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> Is this about other people being immature or looking to abuse us? Is this something that generally goes beyond school? Yes to both. Psychopaths do to everyo
by ben_w 1y ago
> Is this about other people being immature or looking to abuse us? Is this something that generally goes beyond school?
Yes to both.
Psychopaths do to everyone what everyone does to out-groups, and we're all someone else's out-group.
- akimbostrawman 1y agoYou really don't need to reach that far. As a man if you are too often vulnerable, too much, for the wrong reasons or at the wrong time you will loose the respect of your partner and soon after there love.
- squigz 1y agoNot everyone's partner is that shallow.
- akimbostrawman 1y agoExceptions don't invalidate the rule. Everybody thinks there partner isn't right until they are.
- squigz 1y agoYour experiences don't validate the rule, either.
- akimbostrawman 1y agoRight I forgot we are on HN where we even need a scientific paper on "do women like weak vulnerable or strong confident men?" because nobody ever goes outside.
- squigz 1y agoNot really, it's just that most of us are adults who have experiences with healthy adult relationships. "Is my partner going to leave me if I display emotional vulnerability" is not really a concern in healthy, adult relationships.
- akimbostrawman 1y agoAn actual adult realizes the real world differences between "should not" and "will not".
- vintermann 1y agoDifferences between men and women are down to the situation. Sometimes the long situation. When a situation has lasted a long time, it sticks, and turns into culture, gender roles. When a situation has lasted a really long time, it sticks hard, and becomes biology. But most of the time, it's neither culture or biology which decides what men and women do. It's the immediate situation. And even if you think it's culture, even if you think it's biology, if you don't like how men are (or how women are) you have to start with changing the immediate situation. The others will follow - eventually.
- mewpmewp2 1y agoWhat are some things that make a man seem vulnerable?
- TRiG_Ireland 1y agoI think you're working too hard to be pithy and are therefore forgetting to actually communicate.
- zozbot234 1y agoI bet that people who advocate for showing "vulnerability" are modeling this as a facet of strong confidence, and not opposed to it. But the thing is, if you really have reached the level of effortless confidence where that's a realistic prospect, you won't need that advice! You'll just be able to intuitively calibrate how much "vulnerability" to allow others, as a direct outcome of that strong emotional stability. Most people would probably be better off being told to be a little bit more guarded about their emotions.
- squigz 1y agoWas I just described not only as "effortlessly confident" but also "emotionally stable"? That's new. My crippling depressing and social anxiety will be glad to hear it!
- andersonpico 1y agodivorced dad take
- akimbostrawman 1y agoCrazy cat lady take. See I can make useless remarks too.
- andersonpico 1y agoyour whole text above is useless for everyone but you, but I understand you can't contain how you feel about woman
- akimbostrawman 1y agoAmateur level reflection
- mewpmewp2 1y agoI guess that would depend on the partner? And what do you mean by vulnerability in that context that would make her lose respect? And what do you mean by wrong times or reasons?
- zozbot234 1y agoMost people seek emotional support, resilience and trustworthiness from their partner, and being excessively "vulnerable" can definitely hinder you from playing that role effectively. This is what can sometimes be experienced as a loss of respect. What you really want is to show a mere modicum of emotional vulnerability that your partner can then have some opportunity to empathize with, and not view you as overly brittle. But not more than that.
- mewpmewp2 1y agoWhat could be examples of excessive vulnerability?
- squigz 1y agoWhy would I seek emotional support from someone so disconnected from their emotions they can't show more than a "modicum" of vulnerability? How could I trust someone's resilience when they don't show they've been through things that built that resilience, and demonstrate it? How can I trust someone who so closely monitors how much and what sort of emotions to show to me?
- zozbot234 1y agoWhy are you assuming that someone who sensibly refrains from overly impulsive behavior wrt. showing their emotions (this is what "self-monitoring" ultimately means: we all do it in all sorts of social contexts, and it's a normal part of being a healthy, well-adjusted person) must necessarily be "disconnecting" from them altogether and lacking in emotional resilience?
- squigz 1y ago
- mewpmewp2 1y agoI think some concrete examples would be great. I think we need some examples of vulnerability too. Is vulnerability just about showing your actual emotional state? E.g. if you are depressed, anxious or nervous?