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I know where you are coming from. I do engage with the society while not in the way you've mentioned. Very regularly attend plays, meet a few friends (the numbe
by litmus-pit-git 29d ago
I know where you are coming from. I do engage with the society while not in the way you've mentioned. Very regularly attend plays, meet a few friends (the number has reduced but these few have been regular), play team/group sports every day. There's place I go to teach twice a week. There are few other things. But let's not get into that. It all feels empty now. Motions. The hope of a personal and intimate future is just gone.
See, the personal life is dead to me (I've not given up, no. It's not just there!). At least what and who would have been accessible to me in 2020 and it was. I spent quite some time to bring my physical fitness, health, got back to sports and I was so happy. There was that glimmer. Then a mass layoff and sadly at the same time the burnout meant I was not ready to look again but I kept on rest of the things. And when I tried to get back to things it was evident that the ground beneath shifted entirely. Now, it seems, there's no point. Not in the defeatist way, because I've seen that "there's no point" before, but in the sense that there is really no point. I am about to be 40 in a few months time and almost every venues are closed to me to explore social life in any meaningful way I'd find desirable. In some settings the fact that I have financially independent and have decades of runaway for my currency and lifestyle doesn't matter. Everything gets tied to employment and even then when you look around, whether it's finding a group or exploring looking for a partner (especially this!), it all feels bizarre and completely alien. It's not only the double whammy of two events that wiped out my early and mid 30s, but it also depends on what society and culture I am in at this juncture. And no it's not my fault or anyone's but this happened, and not being alone in it doesn't make it any better.
Do I feel fortunate? Well, that's the wrong question, because when you are unhappy with your pair of shoes, you can always find someone without any shoes and I wish we functioned that way, with that arithmetic rationality, but we don't; at least I don't.
The biggest problem is - the wish to live this life (I don't even have any doubt there, because if I had it would have been simpler) and wish to do something and dreams of a fulfilling, exciting, and passionate personal life hasn't diminished a bit, but, at the same time it is clear that there's no more of that - most of that. That's the gripe - this tug.
(Hey, thank you for engaging with me. This was very kind of you. Even though this is not really hn discussion material so I can't even explain what I am going through. I might even make it look like everything is fine, and even hunky dory for me, and I am just whining. Or maybe I am).
- mannanj 29d agoHey you're welcome. I enjoyed this. The deep, intimate connection with a stranger (or not) is fulfilling for me - and I feel this is hn discussion material. Technology and what being a hacker was about is changing fast, and beyond that, would we be honest if we said hacking and creating with tech it is disconnected from our personal lives?
- mannanj 29d agoSo what are you looking for? What do you want out of this thing called life? I wonder what advice you would give to yourself now, 20 years from now, and whether you have really lost hope permanently or are just struggling to find it again?
- litmus-pit-git 28d agoThere are vague dreams of some sort of professional fulfilment (call it success as society calls it; monetary gains again ie an income stream; the feeling of making something that is tangible at some level - it might be a software; and definitely not feeling almost obsolete and this time for no fault of mine at all) and all of them get checked by non-vague wish/dream/yearning for personal fulfilment - a partner, a family, possibly a child, a simple house et cetera. The pain is I might already have the money, had I been younger, and if I fight enough might get more. But the rest? Well, the 6-7 years just wiped a lot of things. A lot of these things are not feasible for me now. Not in a setup, or a partner who I'd have wanted to be with - that combo just doesn't exist anymore. That's gone for my existence in this world at this point in time at this age and at this professional and financial status. This is getting muddled. The pain is the time is lost and there were certain fulfilments I'd have wanted to have in this period and that's gone for me. Hah. 20 years later? I'd advise myself to try and go back to 25-28 again and think seriously about getting married or actively date while there was still time and work strictly for money because later either that changes or that'd mean remain stuck in same orgs for long and for what - low salaries and a good team/work? See, I right now want satisfaction and bit of money but I want to tell my younger self to just earn filthy amount of money one way or the other. I can see that disconnect. But had I had "that kind of money" and that could just be, let's just talk numbers for a moment, 2-3x of what I've right now and I could have sped up and make better efforts at getting what I want from my personal life. I am scared I have lost hope for good but if there's something there left I want to try and get that. I am trying everyday. Maybe that's what hope is, or maybe just the meaningless struggle. Hey, thanks again. You too, take care.