5 ms·

You're not uncool. Making friends as an adult is just hard (2021)

50 points by downbad_ 2mo ago

pavel_lishin 2mo ago
> I was told that this person really had all the friends that they need. In my experience, this does tend to happen in smaller communities - a small town where everyone knows each other, and already has picked out all the people they're likely to be friends with. > Being intentional is essential, she says. > According to Franco, the key to building a community of friends is setting up planned interactions, like regular group events or rotating potlucks. For me, this is D&D.
- merona_io 2mo ago
  for me its indoor rock climbing great community
wifipunk 2mo ago
As someone who has experienced the opposite effect I think the trick is to just finding passion in what you do and your hobbies. The more of a resource I am around my interests the easier it’s always been more me to make new friends with those same interests just by having something to talk about
vunderba 2mo ago
If you’re responsible and you like animals, there’s no easier way to connect with people from all walks of life than by owning a dog. Assuming you live in a fairly dog‑friendly area, it becomes much easier to break the ice and spend time in shared spaces where everyone already has at least one thing in common.
- drcongo 2mo ago
  It's not just other dog walkers either, plenty of random folk will come up and talk to you just because you have an excellent dog.
  - vunderba 2mo ago
    This is true also. My husky pyrenees is an 80 pounds photogenic stack of floof and attracts a lot of attention when we're going for walks downtown.
- deleted 2mo ago
  [deleted]
diseasedyak 2mo ago
I have exactly one friend. I had two, but one of them recently passed away suddenly. At 51, I can definitely say it's very hard to meet anyone. I guess I need to start playing D&D or board games or disc golf.
- FeloniousHam 2mo ago
  I can vouch for board games. I play DCC (D&D for grognards) and board games with a group I met through a guy at work. It was a little awkward at first, but we've been doing it every few weeks for years now.
- moralestapia 2mo ago
  I created (well ... bought the domain) https://clubs.fyi https://clubs.fyi to solve this problem for myself, after I moved to a new city and found myself with no friends for like the 4th time in my life[1]. And yes, the findings in TFA are true. The main catalyzer is something you do regularly with another person. That's it. It could be just sitting next to each other, but weekly. The best thing for this is joining a club, clubs happen around a common interest but also a club could just be something like "we sit on this bench every week". I got busy with work and other stuff and have not put in the care this project needs to get it off the ground, but if you're interested in helping out, feel free to reach out. Two takeaways (not mentioned in TFA): * Being intentional means knowing thyself and deciding what you want in your life with as much detail as you can. "I want to meet new people" is not as good as "I want to meet people who like baking muffins AND are actively engaged with it AND also want to meet other people that are heavily into muffins". Sure, the audience is greatly reduced the more specific you go, but the value of that group when you find it is 100x more rewarding. You don't need 100 friends, you only need 2 or 3 genuinely good friends :). * A lot of people are on the same boat as you, way more than you imagine. Something like 6-7 out of 10. So, grab your hometown population, multiply it by 0.7, that's how many people are willing to make new friends TODAY. The problem is that we have been trained to suck at meeting new people, the processes by which we discover each other and learn about each other has been labeled as "exposing yourself" by nu-psychologists (of which the vast majority should be imprisoned imo, but that's a different topic). The reason why this (fear) has been ingrained into the population is to have a mass of people who age/die faster because they are lonely and (induced to be) stupid; but again, that's a different topic, lol. I just want to give you the overall context. A club is the perfect excuse to let those guards down, after all, you and others think "I'm not a creep[2], I'm here because I genuinely like <collecting Pokemon cards or whatever>" and those connections start to flourish naturally (because they're natural, we are primed to meet people, we are primed to make connections). So, go ahead and just join one local club that caters to your interest; if it doesn't exist, create it, it will be a very rewarding experience. 1: Everyone told me to do D&D. I don't like D&D and trying to force yourself into something you don't really like just to meet people has low ROI (I've tried it for years, I stopped doing it). 2: Thinking you are one is part of the psychological abuse that was put in there on purpose and by design. I cannot stress this enough, one must understand the causes to tackle the disease properly.
kelseyfrog 2mo ago
In my experience, it just takes initiative. Think of it this way, if most people want more friends, then the odds are in your favor. It just takes a little vulnerability to bridge the social gap and make connections.
- nicbou 2mo ago
  Just be aware that vulnerability is not rewarded every time. People will be uninterested, busy, a poor match etc. It can be hard on you sometimes when you are trying your best.
  - kelseyfrog 2mo ago
    Absolutely true. Nothing is guaranteed when it involves other people. Personally, I've struggled with rejection sensitivity. It's been a whole other journey to recognize this, and make progress despite the uncertainty of outcomes. It's one thing to know intellectually that failure has nothing to do with me. It's another to grapple with the social pain that arrives regardless of what I know.
    - nicbou 2mo ago
      Same here. It's odd because it feels so real and so painful in the moment, and a day later, the person texts back and everything is fine. Self-awareness helps a lot with managing it. I know how it played out every previous time, so I dismiss my feelings as irrational right from the start.
d4ng 2mo ago
For people into music: Would you be interested in an app that lists music events in your area, where you can register yourself as going, and where people can apply to go with you? What do you think would work well? What do you think the pitfalls might be?
- ptrhvns 2mo ago
  Yes, I'd be interested.
- csh0 2mo ago
  This exists for the electronic music scene, Radiate.
  - d4ng 2mo ago
    Well, that’s good to know. Thanks.
  - dpkirchner 2mo ago
    It looks like Radiate is an app-mandatory secondary ticket marketplace, I might be looking at the wrong Radiate though.
- mrguyorama 2mo ago
  "Lists events in your area" is always the hard part. The bars in my city don't have public APIs. If you start small and local, you could maybe get buy in from some places, "Send this address an email with event details and I will help you get butts in the door!" Also if you build any app that lets you meet new people, especially new people with compatible interests, Match Group will buy you out and turn whatever you built into another tinder.
  - d4ng 2mo ago
    There is a number of centralised places for finding music events in London. None of them allow you to find people to go with. Regarding being bought out by Match: I wouldn't complain.
curation 2mo ago
Stand for something more than yourself. Be curious and learn about folks you meet. I am in my 50s and have many young and old friends, including 5 new ones this year.
SirMaster 2mo ago
Honestly I have found it easy to make friends as an adult. Just need to go and do activities with other single adults and they are likely open to and have time to be friends beyond the meeting activity in my experience.
- throw-the-towel 2mo ago
  Such as?
  - littlecranky67 2mo ago
    Hiking / taking extend walks, boardgames, beach volleyball, gather at a ping pong table in a local park, volunteer work, walking a dog or dogsitting, movie & book clubs, language exchanges / classes, all sorts of courses at adult education centers, social dancing events, pub crawls, run clubs, poker nights, wine tasting, dining events, single meetups, pádel tournaments, ... It is really not that hard coming up with something.
runamuck 2mo ago
I decided to put the goal of making friends on "Hard Mode." I quit drinking.
- picofarad 2mo ago
  I never drank in public, is that hard mode too? I quit as well.
grvdrm 2mo ago
> homohysteria Do men (here) experience this often? Not often? I’ve not stumbled into this problem in many years. Perhaps this is an exaggerated issue. And I’m still making male friends - not every day, but not none!
dpkirchner 2mo ago
I assure you I am indeed uncool.
m463 2mo ago
I think people should foster "regular things" in the tiny things in their life. Not huge group potlucks/etc. If you go to lunch with a friend, ask "would you like to do this regularly?" lunch/walk/hike/movie/dinner/gaming/sewing/driving/<your-idea-here> weekly/every two weeks/every first saturday of the month don't worry about flakiness I've done this with a few people and my life has gotten better. at first it was a little awkward, but people RESPONDED to it. Others need this too!
- HDBaseT 2mo ago
  You are spot on. Throughout school, my mates would meet up at a lookout on Wednesday @ 3-5ish PM, go grab dinner and just hang out. Been doing this for 7 years straight. There is enough of us that someone being sick or away doesn't impact anything.
- nicbou 2mo ago
  My regular thing is Monday coworking at a specific cafe. It’s a great way to start the week. Sometimes there is six or seven of us. Sometimes just two. Sometimes we get dinner or drinks after or go to karaoke next door. Another is regular coffee + sports with a friend. We are slowly meeting and playing with the other regulars there and entering small tournaments. Still, it does require worrying about flakiness. It’s hard to get something off the ground if you can’t get enough commitment to book a table or even put it in your calendar . At some point if people want to make friends they should act like they care. It’s really frustrating that the person already making the effort to organise things should take on the emotional toll of making everyone else’s life as noncommittal as possible.
pvibby762 2mo ago
I'm 50, I have more real friends, every year of my life. Making new friends isn't hard, you just need to make it a priority, if you don't prioritize it then it won't happen. One of my old best friends from my 20's/30's only leaves the house to go to work, sits alone on social media circle jerk politics, never returns texts, the few times I've seen him he just complained about not having friends and it being everyone else's fault. If you want to make more friends, leave your house, go out and volunteer somewhere. Return calls/emails/texts with the people you meet. Do the work, get more friends.
- nicbou 2mo ago
  It’s hard to make it a priority on top of everything else, but I agree.
Molitor5901 2mo ago
IMHO the secret to making friends as an adult is to constantly put yourself in situations where you are forced to interact with others without any overarching elements of dating, sex, alcohol, or relationships. Like volunteering. Also, it takes time. I've learned that faith comes from trust, which comes from time, and experience. The more I am around others, gaining experience with our personalities, we come to trust one another, and build faith in friendship.
antback 2mo ago
In my experience, it is also very difficult. I’m playing tennis for more than a year and it has been almost impossible to make friends. People meet to play and barely shared some words. Same in Yoga classes. In my view, it depends on the personality. For some people is easy to engage, for others it is not.

50 points by downbad_ 2mo ago

> I was told that this person really had all the friends that they need. In my experience, this does tend to happen in smaller communities - a small town where everyone knows each other, and already has picked out all the people they're likely to be friends with. > Being intentional is essential, she says. > According to Franco, the key to building a community of friends is setting up planned interactions, like regular group events or rotating potlucks. For me, this is D&D.

merona_io 2mo ago
for me its indoor rock climbing great community

wifipunk 2mo ago

As someone who has experienced the opposite effect I think the trick is to just finding passion in what you do and your hobbies. The more of a resource I am around my interests the easier it’s always been more me to make new friends with those same interests just by having something to talk about

vunderba 2mo ago

If you’re responsible and you like animals, there’s no easier way to connect with people from all walks of life than by owning a dog. Assuming you live in a fairly dog‑friendly area, it becomes much easier to break the ice and spend time in shared spaces where everyone already has at least one thing in common.

drcongo 2mo ago
It's not just other dog walkers either, plenty of random folk will come up and talk to you just because you have an excellent dog.
- vunderba 2mo ago
  This is true also. My husky pyrenees is an 80 pounds photogenic stack of floof and attracts a lot of attention when we're going for walks downtown.
deleted 2mo ago
[deleted]

diseasedyak 2mo ago

I have exactly one friend. I had two, but one of them recently passed away suddenly. At 51, I can definitely say it's very hard to meet anyone. I guess I need to start playing D&D or board games or disc golf.

FeloniousHam 2mo ago
I can vouch for board games. I play DCC (D&D for grognards) and board games with a group I met through a guy at work. It was a little awkward at first, but we've been doing it every few weeks for years now.
moralestapia 2mo ago
I created (well ... bought the domain) https://clubs.fyi https://clubs.fyi to solve this problem for myself, after I moved to a new city and found myself with no friends for like the 4th time in my life[1]. And yes, the findings in TFA are true. The main catalyzer is something you do regularly with another person. That's it. It could be just sitting next to each other, but weekly. The best thing for this is joining a club, clubs happen around a common interest but also a club could just be something like "we sit on this bench every week". I got busy with work and other stuff and have not put in the care this project needs to get it off the ground, but if you're interested in helping out, feel free to reach out. Two takeaways (not mentioned in TFA): * Being intentional means knowing thyself and deciding what you want in your life with as much detail as you can. "I want to meet new people" is not as good as "I want to meet people who like baking muffins AND are actively engaged with it AND also want to meet other people that are heavily into muffins". Sure, the audience is greatly reduced the more specific you go, but the value of that group when you find it is 100x more rewarding. You don't need 100 friends, you only need 2 or 3 genuinely good friends :). * A lot of people are on the same boat as you, way more than you imagine. Something like 6-7 out of 10. So, grab your hometown population, multiply it by 0.7, that's how many people are willing to make new friends TODAY. The problem is that we have been trained to suck at meeting new people, the processes by which we discover each other and learn about each other has been labeled as "exposing yourself" by nu-psychologists (of which the vast majority should be imprisoned imo, but that's a different topic). The reason why this (fear) has been ingrained into the population is to have a mass of people who age/die faster because they are lonely and (induced to be) stupid; but again, that's a different topic, lol. I just want to give you the overall context. A club is the perfect excuse to let those guards down, after all, you and others think "I'm not a creep[2], I'm here because I genuinely like <collecting Pokemon cards or whatever>" and those connections start to flourish naturally (because they're natural, we are primed to meet people, we are primed to make connections). So, go ahead and just join one local club that caters to your interest; if it doesn't exist, create it, it will be a very rewarding experience. 1: Everyone told me to do D&D. I don't like D&D and trying to force yourself into something you don't really like just to meet people has low ROI (I've tried it for years, I stopped doing it). 2: Thinking you are one is part of the psychological abuse that was put in there on purpose and by design. I cannot stress this enough, one must understand the causes to tackle the disease properly.

kelseyfrog 2mo ago

In my experience, it just takes initiative. Think of it this way, if most people want more friends, then the odds are in your favor. It just takes a little vulnerability to bridge the social gap and make connections.

nicbou 2mo ago
Just be aware that vulnerability is not rewarded every time. People will be uninterested, busy, a poor match etc. It can be hard on you sometimes when you are trying your best.
- kelseyfrog 2mo ago
  Absolutely true. Nothing is guaranteed when it involves other people. Personally, I've struggled with rejection sensitivity. It's been a whole other journey to recognize this, and make progress despite the uncertainty of outcomes. It's one thing to know intellectually that failure has nothing to do with me. It's another to grapple with the social pain that arrives regardless of what I know.
  - nicbou 2mo ago
    Same here. It's odd because it feels so real and so painful in the moment, and a day later, the person texts back and everything is fine. Self-awareness helps a lot with managing it. I know how it played out every previous time, so I dismiss my feelings as irrational right from the start.

d4ng 2mo ago

For people into music: Would you be interested in an app that lists music events in your area, where you can register yourself as going, and where people can apply to go with you? What do you think would work well? What do you think the pitfalls might be?

ptrhvns 2mo ago
Yes, I'd be interested.
csh0 2mo ago
This exists for the electronic music scene, Radiate.
- d4ng 2mo ago
  Well, that’s good to know. Thanks.
- dpkirchner 2mo ago
  It looks like Radiate is an app-mandatory secondary ticket marketplace, I might be looking at the wrong Radiate though.
mrguyorama 2mo ago
"Lists events in your area" is always the hard part. The bars in my city don't have public APIs. If you start small and local, you could maybe get buy in from some places, "Send this address an email with event details and I will help you get butts in the door!" Also if you build any app that lets you meet new people, especially new people with compatible interests, Match Group will buy you out and turn whatever you built into another tinder.
- d4ng 2mo ago
  There is a number of centralised places for finding music events in London. None of them allow you to find people to go with. Regarding being bought out by Match: I wouldn't complain.

curation 2mo ago

Stand for something more than yourself. Be curious and learn about folks you meet. I am in my 50s and have many young and old friends, including 5 new ones this year.

SirMaster 2mo ago

Honestly I have found it easy to make friends as an adult. Just need to go and do activities with other single adults and they are likely open to and have time to be friends beyond the meeting activity in my experience.

throw-the-towel 2mo ago
Such as?
- littlecranky67 2mo ago
  Hiking / taking extend walks, boardgames, beach volleyball, gather at a ping pong table in a local park, volunteer work, walking a dog or dogsitting, movie & book clubs, language exchanges / classes, all sorts of courses at adult education centers, social dancing events, pub crawls, run clubs, poker nights, wine tasting, dining events, single meetups, pádel tournaments, ... It is really not that hard coming up with something.

runamuck 2mo ago

I decided to put the goal of making friends on "Hard Mode." I quit drinking.

picofarad 2mo ago
I never drank in public, is that hard mode too? I quit as well.

grvdrm 2mo ago

> homohysteria Do men (here) experience this often? Not often? I’ve not stumbled into this problem in many years. Perhaps this is an exaggerated issue. And I’m still making male friends - not every day, but not none!

dpkirchner 2mo ago

I assure you I am indeed uncool.

m463 2mo ago

I think people should foster "regular things" in the tiny things in their life. Not huge group potlucks/etc. If you go to lunch with a friend, ask "would you like to do this regularly?" lunch/walk/hike/movie/dinner/gaming/sewing/driving/<your-idea-here> weekly/every two weeks/every first saturday of the month don't worry about flakiness I've done this with a few people and my life has gotten better. at first it was a little awkward, but people RESPONDED to it. Others need this too!

HDBaseT 2mo ago
You are spot on. Throughout school, my mates would meet up at a lookout on Wednesday @ 3-5ish PM, go grab dinner and just hang out. Been doing this for 7 years straight. There is enough of us that someone being sick or away doesn't impact anything.
nicbou 2mo ago
My regular thing is Monday coworking at a specific cafe. It’s a great way to start the week. Sometimes there is six or seven of us. Sometimes just two. Sometimes we get dinner or drinks after or go to karaoke next door. Another is regular coffee + sports with a friend. We are slowly meeting and playing with the other regulars there and entering small tournaments. Still, it does require worrying about flakiness. It’s hard to get something off the ground if you can’t get enough commitment to book a table or even put it in your calendar . At some point if people want to make friends they should act like they care. It’s really frustrating that the person already making the effort to organise things should take on the emotional toll of making everyone else’s life as noncommittal as possible.

pvibby762 2mo ago

I'm 50, I have more real friends, every year of my life. Making new friends isn't hard, you just need to make it a priority, if you don't prioritize it then it won't happen. One of my old best friends from my 20's/30's only leaves the house to go to work, sits alone on social media circle jerk politics, never returns texts, the few times I've seen him he just complained about not having friends and it being everyone else's fault. If you want to make more friends, leave your house, go out and volunteer somewhere. Return calls/emails/texts with the people you meet. Do the work, get more friends.

nicbou 2mo ago
It’s hard to make it a priority on top of everything else, but I agree.

Molitor5901 2mo ago

IMHO the secret to making friends as an adult is to constantly put yourself in situations where you are forced to interact with others without any overarching elements of dating, sex, alcohol, or relationships. Like volunteering. Also, it takes time. I've learned that faith comes from trust, which comes from time, and experience. The more I am around others, gaining experience with our personalities, we come to trust one another, and build faith in friendship.

antback 2mo ago

In my experience, it is also very difficult. I’m playing tennis for more than a year and it has been almost impossible to make friends. People meet to play and barely shared some words. Same in Yoga classes. In my view, it depends on the personality. For some people is easy to engage, for others it is not.