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I found this a curiously cold, superficial approach to loving another person. A relationship isn't a software program, or a car. You can't apply discrete rules

by benwerd 14y ago

I found this a curiously cold, superficial approach to loving another person. A relationship isn't a software program, or a car. You can't apply discrete rules, algorithms or workflows and assume it'll stay in tip-top condition. You can't debug it, either. Not in a discretely logical way. This other person who is your more-than-equal, who still gives you butterflies, and who you respect so much that you've entered into a partnership with them with both your lives? Treat them like that. Be open, be responsive to their emotional needs, and be communicative about yours. Like any partnership, don't enter into it lightly; it's okay to take your time. Take them for who they are, and make sure they're taking you for who you are. Turn a blind eye to nothing, but be sure of your priorities. And don't take any of it for granted.

streptomycin 14y ago
A relationship isn't a software program, or a car. You can't apply discrete rules, algorithms or workflows and assume it'll stay in tip-top condition. You can't debug it, either. Not in a discretely logical way. It's also not a completely irrational thing. You can apply some general patterns and usually observe positive results.
w1ntermute 14y ago
None of what you said is wrong, but TFA has some very simple suggestions that anyone can follow that do have the ability to have a significantly positive impact on most marriages.
teilo 14y ago
There is something that your argument misses, I think. We like to think that our actions follow our emotions. The reasoning goes that if I am making intentional effort to do something that I do not necessarily feel like doing, I am just doing something artificial, and am therefore a hypocrite. However, one's emotions also follow their actions. If I have to make an effort to choose to act like I am in love, I will feel love from making the effort. I am training my emotions to follow my actions. And then, before long, I am feeling the emotion behind doing the thing that I do. What was first artificial becomes genuine. It is like teaching your children to say please, thank you, and I'm sorry. Do they actually feel these things when they say them? Not at first. But by ingraining the action, you instill the emotion. I speak from experience. I have six children.

by benwerd 14y ago

streptomycin 14y ago

A relationship isn't a software program, or a car. You can't apply discrete rules, algorithms or workflows and assume it'll stay in tip-top condition. You can't debug it, either. Not in a discretely logical way. It's also not a completely irrational thing. You can apply some general patterns and usually observe positive results.

w1ntermute 14y ago

None of what you said is wrong, but TFA has some very simple suggestions that anyone can follow that do have the ability to have a significantly positive impact on most marriages.

teilo 14y ago

There is something that your argument misses, I think. We like to think that our actions follow our emotions. The reasoning goes that if I am making intentional effort to do something that I do not necessarily feel like doing, I am just doing something artificial, and am therefore a hypocrite. However, one's emotions also follow their actions. If I have to make an effort to choose to act like I am in love, I will feel love from making the effort. I am training my emotions to follow my actions. And then, before long, I am feeling the emotion behind doing the thing that I do. What was first artificial becomes genuine. It is like teaching your children to say please, thank you, and I'm sorry. Do they actually feel these things when they say them? Not at first. But by ingraining the action, you instill the emotion. I speak from experience. I have six children.