4 ms·

Talking to strangers is a skill. You can practice it! I've made a point of trying to practice, albeit halfheartedly, and even though it's difficult for me, beca

xquce 4mo ago
Agree with the first part, very important! Not the second, however. I joined my local fitness gym some months ago and use it to connect to people in the small town I moved to. Almost every time I'm there I manage to chat to someone briefly, and 50% of them have earpods in. Most of them now look up and greet me when we pass and multiple have up to me on other days to chat afterwards. It's a skill and part of that skill is being able to give people an out of the chat if they don't feel for it, not interrupting at a bad time (mid set in a gym setting). My starter is usually a quick question with a "thank you so much, I'm new here" and if they reach for earpods to put back as they say you welcome, perfect you don't keep going. For the ones who want to chat keep them off and respond or ask something in return. So headphones/earpods can be a barrier but for me it's a useful barrier and a clear signal, which helps both parties.
norome 4mo ago
I just pretend I haven't noticed they have earbuds in and start talking to them. Virtually everyone seems happy to have an interaction, I get the feeling people are a bit starved for random friendly contact.
- steve1977 4mo ago
  I would get very irritated by such behavior. One reason I wear earbuds is to signal that I don't want to get talked to.
  - GJim 4mo ago
    Have you tried simply telling people you don't want to talk? "Sorry mate, I'm reading" is hardly difficult.
    - steve1977 4mo ago
      Why would you initiate talk with me in the first place, when we're in a situation where I have not explicitly chosen contact with you? (say on a train) Also reading something would be a clear signal (also to me) that a person doesn't want to get disturbed. When I have to tell you that I don't want to talk, you have already disturbed me. So, taking the cues here clearly is on you, not on me, at least in my opinion. Edit: To clarify a bit, I'm talking about places with involuntary social contact, like for example a train or a grocery store. I go on a train because I have to get somewhere, not because I want to interact with people. It would be a different scenario say in a bar.
      - poncho_romero 4mo ago
        If you are in a public space, I think it's totally fair game to initiate talk. It's also totally fair game to signal that you aren't interested.
    - wolvoleo 4mo ago
      If you're reading it's kinda obvious, and it's pretty annoying to be interrupted.
      - norome 3mo ago
        actually i can say that most people with a book and no headphones are the most ready to have a chat about what they're reading and beyond.
    - techdmn 4mo ago
      This is actually very difficult for a significant number of people. Some people really struggle with saying "no" or enforcing boundaries, some people are very wary of negative interactions with strangers. If you are relying on people to explicitly push back on you, rather than reading more subtle queues, you are quite likely adding stress to someone's day.
  - norome 3mo ago
    It's actually funny if you talk to a lot of people, to see that so many are really excited to have a real, random little chat or comment. Even funnier is seeing the people who have forgotten the small pleasures of living among others.
- kdheiwns 4mo ago
  I don't wear AirPods/headphones of any sort in public but I don't like talking to strangers while out and about and get very uncomfortable since it's almost always someone trying to get something from me. But every time someone does randomly talk to me, I smile and laugh and I'm very cordial. Because people who approach strangers generally get quite angry when they're outright shot down. That doesn't at all mean I'm happy to talk. A smile is often just a defensive response.
  - ChoGGi 4mo ago
    Just trying to spread a little cheer and human connection, getting angry is the last thing I'd do.
    - poncho_romero 4mo ago
      Amen!
  - norome 3mo ago
    I think HN probably oversamples for people who like to be left alone, which I get. When I talk to strangers it's pretty easy to detect who would be open based on their clothing choices and body language.
- rimliu 4mo ago
  So you are bad at reading signs. And that "seems happy" may be just "are too polite to punch you".
  - norome 3mo ago
    when people don't want to talk, they keep one earbud in and the other ready to pop back in. then you say adios and move on. If someone punched me for a friendly comment It's clear who has the problem.
- jnovek 4mo ago
  > Virtually everyone seems happy to have an interaction If a stranger bothers me while I have my headphones on I may act friendly and polite, but I am actually very irritated.
  - norome 3mo ago
    It's actually funny if you talk to a lot of people, to see that so many are really excited to have a real, random little chat or comment. Even funnier is seeing the rare people who have completely forgotten the small pleasures of living among others.
microtonal 4mo ago
Talking to strangers is a skill. You can practice it! I've made a point of trying to practice, albeit halfheartedly, and even though it's difficult for me, because I like it when other people try to talk to me. It is definitely something one can learn. I also like it very much. Most people are just very nice and love chatting a bit as well (just be respectful of their time and know when to bow out). There are also other functions that purely having a good time. E.g. when you are in a train with reserved seats, striking op a conversation is also a good way of gauging whether it's ok to leave your bags when you leave your seat to grab a drink or some food. Also, people feel more responsible looking after your stuff once you have socialized a bit. For me it's not super-difficult. I came from a small village where it is normal to greet people and maybe chat, even if you don't know them.
- dpkirchner 4mo ago
  > Most people are just very nice and love chatting a bit as well In my experience, this depends on the context. Everywhere I've lived the only time strangers try to talk to me is to either a) ask for directions (1%) or b) beg for money (99%). I see people in these comments suggesting we should just say no thanks I don't want to chat -- I'd have to repeat that a dozen times a day. It's exhausting and I don't gain anything from it. I figure these folks must live in totally different locations. > I came from a small village where it is normal to greet people and maybe chat, even if you don't know them. Yeah, I could see that. If my village/city wasn't plagued by petition beggars or money beggars or merchant beggars I'd probably be more interested in engaging.
GJim 4mo ago
> Talking to strangers is a skill. You can practice it! This is HN mate! You need to design an app so people can practice it. (Alternately, rant something about "pick up artists").
- Gigachad 4mo ago
  The app should just disable your phone for the day so you have nothing to do but interact with the world.
  - GJim 4mo ago
    We used to advocate governments turning off the internet on Friday nights and redirecting all WWW traffic to a test-card that says "Go to the pub".
pjc50 4mo ago
> I like it when other people try to talk to me. Probably an unpopular point on HN, but this is very gendered. There's a lot of women who don't want to be chatted up who wear headphones, and therefore a lot of men who are annoyed at this visible signal that the woman doesn't want to listen to them. We can leave room for "not wearing headphones is a signal that you're open to talk" without having to pressure people who aren't.
- petesergeant 4mo ago
  > therefore a lot of men who are annoyed at this visible signal that the woman doesn't want to listen to them I mean I'm sure there's a guy somewhere who's annoyed by this, but "a lot of men who are annoyed" feels like making up a group of people to be angry at.
  - ben_w 4mo ago
    Given how the media amplify things, it could perhaps be literally just one guy, but FWIW I too have heard of the phenomenon pjc50 described.
    - mr_toad 4mo ago
      > Given how the media amplify things, it could perhaps be literally just one guy If you go to popular tourist spots in Europe there’s usually that one guy who’s trying to scam everyone who passes by. It only takes one to be a huge nuisance.
      - someguydave 4mo ago
        yep. Just like it only takes a few prolific spammers to ruin email, it only takes a few antisocial con men to make "talking to strangers" seem like an imposition.
      - petesergeant 4mo ago
        Sure, there are plenty of guys who are nuisances in all sorts of situations, but are there lots of guys who are angry that women use headphones?
wolvoleo 4mo ago
> Earbuds stop this practice dead in its tracks. You can't deny that. Yes it's a signal. For you to go find someone else to talk to :) That doesn't mean I'm antisocial, there's just places where I go to be open to talk to people. Like bars, meetups, stuff like that. And places where I'm just to get from A to B and I don't want to. Usually when I'm in public transport I'm going to/from the office and I'm stressed because I deeply hate working in the office since Corona (no more fixed desks etc). So I need my space.
rimliu 4mo ago
You may like it, others may not. I hate when random strangers talk to me. Unless you are skilled to distinguish willing from not, you are training your skill at the expense of others.
- embedding-shape 4mo ago
  Kind of black and white. I think everyone agrees to not chat up strangers sitting reading books, listening to music or whatever, but if you're idle, what's the harm in saying "No thanks, I don't want to chat" or something similar if someone asks you something? And yes, of course don't try to speak with people who obviously don't want to be spoken to. Quick way to find out, is to ask "Can I ask you a question?" and then you leave space both for the people who don't want to chat, and the ones that do :) I used to judge that based on people's faces, but the faces lie a lot, and some people basically default to looking pissed off, while they can be very warm people, and also vice-versa, so in the end asking up front seems to be the nicest way for everyone to be OK with it.
- ubercow13 4mo ago
  What types of social interaction should be permitted in society?
  - Gigachad 4mo ago
    HN is not a good place to ask about social skills.
jnovek 4mo ago
> I like it when other people try to talk to me. I don’t.
- poncho_romero 4mo ago
  Skill issue I'm afraid ;) (Said as someone who used to feel the same way, before I discovered the joys of talking to strangers.)
  - jnovek 4mo ago
    I don’t mind talking to strangers, I’m actually a very chatty and genial person. Some would even say that I don’t know how to shut up. I just don’t want people (strangers or otherwise) to interrupt me at times when I don’t want to talk. My question is, why do you think you’re entitled to consume strangers’ time?
    - poncho_romero 4mo ago
      I think we see things differently. I view conversation as an offer, with no expectations either way. Whereas you seem to put more weight on it, I'd guess because the ADHD you mentioned in another comment means interruptions are more impactful for you. I'm not sure there is a way to bridge this gap, because for me (based both on my understanding of modern psychological research and personal experience), a world without talking to strangers is a much impoverished one emotionally and spiritually. I'm afraid I'm willing to throw your mental wellbeing out with the bathwater on this, though I feel bad about doing so.
      - jnovek 4mo ago
        > I'm willing to throw your mental wellbeing out with the bathwater on this, though I feel bad about doing so. So what, disabled people should just stay home? That’s your answer, just make society hostile to people like me? I bet there’s a middle road that you’re not considering, but because it’s not important to you, the disabled person should just accept a lower quality of life for your convenience.

xquce 4mo ago

Agree with the first part, very important! Not the second, however. I joined my local fitness gym some months ago and use it to connect to people in the small town I moved to. Almost every time I'm there I manage to chat to someone briefly, and 50% of them have earpods in. Most of them now look up and greet me when we pass and multiple have up to me on other days to chat afterwards. It's a skill and part of that skill is being able to give people an out of the chat if they don't feel for it, not interrupting at a bad time (mid set in a gym setting). My starter is usually a quick question with a "thank you so much, I'm new here" and if they reach for earpods to put back as they say you welcome, perfect you don't keep going. For the ones who want to chat keep them off and respond or ask something in return. So headphones/earpods can be a barrier but for me it's a useful barrier and a clear signal, which helps both parties.

norome 4mo ago

I just pretend I haven't noticed they have earbuds in and start talking to them. Virtually everyone seems happy to have an interaction, I get the feeling people are a bit starved for random friendly contact.

steve1977 4mo ago
I would get very irritated by such behavior. One reason I wear earbuds is to signal that I don't want to get talked to.
- GJim 4mo ago
  Have you tried simply telling people you don't want to talk? "Sorry mate, I'm reading" is hardly difficult.
  - steve1977 4mo ago
    Why would you initiate talk with me in the first place, when we're in a situation where I have not explicitly chosen contact with you? (say on a train) Also reading something would be a clear signal (also to me) that a person doesn't want to get disturbed. When I have to tell you that I don't want to talk, you have already disturbed me. So, taking the cues here clearly is on you, not on me, at least in my opinion. Edit: To clarify a bit, I'm talking about places with involuntary social contact, like for example a train or a grocery store. I go on a train because I have to get somewhere, not because I want to interact with people. It would be a different scenario say in a bar.
    - poncho_romero 4mo ago
      If you are in a public space, I think it's totally fair game to initiate talk. It's also totally fair game to signal that you aren't interested.
  - wolvoleo 4mo ago
    If you're reading it's kinda obvious, and it's pretty annoying to be interrupted.
    - norome 3mo ago
      actually i can say that most people with a book and no headphones are the most ready to have a chat about what they're reading and beyond.
  - techdmn 4mo ago
    This is actually very difficult for a significant number of people. Some people really struggle with saying "no" or enforcing boundaries, some people are very wary of negative interactions with strangers. If you are relying on people to explicitly push back on you, rather than reading more subtle queues, you are quite likely adding stress to someone's day.
- norome 3mo ago
  It's actually funny if you talk to a lot of people, to see that so many are really excited to have a real, random little chat or comment. Even funnier is seeing the people who have forgotten the small pleasures of living among others.
kdheiwns 4mo ago
I don't wear AirPods/headphones of any sort in public but I don't like talking to strangers while out and about and get very uncomfortable since it's almost always someone trying to get something from me. But every time someone does randomly talk to me, I smile and laugh and I'm very cordial. Because people who approach strangers generally get quite angry when they're outright shot down. That doesn't at all mean I'm happy to talk. A smile is often just a defensive response.
- ChoGGi 4mo ago
  Just trying to spread a little cheer and human connection, getting angry is the last thing I'd do.
  - poncho_romero 4mo ago
    Amen!
- norome 3mo ago
  I think HN probably oversamples for people who like to be left alone, which I get. When I talk to strangers it's pretty easy to detect who would be open based on their clothing choices and body language.
rimliu 4mo ago
So you are bad at reading signs. And that "seems happy" may be just "are too polite to punch you".
- norome 3mo ago
  when people don't want to talk, they keep one earbud in and the other ready to pop back in. then you say adios and move on. If someone punched me for a friendly comment It's clear who has the problem.
jnovek 4mo ago
> Virtually everyone seems happy to have an interaction If a stranger bothers me while I have my headphones on I may act friendly and polite, but I am actually very irritated.
- norome 3mo ago
  It's actually funny if you talk to a lot of people, to see that so many are really excited to have a real, random little chat or comment. Even funnier is seeing the rare people who have completely forgotten the small pleasures of living among others.

microtonal 4mo ago

Talking to strangers is a skill. You can practice it! I've made a point of trying to practice, albeit halfheartedly, and even though it's difficult for me, because I like it when other people try to talk to me. It is definitely something one can learn. I also like it very much. Most people are just very nice and love chatting a bit as well (just be respectful of their time and know when to bow out). There are also other functions that purely having a good time. E.g. when you are in a train with reserved seats, striking op a conversation is also a good way of gauging whether it's ok to leave your bags when you leave your seat to grab a drink or some food. Also, people feel more responsible looking after your stuff once you have socialized a bit. For me it's not super-difficult. I came from a small village where it is normal to greet people and maybe chat, even if you don't know them.

dpkirchner 4mo ago
> Most people are just very nice and love chatting a bit as well In my experience, this depends on the context. Everywhere I've lived the only time strangers try to talk to me is to either a) ask for directions (1%) or b) beg for money (99%). I see people in these comments suggesting we should just say no thanks I don't want to chat -- I'd have to repeat that a dozen times a day. It's exhausting and I don't gain anything from it. I figure these folks must live in totally different locations. > I came from a small village where it is normal to greet people and maybe chat, even if you don't know them. Yeah, I could see that. If my village/city wasn't plagued by petition beggars or money beggars or merchant beggars I'd probably be more interested in engaging.

GJim 4mo ago

> Talking to strangers is a skill. You can practice it! This is HN mate! You need to design an app so people can practice it. (Alternately, rant something about "pick up artists").

Gigachad 4mo ago
The app should just disable your phone for the day so you have nothing to do but interact with the world.
- GJim 4mo ago
  We used to advocate governments turning off the internet on Friday nights and redirecting all WWW traffic to a test-card that says "Go to the pub".

pjc50 4mo ago

> I like it when other people try to talk to me. Probably an unpopular point on HN, but this is very gendered. There's a lot of women who don't want to be chatted up who wear headphones, and therefore a lot of men who are annoyed at this visible signal that the woman doesn't want to listen to them. We can leave room for "not wearing headphones is a signal that you're open to talk" without having to pressure people who aren't.

petesergeant 4mo ago
> therefore a lot of men who are annoyed at this visible signal that the woman doesn't want to listen to them I mean I'm sure there's a guy somewhere who's annoyed by this, but "a lot of men who are annoyed" feels like making up a group of people to be angry at.
- ben_w 4mo ago
  Given how the media amplify things, it could perhaps be literally just one guy, but FWIW I too have heard of the phenomenon pjc50 described.
  - mr_toad 4mo ago
    > Given how the media amplify things, it could perhaps be literally just one guy If you go to popular tourist spots in Europe there’s usually that one guy who’s trying to scam everyone who passes by. It only takes one to be a huge nuisance.
    - someguydave 4mo ago
      yep. Just like it only takes a few prolific spammers to ruin email, it only takes a few antisocial con men to make "talking to strangers" seem like an imposition.
    - petesergeant 4mo ago
      Sure, there are plenty of guys who are nuisances in all sorts of situations, but are there lots of guys who are angry that women use headphones?

wolvoleo 4mo ago

> Earbuds stop this practice dead in its tracks. You can't deny that. Yes it's a signal. For you to go find someone else to talk to :) That doesn't mean I'm antisocial, there's just places where I go to be open to talk to people. Like bars, meetups, stuff like that. And places where I'm just to get from A to B and I don't want to. Usually when I'm in public transport I'm going to/from the office and I'm stressed because I deeply hate working in the office since Corona (no more fixed desks etc). So I need my space.

rimliu 4mo ago

You may like it, others may not. I hate when random strangers talk to me. Unless you are skilled to distinguish willing from not, you are training your skill at the expense of others.

embedding-shape 4mo ago
Kind of black and white. I think everyone agrees to not chat up strangers sitting reading books, listening to music or whatever, but if you're idle, what's the harm in saying "No thanks, I don't want to chat" or something similar if someone asks you something? And yes, of course don't try to speak with people who obviously don't want to be spoken to. Quick way to find out, is to ask "Can I ask you a question?" and then you leave space both for the people who don't want to chat, and the ones that do :) I used to judge that based on people's faces, but the faces lie a lot, and some people basically default to looking pissed off, while they can be very warm people, and also vice-versa, so in the end asking up front seems to be the nicest way for everyone to be OK with it.
ubercow13 4mo ago
What types of social interaction should be permitted in society?
- Gigachad 4mo ago
  HN is not a good place to ask about social skills.

jnovek 4mo ago

> I like it when other people try to talk to me. I don’t.

poncho_romero 4mo ago
Skill issue I'm afraid ;) (Said as someone who used to feel the same way, before I discovered the joys of talking to strangers.)
- jnovek 4mo ago
  I don’t mind talking to strangers, I’m actually a very chatty and genial person. Some would even say that I don’t know how to shut up. I just don’t want people (strangers or otherwise) to interrupt me at times when I don’t want to talk. My question is, why do you think you’re entitled to consume strangers’ time?
  - poncho_romero 4mo ago
    I think we see things differently. I view conversation as an offer, with no expectations either way. Whereas you seem to put more weight on it, I'd guess because the ADHD you mentioned in another comment means interruptions are more impactful for you. I'm not sure there is a way to bridge this gap, because for me (based both on my understanding of modern psychological research and personal experience), a world without talking to strangers is a much impoverished one emotionally and spiritually. I'm afraid I'm willing to throw your mental wellbeing out with the bathwater on this, though I feel bad about doing so.
    - jnovek 4mo ago
      > I'm willing to throw your mental wellbeing out with the bathwater on this, though I feel bad about doing so. So what, disabled people should just stay home? That’s your answer, just make society hostile to people like me? I bet there’s a middle road that you’re not considering, but because it’s not important to you, the disabled person should just accept a lower quality of life for your convenience.