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I'm unsure why this is on the HN front page, but while it's there I'll throw in an opinion... If the father had done a better job parenting instead of permissi

by gjenkin 14y ago

I'm unsure why this is on the HN front page, but while it's there I'll throw in an opinion... If the father had done a better job parenting instead of permissively coddling his children or allowing others to parent them, he would never have had to write this email. Parenting is coaching. It's a process of constantly weening children from dependency after dependency. It can be tough when they cry at every rule you put in place and at every missed chocolate or toy or tv show. But you have to be firm, stay true to your vision, and view yourself as saving your children from "the tyranny of their own desires". If you want it done right, you can't do it from a distance. You can't oursource the effort by sending them off to boarding school and hope someone else will do your job for you. It's not easy. I have 3 of my own. Perhaps the hardest thing to do is to realize that the way your kids turn out is largely due to how effectively you and your partner parent. Yes they make their own choices. But they should make those choices within a framework of confidence, intelligence and independence that you as a parent have cultivated. That's a lot of responsibility. But you have to take it on if you want to increase the chances of your children having good lives. Waiting until they're 40 to write them an email expressing your disappointment is far too little way too late.

mercutio2 14y ago
I am in deep agreement with the thrust of your argument, particularly parents job in relation to "the tyranny of their own desires". However, I can't agree with "Perhaps the hardest thing to do is to realize that the way your kids turn out is largely due to how effectively you and your partner parent." If you mean you as a parent will have an enormous impact on your child's life-arc, I certainly agree. But who a child is is often not nearly as malleable as parents, and especially non-parents think. Parenting matters enormously, but I can't agree how a child turns out is "largely" due to parenting.
- gjenkin 14y ago
  Sure. If you plant an acorn in crappy soil and fail to fertilize and nurture it, does it still turn into an oak tree (if it turns into anything at all)? Of course. But does it turn out as well as it would have if it got off to the right start and/or was cared for appropriately? Probably not. How the oak tree turned out is largely dependent on the environment it was raised in, the care and attention given to it, no? Humans have more ability to control or change their conditions than oak trees but the principle still applies reasonably well. At the very least, taking on this responsibility as a parent minimizes the chances that one will be absent or non-attentive.
lifeisstillgood 14y ago
I also deeply agree with your post - and love the "tyranny of their own desires" quote. However ... I have two kids and worry constantly that their dad will let them down in some slightly vague and unspecified manner that I won't notice till they are 16. I can cover the usual stuff of shelter, clothing, food, love, attention, bit of discipline etc. But there always seems to be one more thing that psychologists, parenting magazines or schools are aware of that I am not doing. Or doing wrong. I am coming round to the view however that evolution long ago decided that leaving the future of the human race in the hands of parents was far too risky - and kids are likely to grow up to be who they will be. And only extreme action will sway them. My actions now, will I hope, have some positive improvements on my childs happiness and life outcomes. But in the main who they are is a genetic gift. Mother Nature, as mothers are wont to do, decided that Dads are likely to be wrong too often to rely on. So I can relax and focus on trying to raise happy inquisitive kids - I shall try and focus on the big things - happiness, inquisitiveness, healthy lifestyle, not as bad with money as dad, marry a happy person. I think of it as like laying down railway tracks that slowly open up to become roads, then prairies with rules that trammell them becoming advice about exploring. And find out with them, just who they are going to grow up to be.

by gjenkin 14y ago

mercutio2 14y ago

I am in deep agreement with the thrust of your argument, particularly parents job in relation to "the tyranny of their own desires". However, I can't agree with "Perhaps the hardest thing to do is to realize that the way your kids turn out is largely due to how effectively you and your partner parent." If you mean you as a parent will have an enormous impact on your child's life-arc, I certainly agree. But who a child is is often not nearly as malleable as parents, and especially non-parents think. Parenting matters enormously, but I can't agree how a child turns out is "largely" due to parenting.

gjenkin 14y ago
Sure. If you plant an acorn in crappy soil and fail to fertilize and nurture it, does it still turn into an oak tree (if it turns into anything at all)? Of course. But does it turn out as well as it would have if it got off to the right start and/or was cared for appropriately? Probably not. How the oak tree turned out is largely dependent on the environment it was raised in, the care and attention given to it, no? Humans have more ability to control or change their conditions than oak trees but the principle still applies reasonably well. At the very least, taking on this responsibility as a parent minimizes the chances that one will be absent or non-attentive.

lifeisstillgood 14y ago

I also deeply agree with your post - and love the "tyranny of their own desires" quote. However ... I have two kids and worry constantly that their dad will let them down in some slightly vague and unspecified manner that I won't notice till they are 16. I can cover the usual stuff of shelter, clothing, food, love, attention, bit of discipline etc. But there always seems to be one more thing that psychologists, parenting magazines or schools are aware of that I am not doing. Or doing wrong. I am coming round to the view however that evolution long ago decided that leaving the future of the human race in the hands of parents was far too risky - and kids are likely to grow up to be who they will be. And only extreme action will sway them. My actions now, will I hope, have some positive improvements on my childs happiness and life outcomes. But in the main who they are is a genetic gift. Mother Nature, as mothers are wont to do, decided that Dads are likely to be wrong too often to rely on. So I can relax and focus on trying to raise happy inquisitive kids - I shall try and focus on the big things - happiness, inquisitiveness, healthy lifestyle, not as bad with money as dad, marry a happy person. I think of it as like laying down railway tracks that slowly open up to become roads, then prairies with rules that trammell them becoming advice about exploring. And find out with them, just who they are going to grow up to be.