4 ms·

I think that the real power of spaced repetition is not in flashcard applications like this. It is in behavior modification. Let's take a real example to show

by btilly 10mo ago

I think that the real power of spaced repetition is not in flashcard applications like this. It is in behavior modification. Let's take a real example to show how this works. August 19, 2025. My wife called me in to help her decide what to do about a dentist that she thought was ripping her off. A couple of quick suggestions later, and she went to being mad at me about not having heard the problem through before trying to fix it badly. As soon as she was mad, I immediately connected with how stupid what I did was, and that this never goes well. But, of course, it was now too late. Not a mistake I was going to make for a while. But, given my history, a mistake I was bound to make again. I changed that. This time I stuck this into my spaced repetition system. Each time the prompt comes up, I remember that scene, holding in mind how it important it is to emotionally engage, not offer quick suggestions, and be sure to listen to the full problem in detail. It takes me less than 30 seconds. Reviewing this prompt, for my whole lifetime, will take less than 15 minutes of work. Just typing this up this time takes more work than I'll spend on it in the next several years. This mistake hasn't happened since. Not once. And I believe it won't again in my life. I have literally changed dozens of such behaviors. My wife says that it is like there is a whole new me. She can't believe the transformation. All it took is looking at spaced repetition as general purpose structured reinforcement, and not as just a way to study flashcards.

0cf8612b2e1e 10mo ago
I love this example because the correct, wise approach is so alien to my mind that I do not know how to respond to such situations. I am a professional problem solver, you described a problem, yet you do not want it solved? Just talk about it being annoying, like an immutable facet of the universe? Should I retort about my grievances with gravity making roof repairs a bear?
- mehagar 10mo ago
  The way I approach these situations is by reminding myself that the speaker is implicitly making a request - a request for empathy or understanding. While it's tempting to try to solve their problems, what they really want is for their feelings to be heard. "Oh, that must have been frustrating."
  - IAmBroom 10mo ago
    THIS! And realizing this is a major step forward for many men in learning to better communicate with women (a stereotype, sure, but one that has many true instances IME).
- thomascountz 10mo ago
  It's important to remember there's no "right" or "wrong," it's all about connection. If a stranger says, "my bike tire is flat," in most western cultures, they might very well be asking for your help to reinflate their tire. If your loved one says the same, well you have a lot more context to fill in their subtext with. If they're displeased with your reasonable attempts to help them—like you'd help a stranger—it might mean that they were asking for something else. Finding out what that "something else" is, and adapting to each other's differences in "what was said" vs "what was heard," is part of what it means to build a connection with someone.
- RealityVoid 10mo ago
  I feel you, I totally do. I get wanting to vent and wanting to be heard but solutions should come first. Honestly, when I hear people annoyed about offering solutions I get their need to engage with them differently but I also kind of believe they have a dysfunction about how they relate to the world.
  - btilly 10mo ago
    This attitude reminds me of another phrase that I've internalized. Choosing to be right, is choosing to be alone. Whatever you choose to put above trying to get along with others, limits who can be part of your group. In the extreme, you will feel absolutely justified. And yet be absolutely alone. As an example, language communities that focus on being able to find the ideal way to program (eg Lisp) tend to splinter. The languages that achieve broad acceptance (eg Python) do things that most people recognize as bad. This doesn't mean that we should always choose to get along, rather than being right. But failing to address emotions up front has damaged so many parts of my life, that I firmly wish that I hadn't stood for so long on how right my behavior was. I hope that your choices are working better for you than my past choices did for me.
    - RealityVoid 10mo ago
      I understand the need to engage people at the emotional level and meeting them where they're at. I just refuse to label this behavior as being constructive, desirable, something to cultivate and protect. I see this "complainy" way of engaging as unproductive and i treat it the same way I would treat my kid when having a tantrum, I accept it, I listen to him, I am understanding of his state and his emotions, but I also nudge, coach and hope they develop healthier and more constructive ways of dealing with their problems.
      - BeetleB 10mo ago
        > I just refuse to label this behavior as being constructive, desirable, something to cultivate and protect. > I see this "complainy" way of engaging as unproductive You are merely defining "constructive" and "productive" to whatever suits you. > I get wanting to vent and wanting to be heard but solutions should come first. One thing I learned after learning all these skills (later in life), is to openly tell others "The word 'should' is not in my vocabulary." should is usually a means to be lazy in explaining your thought process. Why should solutions come first? What problem are you trying to solve, and why that problem? Understand that addressing emotions is solving a problem - it's just a different one from what you're trying to address. Solving that problem (well) often results in fewer problems down the road. The one you're trying to solve likely won't. To directly address the topic - solving the emotional problem first makes them more open to listening to your (other) solution.[1] > but I also nudge, coach and hope they develop healthier and more constructive ways of dealing with their problems. Tip for the future: Being judgmental is going to negate most of your efforts. There's nothing wrong with nudging people down a path you feel is right. There is a problem in labeling the behavior as "unconstructive". And, as I said in another comment, I'd wager good money that your behavior is not particularly different. You may not do it as often as the people you speak of, but you do do it - and you won't recognize it until you dig deeper into understanding the bigger picture. Once you do (as I did), you'll find plenty of examples in your life - past and present - where you behaved in the same "unconstructive" way, and didn't realize it. (And in the off chance you have realized it, and criticize yourself for those past trespasses, you are putting a barrier to improvement). [1] And yes, that's true even for you! You merely have to go back to your life where someone told you something (that you later found to be correct) and you didn't follow it, and ask why. There are multiple reasons people don't, but this is one of them. Distrust, dislike, disdain, etc lead to devaluing things others say.
- btilly 10mo ago
  You may enjoy, It's not about the nail. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg What I was doing is very common. Trying to engage logically with what logic can engage with, while failing to recognize that the emotional challenge is what has to be dealt with first. And that once feelings are out of the way, the logical problem will be massively easier to solve.
- ccppurcell 10mo ago
  Yeah it's insulting. It would be very long and boring to list all the things I thought of and discarded, just to ward off such attempts at help. If someone doesn't ask your advice, don't give it.
- BeetleB 10mo ago
  > I am a professional problem solver, you described a problem, yet you do not want it solved? This will be hard for you to believe, but I will easily wager good money that at times you yourself behave this way. You only become aware of it after both below are satisfied: 1. You've encountered someone as annoying as yourself :-) 2. You learn a bit more about the dynamics of conversations. If there's any time someone got mad at you and said "You just want to complain and not fix the problem!" chances are this dynamic was in play. Or "I've given you so many suggestions but you don't want to fix the problem and just complain!" Everyone acts that way to some extent. Some more than others. Here's a typical scenario (common amongst spouses, but even amongst friends). You're annoyed/down due to problem X. Your friend sees you that way and inquires why you're down. You tell them, and they spend all their time giving you suggestions. But you never asked for suggestions! It's not a big leap to go from there to someone simply telling you their problem because they want to get it out of their system. Some books I've read that made it easier to understand all of this: - Difficult Conversations - Nonviolent Communication[1] - Crucial Conversations All of these will emphasize the role emotions play in dialogue. And when you read them, chances are very high you'll find yourself in them (i.e. they will give examples that you can relate to - on both sides of the conversation). Once I read these, many, many "poor" conversations from my life earlier suddenly made sense to me. One nice outcome was learning that even though at times people were upset at me, it wasn't always "my fault". I had always taken for granted that because I didn't spend much time playing social games, that my social skills were poor and likely I did something wrong. Reading these made it clear how often the dysfunction was on the other side, and having good/poor conversations is not well correlated with "social skills". [1] HN has as strong knee jerk reaction when this book is mentioned, but in my experience, everyone who complained had not read the book, and almost all the complaints were semi-strawmen.
  - fercircularbuf 10mo ago
    Thank you for this post and your suggested readings!
  - notpushkin 10mo ago
    > 1. You've encountered someone as annoying as yourself :-) > 2. You learn a bit more about the dynamics of conversations. This is the last thing I expected to find under a post about an SRS, but I think I’ve just gone through this over the course of this year. (I knew I was extremely annoying at times, but didn’t realize how much annoying I was, and what to do. I think I know now :’) Love HN for weird tangents like this. Thanks for the reading list!
- furyofantares 10mo ago
  In what way are you a professional problem solver such that it applies to random problems in peoples' lives? The thing that drives me nuts is when people start throwing out immediate ideas, sometimes before I've even given a full account of the problem. But even if they do wait, I don't feel like explaining why all your immediate ideas don't work - most of the time, I've also already thought of those things. Try asking questions instead.
  - scotty79 10mo ago
    There's value to anyone willing to listen to you talking about your problem. Otherwise rubber duck debugging wouldn't work. Why don't you ask some questions about their obviously wrong solutions instead od spoiling the fun they have guessing? After all to are the one with a problem.
    - IAmBroom 10mo ago
      "After all to are the one with a problem." Please edit this so it says whatever you meant.
      - scotty79 10mo ago
        Sorry, fat fingers on a touchscreen ... What I meant to write was "After all you are the one with a problem." Apologies for being uncharitable. I was in a rough mood when I wrote that.
        furyofantares 10mo ago
        FYI I didn't take it as uncharitable, it's all good.
- knowsuchagency 10mo ago
  It’s just like in programming interviews—sometimes you need to clarify your understanding before diving into potential solutions
- hiAndrewQuinn 10mo ago
  > I do not know how to respond to such situations. >I am a professional problem solver. As it so happens, you can probably apply the latter to solve your knowledge gap re/ the former. Unless you don't actually consider it a problem, but a facet of your personality or something. Valid. But, if you are capable of applying that thinking to yourself, why are you not able to extend the same grace to others, and wait until you're asked for a solution?
- scotty79 10mo ago
  > I am a professional problem solver The question is, do you want to be anything more than that? Even as a problem solver you might ask yourself, what should I do in any given interaction to not become the additional secondary problem myself.
thomascountz 10mo ago
This is really inspiring. Doing whatever you gotta do to be a better support for your loved ones is commendable. Can you give an example of what you record in your SR system? Is it the anecdote itself? Do you generalize the pattern? Is there a "front" and "back?" A cloze?
- vannucci 10mo ago
  Definitely want to talk about this too. I've been thinking of my own daily learning through tools like Anki and trying to devise a sort of "life stack" where I'm adding stuff and refreshing myself on it and this top comment from OP just sort of crystalizes that.
- btilly 10mo ago
  My prompt for that is, When did I last dramatically fail Kate at decision support? Recalling the scene and the details is part of the exercise. I do the visualization while journaling about it. Here is an example of what that written record looks like. Aug 19, 2025. She was stressed because she thought that Phoenix’ dentist was ripping her off. A couple of quick suggestions later, and her meltdown was not about how bad I am at decision support! Kate is able to come to the right decision. She wants someone to listen to her, be there emotionally, and not offer suggestions unless they have a lot of context. But first, second, and third, make her feel listened to. Note. This is tied to a visualization that causes me to connect to the right emotion at the right time. So I not only won't do the wrong thing, but I'll also be doing the right thing.
  - EE84M3i 10mo ago
    How do you grade a card like this?
    - btilly 10mo ago
      The entire idea behind "grading" doesn't work. I simply space on a Fibonacci sequence, and the fact that it is overkill for being able to answer is a feature. Because my goal is to react the right way in similar situations, not to get an answer right on the written test.
wisty 10mo ago
> A couple of quick suggestions later, and she went to being mad at me about not having heard the problem through before trying to fix it badly Sounds like you're not the only one at fault lol. Do you get mad at your wife if she offers suggestions before emotionally connecting? And would it still be too late even if she realises how "stupid she was"?
- malnourish 10mo ago
  Yes; well, I might not get "mad" at my wife, but I might emotionally disengage or feel like I lack closure were I to explain a situation to my wife and she responded with solutions before I even had the chance to finish. It took me a long time to realize this. Actually, I've just now realized it clearly. Our emotional expression and the scenario may be a bit different, but it's fundamentally the same concept.
- seizethecheese 10mo ago
  What’s the point of this? One only can control one’s self. Who cares if the other person was in the wrong too.
  - wisty 10mo ago
    What is the point in replying to me then? Maybe you should take action if you think someone else is in the wrong? You did.
- magarnicle 10mo ago
  Part of the reason offering suggestions is 'wrong' is because it implies that they haven't tried to think of solutions to their problem. You are unwittingly implying that you are smarter than they are, even if that is not your intention.
  - tbossanova 10mo ago
    Yeah. Step 1 is basically to say “damn, that sucks … what do you think you might do?” (or other clarifying questions).
epolanski 10mo ago
Interesting example with some questionable couple dynamics.
- seizethecheese 10mo ago
  Looks really healthy to me. It’s unhealthy when a partner can’t recognize that they actually were at fault and try to change, but instead needs every fight to resolve with “we were both wrong”.
  - btilly 10mo ago
    To add color, this is an interaction that started with one person being stressed. Expecting ideal behavior out of a stressed person is unreasonable.
    - IAmBroom 10mo ago
      You sound like a terrific Significant Other: willing to look inwards to see how you contributed to the problems the couple is having, and working to improve in the future.
      - btilly 10mo ago
        Thank you. That's what I'm trying to be. However I'm also a work in progress. I spent a long time being significantly less than terrific...
_acco 10mo ago
So cool. Would love to hear more - What app do you use? How often do you clear your inbox and how long does it take?
jkhdigital 10mo ago
Love this example. I started putting my Kindle highlights in the SRS—no prompt or anything, just the quoted text verbatim—and the effortless periodic review essentially burned the quotes in my memory for easy recall in moments when they were appropriate.
- jwrallie 10mo ago
  Did you know there is a limit on how many highlights you can record? It is a setting in the DRM of Kindle books. If you are reading a book with DRM, marking things and planning to load them into SRS later, take care as it silently stops saving the highlights as text.
ropable 10mo ago
I wanted to chime in to say: this is me, I do/have done this, and am also seeking to change this behaviour. It has never once occurred to me to try using spaced repetition for something like this, so thank you to putting the suggestion into my brain! I intend to put this into action as soon as I'm able to.
0xdeadbeefbabe 10mo ago
And how did the dentist fare?
- btilly 10mo ago
  The dental work that was needed, negotiated in advance, and paid for, happened. The dentist's exorbitant rate on nitrous oxide (which we were not informed of in advance) was successfully renegotiated. Unsurprisingly, my initial suggestions were in no way helpful to discovering this solution to the problem.
gofreddygo 10mo ago
Very interesting example. For me spaced repetition today looks very different than it used to till a few years ago. My "system" is now some google docs, some google sheets and some html hosted on my domain. I have no black box algorithm to offload to. I'm now curious if i could try applying it to everyday things i learn and want reinforcement on along with the technical stuff i want handy. Thanks for sharing.

by btilly 10mo ago

0cf8612b2e1e 10mo ago

I love this example because the correct, wise approach is so alien to my mind that I do not know how to respond to such situations. I am a professional problem solver, you described a problem, yet you do not want it solved? Just talk about it being annoying, like an immutable facet of the universe? Should I retort about my grievances with gravity making roof repairs a bear?

mehagar 10mo ago
The way I approach these situations is by reminding myself that the speaker is implicitly making a request - a request for empathy or understanding. While it's tempting to try to solve their problems, what they really want is for their feelings to be heard. "Oh, that must have been frustrating."
- IAmBroom 10mo ago
  THIS! And realizing this is a major step forward for many men in learning to better communicate with women (a stereotype, sure, but one that has many true instances IME).
thomascountz 10mo ago
It's important to remember there's no "right" or "wrong," it's all about connection. If a stranger says, "my bike tire is flat," in most western cultures, they might very well be asking for your help to reinflate their tire. If your loved one says the same, well you have a lot more context to fill in their subtext with. If they're displeased with your reasonable attempts to help them—like you'd help a stranger—it might mean that they were asking for something else. Finding out what that "something else" is, and adapting to each other's differences in "what was said" vs "what was heard," is part of what it means to build a connection with someone.
RealityVoid 10mo ago
I feel you, I totally do. I get wanting to vent and wanting to be heard but solutions should come first. Honestly, when I hear people annoyed about offering solutions I get their need to engage with them differently but I also kind of believe they have a dysfunction about how they relate to the world.
- btilly 10mo ago
  This attitude reminds me of another phrase that I've internalized. Choosing to be right, is choosing to be alone. Whatever you choose to put above trying to get along with others, limits who can be part of your group. In the extreme, you will feel absolutely justified. And yet be absolutely alone. As an example, language communities that focus on being able to find the ideal way to program (eg Lisp) tend to splinter. The languages that achieve broad acceptance (eg Python) do things that most people recognize as bad. This doesn't mean that we should always choose to get along, rather than being right. But failing to address emotions up front has damaged so many parts of my life, that I firmly wish that I hadn't stood for so long on how right my behavior was. I hope that your choices are working better for you than my past choices did for me.
  - RealityVoid 10mo ago
    I understand the need to engage people at the emotional level and meeting them where they're at. I just refuse to label this behavior as being constructive, desirable, something to cultivate and protect. I see this "complainy" way of engaging as unproductive and i treat it the same way I would treat my kid when having a tantrum, I accept it, I listen to him, I am understanding of his state and his emotions, but I also nudge, coach and hope they develop healthier and more constructive ways of dealing with their problems.
    - BeetleB 10mo ago
      > I just refuse to label this behavior as being constructive, desirable, something to cultivate and protect. > I see this "complainy" way of engaging as unproductive You are merely defining "constructive" and "productive" to whatever suits you. > I get wanting to vent and wanting to be heard but solutions should come first. One thing I learned after learning all these skills (later in life), is to openly tell others "The word 'should' is not in my vocabulary." should is usually a means to be lazy in explaining your thought process. Why should solutions come first? What problem are you trying to solve, and why that problem? Understand that addressing emotions is solving a problem - it's just a different one from what you're trying to address. Solving that problem (well) often results in fewer problems down the road. The one you're trying to solve likely won't. To directly address the topic - solving the emotional problem first makes them more open to listening to your (other) solution.[1] > but I also nudge, coach and hope they develop healthier and more constructive ways of dealing with their problems. Tip for the future: Being judgmental is going to negate most of your efforts. There's nothing wrong with nudging people down a path you feel is right. There is a problem in labeling the behavior as "unconstructive". And, as I said in another comment, I'd wager good money that your behavior is not particularly different. You may not do it as often as the people you speak of, but you do do it - and you won't recognize it until you dig deeper into understanding the bigger picture. Once you do (as I did), you'll find plenty of examples in your life - past and present - where you behaved in the same "unconstructive" way, and didn't realize it. (And in the off chance you have realized it, and criticize yourself for those past trespasses, you are putting a barrier to improvement). [1] And yes, that's true even for you! You merely have to go back to your life where someone told you something (that you later found to be correct) and you didn't follow it, and ask why. There are multiple reasons people don't, but this is one of them. Distrust, dislike, disdain, etc lead to devaluing things others say.
btilly 10mo ago
You may enjoy, It's not about the nail. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg What I was doing is very common. Trying to engage logically with what logic can engage with, while failing to recognize that the emotional challenge is what has to be dealt with first. And that once feelings are out of the way, the logical problem will be massively easier to solve.
ccppurcell 10mo ago
Yeah it's insulting. It would be very long and boring to list all the things I thought of and discarded, just to ward off such attempts at help. If someone doesn't ask your advice, don't give it.
BeetleB 10mo ago
> I am a professional problem solver, you described a problem, yet you do not want it solved? This will be hard for you to believe, but I will easily wager good money that at times you yourself behave this way. You only become aware of it after both below are satisfied: 1. You've encountered someone as annoying as yourself :-) 2. You learn a bit more about the dynamics of conversations. If there's any time someone got mad at you and said "You just want to complain and not fix the problem!" chances are this dynamic was in play. Or "I've given you so many suggestions but you don't want to fix the problem and just complain!" Everyone acts that way to some extent. Some more than others. Here's a typical scenario (common amongst spouses, but even amongst friends). You're annoyed/down due to problem X. Your friend sees you that way and inquires why you're down. You tell them, and they spend all their time giving you suggestions. But you never asked for suggestions! It's not a big leap to go from there to someone simply telling you their problem because they want to get it out of their system. Some books I've read that made it easier to understand all of this: - Difficult Conversations - Nonviolent Communication[1] - Crucial Conversations All of these will emphasize the role emotions play in dialogue. And when you read them, chances are very high you'll find yourself in them (i.e. they will give examples that you can relate to - on both sides of the conversation). Once I read these, many, many "poor" conversations from my life earlier suddenly made sense to me. One nice outcome was learning that even though at times people were upset at me, it wasn't always "my fault". I had always taken for granted that because I didn't spend much time playing social games, that my social skills were poor and likely I did something wrong. Reading these made it clear how often the dysfunction was on the other side, and having good/poor conversations is not well correlated with "social skills". [1] HN has as strong knee jerk reaction when this book is mentioned, but in my experience, everyone who complained had not read the book, and almost all the complaints were semi-strawmen.
- fercircularbuf 10mo ago
  Thank you for this post and your suggested readings!
- notpushkin 10mo ago
  > 1. You've encountered someone as annoying as yourself :-) > 2. You learn a bit more about the dynamics of conversations. This is the last thing I expected to find under a post about an SRS, but I think I’ve just gone through this over the course of this year. (I knew I was extremely annoying at times, but didn’t realize how much annoying I was, and what to do. I think I know now :’) Love HN for weird tangents like this. Thanks for the reading list!
furyofantares 10mo ago
In what way are you a professional problem solver such that it applies to random problems in peoples' lives? The thing that drives me nuts is when people start throwing out immediate ideas, sometimes before I've even given a full account of the problem. But even if they do wait, I don't feel like explaining why all your immediate ideas don't work - most of the time, I've also already thought of those things. Try asking questions instead.
- scotty79 10mo ago
  There's value to anyone willing to listen to you talking about your problem. Otherwise rubber duck debugging wouldn't work. Why don't you ask some questions about their obviously wrong solutions instead od spoiling the fun they have guessing? After all to are the one with a problem.
  - IAmBroom 10mo ago
    "After all to are the one with a problem." Please edit this so it says whatever you meant.
    - scotty79 10mo ago
      Sorry, fat fingers on a touchscreen ... What I meant to write was "After all you are the one with a problem." Apologies for being uncharitable. I was in a rough mood when I wrote that.
      - furyofantares 10mo ago
        FYI I didn't take it as uncharitable, it's all good.
knowsuchagency 10mo ago
It’s just like in programming interviews—sometimes you need to clarify your understanding before diving into potential solutions
hiAndrewQuinn 10mo ago
> I do not know how to respond to such situations. >I am a professional problem solver. As it so happens, you can probably apply the latter to solve your knowledge gap re/ the former. Unless you don't actually consider it a problem, but a facet of your personality or something. Valid. But, if you are capable of applying that thinking to yourself, why are you not able to extend the same grace to others, and wait until you're asked for a solution?
scotty79 10mo ago
> I am a professional problem solver The question is, do you want to be anything more than that? Even as a problem solver you might ask yourself, what should I do in any given interaction to not become the additional secondary problem myself.

thomascountz 10mo ago

This is really inspiring. Doing whatever you gotta do to be a better support for your loved ones is commendable. Can you give an example of what you record in your SR system? Is it the anecdote itself? Do you generalize the pattern? Is there a "front" and "back?" A cloze?

vannucci 10mo ago
Definitely want to talk about this too. I've been thinking of my own daily learning through tools like Anki and trying to devise a sort of "life stack" where I'm adding stuff and refreshing myself on it and this top comment from OP just sort of crystalizes that.
btilly 10mo ago
My prompt for that is, When did I last dramatically fail Kate at decision support? Recalling the scene and the details is part of the exercise. I do the visualization while journaling about it. Here is an example of what that written record looks like. Aug 19, 2025. She was stressed because she thought that Phoenix’ dentist was ripping her off. A couple of quick suggestions later, and her meltdown was not about how bad I am at decision support! Kate is able to come to the right decision. She wants someone to listen to her, be there emotionally, and not offer suggestions unless they have a lot of context. But first, second, and third, make her feel listened to. Note. This is tied to a visualization that causes me to connect to the right emotion at the right time. So I not only won't do the wrong thing, but I'll also be doing the right thing.
- EE84M3i 10mo ago
  How do you grade a card like this?
  - btilly 10mo ago
    The entire idea behind "grading" doesn't work. I simply space on a Fibonacci sequence, and the fact that it is overkill for being able to answer is a feature. Because my goal is to react the right way in similar situations, not to get an answer right on the written test.

wisty 10mo ago

> A couple of quick suggestions later, and she went to being mad at me about not having heard the problem through before trying to fix it badly Sounds like you're not the only one at fault lol. Do you get mad at your wife if she offers suggestions before emotionally connecting? And would it still be too late even if she realises how "stupid she was"?

malnourish 10mo ago
Yes; well, I might not get "mad" at my wife, but I might emotionally disengage or feel like I lack closure were I to explain a situation to my wife and she responded with solutions before I even had the chance to finish. It took me a long time to realize this. Actually, I've just now realized it clearly. Our emotional expression and the scenario may be a bit different, but it's fundamentally the same concept.
seizethecheese 10mo ago
What’s the point of this? One only can control one’s self. Who cares if the other person was in the wrong too.
- wisty 10mo ago
  What is the point in replying to me then? Maybe you should take action if you think someone else is in the wrong? You did.
magarnicle 10mo ago
Part of the reason offering suggestions is 'wrong' is because it implies that they haven't tried to think of solutions to their problem. You are unwittingly implying that you are smarter than they are, even if that is not your intention.
- tbossanova 10mo ago
  Yeah. Step 1 is basically to say “damn, that sucks … what do you think you might do?” (or other clarifying questions).

epolanski 10mo ago

Interesting example with some questionable couple dynamics.

seizethecheese 10mo ago
Looks really healthy to me. It’s unhealthy when a partner can’t recognize that they actually were at fault and try to change, but instead needs every fight to resolve with “we were both wrong”.
- btilly 10mo ago
  To add color, this is an interaction that started with one person being stressed. Expecting ideal behavior out of a stressed person is unreasonable.
  - IAmBroom 10mo ago
    You sound like a terrific Significant Other: willing to look inwards to see how you contributed to the problems the couple is having, and working to improve in the future.
    - btilly 10mo ago
      Thank you. That's what I'm trying to be. However I'm also a work in progress. I spent a long time being significantly less than terrific...

_acco 10mo ago

So cool. Would love to hear more - What app do you use? How often do you clear your inbox and how long does it take?

jkhdigital 10mo ago

Love this example. I started putting my Kindle highlights in the SRS—no prompt or anything, just the quoted text verbatim—and the effortless periodic review essentially burned the quotes in my memory for easy recall in moments when they were appropriate.

jwrallie 10mo ago
Did you know there is a limit on how many highlights you can record? It is a setting in the DRM of Kindle books. If you are reading a book with DRM, marking things and planning to load them into SRS later, take care as it silently stops saving the highlights as text.

ropable 10mo ago

I wanted to chime in to say: this is me, I do/have done this, and am also seeking to change this behaviour. It has never once occurred to me to try using spaced repetition for something like this, so thank you to putting the suggestion into my brain! I intend to put this into action as soon as I'm able to.

0xdeadbeefbabe 10mo ago

And how did the dentist fare?

btilly 10mo ago
The dental work that was needed, negotiated in advance, and paid for, happened. The dentist's exorbitant rate on nitrous oxide (which we were not informed of in advance) was successfully renegotiated. Unsurprisingly, my initial suggestions were in no way helpful to discovering this solution to the problem.

gofreddygo 10mo ago

Very interesting example. For me spaced repetition today looks very different than it used to till a few years ago. My "system" is now some google docs, some google sheets and some html hosted on my domain. I have no black box algorithm to offload to. I'm now curious if i could try applying it to everyday things i learn and want reinforcement on along with the technical stuff i want handy. Thanks for sharing.