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This is something I've struggled to understand too - how is it that someone who is always nice to everyone isn't high on the popularity list (they are only reme
by vijayr 14y ago
This is something I've struggled to understand too - how is it that someone who is always nice to everyone isn't high on the popularity list (they are only remembered when needed) whereas someone who only cares about his/her stuff, is popular?
- StavrosK 14y agoBecause being fun to be around, confident, etc is much more desirable to others than being help.
- larrys 14y agoA way to illustrate this would be the nerd in the library helping the pretty girl vs. the jock who gets the girl. The question is what would happen if the jock also helped the girl in the library? Would that make him more or less attractive because he had become attainable?
- StavrosK 14y agoProbably more attractive, but not because he's attainable, just because he's helpful, which is a good quality. If being helpful gives you one point, being confident gives you a hundred. You can be a confident and a bit selfish (but not mean, or a jerk) and still be at around ninety-nine points, which is a lot. I can't give many examples without the context, because they won't come through correctly and people will just think I'm being mean.
- nollidge 14y agoBecause to be popular is to be admired, and nobody admires someone who's desperate for approval.
- larrys 14y agoTrue and this also more or less dovetails with wanting what you can't have as well.
- ZenoArrow 14y agoThis is the core of the issue... the people in question are being misunderstood. Yes, some people crave approval, but there's another group that crave building happiness, and the two are not the same thing.
- jrogers65 14y agoSupply and demand. The nice person is always available so they are cheap.
- CmdrKrool 14y agoPeople prefer to mix with other people that behave in a way that they would like to emulate. Someone that cares about their own stuff, is confident etc, both provides an example to follow and implicitly projects a moral judgment that it's OK for others to live how they do. Someone who hurts themself (question of degree here maybe) to be nice implicitly projects the moral judgment that others should do the same. People don't really want to be like that; being around the person makes them feel guilty, or perhaps they just don't want to appear disagreeable by not reciprocating; they avoid the person except insofar as they might actually want the help being given. Unfortunately (especially so for people who honestly hate themselves and would never explicitly recommend that others emulate their own self-deprecating behaviour) that moral implication - that arises from the reflexive belief that everyone is in control of themselves and so ultimately wouldn't do anything they don't approve of - is not entirely avoidable, since it rests partly in the eye of the beholder.