6 ms·

I'm a dad too, and I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My son is under five, and it feels like I'm still at the very beginning of his story. I've known I was g

I'm a dad too, and I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My son is under five, and it feels like I'm still at the very beginning of his story. I've known I was gay since high school, probably even earlier, but I kept choosing whatever seemed like the easiest path. It felt easier to stay closeted. Easier to date a woman. Easier to move in together, propose, get married, and even have a child than to face my truth. I love my wife and my son, and I feel loved by them in return, but I'm also painfully aware that the version of me they love is someone I constructed. I lie constantly: about why I don't want sex, about my affairs, about my feelings, about my motivations. No one really knows me, and I don't get to be myself, not even in the relationships where I should feel safest. I've read The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and other similar books, and I'm trying to build the courage to finally do something about all of this. It's incredibly difficult. But I refuse to use my son as an excuse to keep postponing coming out. This blog has pushed me even further in that direction. They'll be angry (well at least my wife). Their lives will be upended. But at least they'll have the chance to ask questions, to understand. They'll see me taking responsibility for the consequences of my choices, and maybe just maybe, in some way, that clarity will be a relief for all of us.

pfdietz 11mo ago
I'm straight and love my wife of 44 years. But I long ago made the thought experiment of what would happen if she were in the same kind of situation you were in: what if she decided I was a mistake, or that being in a relation with a man was a mistake, and that she needed to do something else. I decided that would require I support her in that. How can you love someone and not want what is best for them, even if that has a cost? I don't know your wife, and I don't know if she would feel the same way. Maybe she would?
- 71bw 11mo ago
  I can relate to this probably the most out of everything I've seen on HN so far. My fiancee is pansexual and overall seems to prefer women, so I surely am quite a bit of a surprise in her life (to the point where her family laughed at the fact that I 'fixed her' the first time I met them...) as a straight man. I know she loves me, I love her with all my heart but I am aware that at some point she may want to change me for someone of the opposite sex. I have therefore decided that as long as this does not happen behind my back I will support her, even if that means I have to endure a lot of pain.
  - jemmyw 11mo ago
    I don't really see why you should support that. In your case your wife is not closeted and living a lie, everything is out in the open. So deciding to change you for someone else, regardless of sex, is no different than if I decided to change my wife for another woman. We give stuff up to make a commitment to someone else. It doesn't always work out and I'm not saying people should stay together when they don't want to, but I am questioning your pre-acceptance of your partner wanting to shag someone else even though that would clearly make you very unhappy.
    - rosstex 11mo ago
      "Prefer women" could be in a sexual context, romantic context, platonic, etc. and the commenter above didn't define it. I imagine it's hard enough for bisexual people to be asked if they're "living a lie" by having to choose a side.
      - jemmyw 11mo ago
        They aren't choosing a side, they're choosing a person. Being bisexual surely just opens the field to more potential mates, but once you're with someone the same rules apply as to folks in any other relationship. And I don't want to sound too conservative - if you choose to be with someone and both agree to have an open relationship of some kind, or any other mutually agreed kind of thing, that's no-ones business but yourselves. In this case though, they're saying their partner is pansexual - open to many kinds of sexual activities. And they're saying that they'd be accepting if their partner needed to go and do sexy stuff with someone else even though it'd cause them a lot of pain (that's my reading of it, not having a platonic friendship with someone else as you mentioned). I'm asking why? Having a different to hetrosexual appetite before going into a relationship shouldn't give you special rules once you're in one - it's absolutely no different than if a hetrosexual person wanted to sleep around. OK if your relationship allows for that, really not OK if it's going to cause your partner/spouse/love pain, as they said.
        71bw 11mo ago
- ryanjshaw 11mo ago
  There’s a big difference between changing and lying. I wouldn’t be happy if my spouse lied to me.
  - pfdietz 11mo ago
    I wouldn't be happy either, but I'd be understanding. Everyone is human. Everyone lies, even to themselves.
    - ryanjshaw 11mo ago
      Not all lies are equal. Marriage is a contract built on trust and commitment. When you have been lying about that specifically, you have defrauded someone. You’ve stolen time and emotional energy from these people. They can never get those years back. Your children have been deprived of seeing parents role modeling romantic love. They have built their entire world views based on your behavior towards your spouse, which incorporated subtle lies and deception. The victims of your fraud now have to deal with second guessing which things you said might be true and which might be lies - you shatter everything they ever believed throughout the marriage. It is a horrendous thing to put people through. So can I understand why they did it? Sure. But I will definitely judge them for their actions and not support them.
      - ninetyninenine 11mo ago
        [flagged]
      - pfdietz 11mo ago
        It's also built on forgiveness, because no one can possibly not ever need that.
    - swat535 11mo ago
      I think you're a better person than I am. Obviously I can only speak for myself here but I wouldn't be so understanding, especially when my partner lied about such a fundamental aspect of their life and joined in a union of marriage with me. I suppose, for me it would feel like the vows they took where not real and the foundation of our life, all the memories, thoughts and feelings were nothing but smoke and mirrors. You're right, we're all humans and life is complex but I think it's selfish to waste your partner's life for years because you can't face the truth. I suppose that a bitter end is better than endless bitterness however.
- Arubis 11mo ago
  Lots of judgment all over this thread. I vote more of us listen to anecdotes like this one here, from someone whose long and successful relationship is based on wanting the best for someone else--who they recognize as human and fallible--even when that means change. If you want marriage to mean that your partner will never change, or that the 100% match on the inside what you think they are looking from the outside, you're gonna have a hard time. This discussion is just further down the continuum than most. (Exceptions made for arranged marriages and the like; the primary purpose there isn't romantic love-based companionship, so there isn't a pretense to shatter.)
- vacuity 11mo ago
  I think this is a good example of how lying can affect one's autonomy (though I don't remotely hold that as an absolute principle). In the ideal exercise of love, I agree with your claim. I don't think it's dismantled in practice, but I think it is weaker. The spouse fell in love with "someone", but it turns out it's just a dummy of the other spouse. To some extent, probably everyone only loves or even perceives imperfect images of others, but this takes it a step further. I think this is somewhat different from supporting a disabled/ill spouse, because that condition arose through no fault of anyone (presumably). I think this is also different from a spouse, sometime into the marriage, realizing a different romantic/sexual orientation, because no one could've known at the time of marriage (presumably).
- pfdietz 11mo ago
  I'll add another scenario like this would be if ones partner had an egg-breaking epiphany and decided they needed to transition. And my personal conclusion would be the same.
- deleted 11mo ago
  [deleted]
lvl155 11mo ago
Do what’s best for your son. There’s nothing that will overcome that guilt. Not saying what’s best for your son is for you to reveal the truth now or later. That’s entirely situational and only you know.
- ycombinete 11mo ago
  I completely agree. Life as a parent is only about oneself insofar as looking after yourself is good for your family.
  - spongebobstoes 11mo ago
    children mimic the actions and lifestyle of their parents being a role model means demonstrating how to be happy an existence proof of a good and happy life is a powerful thing people learn at a young age that words are cheap. advice doesn't cut it
    - deleted 11mo ago
      [deleted]
- tempestn 11mo ago
  I don't think it's fair to consider only the son in this. I'd say do what's best for both your son and your wife. And to me that's pretty clearly telling his wife the truth here.
- mc32 11mo ago
  I think this is right. Many parents could think of choosing to opt out because raising a family can be difficult sometimes, but it’s a responsibility people have taken. Take it seriously. It’s a bit chicken to say “I’m out” whatever the reason. See them through their formative years then do your thing.
- foldr 11mo ago
  The kid will be fine. Couples separate or get divorced all the time for all kinds of reasons. “I have two loving parents who are now separated” doesn’t appear on the shortlist of bad things that can happen to kids.
jhanschoo 11mo ago
I'm pretty certain that children are quite perceptive, and will sense an unease that something is not quite right at home. It would be a service to them to put something concrete to that unease.
- ninetyninenine 11mo ago
  [flagged]
  - ddawson 11mo ago
    Wow, I'm reading this very differently. I don't know why there has to be emotional violence erupting. Handling something that's fundamentally changed at the core of a relationship and at the core of one's identity will bring strong emotions but it doesn't have to be violent. It can also be handled with all the best qualities we all have like patience, curiosity, support, trust. Strong relationships can grow stronger after being tested.
  - miltonlost 11mo ago
    A kid can handle a gay parent. A kid can handle a divorce. It's not some apocaplypse.
    - mensetmanusman 11mo ago
      This, look at the stats on how kids fare after these events compared to the death of a parent. Lies have consequences.
gedy 11mo ago
Since you took this path, I'd suggest you not have affairs while married. Either divorce now or consider waiting 10 years while your son really needs you.
- bad_haircut72 11mo ago
  Yeah if you wanna be closeted, fine - live like it then. Otherwise it proves getting your dick wet is actually more important to you than the wife and child you claim to love.
tgv 11mo ago
Try to do it peacefully, and keep good relations. That may require a lot of preparation, time, and emotional dealing, but you're weighing your struggle with your history against two lives. It may also be in your interest, because a fighting divorce may end with you not seeing your son. That's a price I consider too high.
brabel 11mo ago
Do you plan to find a new relationship after you break up with your wife? Is the desire to come out because of that or because you just want to stop lying to them and be honest about who you are? I will just say that if you have a good relationship with your wife and child, perhaps it’s worth it keeping things to yourself until your son is out of the house. If you leave them, you might find yourself in terrible relationships for a long time, or you may strike luck. But as someone who never managed to have a good relationship and family I wish I had a wife who actually wants sex and children and if I had that I would never leave even if I had to sacrifice a lot. But I do want that, maybe you never really did!?
nvarsj 11mo ago
I know it may seem like the hardest thing ever - but you are doing the right thing. Come out, end the sham, start to heal. Otherwise you are in for a life of pain. I'm not gay but I'm divorced and whatever the reason for the divorce, it is always hard. But it's so much better afterwards, rather than living in a lie of a relationship.
sokka_h2otribe 11mo ago
Consider finding a therapist and quality couples counselor to help you navigate the necessary rupture as you take steps towards honesty and clarity in your relationships
quacked 11mo ago
Read The Last Psychiatrist blog. "If you're going to pretend to be someone, why not pretend to be someone who doesn't hit on the cocktail waitress when he's away from his family?" Edit: found the exact quote: > "I feel like I am playing a part, that I'm in a role. It doesn't feel real." > Instead of trying to stop playing a role-- again, a move whose aim is your happiness-- try playing a different role whose aim is someone else's happiness. Why not play the part of the happy husband of three kids? Why not pretend to be devoted to your family to the exclusion of other things? Why not play the part of the man who isn't tempted to sleep with the woman at the airport bar? > "But that's dishonest, I'd be lying to myself." Your kids will not know to ask: so? > The narcissist demands absolutism in all things-- relative to himself. From this article: https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2009/01/can_narcissism_be_cured.html https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2009/01/can_narcissism_be_cu... Note that I am not accusing you of being a narcissist, merely saying that you may find this blog very interesting.
deleted 11mo ago
[deleted]
RebeccaTheDev 11mo ago
> I've known I was gay since high school, probably even earlier, but I kept choosing whatever seemed like the easiest path. Just so you know, you're not alone here. Mine was a bit different (gender related) but the causes are essentially the same: I just kept choosing whatever path was easiest instead of facing what I was actually feeling. It made me fabulously "successful" at life and I had everything that you would expect to come along: wife, kid, big house, fancy job. It's a hard feeling to reconcile - being so successful in what most of society would say you should be ... and yet still so miserable. So, I see you. <3
acjohnson55 11mo ago
Have you considered that it doesn't have to mean the end of your family? It's possible that there's no arrangement that meets everybody's needs. But, maybe there is.
flowerthoughts 11mo ago
> the version of me they love is someone I constructed It's also possible they love you because you are someone who can love them, even though it doesn't feel quite right. You're there for them. I don't have the full picture, but thinking they don't love the real you seems simplistic. You're the sum of all parts and layers, not just what you consider core feelings. We're all putting on facades.
Thinkx220 11mo ago
[flagged]
mountainriver 11mo ago
More power to you my friend, your situation is very common, and the result of a highly homophonic society. Good on you for recognizing it and taking steps, there is lots of support around if you need it
deadbabe 11mo ago
If it’s any comfort, no one ever truly knows who you are, even if you wanted to be totally honest. Everyone has a version of you they’ve constructed, no one has your entire perspective on your life and access to your inner thoughts, and even if they did they would forget or misinterpret details. Don’t chase a desire to have people know the real you, they never will. Even if you had a new gay lover just because they know you’re gay doesn’t mean they know the real you. And sometimes people don’t even know their own real self.
- DontchaKnowit 11mo ago
  I would say moat pekple dont know their own selves well. People like to pretend that Identity is self determined, but I think identity is likely more accurately observed by 3rd parties
edm0nd 11mo ago
tell your wife you are gay homie
saghm 11mo ago
Even if your wife never manages to forgive you for what happened, I think there might be a much stronger chance than you might realize that you eventually have a much more meaningful relationship with your son by being your true self with him. He's young enough that in a lot of ways, the version of you he loves might not really be based that much on the construction you describe as much as the fact that he knows you love him and the experiences you share (and will hopefully continue to share) together. I think it's more likely that continuing to repress how you feel for years to come will take an emotional toll on you that makes it harder to be able to truly emotionally connect with him at the level you'd like than the fallout of revealing the truth sooner. For what it's worth, you also may be surprised about how willing even your wife is to accept this. I obviously don't know anything about your situation, and there's any number of things that can influence how loved ones react to something like this, but I have direct knowledge of a situation fairly similar to yours that turned out quite well; my aunt on my father's side has only one child, a daughter from her first husband, who ended up coming out as gay at some point when my cousin was fairly young. They divorced, and from what I'm aware of, continued to co-parent civilly, and my cousin would spent time with each of them during holidays (e.g. she's always spent Christmas Eve with my aunt and our grandparents and Christmas Day with her father). Almost thirty years later, both my aunt and uncle have been remarried happily for years, and nobody cares that my uncle happens to be gay. If anything, I have to assume that literally everyone is much happier in the current situation than they would be if things had gone differently and he had never come out. I don't pretend that any of us can know how things will turn out for you and your family whichever path you choose, but I truly think that if you decide to tell the truth, you'll be giving all three of you the best chance at happiness in the long run.
throwaboat 11mo ago
I started writing a letter to my kids once a year. I store them in my email for now. I want them to know who I was. I feel like the author of this post would have benefited from those letters. Maybe your kids would too.

pfdietz 11mo ago

I'm straight and love my wife of 44 years. But I long ago made the thought experiment of what would happen if she were in the same kind of situation you were in: what if she decided I was a mistake, or that being in a relation with a man was a mistake, and that she needed to do something else. I decided that would require I support her in that. How can you love someone and not want what is best for them, even if that has a cost? I don't know your wife, and I don't know if she would feel the same way. Maybe she would?

71bw 11mo ago
I can relate to this probably the most out of everything I've seen on HN so far. My fiancee is pansexual and overall seems to prefer women, so I surely am quite a bit of a surprise in her life (to the point where her family laughed at the fact that I 'fixed her' the first time I met them...) as a straight man. I know she loves me, I love her with all my heart but I am aware that at some point she may want to change me for someone of the opposite sex. I have therefore decided that as long as this does not happen behind my back I will support her, even if that means I have to endure a lot of pain.
- jemmyw 11mo ago
  I don't really see why you should support that. In your case your wife is not closeted and living a lie, everything is out in the open. So deciding to change you for someone else, regardless of sex, is no different than if I decided to change my wife for another woman. We give stuff up to make a commitment to someone else. It doesn't always work out and I'm not saying people should stay together when they don't want to, but I am questioning your pre-acceptance of your partner wanting to shag someone else even though that would clearly make you very unhappy.
  - rosstex 11mo ago
    "Prefer women" could be in a sexual context, romantic context, platonic, etc. and the commenter above didn't define it. I imagine it's hard enough for bisexual people to be asked if they're "living a lie" by having to choose a side.
    - jemmyw 11mo ago
      They aren't choosing a side, they're choosing a person. Being bisexual surely just opens the field to more potential mates, but once you're with someone the same rules apply as to folks in any other relationship. And I don't want to sound too conservative - if you choose to be with someone and both agree to have an open relationship of some kind, or any other mutually agreed kind of thing, that's no-ones business but yourselves. In this case though, they're saying their partner is pansexual - open to many kinds of sexual activities. And they're saying that they'd be accepting if their partner needed to go and do sexy stuff with someone else even though it'd cause them a lot of pain (that's my reading of it, not having a platonic friendship with someone else as you mentioned). I'm asking why? Having a different to hetrosexual appetite before going into a relationship shouldn't give you special rules once you're in one - it's absolutely no different than if a hetrosexual person wanted to sleep around. OK if your relationship allows for that, really not OK if it's going to cause your partner/spouse/love pain, as they said.
      - 71bw 11mo ago
ryanjshaw 11mo ago
There’s a big difference between changing and lying. I wouldn’t be happy if my spouse lied to me.
- pfdietz 11mo ago
  I wouldn't be happy either, but I'd be understanding. Everyone is human. Everyone lies, even to themselves.
  - ryanjshaw 11mo ago
    Not all lies are equal. Marriage is a contract built on trust and commitment. When you have been lying about that specifically, you have defrauded someone. You’ve stolen time and emotional energy from these people. They can never get those years back. Your children have been deprived of seeing parents role modeling romantic love. They have built their entire world views based on your behavior towards your spouse, which incorporated subtle lies and deception. The victims of your fraud now have to deal with second guessing which things you said might be true and which might be lies - you shatter everything they ever believed throughout the marriage. It is a horrendous thing to put people through. So can I understand why they did it? Sure. But I will definitely judge them for their actions and not support them.
    - ninetyninenine 11mo ago
      [flagged]
    - pfdietz 11mo ago
      It's also built on forgiveness, because no one can possibly not ever need that.
  - swat535 11mo ago
    I think you're a better person than I am. Obviously I can only speak for myself here but I wouldn't be so understanding, especially when my partner lied about such a fundamental aspect of their life and joined in a union of marriage with me. I suppose, for me it would feel like the vows they took where not real and the foundation of our life, all the memories, thoughts and feelings were nothing but smoke and mirrors. You're right, we're all humans and life is complex but I think it's selfish to waste your partner's life for years because you can't face the truth. I suppose that a bitter end is better than endless bitterness however.
Arubis 11mo ago
Lots of judgment all over this thread. I vote more of us listen to anecdotes like this one here, from someone whose long and successful relationship is based on wanting the best for someone else--who they recognize as human and fallible--even when that means change. If you want marriage to mean that your partner will never change, or that the 100% match on the inside what you think they are looking from the outside, you're gonna have a hard time. This discussion is just further down the continuum than most. (Exceptions made for arranged marriages and the like; the primary purpose there isn't romantic love-based companionship, so there isn't a pretense to shatter.)
vacuity 11mo ago
I think this is a good example of how lying can affect one's autonomy (though I don't remotely hold that as an absolute principle). In the ideal exercise of love, I agree with your claim. I don't think it's dismantled in practice, but I think it is weaker. The spouse fell in love with "someone", but it turns out it's just a dummy of the other spouse. To some extent, probably everyone only loves or even perceives imperfect images of others, but this takes it a step further. I think this is somewhat different from supporting a disabled/ill spouse, because that condition arose through no fault of anyone (presumably). I think this is also different from a spouse, sometime into the marriage, realizing a different romantic/sexual orientation, because no one could've known at the time of marriage (presumably).
pfdietz 11mo ago
I'll add another scenario like this would be if ones partner had an egg-breaking epiphany and decided they needed to transition. And my personal conclusion would be the same.
deleted 11mo ago
[deleted]

lvl155 11mo ago

Do what’s best for your son. There’s nothing that will overcome that guilt. Not saying what’s best for your son is for you to reveal the truth now or later. That’s entirely situational and only you know.

ycombinete 11mo ago
I completely agree. Life as a parent is only about oneself insofar as looking after yourself is good for your family.
- spongebobstoes 11mo ago
  children mimic the actions and lifestyle of their parents being a role model means demonstrating how to be happy an existence proof of a good and happy life is a powerful thing people learn at a young age that words are cheap. advice doesn't cut it
  - deleted 11mo ago
    [deleted]
tempestn 11mo ago
I don't think it's fair to consider only the son in this. I'd say do what's best for both your son and your wife. And to me that's pretty clearly telling his wife the truth here.
mc32 11mo ago
I think this is right. Many parents could think of choosing to opt out because raising a family can be difficult sometimes, but it’s a responsibility people have taken. Take it seriously. It’s a bit chicken to say “I’m out” whatever the reason. See them through their formative years then do your thing.
foldr 11mo ago
The kid will be fine. Couples separate or get divorced all the time for all kinds of reasons. “I have two loving parents who are now separated” doesn’t appear on the shortlist of bad things that can happen to kids.

jhanschoo 11mo ago

I'm pretty certain that children are quite perceptive, and will sense an unease that something is not quite right at home. It would be a service to them to put something concrete to that unease.

ninetyninenine 11mo ago
[flagged]
- ddawson 11mo ago
  Wow, I'm reading this very differently. I don't know why there has to be emotional violence erupting. Handling something that's fundamentally changed at the core of a relationship and at the core of one's identity will bring strong emotions but it doesn't have to be violent. It can also be handled with all the best qualities we all have like patience, curiosity, support, trust. Strong relationships can grow stronger after being tested.
- miltonlost 11mo ago
  A kid can handle a gay parent. A kid can handle a divorce. It's not some apocaplypse.
  - mensetmanusman 11mo ago
    This, look at the stats on how kids fare after these events compared to the death of a parent. Lies have consequences.

gedy 11mo ago

Since you took this path, I'd suggest you not have affairs while married. Either divorce now or consider waiting 10 years while your son really needs you.

bad_haircut72 11mo ago
Yeah if you wanna be closeted, fine - live like it then. Otherwise it proves getting your dick wet is actually more important to you than the wife and child you claim to love.

tgv 11mo ago

Try to do it peacefully, and keep good relations. That may require a lot of preparation, time, and emotional dealing, but you're weighing your struggle with your history against two lives. It may also be in your interest, because a fighting divorce may end with you not seeing your son. That's a price I consider too high.

brabel 11mo ago

Do you plan to find a new relationship after you break up with your wife? Is the desire to come out because of that or because you just want to stop lying to them and be honest about who you are? I will just say that if you have a good relationship with your wife and child, perhaps it’s worth it keeping things to yourself until your son is out of the house. If you leave them, you might find yourself in terrible relationships for a long time, or you may strike luck. But as someone who never managed to have a good relationship and family I wish I had a wife who actually wants sex and children and if I had that I would never leave even if I had to sacrifice a lot. But I do want that, maybe you never really did!?

nvarsj 11mo ago

I know it may seem like the hardest thing ever - but you are doing the right thing. Come out, end the sham, start to heal. Otherwise you are in for a life of pain. I'm not gay but I'm divorced and whatever the reason for the divorce, it is always hard. But it's so much better afterwards, rather than living in a lie of a relationship.

sokka_h2otribe 11mo ago

Consider finding a therapist and quality couples counselor to help you navigate the necessary rupture as you take steps towards honesty and clarity in your relationships

quacked 11mo ago

Read The Last Psychiatrist blog. "If you're going to pretend to be someone, why not pretend to be someone who doesn't hit on the cocktail waitress when he's away from his family?" Edit: found the exact quote: > "I feel like I am playing a part, that I'm in a role. It doesn't feel real." > Instead of trying to stop playing a role-- again, a move whose aim is your happiness-- try playing a different role whose aim is someone else's happiness. Why not play the part of the happy husband of three kids? Why not pretend to be devoted to your family to the exclusion of other things? Why not play the part of the man who isn't tempted to sleep with the woman at the airport bar? > "But that's dishonest, I'd be lying to myself." Your kids will not know to ask: so? > The narcissist demands absolutism in all things-- relative to himself. From this article: https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2009/01/can_narcissism_be_cured.html https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2009/01/can_narcissism_be_cu... Note that I am not accusing you of being a narcissist, merely saying that you may find this blog very interesting.

deleted 11mo ago

[deleted]

RebeccaTheDev 11mo ago

> I've known I was gay since high school, probably even earlier, but I kept choosing whatever seemed like the easiest path. Just so you know, you're not alone here. Mine was a bit different (gender related) but the causes are essentially the same: I just kept choosing whatever path was easiest instead of facing what I was actually feeling. It made me fabulously "successful" at life and I had everything that you would expect to come along: wife, kid, big house, fancy job. It's a hard feeling to reconcile - being so successful in what most of society would say you should be ... and yet still so miserable. So, I see you. <3

acjohnson55 11mo ago

Have you considered that it doesn't have to mean the end of your family? It's possible that there's no arrangement that meets everybody's needs. But, maybe there is.

flowerthoughts 11mo ago

> the version of me they love is someone I constructed It's also possible they love you because you are someone who can love them, even though it doesn't feel quite right. You're there for them. I don't have the full picture, but thinking they don't love the real you seems simplistic. You're the sum of all parts and layers, not just what you consider core feelings. We're all putting on facades.

Thinkx220 11mo ago

[flagged]

mountainriver 11mo ago

More power to you my friend, your situation is very common, and the result of a highly homophonic society. Good on you for recognizing it and taking steps, there is lots of support around if you need it

deadbabe 11mo ago

If it’s any comfort, no one ever truly knows who you are, even if you wanted to be totally honest. Everyone has a version of you they’ve constructed, no one has your entire perspective on your life and access to your inner thoughts, and even if they did they would forget or misinterpret details. Don’t chase a desire to have people know the real you, they never will. Even if you had a new gay lover just because they know you’re gay doesn’t mean they know the real you. And sometimes people don’t even know their own real self.

DontchaKnowit 11mo ago
I would say moat pekple dont know their own selves well. People like to pretend that Identity is self determined, but I think identity is likely more accurately observed by 3rd parties

edm0nd 11mo ago

tell your wife you are gay homie

saghm 11mo ago

Even if your wife never manages to forgive you for what happened, I think there might be a much stronger chance than you might realize that you eventually have a much more meaningful relationship with your son by being your true self with him. He's young enough that in a lot of ways, the version of you he loves might not really be based that much on the construction you describe as much as the fact that he knows you love him and the experiences you share (and will hopefully continue to share) together. I think it's more likely that continuing to repress how you feel for years to come will take an emotional toll on you that makes it harder to be able to truly emotionally connect with him at the level you'd like than the fallout of revealing the truth sooner. For what it's worth, you also may be surprised about how willing even your wife is to accept this. I obviously don't know anything about your situation, and there's any number of things that can influence how loved ones react to something like this, but I have direct knowledge of a situation fairly similar to yours that turned out quite well; my aunt on my father's side has only one child, a daughter from her first husband, who ended up coming out as gay at some point when my cousin was fairly young. They divorced, and from what I'm aware of, continued to co-parent civilly, and my cousin would spent time with each of them during holidays (e.g. she's always spent Christmas Eve with my aunt and our grandparents and Christmas Day with her father). Almost thirty years later, both my aunt and uncle have been remarried happily for years, and nobody cares that my uncle happens to be gay. If anything, I have to assume that literally everyone is much happier in the current situation than they would be if things had gone differently and he had never come out. I don't pretend that any of us can know how things will turn out for you and your family whichever path you choose, but I truly think that if you decide to tell the truth, you'll be giving all three of you the best chance at happiness in the long run.

throwaboat 11mo ago

I started writing a letter to my kids once a year. I store them in my email for now. I want them to know who I was. I feel like the author of this post would have benefited from those letters. Maybe your kids would too.