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How We Fight - Cofounders in Love and War

30 points by grellas 14y ago

atomical 14y ago
Recently I've been wondering if any co-founders have gone to a psychologist or counselor for help with conflict resolution. I guess the default assumption for a lot of people would be that you're in business with the wrong person if you have to go to therapy with them. But it could potentially make a stronger team.
patrickmay 14y ago
Pet peeve tangent. Compliment: Politely congratulate or praise (someone) for something. Complement: Add to (something) in a way that enhances or improves it; make perfect. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
dstorrs 14y ago
After a marriage and a divorce I can expand on this (marital lessons reframed for business though). There's a second question to ask: how often do you fight? If you are generally in alignment but disagree sometimes / occasionally, that's good. If you seem to disagree most of the time, that's a problem. Other specifics I'd look at: - are you aligned on the fundamentals? (e.g. B2C vs B2B) - do you fight the same way? If one of you prefers rational discussion and the other prefers combative, whoever-sticks-longest-wins then it's going to go poorly - how do the fights end? "ok, after thinking about it, I think you were right about XYZ" is very different from "fine, whatever. I'm tired of arguing." - do you resolve issues and come to agreement or do the same topics come up again and again? - after a conclusion is reached and a plan is put together, do both parties fulfill their pieces of it reliably and on time? One very simple way to avoid issues during fights is the 'I statement': "I feel my opinions get ignored a lot..." is a lot less escalation-inducing than "You always ignore my opinions".
CoffeeDregs 14y ago
I think that "how we fight" misses the point. It seems to be more about how and whether we are able to communicate. In general, I've only seen fights between cofounders end badly. But perhaps I'm focusing on the word "fight". I've certainly seen and had disagreements end constructively, but, for me, a "fight" is a sign of a serious problem and of a breakdown in communication. And I am married. My wife and I certainly have disagreements, but we never fight.
bengi 14y ago
Cofounders need: 1) Complementary skills. This means a broad enough combined skill set to understand the market, build something and gain initial traction. 2) The focus/discipline to actually get things done. Most teams flunk this test completely, or one founder ends up trying to do everything. Either way, doesn't last. 3) High-level agreement on vision. Fighting about how to get from Point A to Point C can be useful; fighting about what Point C is? Not so much.
mcfazeli 14y ago
Well put, given that I've never seen any co-founders go through starting a company together and not bumping heads on all sorts of topics. You have to test the waters to see just how compatible you are and whether the fit makes sense given the long journey you will take together!
aalter 14y ago
Some great points and common sense here. People learn the most about themselves and partners when the going gets tough. Will founding teams be smart enough to realize that, and know to look for it, during their journeys? Hopefully after they read this, they will.

30 points by grellas 14y ago

Recently I've been wondering if any co-founders have gone to a psychologist or counselor for help with conflict resolution. I guess the default assumption for a lot of people would be that you're in business with the wrong person if you have to go to therapy with them. But it could potentially make a stronger team.

patrickmay 14y ago

Pet peeve tangent. Compliment: Politely congratulate or praise (someone) for something. Complement: Add to (something) in a way that enhances or improves it; make perfect. Learn it. Live it. Love it.

dstorrs 14y ago

After a marriage and a divorce I can expand on this (marital lessons reframed for business though). There's a second question to ask: how often do you fight? If you are generally in alignment but disagree sometimes / occasionally, that's good. If you seem to disagree most of the time, that's a problem. Other specifics I'd look at: - are you aligned on the fundamentals? (e.g. B2C vs B2B) - do you fight the same way? If one of you prefers rational discussion and the other prefers combative, whoever-sticks-longest-wins then it's going to go poorly - how do the fights end? "ok, after thinking about it, I think you were right about XYZ" is very different from "fine, whatever. I'm tired of arguing." - do you resolve issues and come to agreement or do the same topics come up again and again? - after a conclusion is reached and a plan is put together, do both parties fulfill their pieces of it reliably and on time? One very simple way to avoid issues during fights is the 'I statement': "I feel my opinions get ignored a lot..." is a lot less escalation-inducing than "You always ignore my opinions".

CoffeeDregs 14y ago

I think that "how we fight" misses the point. It seems to be more about how and whether we are able to communicate. In general, I've only seen fights between cofounders end badly. But perhaps I'm focusing on the word "fight". I've certainly seen and had disagreements end constructively, but, for me, a "fight" is a sign of a serious problem and of a breakdown in communication. And I am married. My wife and I certainly have disagreements, but we never fight.

bengi 14y ago

Cofounders need: 1) Complementary skills. This means a broad enough combined skill set to understand the market, build something and gain initial traction. 2) The focus/discipline to actually get things done. Most teams flunk this test completely, or one founder ends up trying to do everything. Either way, doesn't last. 3) High-level agreement on vision. Fighting about how to get from Point A to Point C can be useful; fighting about what Point C is? Not so much.

mcfazeli 14y ago

Well put, given that I've never seen any co-founders go through starting a company together and not bumping heads on all sorts of topics. You have to test the waters to see just how compatible you are and whether the fit makes sense given the long journey you will take together!

aalter 14y ago

Some great points and common sense here. People learn the most about themselves and partners when the going gets tough. Will founding teams be smart enough to realize that, and know to look for it, during their journeys? Hopefully after they read this, they will.