5 ms·

>At around the age of 32 the strongest overall shift in trajectory is seen. Life events such as parenthood may play a role in some of the changes seen, although

by grvdrm 11mo ago

>At around the age of 32 the strongest overall shift in trajectory is seen. Life events such as parenthood may play a role in some of the changes seen, although the research did not explicitly test this. “We know that women who give birth, their brain changes afterwards,” said Mousley. “It’s reasonable to assume that there could be a relationship between these milestones and what’s happening in the brain.” >From 32 years, the brain architecture appears to stabilise compared with previous phases, corresponding with a “plateau in intelligence and personality” based on other studies. Brain regions also become more compartmentalised. -- I felt this 32-year-old shift, but later (now 43). I joke with friends that I was a bone-head like most males until about 30. Joke yes, but feels right. Prior to 30ish, I was more insecure. Lacking in emotional intelligence. My conclusions from my experience, not projections from what I've read about that time. My career and relationship history reflect that switch-flip in a way. Only during the second half of my 30s did I begin to feel more secure and more confident in my career, despite not achieving some outrageous senior position or level of income. That career is now in a better and more measured place - in which I recognize what I do well and what I don't do well, and don't beat myself to a pulp for not having "it" Only in my 30s did I robustly embrace the power of compromise in friendships and relationships. Now I'm near 10 years married (and happy, most of it, let's be real) with two wonderful kids. And now I'm much capable of reasoning with my anxities, emotions, and insecurities. Do I still ruminate? Yes. Do I still react? Yes. But I know how to redraw situations to reset my in-moment feelings and/or avoid unecessary negative action.

Esophagus4 11mo ago
> and don't beat myself to a pulp for not having "it" Sounds like a stage of brain development I haven’t reached yet :) [sent from my steady state of pulp]
- grvdrm 11mo ago
  The work never ends, friend. Try this. Think hard about what you think "it" is. Is it CEO? Making $1M a year? Making $5M a year? Healthy family? Etc. I think what you realize in the brainstorm is you have some of "it" already. But something's missing. So, then ask this question: can you change your situation to attain that missing thing? If so, how? And if you aren't doing that, why? Ask why again. A third time. Inaction is a very easy way to get stuck overthinking "it" when you might get that thing just by changing/trying your situation to the best of your ability. I am articulating what seems linear but in reality its messy and not very linear. It's work and it's trial and error. But more than ever, I'm ok and comfortable with the construct of my life. I don't make anywhere near what I hoped to make. I'm not an executive. I don't now think that I NEED (and am missing) those two things to fufill my life. (those are examples, I have others)
  - disqard 11mo ago
    Thank you for sharing your work! Years ago, at a mindfulness meditation retreat, I heard the word "skilful" used in a very specific way. Since then, I've tried to become more skilful, and your reply above really evinces the "ongoing journey" nature of that work. I wish you the very best in your journey!
    - grvdrm 11mo ago
      I like that. Appreciate your words and likewise. Great way to put it: "skill" Learned/experience/must practice the skill of getting comfortable! Tell me more about retreat? In overall terms? Worth it? Worth doing again? Also - did it include any substances? Not judging one way or another but I know that some psychedelic concepts align with some retreats.
      - disqard 11mo ago
        It was a week-long silent meditation (Vipassana), focusing on "Mindful Awareness". It was at a point in my life where I was able to do it (and I'm grateful), but I have a kid in kindergarten now, so it'd be hard to convince my wife that it's important enough that she should single-handedly manage for a week. Overall, I think the major benefit for me, was that it bootstrapped this mental model: * Our minds are constantly spawning processes, and "learning how to start + keep running a debug process" is an invaluable tool for gathering data. * Once you've gathered a reasonable amount of data, you will start to spot patterns. One of the teachers at this retreat expressed it as "wisdom will arise" I have a long way to go, but I'm grateful every day that I have this foundation. In an ideal world, it'd be nice to do this again, to compare where I am today (IIRC, it's been ~8 years). P.S. there were no substances included :)
        grvdrm 11mo ago
        Fascinating, thank you. For what it's worth, I think recognizing patterns and then stepping away to say "execute this way, or choose another way" is a huge huge skill. Not all past patterns make sense for current/future situations!
Waterluvian 11mo ago
I don’t know about any of this “era” stuff but I do know and believe in just how much becoming a parent has changed me. It completely overhauled the calculus on what’s important in life. It’s given me a very clear main quest line, relegating all kinds of things I used to think were important to the “side quests” category. And it has had positive side effects too. It’s incredibly useful to be uninterested in promotions and raises. To want to work less, not be paid more. It makes it easy to say and do the right thing rather than the self-preserving thing or self-promoting thing. It’s kind of ironic because I think that makes me better at my job. It’s quite calming to have such a clear identity. There really is a peacefulness to knowing, at all times, where my compass points.
- grvdrm 11mo ago
  With you 100% Kids rewired my brain too. Definitely not a perfect operator at all times, but I have - as you stated - a clear intention on how I'm spending my day. Contrast to 20s and even some of 30s - definitely pre-kids but also pre-marriage - when I worked a lot more and thought that work was my most important north star.

by grvdrm 11mo ago

Esophagus4 11mo ago

> and don't beat myself to a pulp for not having "it" Sounds like a stage of brain development I haven’t reached yet :) [sent from my steady state of pulp]

grvdrm 11mo ago
The work never ends, friend. Try this. Think hard about what you think "it" is. Is it CEO? Making $1M a year? Making $5M a year? Healthy family? Etc. I think what you realize in the brainstorm is you have some of "it" already. But something's missing. So, then ask this question: can you change your situation to attain that missing thing? If so, how? And if you aren't doing that, why? Ask why again. A third time. Inaction is a very easy way to get stuck overthinking "it" when you might get that thing just by changing/trying your situation to the best of your ability. I am articulating what seems linear but in reality its messy and not very linear. It's work and it's trial and error. But more than ever, I'm ok and comfortable with the construct of my life. I don't make anywhere near what I hoped to make. I'm not an executive. I don't now think that I NEED (and am missing) those two things to fufill my life. (those are examples, I have others)
- disqard 11mo ago
  Thank you for sharing your work! Years ago, at a mindfulness meditation retreat, I heard the word "skilful" used in a very specific way. Since then, I've tried to become more skilful, and your reply above really evinces the "ongoing journey" nature of that work. I wish you the very best in your journey!
  - grvdrm 11mo ago
    I like that. Appreciate your words and likewise. Great way to put it: "skill" Learned/experience/must practice the skill of getting comfortable! Tell me more about retreat? In overall terms? Worth it? Worth doing again? Also - did it include any substances? Not judging one way or another but I know that some psychedelic concepts align with some retreats.
    - disqard 11mo ago
      It was a week-long silent meditation (Vipassana), focusing on "Mindful Awareness". It was at a point in my life where I was able to do it (and I'm grateful), but I have a kid in kindergarten now, so it'd be hard to convince my wife that it's important enough that she should single-handedly manage for a week. Overall, I think the major benefit for me, was that it bootstrapped this mental model: * Our minds are constantly spawning processes, and "learning how to start + keep running a debug process" is an invaluable tool for gathering data. * Once you've gathered a reasonable amount of data, you will start to spot patterns. One of the teachers at this retreat expressed it as "wisdom will arise" I have a long way to go, but I'm grateful every day that I have this foundation. In an ideal world, it'd be nice to do this again, to compare where I am today (IIRC, it's been ~8 years). P.S. there were no substances included :)
      - grvdrm 11mo ago
        Fascinating, thank you. For what it's worth, I think recognizing patterns and then stepping away to say "execute this way, or choose another way" is a huge huge skill. Not all past patterns make sense for current/future situations!

Waterluvian 11mo ago

I don’t know about any of this “era” stuff but I do know and believe in just how much becoming a parent has changed me. It completely overhauled the calculus on what’s important in life. It’s given me a very clear main quest line, relegating all kinds of things I used to think were important to the “side quests” category. And it has had positive side effects too. It’s incredibly useful to be uninterested in promotions and raises. To want to work less, not be paid more. It makes it easy to say and do the right thing rather than the self-preserving thing or self-promoting thing. It’s kind of ironic because I think that makes me better at my job. It’s quite calming to have such a clear identity. There really is a peacefulness to knowing, at all times, where my compass points.

grvdrm 11mo ago
With you 100% Kids rewired my brain too. Definitely not a perfect operator at all times, but I have - as you stated - a clear intention on how I'm spending my day. Contrast to 20s and even some of 30s - definitely pre-kids but also pre-marriage - when I worked a lot more and thought that work was my most important north star.