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Ask yourself "Would I like to be friend with <me>". Then invest in things you do not like. Smile. Go to gym. Be friendly with people, but not creepy. Help peopl

by djdule 7mo ago

Ask yourself "Would I like to be friend with <me>". Then invest in things you do not like. Smile. Go to gym. Be friendly with people, but not creepy. Help people. Be good family member and friend. Get yourself good clothes. Find interesting hobby. Cook. Pay whole bill when you go outside occasionally. Do it for yourself, not for others. When you become best version of self, people will start notice you more and more.

hinkley 7mo ago
One can take Be Your Own Friend a lot farther than just this. What would you tell your friend going through what you’re experiencing right now? What would you tell your friend not to beat himself up for? To push himself harder abouT?
- jadbox 7mo ago
  Yep. You are your own best friend. Sadly most people are terrible a terrible friend to themselves.
  - hinkley 7mo ago
    I've also seen the reverse. Some people who treat me poorly have a terrible voice in their own head where they trashtalk themselves. It's like they see it as fair to do to others as long as they're not hypocritical about it. Do you talk to yourself the way you talk to me? If so then you need to stop both. When I was younger I was partly guilty of this and still occasionally catch it. But we are always more sensitive to vices in others that we police in ourselves.
    - nephihaha 7mo ago
      In meditation, some people call that voice the inner critic. It is obvious that some people have it really badly.
      - hinkley 7mo ago
        Usually it’s the internalized voice of an authority figure. Most often a parent or grandparent.
        nephihaha 7mo ago
        Sometimes. Although I never found it resembled family and it was quite bitchy in a way neither of my parents were.
arcxi 7mo ago
I don't know if this list motivates anyone, it just makes me feel like I'm not worth being friends with and I will be forever alone, even though I do have friends. Seriously, do you only befriend perfect people?
- etherus 7mo ago
  I don't think the point is that you have to be all of those things, or even any of them. Just that imagining what kinds of things people you'd like do is a good way to know what might enrich you also. You shouldn't be discouraged if that seems far off, but all of it can be broken up into as many pieces as you like. If it all feels too much
- webnrrd2k 7mo ago
  I don't think anyone is asking for perfect, I think they are asking for "good enough". If I may be blunt, it sound more like you might have some self-esteem issues, or shame, or just plain immaturity.
  - arcxi 7mo ago
    That implies they think some people (apparently the ones who eat takeout or don't go to gym), are just not "good enough" to have friends. It's an esteem for others issue.
- thuruv 7mo ago
  disagree. I've felt the same after reading the same but I believe op tries just to point out that when you're the best version of yourselves, by removing the common denominator of bad versions, you'll be noticed more and that presents an interesting way for people to present a chance themselves to hear/see you. From there you get to go and may be, may be you find yourselves with a good friend. More importantly,Ithe confidence you'll get out of this is immense and you'll feel peace spending time for yourselves instead of feeling bad about having all the time and don't have anyone to spend with.. I cant say this advice helped me 100% but atleast it helped reduce the biased stress you put on yourselves.
legerdemain 7mo ago
I have seen this perspective a lot and I don't understand it at all. When I meet a stranger, I don't wonder if they exercise enough for me to befriend them. Same for their clothes-shopping habits, past some very basic threshold. Same for whether they pay for me. A lot of this advice for how to improve yourself so that other people like you comes off so incredibly vain, neurotic, and juvenile.
- netule 7mo ago
  They reflect the traits that OP values in others; these criteria wouldn't be universal. I think the thought experiment still holds: If I met myself on the street, would I like that person? If not, why not, and how can I fix that?
- johnfn 7mo ago
  I firmly disagree with this advice as well; it strikes me as the sort of advice one comes up with when sitting around one's room wondering why one doesn't have any friends. The worst part about it is that it will get you doing all these activities that take up your time but don't really solve the friend problem. Making friends isn't trivial, but it isn't a complex thing - just ask people you sort of vaguely know to hang out sometimes. Asking people to spend time together is about 10,000,000% more effective than any other strategy.
  - strken 7mo ago
    Do you firmly disagree with all of it, or just the clothes and gym part? I don't have any objection to suggestions like "help people" or "be [a] good friend" or even "cook" and I think they're a core part of making friends. Today I cooked dinner for two friends and just got back from driving one of them home. They've been similarly kind to me in the past. Friendships are built on foundations like this. It's absolutely correct that you need to invite people to do stuff before you worry about whether you're helpful enough, but you also need to go from being two or more people who kinda sorta know each other to actual friends.

by djdule 7mo ago

hinkley 7mo ago

One can take Be Your Own Friend a lot farther than just this. What would you tell your friend going through what you’re experiencing right now? What would you tell your friend not to beat himself up for? To push himself harder abouT?

jadbox 7mo ago
Yep. You are your own best friend. Sadly most people are terrible a terrible friend to themselves.
- hinkley 7mo ago
  I've also seen the reverse. Some people who treat me poorly have a terrible voice in their own head where they trashtalk themselves. It's like they see it as fair to do to others as long as they're not hypocritical about it. Do you talk to yourself the way you talk to me? If so then you need to stop both. When I was younger I was partly guilty of this and still occasionally catch it. But we are always more sensitive to vices in others that we police in ourselves.
  - nephihaha 7mo ago
    In meditation, some people call that voice the inner critic. It is obvious that some people have it really badly.
    - hinkley 7mo ago
      Usually it’s the internalized voice of an authority figure. Most often a parent or grandparent.
      - nephihaha 7mo ago
        Sometimes. Although I never found it resembled family and it was quite bitchy in a way neither of my parents were.

arcxi 7mo ago

I don't know if this list motivates anyone, it just makes me feel like I'm not worth being friends with and I will be forever alone, even though I do have friends. Seriously, do you only befriend perfect people?

etherus 7mo ago
I don't think the point is that you have to be all of those things, or even any of them. Just that imagining what kinds of things people you'd like do is a good way to know what might enrich you also. You shouldn't be discouraged if that seems far off, but all of it can be broken up into as many pieces as you like. If it all feels too much
webnrrd2k 7mo ago
I don't think anyone is asking for perfect, I think they are asking for "good enough". If I may be blunt, it sound more like you might have some self-esteem issues, or shame, or just plain immaturity.
- arcxi 7mo ago
  That implies they think some people (apparently the ones who eat takeout or don't go to gym), are just not "good enough" to have friends. It's an esteem for others issue.
thuruv 7mo ago
disagree. I've felt the same after reading the same but I believe op tries just to point out that when you're the best version of yourselves, by removing the common denominator of bad versions, you'll be noticed more and that presents an interesting way for people to present a chance themselves to hear/see you. From there you get to go and may be, may be you find yourselves with a good friend. More importantly,Ithe confidence you'll get out of this is immense and you'll feel peace spending time for yourselves instead of feeling bad about having all the time and don't have anyone to spend with.. I cant say this advice helped me 100% but atleast it helped reduce the biased stress you put on yourselves.

legerdemain 7mo ago

I have seen this perspective a lot and I don't understand it at all. When I meet a stranger, I don't wonder if they exercise enough for me to befriend them. Same for their clothes-shopping habits, past some very basic threshold. Same for whether they pay for me. A lot of this advice for how to improve yourself so that other people like you comes off so incredibly vain, neurotic, and juvenile.

netule 7mo ago
They reflect the traits that OP values in others; these criteria wouldn't be universal. I think the thought experiment still holds: If I met myself on the street, would I like that person? If not, why not, and how can I fix that?
johnfn 7mo ago
I firmly disagree with this advice as well; it strikes me as the sort of advice one comes up with when sitting around one's room wondering why one doesn't have any friends. The worst part about it is that it will get you doing all these activities that take up your time but don't really solve the friend problem. Making friends isn't trivial, but it isn't a complex thing - just ask people you sort of vaguely know to hang out sometimes. Asking people to spend time together is about 10,000,000% more effective than any other strategy.
- strken 7mo ago
  Do you firmly disagree with all of it, or just the clothes and gym part? I don't have any objection to suggestions like "help people" or "be [a] good friend" or even "cook" and I think they're a core part of making friends. Today I cooked dinner for two friends and just got back from driving one of them home. They've been similarly kind to me in the past. Friendships are built on foundations like this. It's absolutely correct that you need to invite people to do stuff before you worry about whether you're helpful enough, but you also need to go from being two or more people who kinda sorta know each other to actual friends.