4 ms·

I hope you're posting under a pseudonym. Revealing that one's wife had an affair is no small potatoes.

by moutard 14y ago

scottmagdalein 14y ago
Nope. I'm Scott. It's public knowledge. We were separated for eight months as a result of the affair. Everyone who knows us knows the reason for the separation.
- jacquesm 14y ago
  If you've really forgiven her then maybe you shouldn't be telling the rest of the world too.
  - scottmagdalein 14y ago
    Absolutely forgiven her. It's something we talk about. We help other couples dealing with the same type of hardship. Keeping it to ourselves doesn't prove forgiveness and it keeps us from helping others.
    - moutard 14y ago
      Humans are capable of incredible self-deception a la Robert Trivers: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/25/books/review/the-folly-of-fools-by-robert-trivers-book-review.html?pagewanted=all http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/25/books/review/the-folly-of-... You're most likely fighting your genes (or perhaps you're a mutant): maybe you'll win and maybe you won't. Here the _you_ I refer to here is that part which believes it has free will and can override the other (genetic) part.
      - scottmagdalein 14y ago
        I don't understand what you're saying.
        moutard 14y ago
        You could always look up Trivers' work. Apparently some other people think that they do understand what I'm saying but they don't like it and have consequently downgraded my post! It's the old "nature vs nurture" thing: those who don't like my posting are "nurturists" and believe that we're born as tabulae rasae, empty slates that learn all behavior; I'm seen as the "naturist" who believes that we're totally gene-controlled.
        scottmagdalein 14y ago
        I mean, what am I overriding in my nature? Maybe you mean forgiveness is overriding my nature to seek revenge or hold a grudge for some wrong doing. If that's the case, then yes I'm going against my nature. But nature is terrible at defining and shaping human relationships. We confuse "love" with affinity. "Love" is more like a verb that entails sacrifice, acceptance, and patience...along with affinity in a marital relationship, of course.
      - Natmas 14y ago
        Fighting the genes is in our genes and this is simply our ability to adapt, which is generally a good thing - though it is too often manifesting as counter-productively. So "fighting the genes" is sometimes not bad at all but I agree that most of the time it may be.
  - overgryphon 14y ago
    Publicly acknowledging his wife's affair could be seen as an act of forgiveness- he is showing that he isn't ashamed his wife had an affair. Protecting secrets implies the past affair is shameful even today, that his wife needs to feel constantly ashamed, and gives those who discover the secret the power to embarrass or emotionally attack him and his wife. Refusing to hide it is a public declaration that it really doesn't matter today.
- napoleond 14y ago
  I admire (and even envy) your ability to be transparent, although it has left me questioning the purpose of social taboos and whether or not the custom of attempting to keep knowledge of things like extramarital affairs private is beneficial or not. As 'jaquesm points out above, publicising it could be seen as a form of "public shaming". Attempting to hide it, however, leads to people in your community speaking in hushed tones behind your back, which is annoying and possibly a greater net negative in the long term. I realise that this may be more than you care to divulge, and I don't want to focus too much on your personal situation, but is there any particular reasoning or philosophy behind your unusual (I think it's fair to call it that) approach?
  - scottmagdalein 14y ago
    Being open about the affair has many benefits. It cripples the rumor mill, taking away the secretive intrigue. If it's out in the open, people have less to speculate about and less to talk about. It makes it possible for us to help other couples going through it. Dealing with this can be an incredibly lonely experience. We want to help make it less lonely for couples. Keeping it a secret doesn't help anyone and it's only built on the social need to keep up appearances. That's useless in a world where the only people's opinions that I care about are my family's.
    - napoleond 14y ago
      I can only hope to be as level-headed as you seem to be when life throws a new wrench my way. Good for you, and thanks.
      - shard 14y ago
        I first read it as "when life throws a new wench my way", and had to read it again since that would have been a clever pun.
  - namank 14y ago
    It would be a taboo and Scott's character could be questioned if his wife did not agree with the disclosure. That doesn't seem to be the case. Our social system could use more people like Scott and his (reformed) wife. To me, they look like leaders in personal development and growth, let alone relationships.

I hope you're posting under a pseudonym. Revealing that one's wife had an affair is no small potatoes.

by moutard 14y ago

I hope you're posting under a pseudonym. Revealing that one's wife had an affair is no small potatoes.

Nope. I'm Scott. It's public knowledge. We were separated for eight months as a result of the affair. Everyone who knows us knows the reason for the separation.

jacquesm 14y ago
If you've really forgiven her then maybe you shouldn't be telling the rest of the world too.
- scottmagdalein 14y ago
  Absolutely forgiven her. It's something we talk about. We help other couples dealing with the same type of hardship. Keeping it to ourselves doesn't prove forgiveness and it keeps us from helping others.
  - moutard 14y ago
    Humans are capable of incredible self-deception a la Robert Trivers: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/25/books/review/the-folly-of-fools-by-robert-trivers-book-review.html?pagewanted=all http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/25/books/review/the-folly-of-... You're most likely fighting your genes (or perhaps you're a mutant): maybe you'll win and maybe you won't. Here the _you_ I refer to here is that part which believes it has free will and can override the other (genetic) part.
    - scottmagdalein 14y ago
      I don't understand what you're saying.
      - moutard 14y ago
        You could always look up Trivers' work. Apparently some other people think that they do understand what I'm saying but they don't like it and have consequently downgraded my post! It's the old "nature vs nurture" thing: those who don't like my posting are "nurturists" and believe that we're born as tabulae rasae, empty slates that learn all behavior; I'm seen as the "naturist" who believes that we're totally gene-controlled.
        scottmagdalein 14y ago
        I mean, what am I overriding in my nature? Maybe you mean forgiveness is overriding my nature to seek revenge or hold a grudge for some wrong doing. If that's the case, then yes I'm going against my nature. But nature is terrible at defining and shaping human relationships. We confuse "love" with affinity. "Love" is more like a verb that entails sacrifice, acceptance, and patience...along with affinity in a marital relationship, of course.
    - Natmas 14y ago
      Fighting the genes is in our genes and this is simply our ability to adapt, which is generally a good thing - though it is too often manifesting as counter-productively. So "fighting the genes" is sometimes not bad at all but I agree that most of the time it may be.
- overgryphon 14y ago
  Publicly acknowledging his wife's affair could be seen as an act of forgiveness- he is showing that he isn't ashamed his wife had an affair. Protecting secrets implies the past affair is shameful even today, that his wife needs to feel constantly ashamed, and gives those who discover the secret the power to embarrass or emotionally attack him and his wife. Refusing to hide it is a public declaration that it really doesn't matter today.
napoleond 14y ago
I admire (and even envy) your ability to be transparent, although it has left me questioning the purpose of social taboos and whether or not the custom of attempting to keep knowledge of things like extramarital affairs private is beneficial or not. As 'jaquesm points out above, publicising it could be seen as a form of "public shaming". Attempting to hide it, however, leads to people in your community speaking in hushed tones behind your back, which is annoying and possibly a greater net negative in the long term. I realise that this may be more than you care to divulge, and I don't want to focus too much on your personal situation, but is there any particular reasoning or philosophy behind your unusual (I think it's fair to call it that) approach?
- scottmagdalein 14y ago
  Being open about the affair has many benefits. It cripples the rumor mill, taking away the secretive intrigue. If it's out in the open, people have less to speculate about and less to talk about. It makes it possible for us to help other couples going through it. Dealing with this can be an incredibly lonely experience. We want to help make it less lonely for couples. Keeping it a secret doesn't help anyone and it's only built on the social need to keep up appearances. That's useless in a world where the only people's opinions that I care about are my family's.
  - napoleond 14y ago
    I can only hope to be as level-headed as you seem to be when life throws a new wrench my way. Good for you, and thanks.
    - shard 14y ago
      I first read it as "when life throws a new wench my way", and had to read it again since that would have been a clever pun.
- namank 14y ago
  It would be a taboo and Scott's character could be questioned if his wife did not agree with the disclosure. That doesn't seem to be the case. Our social system could use more people like Scott and his (reformed) wife. To me, they look like leaders in personal development and growth, let alone relationships.