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To give other maturation advice to those not yet in their 40s: It's quite likely that you have significant issues you haven't addressed yet. Getting into good

To give other maturation advice to those not yet in their 40s: It's quite likely that you have significant issues you haven't addressed yet. Getting into good medical care, therapy, exercise, and supportive e.g. nutrition, etc is likely more important than virtually anything else you'll do in your life, with a reasonable exception for choosing the right person to spend your life with and having a family. But having a good social life is a hell of a lot easier if you're in great physical and mental shape. I took all of those things very seriously, and I probably did not put enough value into any of those things, even given that orientation. That leads right into: The only thing you can truly exert control over is yourself, and it's quite likely that nearly all of your problems are the result of your choices, either indirectly through the environment you live in or directly through the actions you take. Humility is drastically underrated, and being healthy plays into this enormously as well. That being said, I'd love to hear a perspective from some of the older HN folks - what am I missing as a mid-40s person that I should absolutely be paying attention to?

bitexploder 2mo ago
I am mid 40s. Started working at a hyper scaler a couple years ago. I think you are overthinking it. All there is, is to be present and focus on what is important. And no one else can tell you what is important, you already know. Spend your time wisely with your family or on things that matter to you and not on trivial pursuit. There are no secrets in this. It is largely what you define. When you ask this question of others, you are asking what am I forgetting? What will I regret? They can’t tell you. They can tell you what they regretted it and maybe you will regret those same things they did. But you have to decide. In 10 years. In 20 years. All you have to do is ask your future self what you’re gonna regret that you didn’t do. I had found that we already know the answers to those things. E: think of it this way. And you don’t have to have a dog for these questions to work they’re metaphorical really, but also physical if you do have a dog. Did you walk your dog? Did you play ball with it? If they die tomorrow, will you look back and say that today was good? Did you do everything you could do with your dog? If not go do those things right now don’t leave them undone. That’s all there is. And the same thing works with everything in life. You know what you should’ve done in the day. If you do those things in 10 or 20 years, you won’t look back and say I wish I would’ve done those things cause you’ve done them.
- jonahx 2mo ago
  > When you ask this question of others, you are asking what am I forgetting? What will I regret? They can’t tell you. In one sense yes, but in another sense... humans are just so much alike. You can a learn a ton from your elders' common mistakes. Especially the ones where there's broad agreement. You're probably not an exception. To use your dog metaphor (which I like), would you tell a dog looking for advice (if you could magically communicate with it) to just present and focus on the moment and he'll know what to do. Nah, we know a dog needs lots of walks, to be around other dogs, to eat the right foods, and so on. The two approaches aren't mutually exclusive, but the practical one is... practical.
  - bitexploder 2mo ago
    We do have metacognition and should use. It isn’t like we should go off the rails and become fully hedonic to “live in the moment” for example, we need some guiding principles . And when you are younger it can be really hard to know what is right. How to deal with purpose, and friends, and significant others, and all of the pain of the human condition. How do you figure it all out? You don’t have to. Not all at once, anyway. You have enough information to make the right choices every day and learn more. We will always make mistakes, but if we acted with our best knowledge and fulfilled what we thought were the best choices in a given say you won’t have to regret the mistakes. That was kind of my whole point :) And yes, always improve, and learn philosophy, and take care of your body and people around you. But at some point it all becomes obvious I think. At 46 it is all obvious for me now.
- codemog 2mo ago
  > I am mid 40s. Started working at a hyper scaler a couple years ago. I think you are overthinking it. What does working at a hyper scaler have to do with the rest of the post? Do you want to mention your total comp or height while you’re at it?
  - ShinyLeftPad 2mo ago
    I mean clearly it's what matters to them and not a trivial pursuit;) To me that phrase added useful context how to treat the advice...
soulofmischief 2mo ago
The first thing that came to mind for me is that this perspective, while probably in the range of normal experience for software developers, is rooted in middle class expectations. I have ADHD and OCD and grew up in total poverty and violent child abuse in a rural area with no economic opportunity, and was homeless from 16 to my early 20s. While hindsight makes clear many of my own errors and shortcomings, a lot of the residual issues I face today, some of those shortcomings included, are the result of neglectful, ignorant or malicious choices from the adults in my early life. I have several physical health issues that were not addressed when they should have been, including lifelong gout and very likely fibromyalgia. I had a full-ride scholarship and campus job and lodging lined up that I worked very hard for in high school despite being homeless, and a malicious teacher illegally modified my grade out of spite to prevent me from graduating with the required credits. The administration did nothing and I had no family in my life to help me pressure the school board or file a lawsuit. I also faced a gross mistrial after having a small town officer literally plant marijuana on me after a traffic accident, and the judge illegally sentenced me despite a total lack of evidence, and my defense attorney was corrupt and refused to submit a motion to quash or let me appeal the decision because "the judge is my boss and he will make my life hell." Six months jailtime for a first time criminal offense for a homeless seventeen year old. My whole life so far has been playing catch-up. Your advice probably wasn't meant for me, but you were interested in hearing other perspectives so I figured you'd be interested to hear mine. I always find it interesting when casual conversation with other engineers reveals the gaps between our experiences and expectations. Lots of interesting and unique paths through our unique profession.
- jaggederest 2mo ago
  Honestly I think it's even more important for people with tough childhoods and bad breaks to focus on taking care of themselves. I regret that, in the US at least, the safety net is nonexistent and makes that almost impossible, as you say. I hope you find a little peace and maybe some upward momentum.
  - soulofmischief 2mo ago
    I agree, and I think it's important advice that really does need to be drilled into people. Even if medical care is out of reach for some, we do have the internet and now even personal agents who can help teach us good habits and hold us accountable. Things like good posture, exercise, and eating non-processed foods are within reach for the majority of us; and for those whose issues make exercise difficult, it's only even more important to try and double down if at all possible and close the gap. Sleep should also be a top priority. I have had chronic insomnia since I was a toddler, sometimes staying up for days at a time unable to sleep, and honestly lack of sleep is destroying my mind and body faster than anything else. It's preventing me from maintaining a healthy weight, since fat burning is heavily impacted by irregular sleep. I have tried everything under the sun, most recently I am re-experimenting with magnesium in the form of magnesium l-threonate because my magnesium deficiency might actually be causing me to have a very high "gain" in my CNS, meaning the smallest things wake me up or get me excited. It's still too early to rule out coincidence or placebo, but I think I'm noticing several differences since being on magnesium l-threonate, including better sleep. Point being, leave no stone unturned when it comes to your health. Sometimes the solutions to complex issues might themselves be quite simple.
p0d 2mo ago
I am 54 and my response to your 40s insight is, "Amen".
petesergeant 2mo ago
Mounjaro, TRT, Lexapro, statins if you need them, and much less alcohol.
_puk 2mo ago
A bit of financial acumen goes a long way over the long term. Anything that compounds is better off started early. It's not about the money at the high level, but relative comfort frees you up to be your best self. Or so I'm told.
- ChrisMarshallNY 2mo ago
  I “retired” at 55. The scare quotes, are because I didn’t have a choice. No one wanted to hire me. Back in the 1980s, when I was just getting started, I was told to save everything I could. I thought it was silly advice, but I took it, starting in 1990, when I started my final job, which lasted until 2017. Good thing, too. I’m not rich, but I was able to retire, and it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me (although I didn’t think so, at the time). I have enough to afford decent tools, and work hard, every single day, on stuff I always wanted to, but my management never let me.
  - _puk 2mo ago
    I did quite the opposite. Ignored all the sage advice, lived a rather tumultuous life, but lived it fast. Diagnosed ADHD at 45 was a bit of an aha moment! So I'm stuck on the treadmill for quite a few years yet. Envious of where you've ended up, but imagine the path there wasn't easy. All the best with retirement!
    - ChrisMarshallNY 2mo ago
      I've lived pretty humbly. I think many folks, here, would sneer at my lifestyle (sneering at others, seems to be in fashion, these days), but it allowed me to be where I am, today. Also, I never really made a huge amount of money. There's kids coming right out of school, that are starting at more than I ever made, at the peak of my career. That can't afford a house. Crazy times.
      - memcg 2mo ago
        This is the key in my opinion, and the most difficult to discuss with others without them getting defensive. You have to look at every dollar you spend. For me, debt and inflation have the potential turn my dreams to nightmares.
ryanjshaw 2mo ago
Early 40s here. I really wish I had started weightlifting 20 years ago.
- vkazanov 2mo ago
  Heh... i wish i'd go for anything other than boxing 20 years ago. Anyways, yes, weightlifting + something active (tennis, football, etc) is the way to go. But weightlifting first. It is the only hralth-related hobby that teaches honest body control: muscle, gaining/losing weight, dieting basics, monitoring key body parameters over time.
- roeles 2mo ago
  This. I (41) joined a gym last year. Did wonders for my physical and mental health. As you get older you need more and more protein to build muscles. I need to get 150 grams of protein per day. That is difficult. And you need more recovery time. I have friends who never went to the gym. They develop more back issues.
- groby_b 2mo ago
  Mid 50s here - you can start at any point. Can confirm. The past is in the past. It had good and bad outcomes for you. Those stand, and you're best served by making your peace with them. All that matters are the decisions you make now.
deleted 2mo ago
[deleted]
InsideOutSanta 2mo ago
In your 20s and 30s, it's relatively easy to brute-force physical and mental health problems. I didn't understand what the word "stress" even meant exactly until I got into my late 30s. Then I realized that I had been under extreme stress for most of my life but had not noticed it because I could just keep going despite constant exhaustion and borderline depression. Then, that suddenly stopped working. I wish I'd realized this a decade or two earlier.
jheriko 2mo ago
[dead]
xelxebar 2mo ago
What cultural values does this wisdom and advice implicitly engender? That question bothers me a lot. For some reason it strikes me that we don't think of a potato plant as needing life lessons. I doubt anyone here has moral compunctions about leaf structure or starch formation. People seem much the same way to me. Another part of me does instinctively model the inner world of people as small deviations from my own. Other parts of me think that is quaint. It appears to me that the sense of clairty imparted by wisdom often looks like mere rigidity when seen from the outside. I have little doubt that your particular wisdom has been hard-earned, and at the same time, I think it is hopelessly myopic. The thing that gets me is that this also almost surely applies to my own wisdom, which is why I distrust them implicitly. I think the world is so vast and our exposure so limited such that any Life Wisdom is hopelessly doomed to be a horrible overfit on the particulars of an individual. Keep growing your idiosyncratic leaves though. I also genuinely think they're beautiful.
- brazukadev 2mo ago
  A wise person is naturally less anxious. Lots of people are anxious and dislike it so cultivating their inner life could help them with that. Most people prefer to not go that route, it is optional. Nobody is demanding you to grow wise or even that you would be capable of. But as we grow old, not achieving some things we thought would be easier when we were young can cause frustration. Wisdom helps dealing with that.
astura 2mo ago
I'm in my 40s. >it's quite likely that nearly all of your problems are the result of your choices, either indirectly through the environment you live in or directly through the actions you take This is a horrible thing to say, and I wouldn't go around saying stuff like that if you value your safety. Its probably true if you're a white guy with a average intelligence who was raised in the suburbs by loving family with a silver spoon in your mouth. However, the rest of us didn't choose to be born into poverty and family violence; we didn't choose to spend our formative years be assaulted, hungry, groomed, and abused; we didn't choose to be subjected to systemic problems, racism, sexism, and institutional abuse. What you're basically doing is telling someone who was born with multiple sclerosis "the reason you have trouble walking is due to your choices." That being said, this isn't a fatalistic post. I think everyone can and should make choices to make the best of what they have. I've been trying for 4+ decades. I spend thousands of dollars a year on therapy and medication trying to move on. I've personally witnessed the effects of bad decisions and I have the cognitive capabilities to see cause and effect so I won't be making the same choices for myself. It's just a straight up fact that my suffering is not due to my own choices. I did not ask for this.
- grog454 2mo ago
  Some people have to work a thousand times harder than someone else for 1/1000th the payoff due to their starting point. That's just life. But that doesn't reduce the impact your choices have on your own life. With a few extreme exceptions you can choose to change your environment. It's just varying degrees of terrifying/uncomfortable/dangerous.
  - watwut 2mo ago
    That still does not imply that ">it's quite likely that nearly all of your problems are the result of your choices, either indirectly through the environment you live in or directly through the actions you take". You changing your environment to void problems plenty of times means "abandoning your kids". You may even have greates starting point ever and still have externally imposed diseases, injuries and problems.
- jaggederest 2mo ago
teiferer 2mo ago
> Getting into good medical care, therapy, exercise, These are very different classes of things. Good medical care, of course, if there is a problem, get it fixed by somebody who knows what they are doing. Good exercise, of course, get your physique in shape, for well being, for health and for confidence. But therapy? If there is a problem and therapy is treatment, of course. But where does this desire in the western world come from to just by default having to go to some kind of psychotherapy? I refuse to believe that a happy life requires therapy. If it ain't broken etc. > it's quite likely that nearly all of your problems are the result of your choices That's a position that must be deeply rooted in privilege. There are countless folks out there who don't have it easy because of conditions they didn't create, and saying it's because of their own choices is extremely ignorant, maybe even arrogant. Many could, theoretically, so sth about it, at least improve their situation marginally, but it would require extreme steps which they are just not able to take. It too simplistic to dump it all on the "well it was their choice". No need to blindly victimize folks, but the other extreme is just not helpful either.
- jaggederest 2mo ago
  > But therapy? If there is a problem and therapy is treatment, of course. But where does this desire in the western world come from to just by default having to go to some kind of psychotherapy? I suspect you're exactly the kind of person I'm talking to when I say therapy is a valuable thing for everyone. You will experience stressors, grief, loss, and strife in your life, being psychologically healthy and having your coping skills in order is absolutely something you want to do in advance, and is something everyday people can and should do before they actively have any specific disorder or problem.
  - LoganDark 2mo ago
    It's one thing to say therapy is helpful. It's another thing to say it's just what you need to get over yourself in life. I have friends that cannot just "be psychologically healthy". They had sexual abuse and emotional abuse for decades of their early life. Every would-be friend betrayed them. They have too many illnesses and disorders to count. They're disabled, unimaginably neurodivergent, and impossibly complex. Therapy is not the solution to this. This is not as simple as "being psychologically healthy". Life for people in these sorts of situations is a life of such difficult tradeoffs that there simply is no right answer. Everything they do just digs them deeper into some hole, even if it was supposed to get them help. I did encourage one to try therapy, but the therapist spilled everything from their sessions to abusers. Their living situation became measurably worse and has not improved since. It is not their fault. They've been emotionally beaten to a pulp, and it's not their choices that brought them here. They arrived here by process of elimination, where everything else they've ever tried was met with extreme punishment. External assistance is often the only possible out for them. Not external assistance from a professional or therapist. External assistance from someone who knows them and their situation better than anyone else ever could, who's seen too much of their life day-in and day-out for years. You can't select for that. You can't even hope for that. You certainly can't choose that. To think one's own choices can impact matters like this is such a disgusting level of privilege I can't even imagine. There are too many people that can't simply choose to escape their situation, and it's not their own fault. It's not something you can fix by sprinkling on a little therapy or some self-help books. It's something they'll be fighting for the rest of their entire life, whether they escape or not. You can't just choose to be free of that. No one can.
bmacho 2mo ago
> That leads right into: The only thing you can truly exert control over is yourself, I don't see a disinction here between 'yourself' and 'the environment/world'. Both affect you, and you can/cannot control both. And the logical solution is to try (when it is worth it and not to try when it isn't).
Balgair 2mo ago
Great advice in this thread. My add: max out you 401k contributions if you haven't already. It's the single most important financial decision most of us will (hopefully) make.

bitexploder 2mo ago

I am mid 40s. Started working at a hyper scaler a couple years ago. I think you are overthinking it. All there is, is to be present and focus on what is important. And no one else can tell you what is important, you already know. Spend your time wisely with your family or on things that matter to you and not on trivial pursuit. There are no secrets in this. It is largely what you define. When you ask this question of others, you are asking what am I forgetting? What will I regret? They can’t tell you. They can tell you what they regretted it and maybe you will regret those same things they did. But you have to decide. In 10 years. In 20 years. All you have to do is ask your future self what you’re gonna regret that you didn’t do. I had found that we already know the answers to those things. E: think of it this way. And you don’t have to have a dog for these questions to work they’re metaphorical really, but also physical if you do have a dog. Did you walk your dog? Did you play ball with it? If they die tomorrow, will you look back and say that today was good? Did you do everything you could do with your dog? If not go do those things right now don’t leave them undone. That’s all there is. And the same thing works with everything in life. You know what you should’ve done in the day. If you do those things in 10 or 20 years, you won’t look back and say I wish I would’ve done those things cause you’ve done them.

jonahx 2mo ago
> When you ask this question of others, you are asking what am I forgetting? What will I regret? They can’t tell you. In one sense yes, but in another sense... humans are just so much alike. You can a learn a ton from your elders' common mistakes. Especially the ones where there's broad agreement. You're probably not an exception. To use your dog metaphor (which I like), would you tell a dog looking for advice (if you could magically communicate with it) to just present and focus on the moment and he'll know what to do. Nah, we know a dog needs lots of walks, to be around other dogs, to eat the right foods, and so on. The two approaches aren't mutually exclusive, but the practical one is... practical.
- bitexploder 2mo ago
  We do have metacognition and should use. It isn’t like we should go off the rails and become fully hedonic to “live in the moment” for example, we need some guiding principles . And when you are younger it can be really hard to know what is right. How to deal with purpose, and friends, and significant others, and all of the pain of the human condition. How do you figure it all out? You don’t have to. Not all at once, anyway. You have enough information to make the right choices every day and learn more. We will always make mistakes, but if we acted with our best knowledge and fulfilled what we thought were the best choices in a given say you won’t have to regret the mistakes. That was kind of my whole point :) And yes, always improve, and learn philosophy, and take care of your body and people around you. But at some point it all becomes obvious I think. At 46 it is all obvious for me now.
codemog 2mo ago
> I am mid 40s. Started working at a hyper scaler a couple years ago. I think you are overthinking it. What does working at a hyper scaler have to do with the rest of the post? Do you want to mention your total comp or height while you’re at it?
- ShinyLeftPad 2mo ago
  I mean clearly it's what matters to them and not a trivial pursuit;) To me that phrase added useful context how to treat the advice...

soulofmischief 2mo ago

The first thing that came to mind for me is that this perspective, while probably in the range of normal experience for software developers, is rooted in middle class expectations. I have ADHD and OCD and grew up in total poverty and violent child abuse in a rural area with no economic opportunity, and was homeless from 16 to my early 20s. While hindsight makes clear many of my own errors and shortcomings, a lot of the residual issues I face today, some of those shortcomings included, are the result of neglectful, ignorant or malicious choices from the adults in my early life. I have several physical health issues that were not addressed when they should have been, including lifelong gout and very likely fibromyalgia. I had a full-ride scholarship and campus job and lodging lined up that I worked very hard for in high school despite being homeless, and a malicious teacher illegally modified my grade out of spite to prevent me from graduating with the required credits. The administration did nothing and I had no family in my life to help me pressure the school board or file a lawsuit. I also faced a gross mistrial after having a small town officer literally plant marijuana on me after a traffic accident, and the judge illegally sentenced me despite a total lack of evidence, and my defense attorney was corrupt and refused to submit a motion to quash or let me appeal the decision because "the judge is my boss and he will make my life hell." Six months jailtime for a first time criminal offense for a homeless seventeen year old. My whole life so far has been playing catch-up. Your advice probably wasn't meant for me, but you were interested in hearing other perspectives so I figured you'd be interested to hear mine. I always find it interesting when casual conversation with other engineers reveals the gaps between our experiences and expectations. Lots of interesting and unique paths through our unique profession.

jaggederest 2mo ago
Honestly I think it's even more important for people with tough childhoods and bad breaks to focus on taking care of themselves. I regret that, in the US at least, the safety net is nonexistent and makes that almost impossible, as you say. I hope you find a little peace and maybe some upward momentum.
- soulofmischief 2mo ago
  I agree, and I think it's important advice that really does need to be drilled into people. Even if medical care is out of reach for some, we do have the internet and now even personal agents who can help teach us good habits and hold us accountable. Things like good posture, exercise, and eating non-processed foods are within reach for the majority of us; and for those whose issues make exercise difficult, it's only even more important to try and double down if at all possible and close the gap. Sleep should also be a top priority. I have had chronic insomnia since I was a toddler, sometimes staying up for days at a time unable to sleep, and honestly lack of sleep is destroying my mind and body faster than anything else. It's preventing me from maintaining a healthy weight, since fat burning is heavily impacted by irregular sleep. I have tried everything under the sun, most recently I am re-experimenting with magnesium in the form of magnesium l-threonate because my magnesium deficiency might actually be causing me to have a very high "gain" in my CNS, meaning the smallest things wake me up or get me excited. It's still too early to rule out coincidence or placebo, but I think I'm noticing several differences since being on magnesium l-threonate, including better sleep. Point being, leave no stone unturned when it comes to your health. Sometimes the solutions to complex issues might themselves be quite simple.

p0d 2mo ago

I am 54 and my response to your 40s insight is, "Amen".

petesergeant 2mo ago

Mounjaro, TRT, Lexapro, statins if you need them, and much less alcohol.

_puk 2mo ago

A bit of financial acumen goes a long way over the long term. Anything that compounds is better off started early. It's not about the money at the high level, but relative comfort frees you up to be your best self. Or so I'm told.

ChrisMarshallNY 2mo ago
I “retired” at 55. The scare quotes, are because I didn’t have a choice. No one wanted to hire me. Back in the 1980s, when I was just getting started, I was told to save everything I could. I thought it was silly advice, but I took it, starting in 1990, when I started my final job, which lasted until 2017. Good thing, too. I’m not rich, but I was able to retire, and it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me (although I didn’t think so, at the time). I have enough to afford decent tools, and work hard, every single day, on stuff I always wanted to, but my management never let me.
- _puk 2mo ago
  I did quite the opposite. Ignored all the sage advice, lived a rather tumultuous life, but lived it fast. Diagnosed ADHD at 45 was a bit of an aha moment! So I'm stuck on the treadmill for quite a few years yet. Envious of where you've ended up, but imagine the path there wasn't easy. All the best with retirement!
  - ChrisMarshallNY 2mo ago
    I've lived pretty humbly. I think many folks, here, would sneer at my lifestyle (sneering at others, seems to be in fashion, these days), but it allowed me to be where I am, today. Also, I never really made a huge amount of money. There's kids coming right out of school, that are starting at more than I ever made, at the peak of my career. That can't afford a house. Crazy times.
    - memcg 2mo ago
      This is the key in my opinion, and the most difficult to discuss with others without them getting defensive. You have to look at every dollar you spend. For me, debt and inflation have the potential turn my dreams to nightmares.

ryanjshaw 2mo ago

Early 40s here. I really wish I had started weightlifting 20 years ago.

vkazanov 2mo ago
Heh... i wish i'd go for anything other than boxing 20 years ago. Anyways, yes, weightlifting + something active (tennis, football, etc) is the way to go. But weightlifting first. It is the only hralth-related hobby that teaches honest body control: muscle, gaining/losing weight, dieting basics, monitoring key body parameters over time.
roeles 2mo ago
This. I (41) joined a gym last year. Did wonders for my physical and mental health. As you get older you need more and more protein to build muscles. I need to get 150 grams of protein per day. That is difficult. And you need more recovery time. I have friends who never went to the gym. They develop more back issues.
groby_b 2mo ago
Mid 50s here - you can start at any point. Can confirm. The past is in the past. It had good and bad outcomes for you. Those stand, and you're best served by making your peace with them. All that matters are the decisions you make now.

deleted 2mo ago

[deleted]

InsideOutSanta 2mo ago

In your 20s and 30s, it's relatively easy to brute-force physical and mental health problems. I didn't understand what the word "stress" even meant exactly until I got into my late 30s. Then I realized that I had been under extreme stress for most of my life but had not noticed it because I could just keep going despite constant exhaustion and borderline depression. Then, that suddenly stopped working. I wish I'd realized this a decade or two earlier.

jheriko 2mo ago

[dead]

xelxebar 2mo ago

What cultural values does this wisdom and advice implicitly engender? That question bothers me a lot. For some reason it strikes me that we don't think of a potato plant as needing life lessons. I doubt anyone here has moral compunctions about leaf structure or starch formation. People seem much the same way to me. Another part of me does instinctively model the inner world of people as small deviations from my own. Other parts of me think that is quaint. It appears to me that the sense of clairty imparted by wisdom often looks like mere rigidity when seen from the outside. I have little doubt that your particular wisdom has been hard-earned, and at the same time, I think it is hopelessly myopic. The thing that gets me is that this also almost surely applies to my own wisdom, which is why I distrust them implicitly. I think the world is so vast and our exposure so limited such that any Life Wisdom is hopelessly doomed to be a horrible overfit on the particulars of an individual. Keep growing your idiosyncratic leaves though. I also genuinely think they're beautiful.

brazukadev 2mo ago
A wise person is naturally less anxious. Lots of people are anxious and dislike it so cultivating their inner life could help them with that. Most people prefer to not go that route, it is optional. Nobody is demanding you to grow wise or even that you would be capable of. But as we grow old, not achieving some things we thought would be easier when we were young can cause frustration. Wisdom helps dealing with that.

astura 2mo ago

I'm in my 40s. >it's quite likely that nearly all of your problems are the result of your choices, either indirectly through the environment you live in or directly through the actions you take This is a horrible thing to say, and I wouldn't go around saying stuff like that if you value your safety. Its probably true if you're a white guy with a average intelligence who was raised in the suburbs by loving family with a silver spoon in your mouth. However, the rest of us didn't choose to be born into poverty and family violence; we didn't choose to spend our formative years be assaulted, hungry, groomed, and abused; we didn't choose to be subjected to systemic problems, racism, sexism, and institutional abuse. What you're basically doing is telling someone who was born with multiple sclerosis "the reason you have trouble walking is due to your choices." That being said, this isn't a fatalistic post. I think everyone can and should make choices to make the best of what they have. I've been trying for 4+ decades. I spend thousands of dollars a year on therapy and medication trying to move on. I've personally witnessed the effects of bad decisions and I have the cognitive capabilities to see cause and effect so I won't be making the same choices for myself. It's just a straight up fact that my suffering is not due to my own choices. I did not ask for this.

grog454 2mo ago
Some people have to work a thousand times harder than someone else for 1/1000th the payoff due to their starting point. That's just life. But that doesn't reduce the impact your choices have on your own life. With a few extreme exceptions you can choose to change your environment. It's just varying degrees of terrifying/uncomfortable/dangerous.
- watwut 2mo ago
  That still does not imply that ">it's quite likely that nearly all of your problems are the result of your choices, either indirectly through the environment you live in or directly through the actions you take". You changing your environment to void problems plenty of times means "abandoning your kids". You may even have greates starting point ever and still have externally imposed diseases, injuries and problems.
jaggederest 2mo ago

teiferer 2mo ago

> Getting into good medical care, therapy, exercise, These are very different classes of things. Good medical care, of course, if there is a problem, get it fixed by somebody who knows what they are doing. Good exercise, of course, get your physique in shape, for well being, for health and for confidence. But therapy? If there is a problem and therapy is treatment, of course. But where does this desire in the western world come from to just by default having to go to some kind of psychotherapy? I refuse to believe that a happy life requires therapy. If it ain't broken etc. > it's quite likely that nearly all of your problems are the result of your choices That's a position that must be deeply rooted in privilege. There are countless folks out there who don't have it easy because of conditions they didn't create, and saying it's because of their own choices is extremely ignorant, maybe even arrogant. Many could, theoretically, so sth about it, at least improve their situation marginally, but it would require extreme steps which they are just not able to take. It too simplistic to dump it all on the "well it was their choice". No need to blindly victimize folks, but the other extreme is just not helpful either.

jaggederest 2mo ago
> But therapy? If there is a problem and therapy is treatment, of course. But where does this desire in the western world come from to just by default having to go to some kind of psychotherapy? I suspect you're exactly the kind of person I'm talking to when I say therapy is a valuable thing for everyone. You will experience stressors, grief, loss, and strife in your life, being psychologically healthy and having your coping skills in order is absolutely something you want to do in advance, and is something everyday people can and should do before they actively have any specific disorder or problem.
- LoganDark 2mo ago
  It's one thing to say therapy is helpful. It's another thing to say it's just what you need to get over yourself in life. I have friends that cannot just "be psychologically healthy". They had sexual abuse and emotional abuse for decades of their early life. Every would-be friend betrayed them. They have too many illnesses and disorders to count. They're disabled, unimaginably neurodivergent, and impossibly complex. Therapy is not the solution to this. This is not as simple as "being psychologically healthy". Life for people in these sorts of situations is a life of such difficult tradeoffs that there simply is no right answer. Everything they do just digs them deeper into some hole, even if it was supposed to get them help. I did encourage one to try therapy, but the therapist spilled everything from their sessions to abusers. Their living situation became measurably worse and has not improved since. It is not their fault. They've been emotionally beaten to a pulp, and it's not their choices that brought them here. They arrived here by process of elimination, where everything else they've ever tried was met with extreme punishment. External assistance is often the only possible out for them. Not external assistance from a professional or therapist. External assistance from someone who knows them and their situation better than anyone else ever could, who's seen too much of their life day-in and day-out for years. You can't select for that. You can't even hope for that. You certainly can't choose that. To think one's own choices can impact matters like this is such a disgusting level of privilege I can't even imagine. There are too many people that can't simply choose to escape their situation, and it's not their own fault. It's not something you can fix by sprinkling on a little therapy or some self-help books. It's something they'll be fighting for the rest of their entire life, whether they escape or not. You can't just choose to be free of that. No one can.

bmacho 2mo ago

> That leads right into: The only thing you can truly exert control over is yourself, I don't see a disinction here between 'yourself' and 'the environment/world'. Both affect you, and you can/cannot control both. And the logical solution is to try (when it is worth it and not to try when it isn't).

Balgair 2mo ago

Great advice in this thread. My add: max out you 401k contributions if you haven't already. It's the single most important financial decision most of us will (hopefully) make.