is indifferent to our survival, that it will only briefly remember any of our accomplishments, that we are more likely to go on forever struggling with our own mediocrity, we are deserving of that love and it is invaluable. It is something that (as far as we know), our species creates that is unique. And if it chokes us a little bit and if it stunts our growth, then that is acceptable bargain for the brief memories of peace and happiness that it will create for us, which we can carry with us on our long journey to the grave.
celiac 14y ago
>I want to become the adult I believed I could be. I want video games to become something that helps me change instead of giving me a place to hide This is a growing and misguided sentiment. Being absorbed in and obsessed with video games is the problem, not the content of the games! If you want to grow up you need to collide with the real world. No game is going to become the driver of adulthood. The answer here is to subtract games from your life and go live in the world. Unfortunately there is an "art game" movement indulging in delusions that the right kind of game can rise above the level of crass entertainment and "nourish" the player. This is garbage. You can imbibe the most clever and interest art in the world, but only living in the real world can teach you about the real world. Even education is dangerously "gamified". The difference there is that the world is rigged with many favors for educated people, so you don't have much choice.
- guard-of-terra 14y ago
  I'm normally opposed to using this concept on HN, but the real world sucks when you're a teen. It's pointless, small, chances that you don't have access to the good parts but there are quite a few bad parts to stumble upon. I don't see why teen won't want to avoid real world. When you get out of school into college, that's the time to emerge.
  - celiac 14y ago
    I'm not saying people shouldn't play games. I'm saying people with a gaming problem should stop, not ask for the games to turn them into adults.
jdietrich 14y ago
The author of the piece still doesn't get it. He blames other people for his belief that nothing is his fault, oblivious to the irony of that logic. His twitter bio starts with the words "Trying to figure myself out". He looks inside himself and sees nothing; His reaction to that void is to just keep looking. He wants more than anything in the world to be a game journalist, or a story writer, or an animator, or a game designer, or whatever, which is fine if you're a freshman, but seriously fucked up if you're several years out of college. He hasn't realised that you don't need anyone's permission to write games reviews or make short films or put together a little indie game, you just fucking do it. He is sufficiently preoccupied with the question of identity that he fails to understand that "doing x" precedes "being x". He uses the world "passion" more than anyone who understands the meaning of that word. Put bluntly, he's a pathological narcissist. I feel desperately sorry for the guy, but not as much as I feel sorry for the people who live with him.
- Claudus 14y ago
  Totally agree, I have several people in my life who seem to have the same attitude, and I've come to the same conclusion: pathological narcissism. My commentary, "Realizing you were foolish in the past does not make you wise in the present."
- vacri 14y ago
  It's a curious trait amongst what seems to be a lot of gen-Ys. The inability to see the forest for the trees. I remember an online debate with one gen-Yer (I'm an Xer) who I've shared a forum with for years and hence know she's not stupid. The debate was on which gen of the last three had it harder growing up. After I outlined the things the boomers started with and were fundamentally involved in changing (like various forms of civil right movements, the sexual revolution and so forth), the responses I got were things like 'we can't have peanut butter in schools' - intended as an argument as to why it's harder to grow up Y. She couldn't see beyond the trials she had personally had, couldn't empathise with a world she didn't grow up in. The boomers had become this boogeyman that weren't a generation that figured it out as they go (like all generations), but this vague conspiracy to intentionally screw over later generations. I think my favourite part was "We were promised a light at the end of the tunnel and didn't get it unless we worked hard". Well... no generation before was even promised that. You just got 'work hard, deal with it'. There was never an 'it gets better'.
PoliticsJunkie 14y ago
I grew up in Eastern Europe. Then moved to the USA to eventually become an US citizen. In Eastern Europe all kids in school were (and I bet still are) criticized for any error, taught that they are in no way better than anyone else, probably worse. I still remember physics teacher in my high-school claiming that F grade is for most of us imbecyls, D if we learn really hard, C for geniuses, he/she (the teacher) may be good for B, and Einstein was A :-) People not only in Easter Europe, but I noticed also in Western Europe and Asia tend to critize each other. It's funny because when you hit the US with true imbecyls around you, you will be astonished how dumb they are and how far they can get basically claiming they are experts in this or that, usually though no better than anybody else. At first it angered me and made me feel bad. I couldn't just praise myself constantly over mundane little accomplishments for hours and days as my US peers used to. After some time though I got used to it and kind of liked it. Just do a little something here or there, write a ton of useless documentation about it and brag about it all the time to everybody. And then also get super excited about "accomplishments" of your colleges or peers at work. Kind of silly, but it really is how things roll in the corporate USA most of the time. Didn't know it was based on education. I have my own private theory regarding US success story after WW2. Because im sure it's not because of its people. It must be something else. The theory is that US hasn't been destroyed during ww2. Its currency got world reserve currency status. What's the difference between country with a world reserve currency and rest of the world? USA gets super cheap credit earned or not 24/7. The whole world must buy US Treasuries that are used as credit for US companies and people. Example: Czech Government wants to buy oil from Saudi Arabia. They have to convert their currency into USD, then buy oil. They can't use any other currency for this. They or anybody else in the world. However dumb, your startup idea, remember you get the funding because some sucker country imported your USD-denominated debt to buy resources. Even monkeys would be rich scratching their 3-letter-end, if the whole world had to buy their debt. Once the crisis is over and we get back to the gold standard, US citiznes will wake up to the much different reality. With no free money floating from rest of the world.
ChristianMarks 14y ago
Where I grew up, no accomplishment was good enough. It took a while before the amnesia of age set in, and I began to forget the pervasive pointlessness of effort that I was supposed to have absorbed. But one lesson coming out of this experience I did not forget. I was determined never to start a family. I succeeded.
chill1 14y ago
I posted this as a reply to the article itself, but I feel I should post it here as well, in case it just gets buried there. To me, the OP's post is clearly a cry for help, guidance, a "wtf do I do next?" Been there.. You know what you need to do? Treat life itself like a video game. Win. Stop what you're doing right now. Think really hard about what winning would be for YOU. Write that down on a piece of paper. Done? Good.. now figure out how to get there. I, too, had a great affection, possibly obsession, with video games at a similar point in my life. I had these grand ideas for video games that I'd like to play, but didn't exist yet. So, I started figuring out what it would take to make them. Now, roughly 6 years later, I'm not in game development, but I am building complex web applications and doing a lot of very interesting things. And, you know what? I'm happy. You have the drive. Make happiness happen. Don't wait for it to come to you.
drivebyacct2 14y ago
I'm really disappointed to see someone addicted to video games and unable to prioritize being used as this proselytizing platform in the comments here.
lowglow 14y ago
Favorite thing I like to remind myself day to day is: Everyone is unique, nobody is special. It really helps to put things in perspective.

139 points by mtoddh 14y ago

kiba 14y ago

I look at most games as the evil. They provide the illusion of power or change in your life, but nothing really change outside of your game. Nothing improve other than your stats. So instead of just playing game, I also make them. With making video games, I learn all sort of thing applicable to programming and real life. The game I am working on will enlighten players with a simulation of infantry combat. (suppressive fire, maneuvering, covers, spacing, etc)

EvilLook 14y ago
None of that is unique to games. Replace "games" with "books", "movies", "opera", "stage plays", or "pop music" and you have the exact same argument.
- philwelch 14y ago
  No, not at all. A game is an environment in which you actually do things and generate some sort of result, however artificial. Everything you listed is inherently passive--you just observe it happen in front of you, no action from you is really necessary.
  - rmk2 14y ago
    At least for books, some people vehemently disagree with you: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reader_response https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reader_response And for (well known and respected) people also extending above theory to art, music, history and cinema: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reader_response#Extensions https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reader_response#Extensions
    - philwelch 14y ago
      If you want to abstract and equivocate enough, you can say anything. I'm just speaking plainly.
oinksoft 14y ago
Surprisingly, not everybody seeks change and accomplishment with every moment. An escape can be nice. Also, "Nothing improve other than your stats" ... maybe you are thinking only of WoW-type games that reward time spent playing more than anything else.
Evbn 14y ago
Your solution to the games being not very productive, is to glorify and promote destruction? OK....
angersock 14y ago
This is a field already well-served by ARMA and whatnot--why not try pushing the envelope in other ways?

tesmar2 14y ago

> Except in video games. In video games greatness is inevitable. The underlying assumption here is incorrect, that is, that greatness involves saving the world in some epic way. I, however, see greatness in one who sacrifices himself for another, no matter how small the task. From the stay-at-home mom who spends most of her time caring for a small child to Captain Kirk's father who sacrificed himself for the whole ship (newest ST movie), there is greatness to be found in all of them, and one is not necessarily greater than the other, for they both involve elevating the other's interests above your own.

danso 14y ago
Why is his assumption incorrect because you have a different worldview?
- tesmar2 14y ago
  His assumption is that the only greatness worth achieving is in the video game world, the kind where some hero goes off to save the world. My assertion is that the best kind of greatness is the one where a man sacrifices in some way for another, leading to the other's betterment/rescue/etc. So, in this sense, one could save the world very selfishly and that would be a diminished greatness compared to a son who takes a leave of absence from work to care for his dying father.
  - Androsynth 14y ago
    no, he is saying that video games give him the simple pleasure of watching stats go up as he performs repetitive tasks. He derives pleasure from simple, yet ultimately hollow achievements because that is the type of praise he was raised on.
    - danso 14y ago
      Yes this is what I'm alluding to. No offense meant at the parent comment, whose worldview I respect...I'm just saying that what you disagree with the OP on is not a mistaken assumption, but a different frame of reference...

speeder 14y ago

We live in a honorless world. There can be no honor, when there is no shame. We live in a world, where children are told that "E" stands for Effort.

darkchasma 14y ago
Good. Honor is a social construct used to enforce control on the weak, and shame those who choose not to conform.

GuiA 14y ago

We lived in the US for a couple years when I was in grade school. My parents always laughed and mocked the stickers that my teacher would put on our assignments: "Great Job!", "You're the best!", "#1". (almost 20 years later, it is still a recurring joke in my family). An English professor of mine in college loved to dissect differences between the French and English language, and how they highlighted the differences in how anglo-saxon cultures and French culture approach education. French schools mark out of 20 (0 being worst, 20 being best); but no one ever gets 20. In middle and high school, getting 17 or 18 is already stupendous; in college, top students rarely ever go above 15, and some professors skew their grading to rarely give out marks above 10 in order to toughen up students. On the other hand, getting an A or a 100% in a US college class is not all that hard. In French, we also often use the verb "to perfect" ("se parfaire") to mean "improve"; for instance, "I'm taking classes to perfect my English". I don't believe I've ever encountered that construction in English (if it is grammatically correct, then it is infinitely rarer) My professor's main point being that in French culture, perfection is something we strive towards, but never achieve; whereas in anglo-saxon culture, it is something fully within reach. I was never a straight A student; in middle and high school, my grades would rarely go above 14/20; in college, they were more around 12/20. I did finish my undergrad in a British institution, where my marks immediately skyrocketed and I graduated with the highest honors (ha). In grad school (US), I got a B or two, but they always were from some tough foreign professors. By contrast, I dated an American girl for a while who had always been a straight A student in middle/high school (graduated valedictorian) and college (graduated on the dean's roll etc. etc.). Her blaring success stopped right as she graduated college though; she quickly fell in deep depression at that point due to the stark contrast with what she experienced and the professional world. Addendum: Differences between the French (and European to some extent) and American culture have fascinated me for the past few years, as I grew up in a pluricultural environment in the later years, but very French in my early years (and as I slowly become a functioning adult, understanding what shaped my youth and education is interesting to me). To anyone interested in that question, I recommend the book "Bringing Up Bébé" by Pamela Druckerman, which is about a British/American couple discovering French parenting and contrasting it with their own. It is pop-cultury and light on actual research, but does contain interesting insights. Any recommendations on that same topic are very welcome :)

14y ago

shubhamjain 14y ago

Cant agree more! I have always hated video games but this game called Braid caught my attention. Being highly addicted to this puzzler, i finished it in a week and i remember what i felt. I felt like a genius, like i did which no one could, but my brother, he finished before me. Video games can make you feel like someone but as soon as you get beaten in your game, the dirty old feeling will be back.

evdawg 14y ago

I think this is another case of "Failures were justified and assigned an appropriate cause". In reality, the author didn't have the discipline to balance work and entertainment. This sounds like tantamount lazyness to me; who doesn't want to be having "fun" all the time instead of work or school? I have difficulty putting it into words but this sounds like one big excuse blaming society/parents/school for his failures rather than himself, which is where they lie.

PaperclipTaken 14y ago
It's hard to expect him (looking at the child growing up, and the kid in college less than the adult) to know how to balance work and entertainment when he was never taught these things. Discipline isn't something that you are born with, and if nobody is there to teach it to you then you have to teach it to yourself. It sounds to me like the author is beginning to learn his lessons, but that doesn't change the failures of his childhood parents/mentors who clearly did not adequately prepare him for college. One of the reasons that I like college as an institution though is that it is a 'safe' place for you to learn the gaps in your childhood education. It's more or less a safe haven for you to finally be on your own but with still lessened consequences. When you always have a group of people supporting you (like your parents), it's difficult to realize that you lack discipline, and it's difficult to realize the full consequences of your laziness.
- rmrfrmrf 14y ago
  I reject the notion that a child needs to have great parents in order to recognize basic cause and effect. In my opinion, we need to stop perpetuating this idea that children are some kind of tabula rasa that must be filled with knowledge from their parents, as if to say that children are incapable of figuring things out for themselves. This thought process is what the excuse makers in life thrive on.
anonymous 14y ago
In more juvenile terms, I'd put it as "Oh, I'm sorry, let me call the WAAAAAAAAHmbulance". So far I have met very, very few people who didn't have some sort of mental breakdown during their 20s. Attributing it to "youthful idealism", or what have you, sounds rather disingenuous. Also, there are definite problems with the reverse idea of "you're not special, you're just a cog in a machine" -- namely that once you think that way about yourself, you also start thinking that way about other people and then you're thinking of people as things. Besides, you are special. You're just not more special than the guy next to you.

PaperclipTaken 14y ago

I used to struggle with the same thing. Always being told that I was special. Graduating at the top 2% of my high school, slated for MIT, "you'll go far kid." But here I am, feeling normal and useless. I lead a moderate sized club at RPI, but I don't even feel accomplished for it. I haven't seen any of the job offers that I felt were promised to me when I enrolled at the school, I haven't gotten any major internships. As a kid I used to hit the video games pretty hard, but at some point I started to realize how fake the achievements felt. I literally can't stomach playing video games anymore. It feels like taking some sort of numbing drug. I have good memories, and I don't even regret most of the weekends I devoted entirely to video games (and the costs associated). But I feel ill equipped for criticism. Not only am I ill equipped to hear criticism, but my peers are ill equipped to give criticism. Did my speech go well? What could I improve? Even when I can tell that my peers did not like what they saw, it's hard to figure out why, I don't think that some of them even know how to criticize someone within their own mind. I worked a job last summer teaching kids. I still visit from time to time, and the trend of positive reinforcement and lack of criticism seems to be gaining momentum in our youth. My boss would not let me criticize my own students. And this worries me. What happens when everybody hits the real world, ill equipped for the failure that most adults will tell you happens regularly? And what can we do to address the issue without swinging the pendulum in the exact opposite direction, to the fabled 'tiger' parenting that seems to carry it's own hefty share of negative consequences?

Evbn 14y ago
Dude, the economy collapsed. Jobs are a bit tighter at the moment. And mild depression is common in college aged people.
deleted 14y ago
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MordinSolus 14y ago
> But here I am, feeling normal and useless. I lead a moderate sized club at RPI, but I don't even feel accomplished for it. I haven't seen any of the job offers that I felt were promised to me when I enrolled at the school, I haven't gotten any major internships. I struggled with this as well. A big turning point for me was dropping entirely the notion of being entitled to anything. In reality, no one owes me anything just because I think I'm smart or because I think I work hard. On the feeling unaccomplished part, maybe try reading a book like http://www.amazon.com/Mastery-Keys-Success-Long-Term-Fulfillment/dp/0452267560 http://www.amazon.com/Mastery-Keys-Success-Long-Term-Fulfill.... It's sort of a "the goal is the journey" book with some practical advice thrown in. > As a kid I used to hit the video games pretty hard, but at some point I started to realize how fake the achievements felt. I literally can't stomach playing video games anymore. It feels like taking some sort of numbing drug. I have good memories, and I don't even regret most of the weekends I devoted entirely to video games (and the costs associated). Me too! It sucks sometimes because I want to enjoy playing a game but don't. I've found that I can't play games, like Skyrim, that are just time-based grinds. Instead, I play games for the nostalgia, the story, for creativity elements, or for the competition/skill factor. Sometimes even then I feel uneasy playing games because I feel like I should be doing something more productive.. that's a tough feeling to get over. > I worked a job last summer teaching kids. I still visit from time to time, and the trend of positive reinforcement and lack of criticism seems to be gaining momentum in our youth. My boss would not let me criticize my own students. I don't think these things are mutually exclusive. You can certainly criticize and be positive (or at least not negative) about it.

DanBC 14y ago

A good, fee-paying, school for girls in the UK runs "failure week" to let girls know that risk is good; failure will happen; and that you need to be able to work through it. (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-16879336 http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-16879336) Praise effort and work, not just good outcomes, is something that has been mentioned on HN a few times before. What I think would be good (although I welcome correction from anyone with better knowledge of education) is letting bright students help teach slower students. This isn't just for the less able students. Teaching other people strengthens your own skills. You don't have bright bored students causing trouble. You have a teacher more able to help students that need it. Maybe it already happens? I dunno. I went to a school that had pretty heavy streaming.

zimbatm 14y ago

Relatedly, praise hard work, not intelligence. http://www.parentingscience.com/praise-and-intelligence.html http://www.parentingscience.com/praise-and-intelligence.html https://www.stanford.edu/dept/psychology/cgi-bin/drupalm/system/files/Intelligence%20Praise%20Can%20Undermine%20Motivation%20and%20Performance.pdf https://www.stanford.edu/dept/psychology/cgi-bin/drupalm/sys...

guard-of-terra 14y ago

That's because "education" as we know it is bullshit. Instead of finding a talent and teaching you to do something useful it teaches you to do nothing useful for ten years. More so, it benchmarks your ability to do nothing useful and (in some systems) tries to decide whether to let you to finally learn to do something useful or not. I suggest sidestep this and go straight into programming (writing, drawing, whatevering). Call this Minimal Viable Education.

EvilLook 14y ago
The problem is that most people today don't understand what an education is supposed to accomplish. The vast majority of Americans believe that an education should ultimately end with a marketable skill, and as a result students are dissuaded from paths of study that do not end with a directly marketable skill (art school, liberal arts, music school). In a minimally viable education the pressure to not study these things goes away however there is no incentive to produce a student with marketable job skills. I think this is okay because school should have never been about job training. An education should prepare you for job training and job training should teach you a marketable skill. This is not a new concept; guilds, apprenticeships, and trade schools have existed for centuries. What is necessary is to de-stigmatize these paths in the modern age and divorce the concept of education from that of job training.
- guard-of-terra 14y ago
  Why study for 16 years to be "prepared for job training"? I think that most people of reason will significantly reduce or outright drop this part of "education", if not pushed hard towards it by the old and inefficient system.
- anonymous 14y ago
  The problem is too many people who think they know what "the problem" is. But I do agree with you on the second and third paragraphs. Like when somebody asks you "but what will I do with quadratic equations later in life?". No, you semi-evolved simian, you don't need to solve quadratic equations later in life, you need a brain that has jumped the hurdle of learning quadratic equations later in life.

gadders 14y ago

Oh boohoo. I'm sorry he lost his Mum, but I think he needs to read this: http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/ http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-yo... EG: #3. You Hate Yourself Because You Don't Do Anything #2. What You Are Inside Only Matters Because of What It Makes You Do

aneth4 14y ago

This is how America ruins it's best children. I know the story so well, I only had to read the title, though I did skim the article to be sure. Children need to be given goals and challenged, not constantly told they are good enough. Children need to be shown a path to improvement, not reassurance on their accomplishments. There's a reason Americans fascinated by movies about hard loving teachers who are proud but never satisfied with their students, like in the Karate Kid or Dead Poets' Society (dating myself there.) Unfortunately we can't bring ourselves to actually challenge our children and sacrifice their short term glee for long term fulfillment.

piqufoh 14y ago

Take home story? For me it's don't tell people (children) they're special when they're not. Love and cherish sure, praise hard work (as mentioned here) definitely, but random "you're great!!" nope. Oh, and maybe work harder and don't play computer games ;)

jballanc 14y ago

I used to think, like the author, that the "everyone gets a trophy" epidemic in America was a major problem. Lately, I've come to realize that this is but half of the problem. The other half is America's growing culture of Celebrity Worship. You see it all over: in the way America's youth treats Facebook and Twitter, in the exponential growth of "reality" shows and "talent" competitions, in the rise of celebrities who are "famous for being famous". With the way that America treats celebrity, not just as something to be desired but something to be expected, it's hard to blame parents for having that "everyone gets a trophy" mentality. The reality is that someone needs to sweep the floors. Someone needs to build the buildings, dig the ditches, and work the assembly line. The fact that America seems to have forgotten how to do those jobs and still maintain a sense of accomplishment, a sense of self-worth, is directly reflected by the employment crisis the country currently finds itself in. When everyone is trying to be a celebrity, you end up with a country full of celebrities and drop-outs, of highly-paid, highly-skilled workers, and McDonalds' cashiers.

Evbn 14y ago
Someone has to flip the burgers. What are you saying, that floor sweepers are too good for that?
javert 14y ago
You treat "America" as some culturally monolithic thing, when it's not. Basically, I always considered the whole "celebrity worship" thing to be for more "lower class" people, and I think there's some truth there.
- evincarofautumn 14y ago
  ‘You treat “America” as some culturally monolithic thing, when it’s not.’ I second this. The United States alone are basically a loose collection of countries held together by the dollar and a certain amount of federal guidance. I use the term “countries” in the broader sense of “land”; they don’t necessarily correspond to state boundaries. And this is to say nothing of the rest of America.

pixl97 14y ago

While in jr. high and high school I helped my father with his business. I saw all the same 'U R SPESHUL' crap dumped on kids and laughed it off. In the working world you have to 'pass' or you may not have cash for dinner. Failures are very common in the real world. You may not make the big sale you were expecting. The company you work for may go out of business. All kinds of things go wrong, raising your children to be resilient is more important then shooting for success. This also means you have to allow your kids to suffer the consequences of their failures too. You don't want them to get hurt, but if you save them from themselves every time, you've taught them that mommy/daddy will bail them out whenever they need it.

edw519 14y ago

I grew up in a house where abundant praise was given for completion of the most mundane of tasks. Failures were justified and assigned an appropriate cause that absolved me of any wrongdoing. Exactly the opposite of my experience. My father never praised us. Ever. My mother rarely did. We were routinely punished for anything less than perfection: homework, grades, even washing the dishes (Do them again! Not clean enough!) And yet they must have been doing something else so subtly that none of us ever noticed. Everything about the way they treated us led each of us to believe that we could accomplish anything, as long as we worked hard enough and didn't expect anything given to us. We were special but not entitled. I sometimes felt angry about how we were treated until one day I realized that they made a great parental sacrifice, exchanging their own popularity for our potential. There both gone now and I think about them every day. Even more so after posts like this one. Thank you, OP.

marknutter 14y ago
I remember hearing recently (I think it was from the book Outliers) that children whose parents tell them their achievements are due to natural ability fair far worse in life than children whose parents tell them their achievements are the result of hard work.
- gcheong 14y ago
  Carol Dweck developed the theory called mindset that shows that how children are praised (for effort, or intelligence) can determine how they approach problems, how long they persist at trying to solve problems, and even whether they will tend to choose to solve new, harder problems or choose to re-solve ones they already know. http://mindsetonline.com/ http://mindsetonline.com/
- ryanmolden 14y ago
  This was probably taken from the work of Carol Dweck[0]. I recently read a book she wrote (Mindset[1]) that was recommended on a thread here. The book title sounds like some corny self-help book, and honestly some of the stories in it seemed a bit sappy to me, but I think the underlying idea is solid and I definitely see it myself a lot in my day to day life (full disclosure: recovering fixed mindset person :)). The basic premise is there are two types of mindsets, a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. Those with the fixed mindset are those that believe that intelligence, ability, etc.. is basically fixed. You have some certain amount and that's that. The growth mindset believes the general range of these things may be strongly influenced ('fixed') by things like genetics, life circumstances, etc... but improvement within this range is definitely possible and the key to that is hard work and honest assessment of where you are relative to where you want to be. This relates to the achievement vs. hard work thing because she claims children who are praised for 'being smart' or 'being good at X' tend to gravitate towards the fixed mindset (i.e. 'I get praised because I am smart, I am smart because I can do X well/X comes easily to me, if something doesn't come easily to me it must mean I am not smart/talented'). This causes them to not put in effort when the going gets tough and in fact to avoid challenges because if they fail they view it as a judgement on their core self/competency (not simply an indication of an area for growth). The growth mindset folks (children praised for doing well because they worked hard at it as opposed to some natural talent or 'smarts') tend to seek challenges as they view them as the engine of growth/improvement. Using these frameworks as a lens on which to view human behavior can be interesting. I have definitely seen both mindsets in action (in myself and others). I definitely , consciously, try to stay in a growth mindset now, but I think our culture heavily pushes a fixed mindset where someone either has 'it' or they don't, they are smart or they are not, they are talented or they are not. We prefer the 'instant success due to massive talent/smarts' story over the 'worked their ass off for years to build amazing talent and then succeeded due to that hard work'. The book Talent Is Overrated[2] also touches on this and points out most people that we generally consider 'naturals' at things, if you interview them/study them/look at their past, all have something in common, a tremendous amount of effort in learning/training, above and beyond what most people put in. This also veers towards the 10,000 hour theory of Anders Ericsson[3] EDIT: Fixed a bunch typos/misspelling I saw in re-reading. Originally typed in IE with no spell check. Area for improvement: spelling. [0] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carol_Dweck http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carol_Dweck [1] http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1357405796&sr=8-1&keywords=mindset+the+new+psychology+of+success http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/... [2] http://www.amazon.com/Talent-Overrated-World-Class-Performers-EverybodyElse/dp/1591842948/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1357406433&sr=1-1&keywords=talent+is+overrated http://www.amazon.com/Talent-Overrated-World-Class-Performer... [3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K._Anders_Ericsson http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K._Anders_Ericsson

danenania 14y ago

The problem with many Americans, and wealthy people more generally, is that they're spoiled rotten to the extent that they are brainwashed into believing that how much monopoly money they take home and how much respect a bunch of other spoiled rotten people give them indicate success or failure in life. Meanwhile people are starving and dying in wars all over the world. There's no such thing as success or failure in a wealthy country. It's all meaningless. There are just a bunch of people who are well taken care of and given an addictive, stressful game to play so they don't rock the boat.

guard-of-terra 14y ago
You can still change the world in various ways.
walshemj 14y ago
there's no such thing as " failure in a wealthy country." sorry what planet are you on - there are plenty of people who fall though the gaps in the USA and the UK. Unless you think the homeless guy I see sleeping behind the pret a manger in holbourn is some kind of success story

OldSchool 14y ago

I believe this culture arose in 90's as a reaction to the 70's where in the US, the education system mainstreamed almost everyone and praise was nonexistent. Today's 40-50 y/o so-called rocket scientist sat through exactly the same coursework, at the same pace, as the lowest passable student. Some schools even placed everyone in the same large room regardless of age. To make things worse, grading was heavily weighted on rote assignments being completed; boredom could turn a 99th percentile tester into a C student and nothing was done. Somehow though college admission was surprisingly objective. You could get into a respected public engineering school with any GPA if your SAT score was high enough. The opposite is true now, where GPA is who you are "intellectually," and "honors" courses that allow you to get a 5.0 on a 4.0 scale almost ensure that the valedictorian will have more than a 4.0/4.0 GPA. Compliant, hard workers can grow up thinking they're also PhD material. There is some validation in real life for the old system however. "Success" in real life is mostly just showing up consistently and having social skills to keep your customers (or bosses) happy. Like ideas, raw intellectual horsepower doesn't go far without execution.

rdl 14y ago
Heh, I remember the "honors 5.0" thing being really hilarious in high school -- it actually penalized people for taking an extra language class (for which honors wasn't offered), so the valedictorian basically was the person who took all honors (there were a fair number) and took the absolute minimum of electives. I'm glad I dropped out :)

ruswick 14y ago

I think that his problem is that he has always sought external validation. He wanted the world to affirm his greatness. This isn't likely to happen. The occupational world is interested only in treating one as a fungible resource. The world doesn't really care about many individuals, and they probably won't make an effort to validate them unless they do something remarkable. Instead of trying to asses his merit through artificial criteria or measurements, he should strive for internal validation. He should find what makes him feel good, and pursue it. This is distinct from what brings him pleasure. Pursuing only pleasure had, in his case, turned out poorly. Moreover, I think that strict hedonism isn't congruous with the human condition: everyone needs aspirations and accomplishments. On the education system: yeah, it's a mess. The chief problem is its inefficiency. I recall statistic stating that 70% of knowledge learned in school is lost throughout one's lifetime, and that only 3% is actively applied in one's day-to-day life or occupation. I'm not sure about the veracity of this, but I think that, regardless of the actual numbers, it's a fairly intuitive conclusion that the education system is a travesty. This is derived from the increasing specificity as one ascends our various educational institutions. The foundational information: basic arithmetic, introductory english skills, ect. are applicable to almost all careers and lifestyles. Then, as science and history are thrown in and math becomes more complex, the content begins to lose its applicability. Then, at the secondary level, the information becomes so esoteric as to practically useless to everyone. Calculus is used in an incredibly small number of occupations, and could safely be relegated to the collegiate level. And yet, it is arguable the centerpiece of the education system. The same could be said about lab science. English, on the other hand, is a pivotal educational domain that is pertinent to one's success throughout school, but focuses on the wrong things. The various structures and constructs of english are emphasized, while the application is marginalized. If anything, the former belies the true nature of language: to communicate effectively. And yet, so little actual communication is done throughout schools as to be laughable. I recall never being given more than 1-2 essays per semester throughout middle and early high school. It's illogical to impress the specifics of the english language on students without compelling them to use those specifics. This is why I love my current english course: it focuses almost exclusively on argumentative analysis and writing. The issue is not that these academic domains are unto themselves valueless or that they should not be taught. On the contrary, I find most of my courses to be incredibly edifying, and that even superfluous information has innate value. However, the function of the education system is not to instill knowledge for knowledge's sake, but to produce capable individuals prepared for the real world.

CKKim 14y ago

I believe the problem is in the way we make "special", or "intelligent", or any one of countless others, an actual part of a person's identity. I'd like to get away from describing the individual and instead concentrate on their specific achievements. It may not make us feel very good about ourselves, but it's a great deal more precise, and it focuses on reality rather than cherry-picked descriptors to encapsulate a "character". Every time I read an 'about' section of a personal site and see something along the lines of "I'm a blogger, a technology geek, a cyclist, a photographer, and a serial dabbler" I wrinkle my nose a little because it seems like they're writing the person they want to be, rather than focusing on what they have to show for it.

Delmania 14y ago

One of a key tenants of the parenting style my wife and I use (positive discipline) is that you encourage and do not praise. The difference is subtle, but it focuses on the action and not the person. For example, when one of our kids do well in school, we don't say "you're so smart!". Rather, we say "you worked hard for that, good job! keep it up!". When a child fails, we say "I understand you feel bad. What do you think you could have done better?"

helentoomik 14y ago
tenant: occupant (of an apartment, for example) tenet: principle, guideline

ovatsug25 14y ago

There is a difference between feeling "special" and being loved and I think that most Americanized (mine are not American but are def Americanized) is that they think they making us feel special equates to having us feel love. This is not true. You can have your cake and eat it too. You can demand effort and at the same time make the other person feel loved at the same time. This does not mean that they will always feel that way...or that you will be really good at doing that from day one, but I am pretty certain that you can do it. It is very expensive however, as in it will take a lot of time and effort. My previous gf definitely felt loved by her parents and she was there in the architecture until 5 am night after night working like a dog, striving for perfection. If she did not achieve, she would look forward to improving herself. My parents on the other hand, specifically my dad, tried to tell us we were the most handsome, smartest, funniest of the bunch. This was of course not true, and even though I was the smartest for a long time throughout my childhood, it came to bite me in the ass because I never learned anything that didn't come easily to me (thankfully a whole bunch of things did come easily, but still I missed out on so much more.) My mom is not as Americanized, but she had this tendency to tell us that we had to be the best, but didn't know how to communicate and tell us about all the hard work and how it is imperative that you be the worst before you become the best. You need to fail to get going. 1 year of Wellbutrin later, mediocre grades in high school and college, and now in my introduction to the workforce it is still hard to overcome a lot of the habits that this conditioning had on me. I know I have to stick with it, I know I have to suck, I know I have to keep going, but it is hard to do so no matter how aware of the problem I am. Fortunately, I am pretty happy with my life right now, which used to not be the case, and I am way more accepting of the fact that yes, I will suck. I'm a little worried as to how I will feel a few years from now, but really I don't care all that much. I no longer want to be a Zuckerberg, or a Steve Jobs, rather I just want to be happy and make people feel loved while making enough at the point where happiness becomes asymptotic. I also want to be really good at something, but I think I've overcome my needs to be the best, or more precisely, the most recognized. This is doable. My work still sucks. It's going to be a lot of work to be excellent, but fortunately, forgetting about the recognition is great. I wish myself luck. I forgive myself for having been so stupid when I was young. I forgive my parents for having been bad coaches and I try to correct them when they still tell me I'm special and the best (which is becoming a lot harder for them to do...haha). And that's it. The slate is clean! Let's get moving!

xdev 14y ago

OK, I love the tide of unbridled machismo -- here's a little secret: No one is special, but one of the precious gifts we get from our parents or guardians is unconditional love. And given the harsh reality of our situation: that we live in a world which is indifferent to our survival, that it will only briefly remember any of our accomplishments, that we are more likely to go on forever struggling with our own mediocrity, we are deserving of that love and it is invaluable. It is something that (as far as we know), our species creates that is unique. And if it chokes us a little bit and if it stunts our growth, then that is acceptable bargain for the brief memories of peace and happiness that it will create for us, which we can carry with us on our long journey to the grave.

celiac 14y ago

>I want to become the adult I believed I could be. I want video games to become something that helps me change instead of giving me a place to hide This is a growing and misguided sentiment. Being absorbed in and obsessed with video games is the problem, not the content of the games! If you want to grow up you need to collide with the real world. No game is going to become the driver of adulthood. The answer here is to subtract games from your life and go live in the world. Unfortunately there is an "art game" movement indulging in delusions that the right kind of game can rise above the level of crass entertainment and "nourish" the player. This is garbage. You can imbibe the most clever and interest art in the world, but only living in the real world can teach you about the real world. Even education is dangerously "gamified". The difference there is that the world is rigged with many favors for educated people, so you don't have much choice.

guard-of-terra 14y ago
I'm normally opposed to using this concept on HN, but the real world sucks when you're a teen. It's pointless, small, chances that you don't have access to the good parts but there are quite a few bad parts to stumble upon. I don't see why teen won't want to avoid real world. When you get out of school into college, that's the time to emerge.
- celiac 14y ago
  I'm not saying people shouldn't play games. I'm saying people with a gaming problem should stop, not ask for the games to turn them into adults.

jdietrich 14y ago

The author of the piece still doesn't get it. He blames other people for his belief that nothing is his fault, oblivious to the irony of that logic. His twitter bio starts with the words "Trying to figure myself out". He looks inside himself and sees nothing; His reaction to that void is to just keep looking. He wants more than anything in the world to be a game journalist, or a story writer, or an animator, or a game designer, or whatever, which is fine if you're a freshman, but seriously fucked up if you're several years out of college. He hasn't realised that you don't need anyone's permission to write games reviews or make short films or put together a little indie game, you just fucking do it. He is sufficiently preoccupied with the question of identity that he fails to understand that "doing x" precedes "being x". He uses the world "passion" more than anyone who understands the meaning of that word. Put bluntly, he's a pathological narcissist. I feel desperately sorry for the guy, but not as much as I feel sorry for the people who live with him.

Claudus 14y ago
Totally agree, I have several people in my life who seem to have the same attitude, and I've come to the same conclusion: pathological narcissism. My commentary, "Realizing you were foolish in the past does not make you wise in the present."
vacri 14y ago
It's a curious trait amongst what seems to be a lot of gen-Ys. The inability to see the forest for the trees. I remember an online debate with one gen-Yer (I'm an Xer) who I've shared a forum with for years and hence know she's not stupid. The debate was on which gen of the last three had it harder growing up. After I outlined the things the boomers started with and were fundamentally involved in changing (like various forms of civil right movements, the sexual revolution and so forth), the responses I got were things like 'we can't have peanut butter in schools' - intended as an argument as to why it's harder to grow up Y. She couldn't see beyond the trials she had personally had, couldn't empathise with a world she didn't grow up in. The boomers had become this boogeyman that weren't a generation that figured it out as they go (like all generations), but this vague conspiracy to intentionally screw over later generations. I think my favourite part was "We were promised a light at the end of the tunnel and didn't get it unless we worked hard". Well... no generation before was even promised that. You just got 'work hard, deal with it'. There was never an 'it gets better'.

PoliticsJunkie 14y ago

I grew up in Eastern Europe. Then moved to the USA to eventually become an US citizen. In Eastern Europe all kids in school were (and I bet still are) criticized for any error, taught that they are in no way better than anyone else, probably worse. I still remember physics teacher in my high-school claiming that F grade is for most of us imbecyls, D if we learn really hard, C for geniuses, he/she (the teacher) may be good for B, and Einstein was A :-) People not only in Easter Europe, but I noticed also in Western Europe and Asia tend to critize each other. It's funny because when you hit the US with true imbecyls around you, you will be astonished how dumb they are and how far they can get basically claiming they are experts in this or that, usually though no better than anybody else. At first it angered me and made me feel bad. I couldn't just praise myself constantly over mundane little accomplishments for hours and days as my US peers used to. After some time though I got used to it and kind of liked it. Just do a little something here or there, write a ton of useless documentation about it and brag about it all the time to everybody. And then also get super excited about "accomplishments" of your colleges or peers at work. Kind of silly, but it really is how things roll in the corporate USA most of the time. Didn't know it was based on education. I have my own private theory regarding US success story after WW2. Because im sure it's not because of its people. It must be something else. The theory is that US hasn't been destroyed during ww2. Its currency got world reserve currency status. What's the difference between country with a world reserve currency and rest of the world? USA gets super cheap credit earned or not 24/7. The whole world must buy US Treasuries that are used as credit for US companies and people. Example: Czech Government wants to buy oil from Saudi Arabia. They have to convert their currency into USD, then buy oil. They can't use any other currency for this. They or anybody else in the world. However dumb, your startup idea, remember you get the funding because some sucker country imported your USD-denominated debt to buy resources. Even monkeys would be rich scratching their 3-letter-end, if the whole world had to buy their debt. Once the crisis is over and we get back to the gold standard, US citiznes will wake up to the much different reality. With no free money floating from rest of the world.

ChristianMarks 14y ago

Where I grew up, no accomplishment was good enough. It took a while before the amnesia of age set in, and I began to forget the pervasive pointlessness of effort that I was supposed to have absorbed. But one lesson coming out of this experience I did not forget. I was determined never to start a family. I succeeded.

chill1 14y ago

I posted this as a reply to the article itself, but I feel I should post it here as well, in case it just gets buried there. To me, the OP's post is clearly a cry for help, guidance, a "wtf do I do next?" Been there.. You know what you need to do? Treat life itself like a video game. Win. Stop what you're doing right now. Think really hard about what winning would be for YOU. Write that down on a piece of paper. Done? Good.. now figure out how to get there. I, too, had a great affection, possibly obsession, with video games at a similar point in my life. I had these grand ideas for video games that I'd like to play, but didn't exist yet. So, I started figuring out what it would take to make them. Now, roughly 6 years later, I'm not in game development, but I am building complex web applications and doing a lot of very interesting things. And, you know what? I'm happy. You have the drive. Make happiness happen. Don't wait for it to come to you.

drivebyacct2 14y ago

I'm really disappointed to see someone addicted to video games and unable to prioritize being used as this proselytizing platform in the comments here.

lowglow 14y ago

Favorite thing I like to remind myself day to day is: Everyone is unique, nobody is special. It really helps to put things in perspective.