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I got sort of lucky early in my career because I had a talent that was discovered in a national network. Which meant I found myself writing national strategies

I got sort of lucky early in my career because I had a talent that was discovered in a national network. Which meant I found myself writing national strategies for IT in our public sector (Denmark) at my late 20ies. It felt great for a year, or maybe two. When it stopped being fun though, it sort of hit me hard. I did enjoy writing and working on the strategies with other people. All the "glamour" around it, advicing politicians, going to conferences, networking with all sorts of "important" people. That got to me on one of the many train rides I had to take. I know a 3 hour commute might not be a lot to Americans or people in larger countries in general, but here it's a life time. Eventually I didn't know why I was going on them, so I quit and went back to being a nerd in a basement. Having my first child was the kick I needed to push me to where I was already heading though. I would've likely ridden the career ladder for a lot longer if I hadn't become a dad. I rarely speak about it but something about reading you accepting the failure of your ambitions made me want to do it. Are you sure it's a failure? For me family life turned out to be what I wanted and work is just a fun place which makes me money, but I totally get why people want to do it the opposite way. In some ways you could say that I did something significant, but it made me misserable. So I failed just as much as you, if not more. I don't regret any of it either though. It's what made me who I am.

somenameforme 2mo ago
I'd also agree with this. Children don't make you give up your ambitions in the least. However they will almost certainly make you rethink what is important in life. It's not even conscious like an 'ok I give this up, in order to get that' but rather they just make you feel very differently, in a way that you can't really explain. But it's good, very good.
- kakacik 2mo ago
  100% agree with this. But its not uniform for everybody, mothers generally change and throw away previous life after having kids in ways that most men don't. Some fathers are similar (and few mothers are similar to average guy) but difference is pretty big when you dig deeper.
  - Tangurena2 2mo ago
    That's mostly due to social pressures and expectations - women are expected/demanded/forced to perform most of the child care duties. Which is why when a man does child care (in the US at least), he is seen as "helping out", even if he is the full-time caretaker/househusband.
    - somenameforme 2mo ago
      I don't find these sort of critical theory takes to make much practical sense. Most/all mammalian species are similar in this regard, and there are very practical reasons. For instance most don't seem to understand that early on breastfeeding is literally a 24 hour job. That forms a special bond between a mother and child that a father could never match. Even the most involved father's role there is basically to give the mother some downtime and this will, in turn, shape how the child responds to parents. We often joke that daddy's for fun, mommy's for comfort - but it's not really a joke. Your children's earliest months will have food literally coming out of mommy while daddy is just there to keep you happy when mama's trying to get some elusive sleep. And that carries forward even as the child ages. There are also other instinctual issues in play. For instance most mothers experience vivid and highly unpleasant nightmares involving just about every possible awful thing happening to their children. It's quite horrific, but likely an instinctual thing to help the mother be wary, form a deeper bond, and so on. I'm not sure the rate for fathers, but I never had anything like that - and so the bond formed is again, just very different than for a mother. Finally, there's also the realistic timelines involved. Having a child takes about a year, and you want around a year between each child. For a sustainable society every single woman needs to have a bit more than 2 children. So that's like 5-6 years, at the minimum, solely dedicated to having your children. And then of course the show is just beginning at that point. The reality is that advancing a career in this context is simply not realistic, and trying to build societies that reject this isn't going to do anything but ensure those societies are unsustainable, which is exactly what has happened.

somenameforme 2mo ago

I'd also agree with this. Children don't make you give up your ambitions in the least. However they will almost certainly make you rethink what is important in life. It's not even conscious like an 'ok I give this up, in order to get that' but rather they just make you feel very differently, in a way that you can't really explain. But it's good, very good.

kakacik 2mo ago
100% agree with this. But its not uniform for everybody, mothers generally change and throw away previous life after having kids in ways that most men don't. Some fathers are similar (and few mothers are similar to average guy) but difference is pretty big when you dig deeper.
- Tangurena2 2mo ago
  That's mostly due to social pressures and expectations - women are expected/demanded/forced to perform most of the child care duties. Which is why when a man does child care (in the US at least), he is seen as "helping out", even if he is the full-time caretaker/househusband.
  - somenameforme 2mo ago
    I don't find these sort of critical theory takes to make much practical sense. Most/all mammalian species are similar in this regard, and there are very practical reasons. For instance most don't seem to understand that early on breastfeeding is literally a 24 hour job. That forms a special bond between a mother and child that a father could never match. Even the most involved father's role there is basically to give the mother some downtime and this will, in turn, shape how the child responds to parents. We often joke that daddy's for fun, mommy's for comfort - but it's not really a joke. Your children's earliest months will have food literally coming out of mommy while daddy is just there to keep you happy when mama's trying to get some elusive sleep. And that carries forward even as the child ages. There are also other instinctual issues in play. For instance most mothers experience vivid and highly unpleasant nightmares involving just about every possible awful thing happening to their children. It's quite horrific, but likely an instinctual thing to help the mother be wary, form a deeper bond, and so on. I'm not sure the rate for fathers, but I never had anything like that - and so the bond formed is again, just very different than for a mother. Finally, there's also the realistic timelines involved. Having a child takes about a year, and you want around a year between each child. For a sustainable society every single woman needs to have a bit more than 2 children. So that's like 5-6 years, at the minimum, solely dedicated to having your children. And then of course the show is just beginning at that point. The reality is that advancing a career in this context is simply not realistic, and trying to build societies that reject this isn't going to do anything but ensure those societies are unsustainable, which is exactly what has happened.