4 ms·

Somewhat a tangent response I have a fear of crowds and bums. Not where I'm paralyzed/medicated but one thing I'm trying to do is go downtown and do street pho

by ge96 9mo ago

Somewhat a tangent response I have a fear of crowds and bums. Not where I'm paralyzed/medicated but one thing I'm trying to do is go downtown and do street photography. I wonder how do I say no to a stranger asking me for money. Or fear of getting robbed. It's not like my camera gear is that expensive but yeah. This would push me to get out there more as I've lived in the same place for 10 yrs and I haven't really explored/gone around much. Other than when I did Uber Eats, I would go all over the place. I would get wasted/drink at bars but end up with nothing end of the day, temporary day-long friends. Funny I was at the gym yesterday, guy said hello to me, as a guy that keeps to himself usually (unless around friends) I gave him a bad look (not on purpose) and then I responded. I'll say hello next time I see him. Yeah for me it's just fear and lack of exposure. I do make a lot of "work friends" go on walks. But yeah real friends I think I have 4 or 5 lifelong real friends. Women nothing, haven't been laid in like 12 years pretty said to say. Unfortunately it's something I value myself like "I'm a loser by not getting laid". Even though rest of my life is good, 2BR apt, sporty car, six-fig job, but yeah. It's my social awkardness, but I lift/improve myself, cutting down on weight I want abs. Idk I'm not going after women anymore either just trying to live life now, do shit, get out of debt, get out of 9-5, mental freedom. It's funny if it's guys I'm very "charismatic" like I can be "everyone's friend" which doesn't work out due to conflicting interest. To that end it's really about taking an active interest in the other person, engaging them, asking them questions and remembering. My thing with women is I don't get along with them like a guy (where I don't want anything from them physically). If they're not attractive then it's easier to talk to them but yeah, I guess that comes from a desperation mindset.

fundad 9mo ago
I found it uncomfortable as a kid when I saw how my parents handled begging: ignoring it. I remember one time my father saying "that's ok". And I either say "no, sorry" or ignore. I've heard of kids from cities being given money so they always have something to give a mugger instead of looking like you're holding out, I don't go that far but I remember it to keep perspective. I recently made an effort to carry cash with me so I can leave tips in cash, still working on that. Would you be open to keeping singles on you to give? You can even give max of one per excursion and then decline or ignore the rest or any combination but maybe having that as a plan can help you feel comfortable. Yes you're training yourself and it's because you deserve the benefits of training. As for non-bums hello is good, also fist bumps and nodding upwards; that stuff is cool AF and make people so damn happy.
- ge96 9mo ago
  Yeah it's funny I'll sound like I'm virtue signaling here, I donate. Food groups, NHA, stuff like that. Where I live there's usually a person at a red light waiting to "ambush" you. Same at a grocery store, soon as you exit the door solicitors going "excuse me sir". But yeah it would be easy to just have a $5 to hand out. It's just you know how many people are there and will it stop there kind of thing. Yeah I sound like an asshole I get it. I also have sent over $100K to my own family in support and I'm -$80K in debt so it's not like I'm hoarding my money or something. It just annoys me. But sure it'll be easier to just say "here you go" and hand out cash.
  - fundad 9mo ago
    You don't sound like an asshole because you aren't saying bad things about the people who have the least. It's up to you, you can just, to yourself, write down the words you'll use to write down that you'll ignore them to become more comfortable with your boundaries. Personally I don't think handing out cash is helpful so it's not about charity it's my advice to pre-plan how you'll respond to be more comfortable than you are in reaction to these situations.
    - ge96 9mo ago
      It is a quick escape though to be like "here you go" and move on but also opens you up to "that's it?" I've had that happen even when I said "I don't have cash" well I have Venmo I'm like alright... yeah I don't want to have this mindset but also can't be naive too kumbaya.
  - nemomarx 9mo ago
    In my experience a few times people will ask for money if they see you giving someone else something, but not that often, and you can shrug through it and say that was your last dollar or something. Keep the interactions short and easy and try to carry the loose bills outside of your wallet so no one can actually see how much you have inside it? Exactly one time after I did this, a guy asked me to send something to his venmo since I really only had a dollar. Probably my strangest interaction.
nuancebydefault 9mo ago
What I found after many years, is that women (people in general, really) are not attracted to people who try too hard to get attention from them. Going through great lengths tends to result in being labeled as desperate or creepy. Try just to be friendly and talk "with" them and not "to" them, almost as if you are one of them. By doing that often enough, it will feel less awkward. Practice makes perfect. And then one day you feel a click with someone. Just my few cents.
- ge96 9mo ago
  Yeah that's the cliche saying, let them chase you or don't put on a pedestal. Idk not sure if it's because I was raised by women that I need their approval (no male figure). But I know other people who were in the same situation and aren't like me so it must be a personal choice/way you decide to overcome it.
- LorenPechtel 9mo ago
  The basic problem with this is that the ones that are trying too hard are doing so because the standard approach failed. Maybe you get lucky, but it's not a general solution.
  - nicbou 9mo ago
    What is the standard approach? I find that being genuine and vulnerable and having no hidden agenda works wonders.
  - nuancebydefault 9mo ago
    For me it was the other way around. For many years I tried hard and I was wondering why it did not work.
- Der_Einzige 9mo ago
  Oh you haven't gone anywhere near far enough with this. You'll get laid the most when you adamantly pretend like you're not interested in getting laid. You actively have to act like you are "too good" for them. Play "hard to get". Learn what "negging" means. Never, ever, show desperation for anything ever for any reason. It is the ultimate ick. Buddhists will even tell you that desire is ontologically/spiritually evil and icky.
soulofmischief 9mo ago
Hear me out. Its not just social awkwardness. You're experiencing class boundaries and do not seem to have the right mentality to bridge the gap. First, you call homeless people bums, which sets the stage for how you see and treat them. I'm an excellent engineer, but I was abused and impoverished as a child, homeless as a teenager. During my 20s, I started a few companies but my savings have been continually depleted taking care of family members. I don't have a sports car or a big bank account, or nice cameras. When I see a stranger or homeless person, I smile and wave. I keep cash on me so that I always have some to give out. I buy people lunch and sit on the curb eating with them and attempting to understand them. I learn the names of my local homeless folk and ingratiate myself in the community. I've moved to a few cities so I've had the opportunity to do this a few times. I don't do this because I lack social anxiety; I sometimes have extreme agoraphobia, to the point that I have to hype myself up for hours just to go to the grocery store, and I have to wear noise-cancelling headphones to reduce the amount of stimulation. I have PTSD. I'm an extreme introvert. A hermit at times. But what saves me is the philosophical understanding that I have a duty to the social contract. That empathy and direct aid are nonnegotiable parts of being human. I've been homeless and I know what it's like to be truly hopeless and live a life of uncertainty, fear and hunger. You need to bridge that gap. Class-induced anxiety is real and I acknowledge that it's probably difficult, but it's not an excuse. You sound like you're in a position to change someone's life. Taking those steps might change your own life.
- ge96 9mo ago
  I get it, but $5 to change someone's life? It's funny there was a moment I was at a bus station, somebody asked me for money and I dumped all the coins I had in my wallet in their hand for future bus rides. And some lady comes up to me jokingly like "you handing money out? what about me". But yeah I think I should just give the money out, I think aside from the guy at the red light that's there almost everyday when it's warm, it's rare I encounter somebody personally. Until I go into the city.
  - soulofmischief 9mo ago
    Buy someone new clothes. A sleeping bag. Utensils. A library card or bus pass. If it has to be cash, you don't have to stop at $5. I sometimes give out tens and twenties. Obviously at a place like California your altruism can be spread pretty thin; just ignore the people who are more difficult / less appreciative. Find someone who is appreciative. Get to know them and find out what is holding them back. Maybe you can't help, maybe you can. I've had people tell me I've made their day, their week, their year.
deleted 9mo ago
[deleted]

by ge96 9mo ago

fundad 9mo ago

I found it uncomfortable as a kid when I saw how my parents handled begging: ignoring it. I remember one time my father saying "that's ok". And I either say "no, sorry" or ignore. I've heard of kids from cities being given money so they always have something to give a mugger instead of looking like you're holding out, I don't go that far but I remember it to keep perspective. I recently made an effort to carry cash with me so I can leave tips in cash, still working on that. Would you be open to keeping singles on you to give? You can even give max of one per excursion and then decline or ignore the rest or any combination but maybe having that as a plan can help you feel comfortable. Yes you're training yourself and it's because you deserve the benefits of training. As for non-bums hello is good, also fist bumps and nodding upwards; that stuff is cool AF and make people so damn happy.

ge96 9mo ago
Yeah it's funny I'll sound like I'm virtue signaling here, I donate. Food groups, NHA, stuff like that. Where I live there's usually a person at a red light waiting to "ambush" you. Same at a grocery store, soon as you exit the door solicitors going "excuse me sir". But yeah it would be easy to just have a $5 to hand out. It's just you know how many people are there and will it stop there kind of thing. Yeah I sound like an asshole I get it. I also have sent over $100K to my own family in support and I'm -$80K in debt so it's not like I'm hoarding my money or something. It just annoys me. But sure it'll be easier to just say "here you go" and hand out cash.
- fundad 9mo ago
  You don't sound like an asshole because you aren't saying bad things about the people who have the least. It's up to you, you can just, to yourself, write down the words you'll use to write down that you'll ignore them to become more comfortable with your boundaries. Personally I don't think handing out cash is helpful so it's not about charity it's my advice to pre-plan how you'll respond to be more comfortable than you are in reaction to these situations.
  - ge96 9mo ago
    It is a quick escape though to be like "here you go" and move on but also opens you up to "that's it?" I've had that happen even when I said "I don't have cash" well I have Venmo I'm like alright... yeah I don't want to have this mindset but also can't be naive too kumbaya.
- nemomarx 9mo ago
  In my experience a few times people will ask for money if they see you giving someone else something, but not that often, and you can shrug through it and say that was your last dollar or something. Keep the interactions short and easy and try to carry the loose bills outside of your wallet so no one can actually see how much you have inside it? Exactly one time after I did this, a guy asked me to send something to his venmo since I really only had a dollar. Probably my strangest interaction.

nuancebydefault 9mo ago

What I found after many years, is that women (people in general, really) are not attracted to people who try too hard to get attention from them. Going through great lengths tends to result in being labeled as desperate or creepy. Try just to be friendly and talk "with" them and not "to" them, almost as if you are one of them. By doing that often enough, it will feel less awkward. Practice makes perfect. And then one day you feel a click with someone. Just my few cents.

ge96 9mo ago
Yeah that's the cliche saying, let them chase you or don't put on a pedestal. Idk not sure if it's because I was raised by women that I need their approval (no male figure). But I know other people who were in the same situation and aren't like me so it must be a personal choice/way you decide to overcome it.
LorenPechtel 9mo ago
The basic problem with this is that the ones that are trying too hard are doing so because the standard approach failed. Maybe you get lucky, but it's not a general solution.
- nicbou 9mo ago
  What is the standard approach? I find that being genuine and vulnerable and having no hidden agenda works wonders.
- nuancebydefault 9mo ago
  For me it was the other way around. For many years I tried hard and I was wondering why it did not work.
Der_Einzige 9mo ago
Oh you haven't gone anywhere near far enough with this. You'll get laid the most when you adamantly pretend like you're not interested in getting laid. You actively have to act like you are "too good" for them. Play "hard to get". Learn what "negging" means. Never, ever, show desperation for anything ever for any reason. It is the ultimate ick. Buddhists will even tell you that desire is ontologically/spiritually evil and icky.

soulofmischief 9mo ago

Hear me out. Its not just social awkwardness. You're experiencing class boundaries and do not seem to have the right mentality to bridge the gap. First, you call homeless people bums, which sets the stage for how you see and treat them. I'm an excellent engineer, but I was abused and impoverished as a child, homeless as a teenager. During my 20s, I started a few companies but my savings have been continually depleted taking care of family members. I don't have a sports car or a big bank account, or nice cameras. When I see a stranger or homeless person, I smile and wave. I keep cash on me so that I always have some to give out. I buy people lunch and sit on the curb eating with them and attempting to understand them. I learn the names of my local homeless folk and ingratiate myself in the community. I've moved to a few cities so I've had the opportunity to do this a few times. I don't do this because I lack social anxiety; I sometimes have extreme agoraphobia, to the point that I have to hype myself up for hours just to go to the grocery store, and I have to wear noise-cancelling headphones to reduce the amount of stimulation. I have PTSD. I'm an extreme introvert. A hermit at times. But what saves me is the philosophical understanding that I have a duty to the social contract. That empathy and direct aid are nonnegotiable parts of being human. I've been homeless and I know what it's like to be truly hopeless and live a life of uncertainty, fear and hunger. You need to bridge that gap. Class-induced anxiety is real and I acknowledge that it's probably difficult, but it's not an excuse. You sound like you're in a position to change someone's life. Taking those steps might change your own life.

ge96 9mo ago
I get it, but $5 to change someone's life? It's funny there was a moment I was at a bus station, somebody asked me for money and I dumped all the coins I had in my wallet in their hand for future bus rides. And some lady comes up to me jokingly like "you handing money out? what about me". But yeah I think I should just give the money out, I think aside from the guy at the red light that's there almost everyday when it's warm, it's rare I encounter somebody personally. Until I go into the city.
- soulofmischief 9mo ago
  Buy someone new clothes. A sleeping bag. Utensils. A library card or bus pass. If it has to be cash, you don't have to stop at $5. I sometimes give out tens and twenties. Obviously at a place like California your altruism can be spread pretty thin; just ignore the people who are more difficult / less appreciative. Find someone who is appreciative. Get to know them and find out what is holding them back. Maybe you can't help, maybe you can. I've had people tell me I've made their day, their week, their year.

deleted 9mo ago

[deleted]