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One thing that bugs me is people who can't take a compliment. I wish they would just say 'thanks' or 'glad you liked' when someone commends their efforts, but i

by Tycho 14y ago

One thing that bugs me is people who can't take a compliment. I wish they would just say 'thanks' or 'glad you liked' when someone commends their efforts, but instead they dismiss the praise. Real humility can be annoying, too.

Mz 14y ago
I am really bad at taking a compliment. It has nothing to do with humility. It has to do with having been consistently and badly burned over it. Lots of people do not give sincere compliments. Instead, any nice things they say are just a manipulative ploy of some sort. And even if it is sincere, if done publically, someone else is highly likely to kick the shit out of me if I try to say "thanks" instead of ignoring it or downplaying it. YMMV, but I am terrible at this and I don't feel it is merely neurotic.
- RegEx 14y ago
  Wow, sounds like you've hung out with a tough crowd. There's nothing wrong with being proud of your work, and I'm terribly sorry some rude people have tried to take that away from you through such dishonest means. Keep your chin up :)
  - Mz 14y ago
    Most of that has been on the Internet. I was seemingly popular in certain online forums. I found that just trying to be genuine and talk with people and say "thanks" when complimented fueled ugly attacks from folks who weren't fans. The attacks dropped off when I stopped saying things like "thanks" but it also left me in a position where most people seem to not know how to talk to me at all. I am only just now making in roads into getting people to actually talk to me again. It has been very very tough. But it seems to be improving.
    - 13rules 14y ago
      1) Respond to genuine compliments with genuine appreciation 2) Ignore the haters
      - Mz 14y ago
        Thank you. Unfortunately, 2 does not work for my goals. Therefore, 1 does not either (I mean in public situations, on the Internet). For me, a partial answer is that I need to find a means to get attention off me, personally, and onto a body of work. The tricky part is that "leading by example" tends to keep me, personally, under discussion for some things. I am still working on it, but I had a fantastic epiphany from wearing a tweety bird shirt some months ago. It has been slow going and frustrating but I feel I am making progress.
        illuminate 14y ago
        "Unfortunately, 2 does not work for my goals" Why not? "For me, a partial answer is that I need to find a means to get attention off me, personally, and onto a body of work." I'd suggest focusing more on your body of work, and less on the personal aspects that draw people away from it. From seeing some of your posts, I admit that the confessional nature of many can be distracting and you'd do better to avoid giving persons more information than is necessary.
        Mz 14y ago
        Attempting to answer your stated question would likely fall under the "confessional nature" of posts which you have made it clear you view negatively. So I think it unlikely to be a productive conversation, for either of us. Which is unfortunate.
        RegEx 14y ago
        You honestly sound a bit dramatic here. Make sure you don't make the issue bigger than what it is.
        14y ago
    - RegEx 14y ago
      It's hard to develop a thick skin. I get my feelings legitimately hurt by people, even online. I don't deal with confrontation well at all. The best I can do is make sure I don't instigate conflict needlessly, and be sure to hang around nice people.
      - Mz 14y ago
        My skin is pretty thick. That doesn't change the fact that a big enough "fire" is potentially dangerous, not just for me but also for other people. I loathe confrontation but I deal with it pretty well. That isn't really the issue.
- illuminate 14y ago
  "And even if it is sincere, if done publically, someone else is highly likely to kick the shit out of me if I try to say "thanks" instead of ignoring it or downplaying it." That's a strange definition of sincerity.
  - Mz 14y ago
    I don't understand your point. Are you saying it is not possible to say something nice publically and mean it? I don't think that's true. I just know it does not work for me to publically thank such a person because it draws ugliness from other people. That doesn't suggest to me that the individual who said something nice was being insincere.
    - illuminate 14y ago
      I'm saying that if it's impossible to publicly thank someone for a sincere kindness without retribution that perhaps a better solution is revamping your social/professional circle?
      - Mz 14y ago
        That approach, which I do use, is only partially helpful. I am clear about what is going on. I am also reasonably clear what needs to happen to resolve it. But knowing that information doesn't happen to instantaneously cause it to occur. "Rome wasn't built in a day."
dalke 14y ago
I played piano when I was a kid. At a recital, I knew all of the mistakes I made when I was up on stage. People came up to me afterwards and complimented me for how well I did. They said nothing of the mistakes. Either they were not good enough to hear the problems and giving compliments because that's what one does in these sorts of things, or they were being polite and not talking about the obvious problems. I've since learned better than that. But back then, if you complimented me without given a decent critique, either you were in the first category, in which case I would dismiss the praise because you were unqualified to give it; or in the second category, in which case I would dismiss you for telling me white lies.
dcminter 14y ago
Stephen Fry has an interesting anecdote about receiving compliments here: http://www.stephenfry.com/2007/09/27/let-fame/single-page/ http://www.stephenfry.com/2007/09/27/let-fame/single-page/

by Tycho 14y ago

Mz 14y ago

I am really bad at taking a compliment. It has nothing to do with humility. It has to do with having been consistently and badly burned over it. Lots of people do not give sincere compliments. Instead, any nice things they say are just a manipulative ploy of some sort. And even if it is sincere, if done publically, someone else is highly likely to kick the shit out of me if I try to say "thanks" instead of ignoring it or downplaying it. YMMV, but I am terrible at this and I don't feel it is merely neurotic.

RegEx 14y ago
Wow, sounds like you've hung out with a tough crowd. There's nothing wrong with being proud of your work, and I'm terribly sorry some rude people have tried to take that away from you through such dishonest means. Keep your chin up :)
- Mz 14y ago
  Most of that has been on the Internet. I was seemingly popular in certain online forums. I found that just trying to be genuine and talk with people and say "thanks" when complimented fueled ugly attacks from folks who weren't fans. The attacks dropped off when I stopped saying things like "thanks" but it also left me in a position where most people seem to not know how to talk to me at all. I am only just now making in roads into getting people to actually talk to me again. It has been very very tough. But it seems to be improving.
  - 13rules 14y ago
    1) Respond to genuine compliments with genuine appreciation 2) Ignore the haters
    - Mz 14y ago
      Thank you. Unfortunately, 2 does not work for my goals. Therefore, 1 does not either (I mean in public situations, on the Internet). For me, a partial answer is that I need to find a means to get attention off me, personally, and onto a body of work. The tricky part is that "leading by example" tends to keep me, personally, under discussion for some things. I am still working on it, but I had a fantastic epiphany from wearing a tweety bird shirt some months ago. It has been slow going and frustrating but I feel I am making progress.
      - illuminate 14y ago
        "Unfortunately, 2 does not work for my goals" Why not? "For me, a partial answer is that I need to find a means to get attention off me, personally, and onto a body of work." I'd suggest focusing more on your body of work, and less on the personal aspects that draw people away from it. From seeing some of your posts, I admit that the confessional nature of many can be distracting and you'd do better to avoid giving persons more information than is necessary.
        Mz 14y ago
        Attempting to answer your stated question would likely fall under the "confessional nature" of posts which you have made it clear you view negatively. So I think it unlikely to be a productive conversation, for either of us. Which is unfortunate.
        RegEx 14y ago
        You honestly sound a bit dramatic here. Make sure you don't make the issue bigger than what it is.
        14y ago
  - RegEx 14y ago
    It's hard to develop a thick skin. I get my feelings legitimately hurt by people, even online. I don't deal with confrontation well at all. The best I can do is make sure I don't instigate conflict needlessly, and be sure to hang around nice people.
    - Mz 14y ago
      My skin is pretty thick. That doesn't change the fact that a big enough "fire" is potentially dangerous, not just for me but also for other people. I loathe confrontation but I deal with it pretty well. That isn't really the issue.
illuminate 14y ago
"And even if it is sincere, if done publically, someone else is highly likely to kick the shit out of me if I try to say "thanks" instead of ignoring it or downplaying it." That's a strange definition of sincerity.
- Mz 14y ago
  I don't understand your point. Are you saying it is not possible to say something nice publically and mean it? I don't think that's true. I just know it does not work for me to publically thank such a person because it draws ugliness from other people. That doesn't suggest to me that the individual who said something nice was being insincere.
  - illuminate 14y ago
    I'm saying that if it's impossible to publicly thank someone for a sincere kindness without retribution that perhaps a better solution is revamping your social/professional circle?
    - Mz 14y ago
      That approach, which I do use, is only partially helpful. I am clear about what is going on. I am also reasonably clear what needs to happen to resolve it. But knowing that information doesn't happen to instantaneously cause it to occur. "Rome wasn't built in a day."

dalke 14y ago

I played piano when I was a kid. At a recital, I knew all of the mistakes I made when I was up on stage. People came up to me afterwards and complimented me for how well I did. They said nothing of the mistakes. Either they were not good enough to hear the problems and giving compliments because that's what one does in these sorts of things, or they were being polite and not talking about the obvious problems. I've since learned better than that. But back then, if you complimented me without given a decent critique, either you were in the first category, in which case I would dismiss the praise because you were unqualified to give it; or in the second category, in which case I would dismiss you for telling me white lies.

dcminter 14y ago

Stephen Fry has an interesting anecdote about receiving compliments here: http://www.stephenfry.com/2007/09/27/let-fame/single-page/ http://www.stephenfry.com/2007/09/27/let-fame/single-page/