4 ms·

This is off topic, but I'm just curious. If you've been together for 17 years now, why are you not married? This is not a criticism/flame/whatever, just curiou

This is off topic, but I'm just curious. If you've been together for 17 years now, why are you not married? This is not a criticism/flame/whatever, just curious.

adrianhoward 14y ago
This is off topic, but I'm just curious. If you've been together for 17 years now, why are you not married? Many reasons ;-) * We're both atheists - so we don't think any god(s) are going to be annoyed * We live in the UK so, at this point, living together without being married isn't frowned upon socially - not by anybody we care about anyway. There's also the slightly weird thing that at this point people just assume we are married unless the topic is brought up specifically. * Neither of us are particular fans of getting up in front of large groups of people so the whole "wedding day" concept isn't much of an attraction. Quite the opposite if anything. * No kids (by choice) so don't need to factor in that as an issue. * The whole needing state/peer approval for a relationship seems slightly weird to both of us. Our commitment is personal and private and doesn't need any external validation thank-you-very-much. * Personally we see staying together without marriage as a more positive statement about the state of our relationship. We're together because we want to be together - not because a divorce is too much effort. The only hassles have been around stuff related to medical care for relatives and each other (a few idiots are a little too strict about the definitions of family and need paperwork), along with a mild tax hit since we don't get the married couples allowance. At some point soonish we'll have to sort out some of the legal stuff around investments/wills, etc. - but most of that's already been dealt with with. If the UK's Civil Partnership arrangement was available to straight couples we might have gone for that - just to make the legal stuff simpler, but is isn't so we didn't. TL;DR - Why should we? ;-)
- snowwrestler 14y ago
  If we set aside religious and cultural reasons, there are often good legal and financial reasons to get married. I'm not familiar with UK law, but in the U.S. the main advantage is that the legal system is predisposed to offer spouses a whole raft of rights and powers that, absent marriage, need to be individually constructed via some complex legal maneuvering. You don't need to tell anyone you're married. Just schedule time at city hall and grab a couple of bystanders (or close friends) as witnesses.
  - adrianhoward 14y ago
    You don't need to tell anyone you're married. Just schedule time at city hall and grab a couple of bystanders (or close friends) as witnesses. 1) It goes against stuff we both believe in - so no. 2) We've got a handle on the legal stuff. In the UK anyway it's not that big a deal for the way we live our lives (see http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relati... if you're curious) 3) Dude! I've been with a fantastic sexy woman I love for more than 17 years! She presumably quite likes me too. If you think for a second that I'm going to do anything that has the slightest chance of messing that up you are sadly mistaken ;-)
    - snowwrestler 14y ago
      Sorry, I addressed your last question as more of a general question--why should "anyone" get married, if they don't care about all the trappings. I don't really think that you should get married. My default on these sorts of personal issues is always "you should do whatever you want and believe in." :-) Thanks for the link; I'll take a look. In the U.S. there are some legal rights that are only available to spouses. (Which is why the fight for the legal recognition of same-sex marriage is so important.)
ryanmolden 14y ago
As someone who's also been in a long-term, committed relationship (12 years) and is not married it is weird to me that people seem to view marriage as the inevitable outcome of coupling. I have similar views as the OP explains below and would add, to me, marriage seems like a great institution when women had no other choice (i.e. no access to education/self-sufficiency). In the modern world, aside from the religious angle, it seems somewhat anachronistic. That said if people are attracted to it they should totally do it, but gazing on people that have made a different choice and asking them to explain themselves, as if marriage were some natural state of affairs, is odd, to me.
- entropy_ 14y ago
  I live in a country where living together while not married is very much frowned upon. Those aren't my views, but they are the ones of the society which surrounds me. Therefore I'm just curious about lifestyles which aren't even possible here because I haven't met any people who lead them. I am not asking anyone to explain themselves, I tried to make that clear and certainly did not mean to offend anyone(sorry if I have). I was just asking out of curiosity, the way you would inquire about anything which is out of the ordinary with respect to your every day experiences(and in the society I grew up in, this is very much out of the ordinary -- That doesn't mean I'm making any kind of value judgement, it's just a fact).
  - adrianhoward 14y ago
    No offence taken by me - just in case you were worried ;)

This is off topic, but I'm just curious. If you've been together for 17 years now, why are you not married? This is not a criticism/flame/whatever, just curious.

adrianhoward 14y ago

This is off topic, but I'm just curious. If you've been together for 17 years now, why are you not married? Many reasons ;-) * We're both atheists - so we don't think any god(s) are going to be annoyed * We live in the UK so, at this point, living together without being married isn't frowned upon socially - not by anybody we care about anyway. There's also the slightly weird thing that at this point people just assume we are married unless the topic is brought up specifically. * Neither of us are particular fans of getting up in front of large groups of people so the whole "wedding day" concept isn't much of an attraction. Quite the opposite if anything. * No kids (by choice) so don't need to factor in that as an issue. * The whole needing state/peer approval for a relationship seems slightly weird to both of us. Our commitment is personal and private and doesn't need any external validation thank-you-very-much. * Personally we see staying together without marriage as a more positive statement about the state of our relationship. We're together because we want to be together - not because a divorce is too much effort. The only hassles have been around stuff related to medical care for relatives and each other (a few idiots are a little too strict about the definitions of family and need paperwork), along with a mild tax hit since we don't get the married couples allowance. At some point soonish we'll have to sort out some of the legal stuff around investments/wills, etc. - but most of that's already been dealt with with. If the UK's Civil Partnership arrangement was available to straight couples we might have gone for that - just to make the legal stuff simpler, but is isn't so we didn't. TL;DR - Why should we? ;-)

snowwrestler 14y ago
If we set aside religious and cultural reasons, there are often good legal and financial reasons to get married. I'm not familiar with UK law, but in the U.S. the main advantage is that the legal system is predisposed to offer spouses a whole raft of rights and powers that, absent marriage, need to be individually constructed via some complex legal maneuvering. You don't need to tell anyone you're married. Just schedule time at city hall and grab a couple of bystanders (or close friends) as witnesses.
- adrianhoward 14y ago
  You don't need to tell anyone you're married. Just schedule time at city hall and grab a couple of bystanders (or close friends) as witnesses. 1) It goes against stuff we both believe in - so no. 2) We've got a handle on the legal stuff. In the UK anyway it's not that big a deal for the way we live our lives (see http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relati... if you're curious) 3) Dude! I've been with a fantastic sexy woman I love for more than 17 years! She presumably quite likes me too. If you think for a second that I'm going to do anything that has the slightest chance of messing that up you are sadly mistaken ;-)
  - snowwrestler 14y ago
    Sorry, I addressed your last question as more of a general question--why should "anyone" get married, if they don't care about all the trappings. I don't really think that you should get married. My default on these sorts of personal issues is always "you should do whatever you want and believe in." :-) Thanks for the link; I'll take a look. In the U.S. there are some legal rights that are only available to spouses. (Which is why the fight for the legal recognition of same-sex marriage is so important.)

ryanmolden 14y ago

As someone who's also been in a long-term, committed relationship (12 years) and is not married it is weird to me that people seem to view marriage as the inevitable outcome of coupling. I have similar views as the OP explains below and would add, to me, marriage seems like a great institution when women had no other choice (i.e. no access to education/self-sufficiency). In the modern world, aside from the religious angle, it seems somewhat anachronistic. That said if people are attracted to it they should totally do it, but gazing on people that have made a different choice and asking them to explain themselves, as if marriage were some natural state of affairs, is odd, to me.

entropy_ 14y ago
I live in a country where living together while not married is very much frowned upon. Those aren't my views, but they are the ones of the society which surrounds me. Therefore I'm just curious about lifestyles which aren't even possible here because I haven't met any people who lead them. I am not asking anyone to explain themselves, I tried to make that clear and certainly did not mean to offend anyone(sorry if I have). I was just asking out of curiosity, the way you would inquire about anything which is out of the ordinary with respect to your every day experiences(and in the society I grew up in, this is very much out of the ordinary -- That doesn't mean I'm making any kind of value judgement, it's just a fact).
- adrianhoward 14y ago
  No offence taken by me - just in case you were worried ;)