6 ms·

I'll cast a dissenting opinion. Do you really, honestly think the author will be happy - and for long (say more than 2 years, after the initial thrill of doing

by guylhem 14y ago

I'll cast a dissenting opinion. Do you really, honestly think the author will be happy - and for long (say more than 2 years, after the initial thrill of doing something odd and new)? It does not looks like a sane relation to me, but more like a relation based on needs - such as the need to "save" someone (frequent with young upperclass women) or such as a profound emotional need to display love. "I'll throw myself in front of a bus for her if she wants it" - this doesn't looks like a good thing to say about a relationship - especially about a relationship with someone hearing voices who might recommend such things. Are normal persons (or life) so boring that one needs to import another person problems - especially unfixable problems given the state of our technology regarding schizophrenia? (my cousin has a severe form and spends most of his time in various institutions)

DanBC 14y ago
> "I'll throw myself in front of a bus for her if she wants it" - this doesn't looks like a good thing to say about a relationship I tend to agree. But it's something that common to many relationships, not just those involving people in unhealthy relationships. > - especially about a relationship with someone hearing voices who might recommend such things. I'm not sure people with a psychotic illness recommend directly that another person should throw themselves in front of a literal bus. And I hope that OP has enough insight to recognise when the (metaphorical) bus is real or a product of illness. > Are normal persons (or life) so boring that one needs to import another person problems - especially unfixable problems given the state of our technology regarding schizophrenia? I am not talking about the OP here. With that disclaimer out of the way: sometimes life with someone who has a severe mental illness is just more fun; it's more exciting; there's more stuff to do. This can be useful - you go to different places and experience life in a different way. Or it can be unhealthy, with dependence and enabling and people wanting to "fix" others and getting locked into a cycle of recovery and relapse. The pre-mania phase of bi-polar can be incredibly productive for some people.
berntb 14y ago
>>Do you really, honestly think the author will be happy - and for long I don't give that good odds for their happiness. But as good odds as I give my self. It is 9 months in, the author and the woman are incredibly in love. Many people never get that, at all. Ever. I had it and lost it. So I disagree with your dissenting opinion. It is worth trying. The hard part is to leave failed relationships before getting so much scars that you will be emotionally dysfunctional after the mourning phase. If their relationship fails, I hope they get out ok. [edit: The failure modes here seems as _the_ scary part.] And now a New Year resolution that will garner me many an upvote -- talk computer stuff on HN. :-)
leamsisetroc 14y ago
As someone who is in love with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Your general idea... the way the author is handling the relationship won't make him happy in the long run. That phrase you highlighted ("throw myself in front of a bus") also impressed me when I read the post. It tells me that the author himself should get some help. If there's something I've learned after more than a year of being together with someone with a mental problem is that you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of somebody else, otherwise you're both going to drown in problems.
- sneak 14y ago
  A million billion times this.
lilsunnybee 14y ago
Is someone with severe health issues not allowed to have love in their lives? Mental illness presents unique problems to a relationship, but the one suffering is still a person, who deserves to have a bit of happiness. The author said they'd already tried a bunch of dating outlets with no success, and then they found this wonderful woman that they fell in love with Believe it or not people with mental illnesses have wishes and hopes and dreams too, and having a partner nearby that loves you can make some things a whole lot easier, and make life seem worth living even in the toughest times.
lilsunnybee 14y ago
and God did you really not get that the bus thing was just meant to represent how much he loved this woman? This is something people say about others they love deeply.
gaustin 14y ago
I was diagnosed with schizo-affective and bipolar disorders when I was 19. I was on disability until I was 26 (I am now almost 31), even though I worked part time as a software developer through that entire period. I've managed to live a pretty "normal" life so far, even with my health issues. I have both Bachelor's and Master's degrees. I've been with my wife for 5 years so far. I've held down jobs pretty well, with ever-increasing levels of responsibility. I have healthy hobbies that take quite a bit of attention but do not become overriding obsessions. My wife and I have different struggles than most other couples. She is most definitely not with me because it's novel, nor to "save" me or any other sort of co-dependent nonsense. Schizophrenia may not be fixable, but it is controllable to a degree and with care it doesn't have to mean a life in institutions or a life without a satisfying career.
- Benferhat 14y ago
  How does the Schizophrenia present itself in your daily life? I'd love to hear some examples so I can better understand your experience.
  - gaustin 14y ago
    First I have to say that my symptoms have been pretty well-controlled for years. After my diagnosis I lost a lot of weight and became very physically active. This seems to have helped in a miraculous way (according to several doctors). Managing stress, sleeping well, eating well and keeping active seem to work as good or better for me than medications. I have mild hallucinations. Pretty regularly I have odd physical sensations, like the skin on my legs is sloughing off or very convincing body dysmorphia. Stuff like this is worst when it keeps me awake. Exercise or a hot shower tend to fix this. When I am really stressed out I have some auditory (usually more or less ambient noise) and visual (usually motion at the corner of my vision) hallucinations. The visual/auditory hallucinations usually only kick in when working 50+ hours a week for extended periods and worried about personal things. To minimize these periods, I work super hard when I am working and try to keep complications to a minimum. I'm sure it has held my career back somewhat not to have the same capacity for work hours as others. (Yes, 50+ hours a week is minimal for a lot of people, but for me I need that extra time to relax and recuperate.) The last visual/auditory hallucinations I had were pretty recent. The past couple of months required some 60ish hour weeks, I had a good deal of disrupted sleep and my wife had some health problems. I have strict routines. When they are broken I tend to get upset. For example, I have a rigorous exercise routine. When it snows and it makes it harder to get to the gym or out for a run, I get disproportionately angry. I eat things in a very particular way, if someone disrupts this I get angry and will probably tell them about it. I don't like it when people repeat what I say unless I explicitly give them permission. An example is that my wife might discuss something with me and then discuss that with someone else, and include my view on the subject. That upsets me. I do not struggle much (at all?) with paranoia or catatonia. There is some more, but I'm not super comfortable sharing in a public venue where potential future employers are likely to see. I recognize all of these things are not normal. Over the years I've built up a good set of filters that keeps most people from even noticing. That's not to say I bottle up the reaction, it's just that I've built in some mental processes that help keep the keel even.
ScottBurson 14y ago
There are several red flags for me in this post. For example: I could never say anything bad about her. (How could I? There's nothing bad to say.) I'm sure she's a nice person, but no one is perfect. My concern when I hear someone say something like this is that they're in denial about the things they don't like about their partner; and those things will pile up, since they're not getting dealt with, and one day the dam will burst and all those things will spew forth. I am not saying he shouldn't stay with her, but as others here have commented, it would be a very good idea for him to be in therapy. This is going to be a bumpy ride at times, and he is going to have to understand himself better so he can be there for Sally.
alanctgardner2 14y ago
I posted before but I wasn't happy with it; you've about summed up what I had to say. I don't know OP or his girlfriend, but I was with someone with depression for over 2 years. Frankly, my need to help her made things worse; instead of getting out of bed and forced into the cold light of day, she could stay in and I would console her. We both missed class, and work, and there were whole days when I couldn't focus because she had an episode before I left, and I eas afraid she would harm herself. Ultimately, I do think I love her deeply, but since we've parted we've both done much better socially, and she seems more motivated and focused on her treatment. Obviously schizophrenia is a very different situation, and I hope OPs story doesn't go that way, but there are definitely some of the same things I recognized in myself in the first year of our relationship in this post. Hopefully OP can maintain the balance between support and life-long self-sacrifice.

by guylhem 14y ago

DanBC 14y ago

> "I'll throw myself in front of a bus for her if she wants it" - this doesn't looks like a good thing to say about a relationship I tend to agree. But it's something that common to many relationships, not just those involving people in unhealthy relationships. > - especially about a relationship with someone hearing voices who might recommend such things. I'm not sure people with a psychotic illness recommend directly that another person should throw themselves in front of a literal bus. And I hope that OP has enough insight to recognise when the (metaphorical) bus is real or a product of illness. > Are normal persons (or life) so boring that one needs to import another person problems - especially unfixable problems given the state of our technology regarding schizophrenia? I am not talking about the OP here. With that disclaimer out of the way: sometimes life with someone who has a severe mental illness is just more fun; it's more exciting; there's more stuff to do. This can be useful - you go to different places and experience life in a different way. Or it can be unhealthy, with dependence and enabling and people wanting to "fix" others and getting locked into a cycle of recovery and relapse. The pre-mania phase of bi-polar can be incredibly productive for some people.

berntb 14y ago

>>Do you really, honestly think the author will be happy - and for long I don't give that good odds for their happiness. But as good odds as I give my self. It is 9 months in, the author and the woman are incredibly in love. Many people never get that, at all. Ever. I had it and lost it. So I disagree with your dissenting opinion. It is worth trying. The hard part is to leave failed relationships before getting so much scars that you will be emotionally dysfunctional after the mourning phase. If their relationship fails, I hope they get out ok. [edit: The failure modes here seems as _the_ scary part.] And now a New Year resolution that will garner me many an upvote -- talk computer stuff on HN. :-)

leamsisetroc 14y ago

As someone who is in love with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Your general idea... the way the author is handling the relationship won't make him happy in the long run. That phrase you highlighted ("throw myself in front of a bus") also impressed me when I read the post. It tells me that the author himself should get some help. If there's something I've learned after more than a year of being together with someone with a mental problem is that you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of somebody else, otherwise you're both going to drown in problems.

sneak 14y ago
A million billion times this.

lilsunnybee 14y ago

Is someone with severe health issues not allowed to have love in their lives? Mental illness presents unique problems to a relationship, but the one suffering is still a person, who deserves to have a bit of happiness. The author said they'd already tried a bunch of dating outlets with no success, and then they found this wonderful woman that they fell in love with Believe it or not people with mental illnesses have wishes and hopes and dreams too, and having a partner nearby that loves you can make some things a whole lot easier, and make life seem worth living even in the toughest times.

lilsunnybee 14y ago

and God did you really not get that the bus thing was just meant to represent how much he loved this woman? This is something people say about others they love deeply.

gaustin 14y ago

I was diagnosed with schizo-affective and bipolar disorders when I was 19. I was on disability until I was 26 (I am now almost 31), even though I worked part time as a software developer through that entire period. I've managed to live a pretty "normal" life so far, even with my health issues. I have both Bachelor's and Master's degrees. I've been with my wife for 5 years so far. I've held down jobs pretty well, with ever-increasing levels of responsibility. I have healthy hobbies that take quite a bit of attention but do not become overriding obsessions. My wife and I have different struggles than most other couples. She is most definitely not with me because it's novel, nor to "save" me or any other sort of co-dependent nonsense. Schizophrenia may not be fixable, but it is controllable to a degree and with care it doesn't have to mean a life in institutions or a life without a satisfying career.

Benferhat 14y ago
How does the Schizophrenia present itself in your daily life? I'd love to hear some examples so I can better understand your experience.
- gaustin 14y ago
  First I have to say that my symptoms have been pretty well-controlled for years. After my diagnosis I lost a lot of weight and became very physically active. This seems to have helped in a miraculous way (according to several doctors). Managing stress, sleeping well, eating well and keeping active seem to work as good or better for me than medications. I have mild hallucinations. Pretty regularly I have odd physical sensations, like the skin on my legs is sloughing off or very convincing body dysmorphia. Stuff like this is worst when it keeps me awake. Exercise or a hot shower tend to fix this. When I am really stressed out I have some auditory (usually more or less ambient noise) and visual (usually motion at the corner of my vision) hallucinations. The visual/auditory hallucinations usually only kick in when working 50+ hours a week for extended periods and worried about personal things. To minimize these periods, I work super hard when I am working and try to keep complications to a minimum. I'm sure it has held my career back somewhat not to have the same capacity for work hours as others. (Yes, 50+ hours a week is minimal for a lot of people, but for me I need that extra time to relax and recuperate.) The last visual/auditory hallucinations I had were pretty recent. The past couple of months required some 60ish hour weeks, I had a good deal of disrupted sleep and my wife had some health problems. I have strict routines. When they are broken I tend to get upset. For example, I have a rigorous exercise routine. When it snows and it makes it harder to get to the gym or out for a run, I get disproportionately angry. I eat things in a very particular way, if someone disrupts this I get angry and will probably tell them about it. I don't like it when people repeat what I say unless I explicitly give them permission. An example is that my wife might discuss something with me and then discuss that with someone else, and include my view on the subject. That upsets me. I do not struggle much (at all?) with paranoia or catatonia. There is some more, but I'm not super comfortable sharing in a public venue where potential future employers are likely to see. I recognize all of these things are not normal. Over the years I've built up a good set of filters that keeps most people from even noticing. That's not to say I bottle up the reaction, it's just that I've built in some mental processes that help keep the keel even.

ScottBurson 14y ago

There are several red flags for me in this post. For example: I could never say anything bad about her. (How could I? There's nothing bad to say.) I'm sure she's a nice person, but no one is perfect. My concern when I hear someone say something like this is that they're in denial about the things they don't like about their partner; and those things will pile up, since they're not getting dealt with, and one day the dam will burst and all those things will spew forth. I am not saying he shouldn't stay with her, but as others here have commented, it would be a very good idea for him to be in therapy. This is going to be a bumpy ride at times, and he is going to have to understand himself better so he can be there for Sally.

alanctgardner2 14y ago

I posted before but I wasn't happy with it; you've about summed up what I had to say. I don't know OP or his girlfriend, but I was with someone with depression for over 2 years. Frankly, my need to help her made things worse; instead of getting out of bed and forced into the cold light of day, she could stay in and I would console her. We both missed class, and work, and there were whole days when I couldn't focus because she had an episode before I left, and I eas afraid she would harm herself. Ultimately, I do think I love her deeply, but since we've parted we've both done much better socially, and she seems more motivated and focused on her treatment. Obviously schizophrenia is a very different situation, and I hope OPs story doesn't go that way, but there are definitely some of the same things I recognized in myself in the first year of our relationship in this post. Hopefully OP can maintain the balance between support and life-long self-sacrifice.