3 ms·

I think we're soulmates. You articulated so well what I think about my own approach or lack of approach. > Mental stability is probably one of the reasons diff

by grvdrm 6mo ago

I think we're soulmates. You articulated so well what I think about my own approach or lack of approach. > Mental stability is probably one of the reasons different people have vastly different productivity or achievements. It is mental stability that brings focus, not the other way around. Agree, at least in concept. I'm aware that some of my perceived or real lack of of progress in some life areas is due to mental instability. Various forms of it, some more active than others or present than others. A lot of mine focuses on career things. I've got a bank of knowledge and skills that aren't easy to replicate and a career track circled around those things, but lack (I think) the passion for that career track. But do I like the passion or do I just not have clear goals? What should they be? In 2022 I was evaluating a senior position at a start-up and a friend asked: "what are your goals, or what are you solving for." My wife asks this question too. And I tend to stare somewhat blank at the question. As an adult, the goals I'm sure I want have much less to do with career and much more with self. Be happy. Be productive. Be a warm and loving person. Be a responsible, fun, constructive parent. That doesn't mean that I don't want a career or have aspirations, but there's so much less clarity. And so I've resorted over time to likely unproductive/destructive approaches - more argumentative than necessary, sometimes very responsive, sometimes unresponsive, substances and behavioral things that look like bad habits, addictions, etc. What do you do to work through these challenges?

gbacon 6mo ago
Work to live, not the other way around. Work produces income and is a means to an end. Drill down a couple of levels on what it means to you to be happy, productive, warm, and loving. What do an ideal day and week look and feel like? What kind of life would you like your kids to have? Not abstractly. What would their ideal school situation be? How far from school? Any special opportunities like certain clubs, interest in playing an instrument, sports teams? Do you just do weekend warrior stuff, or does being a responsible, fun, constructive parent mean you’re picking them up after school regularly to go make memories? Let’s say it’s something like the last bit for a moment. “Begin with the end in mind” is one of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and in this case, the end is being a fun parent by going for ice cream or to the park or watch a movie or take guitar lessons together a couple of days a week after school. To make that happen, you’ll need to have flexible work hours and maybe a work location near their ideal school. Do the rare and valuable knowledge and skills that you’ve accumulated allow you do that? If so, great! You’re passionate about being a good parent; you don’t need that from your job. Your job is a means to an end. If the current conditions of your job get in the way of your goal of being a responsible, fun, constructive parent, how could you modify job parameters? There’s no right answer. There’s your answer. What do you want for your kids? What do you want for you and your wife now and after they’ve left the nest? Walk around in a day, a week of that life in your head. There’s your end. Work backward from there.
hnthrowaway0315 6mo ago
> A lot of mine focuses on career things. I've got a bank of knowledge and skills that aren't easy to replicate and a career track circled around those things, but lack (I think) the passion for that career track. I think maybe you can move into a managerial position that doesn't need to do much in the trench, or become a trainer in that field. > That doesn't mean that I don't want a career or have aspirations, but there's so much less clarity. Yeah. I figured there is a lot of ambiguity in life objectives, and there is no one there to help you. You just have yourself in this game. > What do you do to work through these challenges? TBH, I do not know what to do. I have a toolbox for the "down" time, but neither of them really solves it. Sometimes I listen to "Napoleon Hill" episodes to give me some motivation (this one I listened to today: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7u5jAzHpI3w https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7u5jAzHpI3w). Sometimes I talked to myself and tried to sort out something. Sometimes I talked to ChatGPT and asked it to give me a list of something. I kinda think there is no magic pills for such situations and one just has to grit through.
- grvdrm 6mo ago
  Maybe grit is the answer. I don’t know. I agree that to some degree momentum of any kind helps break a rabbit-hole moment. But it’s not that alone that always solve the problem. One thing I know helps. Keep talking to people Keep conversation flowing who buddies, connections, or new acquaintances. So happy to find ways to connect here too if having a sparring moment during these moments helps!
  - hnthrowaway0315 6mo ago
    I agree. It's just a tool that may or may not be useful. I also found that getting rid of caffeine for a couple of weeks, and then take up a cup, gives a much larger boosts to the mood.
raddan 6mo ago
I wonder if it would help thinking through what makes you feel satisfied. I think many of us feel a bit crushed and demotivated when the reason to get up every day is extrinsic: taking care of somebody else, solving problems for somebody else, etc. Even if you are skilled at those tasks, it can feel pointless even if you recognize intellectually that they are important. I’ve always felt that there was a big difference between doing something and doing something well. My grandfather, who grew up in an immigrant family on a farm during the Great Depression, used to say “do it well or don’t do it at all.” And it showed in his actions. He would spend enormous amounts of time doing things that just did not seem worth it to me at the time; eg, he obsessed about growing flowers when he had all these other skills that could be making him money. When I finally understood what drove him—that nearly any task can feel worthwhile when you move from simply doing it to doing it as best you can-it changed my relationship with work and other tasks in life. Another commenter here suggests that you should “work to live” and not the other way around, but I don’t really see them as separate. If you have the quality relationship with work in mind when you do it, when you connect it to doing things well, it’s hard to avoid feeling like your actions are also a part of living excellently, and for me at least, that fills me with a tremendous feeling of satisfaction.
- hnthrowaway0315 6mo ago
  I was a bit skeptical about “do it well or don’t do it at all.” but then I realized my father is like that and then I understand. He might be a bit messy about very small things in life, but he is dead serious about anything else. The "smart" part is just NOT do anything you don't care, it seems. For me, I wish I could be like that. I definitely need to work harder to achieve that. I tend to gloss over anything I don't like. Maybe that's why I never learned to grit through in my 40 or so years of life.

by grvdrm 6mo ago

gbacon 6mo ago

Work to live, not the other way around. Work produces income and is a means to an end. Drill down a couple of levels on what it means to you to be happy, productive, warm, and loving. What do an ideal day and week look and feel like? What kind of life would you like your kids to have? Not abstractly. What would their ideal school situation be? How far from school? Any special opportunities like certain clubs, interest in playing an instrument, sports teams? Do you just do weekend warrior stuff, or does being a responsible, fun, constructive parent mean you’re picking them up after school regularly to go make memories? Let’s say it’s something like the last bit for a moment. “Begin with the end in mind” is one of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and in this case, the end is being a fun parent by going for ice cream or to the park or watch a movie or take guitar lessons together a couple of days a week after school. To make that happen, you’ll need to have flexible work hours and maybe a work location near their ideal school. Do the rare and valuable knowledge and skills that you’ve accumulated allow you do that? If so, great! You’re passionate about being a good parent; you don’t need that from your job. Your job is a means to an end. If the current conditions of your job get in the way of your goal of being a responsible, fun, constructive parent, how could you modify job parameters? There’s no right answer. There’s your answer. What do you want for your kids? What do you want for you and your wife now and after they’ve left the nest? Walk around in a day, a week of that life in your head. There’s your end. Work backward from there.

hnthrowaway0315 6mo ago

> A lot of mine focuses on career things. I've got a bank of knowledge and skills that aren't easy to replicate and a career track circled around those things, but lack (I think) the passion for that career track. I think maybe you can move into a managerial position that doesn't need to do much in the trench, or become a trainer in that field. > That doesn't mean that I don't want a career or have aspirations, but there's so much less clarity. Yeah. I figured there is a lot of ambiguity in life objectives, and there is no one there to help you. You just have yourself in this game. > What do you do to work through these challenges? TBH, I do not know what to do. I have a toolbox for the "down" time, but neither of them really solves it. Sometimes I listen to "Napoleon Hill" episodes to give me some motivation (this one I listened to today: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7u5jAzHpI3w https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7u5jAzHpI3w). Sometimes I talked to myself and tried to sort out something. Sometimes I talked to ChatGPT and asked it to give me a list of something. I kinda think there is no magic pills for such situations and one just has to grit through.

grvdrm 6mo ago
Maybe grit is the answer. I don’t know. I agree that to some degree momentum of any kind helps break a rabbit-hole moment. But it’s not that alone that always solve the problem. One thing I know helps. Keep talking to people Keep conversation flowing who buddies, connections, or new acquaintances. So happy to find ways to connect here too if having a sparring moment during these moments helps!
- hnthrowaway0315 6mo ago
  I agree. It's just a tool that may or may not be useful. I also found that getting rid of caffeine for a couple of weeks, and then take up a cup, gives a much larger boosts to the mood.

raddan 6mo ago

I wonder if it would help thinking through what makes you feel satisfied. I think many of us feel a bit crushed and demotivated when the reason to get up every day is extrinsic: taking care of somebody else, solving problems for somebody else, etc. Even if you are skilled at those tasks, it can feel pointless even if you recognize intellectually that they are important. I’ve always felt that there was a big difference between doing something and doing something well. My grandfather, who grew up in an immigrant family on a farm during the Great Depression, used to say “do it well or don’t do it at all.” And it showed in his actions. He would spend enormous amounts of time doing things that just did not seem worth it to me at the time; eg, he obsessed about growing flowers when he had all these other skills that could be making him money. When I finally understood what drove him—that nearly any task can feel worthwhile when you move from simply doing it to doing it as best you can-it changed my relationship with work and other tasks in life. Another commenter here suggests that you should “work to live” and not the other way around, but I don’t really see them as separate. If you have the quality relationship with work in mind when you do it, when you connect it to doing things well, it’s hard to avoid feeling like your actions are also a part of living excellently, and for me at least, that fills me with a tremendous feeling of satisfaction.

hnthrowaway0315 6mo ago
I was a bit skeptical about “do it well or don’t do it at all.” but then I realized my father is like that and then I understand. He might be a bit messy about very small things in life, but he is dead serious about anything else. The "smart" part is just NOT do anything you don't care, it seems. For me, I wish I could be like that. I definitely need to work harder to achieve that. I tend to gloss over anything I don't like. Maybe that's why I never learned to grit through in my 40 or so years of life.