3 ms·

Similar idea: don't go through life anonymously. Go to your professor's office hours, learn the names of your neighbors, become a regular at the local sandwich

Similar idea: don't go through life anonymously. Go to your professor's office hours, learn the names of your neighbors, become a regular at the local sandwich shop and shoot the breeze with staff, ask the people you're waiting in line alongside if they have any good jokes. Don't be fooled that social media and conspicuous consumption are the best paths to community.

jasonpeacock 4mo ago
That all sounds exhausting (introvert here). The last thing I want to do when out in public is be stuck talking with strangers.
- deleted 4mo ago
  [deleted]
- knorker 4mo ago
  As a fellow introvert, I would recommend that you see it as taking medication. Or getting exercise. You don't do it because you like it. You do it because if you don't, then you'll be worse off years later.
  - jader201 4mo ago
    > You do it because if you don't, then you'll be worse off years later. This feels hyperbolic. While I would agree that community and remaining connected are very important to overall health, I don’t feel like making a habit of talking to strangers is a prerequisite.
    - lukan 4mo ago
      "I don’t feel like making a habit of talking to strangers is a prerequisite." But if you practise that skill, you will then also be able to pick up a conversation with people you do find interesting.
      - card_zero 4mo ago
        You might not be interested in knitting, but if you keep a pair of needles around and practice a few stitches regularly, you will gain the necessary skill to do any knitting that you do find interesting. Humans are knitting animals.
    - ChrisMarshallNY 4mo ago
      > This feels hyperbolic. In my experience, it is not. I'm "on the spectrum." In my case, it has been a net positive, because it afforded me the career that I have, but it has made interpersonal relationships difficult. I have also spent my entire adult life, in a community that forces us to have fairly intimate interpersonal relationships (a program of personal Recovery). It has been exhausting (you'll always find me in the kitchen at parties), but it has also been seriously therapeutic. These days, it's almost unnoticeable. Definitely still there (ask my wife), but most folks never have a clue.
  - xRyen 4mo ago
    This is something I've definitely lived by for many years. Nearly all of my colleagues and friends don't believe me when I say I'm an introvert. I purposely put the effort in to make meaningful connections with anyone I can and it has paid off more times than I could ever count. Is it exhausting? Absolutely. But in my mind, the alternative is worse. People are great. Get to know them.
  - SoftTalker 4mo ago
    You say this as if introversion is something to be "cured." It's like telling a gay man that he just needs to try dating more women. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert. It's not really a choice in the first place.
    - knorker 4mo ago
      > You say this as if introversion is something to be "cured." Not at all what I'm saying. You don't get cured by exercise either. You're never "done" exercising. It's just a thing you do, in order to have a long term better life. I don't like talking to strangers. It still tastes like medicine. I have no expectation that I'll ever like it. But I still have to take my medicine, or I'll be worse off long term. And like being sore if you've not exercised in a while, the aversion to being social is stronger after taking a "solitude vacation". But you can't not do it. So yeah, you completely misunderstood.
      - SoftTalker 4mo ago
        I still think when you use terms like "take my medicine" it's like you're trying to cure (or treat) a disease. Why will you be worse off? For me, being social is tiring and uncomfortable, but unlike exercise I don't see a benefit.
        knorker 4mo ago
        > I still think when you use terms like "take my medicine" it's like you're trying to cure (or treat) a disease. Well, that's on you. Especially since I also added "Or getting exercise" and another clarifying paragraph after that. > For me, being social is tiring and uncomfortable Exactly my point. "But I don't wanna!". Yeah. That's why i compare it with taking your yucky tasting medicine, or exercising. > I don't see a benefit. Pearls before swine, I suppose. Shrug.
        jader201 4mo ago
        You’re missing the parent’s point. You’re still making introversion out to be something that you should work at to compensate or fix, because not doing so would be unhealthy. E.g. you exercise because if you don’t, you risk disease, cancer, and a host of other physical issues. There’s nothing unhealthy about never striking up conversations with strangers. There are more natural and organic ways to meet and interact with people you don’t know (many have been covered in other comments). But striking up conversations with random strangers in public shouldn’t be equated with exercise.
- hk__2 4mo ago
  As an introvert, one thing that works is that I repeatedly go to the same shops and restaurants so people know me and I know them, and we’re not strangers anymore.
- jagenabler2 4mo ago
  The price of community is inconvenience
  - forshaper 4mo ago
    The price of a strong community is extreme annoyance (and it's worth every bit of frustration)
    - em-bee 4mo ago
      that's not a strong community, but an overbearing, suffocating one. but that behavior leads to disagreement or disunity. it's why i left germany/europe btw. a strong community stands by its members. it supports them. it doesn't annoy them.
- lukan 4mo ago
  "is be stuck talking with strangers." Then learn not just how to start, but also how to end a conversation. I hated having to do small talk with people - until I learned that I had not to. I now can share something interesting - and then go back to minding my buisness. (If the other person is deaf on their end - strong signals to end a conversation are looking away, turning the body away, opening up ones laptop ... (or put out the damn phone) or put on earphones)
jader201 4mo ago
> ask the people you're waiting in line alongside if they have any good jokes. I know no one who tries striking up a conversation with strangers, and I feel like the majority of strangers would be annoyed/uncomfortable with this.
- bluGill 4mo ago
  Somehow everyone gets friends - which means at some point in life everyone did talk to a stranger.
  - jader201 4mo ago
    I feel like there are natural settings for making friends. E.g. - Frequenting the same restaurants/stores (HT earlier sibling comment) - Joining clubs/communities/churches - Parents of kids’ friends - Networking: Friends of family / family of friends / friends of friends - Workplace (obviously) I feel like this is how friendships/relationships happen more organically vs. the OP’s suggestion of talking to “someone waiting in line”.
  - em-bee 4mo ago
    for me the key difference is who initiates the conversation. i never do, unless i have to. but i want to talk to people, so my approach is to put myself into situations where they want to talk to me. the next issue is that sometimes the conversation is boring. that's stressful, but i have more control here because i can try to change the topic. i already know that this person wants to talk, so now it's my turn to probe and find out if they want to talk about something that i find interesting. it helps to have a wide range of interests, and for me the main problem is meaningless smalltalk, but anything deeper that is of interest to the other person is ok again. i act like i am amateur anthropologist. tell me something about yourself...
  - hk__2 4mo ago
    You make friends by meeting the same people in the same place(s) for a while: school, work, sport club, etc.
- aljgz 4mo ago
boothby 4mo ago
If you're going to strike up conversation with strangers, it's best if you make it easy for them. If you're asking for a joke, you're making it easy on yourself and setting a bar for them. I'm a jokester but I don't have a good repertoire of jokes on hand -- I respond to banter. So if you ask me if I have a joke, I often just sputter and throw out the last bad pun somebody shared with me. Make a joke yourself, if you're feeling funny. But be warned... a stranger once asked me why I was going on a trip. I was visiting my dad who was presently in surgery for cancer that would go on to end his life. I was too emotional to answer with anything but the truth. I certainly wasn't going to respond well to humor.
- SoftTalker 4mo ago
  > I was visiting my dad who was presently in surgery for cancer This is the risk of striking up conversations with strangers. You have no idea what their mood, concerns, or troubles might be. So please be prepared for a less-than-pleasant subject to talk about if you insist on intruding on someone else's thoughts.
optikaluzion 4mo ago
This is great advice. Although, the hardest part for me is the interaction with the neighbors, simply because it's not an easy relationship to sever if things go sideways. Still good to know the name of the crazy neighbor, I suppose.

jasonpeacock 4mo ago

That all sounds exhausting (introvert here). The last thing I want to do when out in public is be stuck talking with strangers.

deleted 4mo ago
[deleted]
knorker 4mo ago
As a fellow introvert, I would recommend that you see it as taking medication. Or getting exercise. You don't do it because you like it. You do it because if you don't, then you'll be worse off years later.
- jader201 4mo ago
  > You do it because if you don't, then you'll be worse off years later. This feels hyperbolic. While I would agree that community and remaining connected are very important to overall health, I don’t feel like making a habit of talking to strangers is a prerequisite.
  - lukan 4mo ago
    "I don’t feel like making a habit of talking to strangers is a prerequisite." But if you practise that skill, you will then also be able to pick up a conversation with people you do find interesting.
    - card_zero 4mo ago
      You might not be interested in knitting, but if you keep a pair of needles around and practice a few stitches regularly, you will gain the necessary skill to do any knitting that you do find interesting. Humans are knitting animals.
  - ChrisMarshallNY 4mo ago
    > This feels hyperbolic. In my experience, it is not. I'm "on the spectrum." In my case, it has been a net positive, because it afforded me the career that I have, but it has made interpersonal relationships difficult. I have also spent my entire adult life, in a community that forces us to have fairly intimate interpersonal relationships (a program of personal Recovery). It has been exhausting (you'll always find me in the kitchen at parties), but it has also been seriously therapeutic. These days, it's almost unnoticeable. Definitely still there (ask my wife), but most folks never have a clue.
- xRyen 4mo ago
  This is something I've definitely lived by for many years. Nearly all of my colleagues and friends don't believe me when I say I'm an introvert. I purposely put the effort in to make meaningful connections with anyone I can and it has paid off more times than I could ever count. Is it exhausting? Absolutely. But in my mind, the alternative is worse. People are great. Get to know them.
- SoftTalker 4mo ago
  You say this as if introversion is something to be "cured." It's like telling a gay man that he just needs to try dating more women. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert. It's not really a choice in the first place.
  - knorker 4mo ago
    > You say this as if introversion is something to be "cured." Not at all what I'm saying. You don't get cured by exercise either. You're never "done" exercising. It's just a thing you do, in order to have a long term better life. I don't like talking to strangers. It still tastes like medicine. I have no expectation that I'll ever like it. But I still have to take my medicine, or I'll be worse off long term. And like being sore if you've not exercised in a while, the aversion to being social is stronger after taking a "solitude vacation". But you can't not do it. So yeah, you completely misunderstood.
    - SoftTalker 4mo ago
      I still think when you use terms like "take my medicine" it's like you're trying to cure (or treat) a disease. Why will you be worse off? For me, being social is tiring and uncomfortable, but unlike exercise I don't see a benefit.
      - knorker 4mo ago
        > I still think when you use terms like "take my medicine" it's like you're trying to cure (or treat) a disease. Well, that's on you. Especially since I also added "Or getting exercise" and another clarifying paragraph after that. > For me, being social is tiring and uncomfortable Exactly my point. "But I don't wanna!". Yeah. That's why i compare it with taking your yucky tasting medicine, or exercising. > I don't see a benefit. Pearls before swine, I suppose. Shrug.
        jader201 4mo ago
        You’re missing the parent’s point. You’re still making introversion out to be something that you should work at to compensate or fix, because not doing so would be unhealthy. E.g. you exercise because if you don’t, you risk disease, cancer, and a host of other physical issues. There’s nothing unhealthy about never striking up conversations with strangers. There are more natural and organic ways to meet and interact with people you don’t know (many have been covered in other comments). But striking up conversations with random strangers in public shouldn’t be equated with exercise.
hk__2 4mo ago
As an introvert, one thing that works is that I repeatedly go to the same shops and restaurants so people know me and I know them, and we’re not strangers anymore.
jagenabler2 4mo ago
The price of community is inconvenience
- forshaper 4mo ago
  The price of a strong community is extreme annoyance (and it's worth every bit of frustration)
  - em-bee 4mo ago
    that's not a strong community, but an overbearing, suffocating one. but that behavior leads to disagreement or disunity. it's why i left germany/europe btw. a strong community stands by its members. it supports them. it doesn't annoy them.
lukan 4mo ago
"is be stuck talking with strangers." Then learn not just how to start, but also how to end a conversation. I hated having to do small talk with people - until I learned that I had not to. I now can share something interesting - and then go back to minding my buisness. (If the other person is deaf on their end - strong signals to end a conversation are looking away, turning the body away, opening up ones laptop ... (or put out the damn phone) or put on earphones)

jader201 4mo ago

> ask the people you're waiting in line alongside if they have any good jokes. I know no one who tries striking up a conversation with strangers, and I feel like the majority of strangers would be annoyed/uncomfortable with this.

bluGill 4mo ago
Somehow everyone gets friends - which means at some point in life everyone did talk to a stranger.
- jader201 4mo ago
  I feel like there are natural settings for making friends. E.g. - Frequenting the same restaurants/stores (HT earlier sibling comment) - Joining clubs/communities/churches - Parents of kids’ friends - Networking: Friends of family / family of friends / friends of friends - Workplace (obviously) I feel like this is how friendships/relationships happen more organically vs. the OP’s suggestion of talking to “someone waiting in line”.
- em-bee 4mo ago
  for me the key difference is who initiates the conversation. i never do, unless i have to. but i want to talk to people, so my approach is to put myself into situations where they want to talk to me. the next issue is that sometimes the conversation is boring. that's stressful, but i have more control here because i can try to change the topic. i already know that this person wants to talk, so now it's my turn to probe and find out if they want to talk about something that i find interesting. it helps to have a wide range of interests, and for me the main problem is meaningless smalltalk, but anything deeper that is of interest to the other person is ok again. i act like i am amateur anthropologist. tell me something about yourself...
- hk__2 4mo ago
  You make friends by meeting the same people in the same place(s) for a while: school, work, sport club, etc.
aljgz 4mo ago

boothby 4mo ago

If you're going to strike up conversation with strangers, it's best if you make it easy for them. If you're asking for a joke, you're making it easy on yourself and setting a bar for them. I'm a jokester but I don't have a good repertoire of jokes on hand -- I respond to banter. So if you ask me if I have a joke, I often just sputter and throw out the last bad pun somebody shared with me. Make a joke yourself, if you're feeling funny. But be warned... a stranger once asked me why I was going on a trip. I was visiting my dad who was presently in surgery for cancer that would go on to end his life. I was too emotional to answer with anything but the truth. I certainly wasn't going to respond well to humor.

SoftTalker 4mo ago
> I was visiting my dad who was presently in surgery for cancer This is the risk of striking up conversations with strangers. You have no idea what their mood, concerns, or troubles might be. So please be prepared for a less-than-pleasant subject to talk about if you insist on intruding on someone else's thoughts.

optikaluzion 4mo ago

This is great advice. Although, the hardest part for me is the interaction with the neighbors, simply because it's not an easy relationship to sever if things go sideways. Still good to know the name of the crazy neighbor, I suppose.